Confidence vs Insecurity

[pfflyerhot]

Fuckin' A...

Yes, there are people who seek out people with low self-worth and lacking self-esteem. They do so not because they find those qualities attractive, but because they are looking for someone to treat like shit.

Do you want to be treated like shit?

You're not damaged. There's nothing wrong with you. You're fine. 99.98% of people feel unconfident on a regular basis. The only difference between you and the people you see as "confident" is that they aren't ruminating on their occasional insecurities.

You need to quit obsessing on your perceived lack of whatever and move forward. Go out, do things, have fun. It's okay to feel good about yourself. It's okay to be proud of things you can do, to find things about your appearance attractive. It's okay to like yourself. You don't need to nitpick and tear yourself down, and you should never let anyone else do it either.

Quit trying to be subservient to the world, hoping it will pat you kindly on the head - because all it'll do is kick you in the face. Hard. Repeatedly.

Best advice anyone ever gave me: Fake it till you make it.

You don't need to tell everyone you meet about your insecurities, about what a mess you are. Don't tell them any of that. Don't talk about yourself at all. Literally bite your tongue every time you feel the need to say something self-deprecating. When someone compliments you, say "Thank you" and that's IT. Don't disagree with them.

When you meet people, listen to them, talk about them. Talk about the weather. Let them ask you questions, and answer them. Let them get to know you WITHOUT your editorializing.

I repeat: DO NOT ever tell someone you are "a mess", "damaged goods", "unlovable", etc. etc. When you do that, you scare people. It's not attractive. And it's unnecessary.

Let them make their own opinion of you. You may find that they actually like you. Then they'll react positively towards you. This will give you confidence. Which will make you come off positive, confident, attractive.

Fake it till you make it.

You may just find that there's nothing wrong with you. You may realize that you're pretty fucking awesome. I bet you are.

Forget about your "issues", being "damaged goods", trying to "fix your broken self", etc. No one gets through life without scars and bruises. The difference between who you are now and who you could be is the scab-picking. Quit picking scabs. Let that shit heal.

Focus your energy outwards. Get into music, find hobbies. When you're around people, don't pull into your own head. Look around you. Actually see what people look like, what they're doing, hear what they're saying concentrate on the world around you. Enjoy your coffee/drink/whatever. Smell the flowers. Hell is living in your own head. Happiness is being a part of the world.

Again, you're fine. Trust me. I've been you. You can be one of the confident, happy people.

I like this answer, a lot... Thanks for posting it.

 

[Saint Peter]

Laurel is sorta like a very fuckable Dr. Phil.

 

[sufisaint]

These cofident people you admire are ussually fakes and phonies putting on act or even worse someone who does not have the depth to examine their own beings and see all the imperfections and inconsistencies and except them...tbey are not to be overcome by some mantra of false confidence. What you need is someone who is real and honest...who can accept you for who you really are as they have done with themselves.

 

[ms_ann_thrope]

Laurel is sorta like a very fuckable Dr. Phil.

Like you wouldn't fuck Dr. Phil.

 

[Noor]

I'm not sure where's best to post this, so if you think it needs moving please let me know!

So, I've read numerous posts where people refer to how sexy confidence is, and I completely get it because it's a quality I look for in a partner too.

The problem is, when those confident people find out I'm a bit emotionally unstable, lack self esteem or self worth, they very quickly lose interest. Again, I get it, I would too!

But it got me thinking, is there a "market" out there for people like me? Are there people who find the concept of being "damaged" attractive, or is there no hope other than that one day I'll feel better and join the confidence club too?

People have relationships with emotionally unstable people all the time. The main trick is that one of you has to be sane at any given time.

It's not that "being damaged is attractive" it is that hopefully your other qualities make up for the damage.

However, no self worth is a drag, because the partner has to constantly prop the other person up. Lack of self esteem, can also be bad unless it's only in one area and you are working on building it.

It is very hard to love another person if they don't love themselves. The market for a person such as you are describing is sexual slavery if that is of interest.

 

[Noor]

These cofident people you admire are ussually fakes and phonies putting on act or even worse someone who does not have the depth to examine their own beings and see all the imperfections and inconsistencies and except them...tbey are not to be overcome by some mantra of false confidence. What you need is someone who is real and honest...who can accept you for who you really are as they have done with themselves.

Isn't accepting yourself for who you are confidence?

Confidence does not imply perfection.

 

[sufisaint]

Isn't accepting yourself for who you are confidence?

Confidence does not imply perfection.

I dont see self acceptance as confidence ...doubts and fears are an essential part of being a genuine and good person.

 

[neci]

I'm not sure where's best to post this, so if you think it needs moving please let me know!

So, I've read numerous posts where people refer to how sexy confidence is, and I completely get it because it's a quality I look for in a partner too.

The problem is, when those confident people find out I'm a bit emotionally unstable, lack self esteem or self worth, they very quickly lose interest. Again, I get it, I would too!

But it got me thinking, is there a "market" out there for people like me? Are there people who find the concept of being "damaged" attractive, or is there no hope other than that one day I'll feel better and join the confidence club too?

sounds like you're a sub.

check out the BDSM pages

good luck.

so lacking self esteem, self worth and emotionally unstable = submissive?

good fucking god.

you need to be punched in the face and nuts at the same time.

 

[neci]

for the record, i am "a mess," but i am a good mess. i don't give a fuck what people think after that.

 

[neci]

also - i don't believe in faking shit.

 

[Noor]

I dont see self acceptance as confidence ...doubts and fears are an essential part of being a genuine and good person.

I am confident about things. It doesn't mean I never have self doubt.
For instance, I can promise I will be there for someone, however, given my past medical and accident stuff I could drop dead tomorrow so occasionally when I am not feeling great I wonder if I will be able to.

 

[Noor]

Maybe we have different definitions...

"Confidence is generally described as a state of being certain either that a hypothesis or prediction is correct or that a chosen course of action is the best or most effective. Self-confidence is having confidence in oneself. Arrogance or hubris in this comparison, is having unmerited confidence—believing something or someone is capable or correct when they are not. Overconfidence or presumptuousness is excessive belief in someone (or something) succeeding, without any regard for failure. Confidence can be a self-fulfilling prophecy as those without it may fail or not try because they lack it and those with it may succeed because they have it rather than because of an innate ability."

 

[bronzeage]

I'm not sure where's best to post this, so if you think it needs moving please let me know!

So, I've read numerous posts where people refer to how sexy confidence is, and I completely get it because it's a quality I look for in a partner too.

The problem is, when those confident people find out I'm a bit emotionally unstable, lack self esteem or self worth, they very quickly lose interest. Again, I get it, I would too!

But it got me thinking, is there a "market" out there for people like me? Are there people who find the concept of being "damaged" attractive, or is there no hope other than that one day I'll feel better and join the confidence club too?

Confident men do not find "damaged" to be attractive. It's easy to mistake a white knight for a confident man, but most are insecure men who are looking for someone a little more damaged than themselves.

 

[pfflyerhot]

Again...

Laurel is sorta like a very fuckable Dr. Phil.

Fuckin A! I like this answer, too. ... hell of a lot.

 

[sprincess1990]

Wow I didn't expect so many responses. Thanks guys!

I find it really interesting that so many of you initially associated the way I feel with submission. And some of you even spotted that I identify as a sub on my bio. But I actually came to identify that way a long time before I developed the issues I have now. I think I disagree that lack of confidence and self esteem equal great sub material. In my experience, the subs I have found sexiest are the ones who know exactly how rare and precious they are. The ones that are confident enough to bare all to another and serve in that way.

I think Laurel is awesome and should be paid large sums of money to be a motivational speaker! I have to ask though, under your premise of fake it til you make it, does that mean you don't feel like there is a place for someone like me to be honest about how I feel in a relationship until the way I feel is more positive?

 

[Laurel]

Wow I didn't expect so many responses. Thanks guys!

I find it really interesting that so many of you initially associated the way I feel with submission. And some of you even spotted that I identify as a sub on my bio. But I actually came to identify that way a long time before I developed the issues I have now. I think I disagree that lack of confidence and self esteem equal great sub material. In my experience, the subs I have found sexiest are the ones who know exactly how rare and precious they are. The ones that are confident enough to bare all to another and serve in that way.

I think Laurel is awesome and should be paid large sums of money to be a motivational speaker! I have to ask though, under your premise of fake it til you make it, does that mean you don't feel like there is a place for someone like me to be honest about how I feel in a relationship until the way I feel is more positive?

No, I think you should always try to be honest about yourself with people you care for. But honesty doesn't mean you need to share every thought you ever have.

I used to tell my friends and boyfriends all about my dysfunctional childhood, my insecurities, my perceived flaws, etc. in the name of "honesty". But eventually I realized that by doing so I was putting huge burden on them. I was basically "unloading" my issues on them. It made them uncomfortable because they really didn't know how to handle all that info. They aren't psychiatrists. As much as they cared for me, they really couldn't "do" anything with all that stuff. It was, in a sense, unfair of me to do that to them.

And then because I opened up to them on those issues, I was more likely to share every little insecure thought I had. Pretty soon that becomes all we'd talk about when we were together - my issues, my sadnesses, me me me. And was very tiresome for the other person. They'd drift away. Or more accurately, they were pushed away.

Sharing these things - especially early on in a relationship - will not bring him closer to you. It will actually get in the way of you knowing each other, drive you further apart.

As huge as these confidence issues feel to you, they are actually a very small part of who you are. The other parts - your interests (music, movies, etc.), your likes and dislikes, your opinions, your dreams, your sense of humor: these are the things you should share. These are YOU. This is what other people want from you when they say they want to "get to know you".

There's a tendency to believe that the "dark" bits of us are the only "real" bits. That's untrue. The light, good bits are just as real - in fact, they may be even more real, as most of the time the "dark" bits are nothing more than shadows of our own insecurities that our minds cast.

Self-doubt is exaggerated, ever-shifting, insubstantial. It's a part of being human. We all have it. But it's a teeny fraction of who we are.

Again, talking about these things with someone outside of the mental health field will not help you. It will only serve to drive people away from you. It's unfair, in a way, to expect him to "help" you - and that's what they will think you want from them when you share these things. That's not the purpose of a boyfriend/husband/friend/partner.

Think about the people who you are attracted to, who you enjoy being around. Chances are, they are people who are interesting, fun, kind, friendly, have stuff to say. It's unlikely that they are mopey or negative or talk themselves down. They're people who make you feel good, make you laugh, make you think.

I'm not saying you should be sunshine and light every second. I think we all expect that people we meet have highs and lows, have gone through good experiences and bad ones, get cranky and tired and bitchy. I'm just saying that those (minor) unhappy personal issues are things that should be shared with someone who can actually help you - your therapist, not with your friends or lovers. Give those you love your best self, your love and kindness and support, because that's what they deserve - and they'll do the same for you. That's what friendship/love is about.

 

[Jenny_4]

I used to tell my friends and boyfriends all about my dysfunctional childhood, my insecurities, my perceived flaws, etc. in the name of "honesty".

I used to do that too when I was dating. I'd show my dark side right away because I wanted to scare away anyone who wasn't prepared for my emotional roller coaster. I knew anyone who wanted to be in my life would need to be patient and empathic or it wouldn't work. I didn't want to waste MY time with someone who just liked me when I was in a good mood.

 

[doctor_insanus]

Don't confuse "confidence" with "being a manipulative bastard." Unless that's the kinda thing you're looking for. Everybody's got their thing, I guess.

Why are you asking me for relationship advice? Jesus Christ, run!

 

[Laurel]

I used to do that too when I was dating. I'd show my dark side right away because I wanted to scare away anyone who wasn't prepared for my emotional roller coaster. I knew anyone who wanted to be in my life would need to be patient and empathic or it wouldn't work. I didn't want to waste MY time with someone who just liked me when I was in a good mood.

I get this, I really do. But the thing is that you're not giving them a fair chance. People are more likely to accept our warts once they've gotten to know us. Throwing issues at them first thing is a hostile act. It makes them feel unwanted. And making people "prove" their affection for you is a part of your personal insecurity issues. And TBH, it will never satisfy you - because once they've passed one "test", then you'll feel compelled to "test" them again ("can he handle this?" "what about this?"). He'll feel unwanted and leave, and you'll say, "See, he never liked me". It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Don't "test" friendships/relationships. Take people at their word. If they say they like you, then they like you. Understand that they have inner lives and concerns - just like you - and thus sometimes may not be there for you immediately every time. That doesn't mean they don't care for you. TRUST them. Don't push the river. Let them have other friends/connections. It doesn't diminish they're love for you in any way.

Connections happen slowly, day by day, over a series of shared experiences and conversations and emotions. Let things happen naturally. Don't try to "rush" things. Relax.

Don't confuse "confidence" with "being a manipulative bastard."

Truth. A big hint: confident people don't enjoy making others feel bad.

 

[doctor_insanus]

Truth. A big hint: confident people don't enjoy making others feel bad.

http://hqwallbase.com/images/medium/a-rose_cat-1547451.jpg

Confident Kitteh says "Hey, babee."

 

[toubab]

You could fail miserably every time and still be confident.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JazY6x28qVA/TimUwI3MAaI/AAAAAAAABWs/W65inZxMgXo/s1600/Obama+Does+The+Mussolini.jpg

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vfkWnQNWCRE

Helpful information

 

[sprincess1990]

No, I think you should always try to be honest about yourself with people you care for. But honesty doesn't mean you need to share every thought you ever have.

I used to tell my friends and boyfriends all about my dysfunctional childhood, my insecurities, my perceived flaws, etc. in the name of "honesty". But eventually I realized that by doing so I was putting huge burden on them. I was basically "unloading" my issues on them. It made them uncomfortable because they really didn't know how to handle all that info. They aren't psychiatrists. As much as they cared for me, they really couldn't "do" anything with all that stuff. It was, in a sense, unfair of me to do that to them.

And then because I opened up to them on those issues, I was more likely to share every little insecure thought I had. Pretty soon that becomes all we'd talk about when we were together - my issues, my sadnesses, me me me. And was very tiresome for the other person. They'd drift away. Or more accurately, they were pushed away.

Sharing these things - especially early on in a relationship - will not bring him closer to you. It will actually get in the way of you knowing each other, drive you further apart.

As huge as these confidence issues feel to you, they are actually a very small part of who you are. The other parts - your interests (music, movies, etc.), your likes and dislikes, your opinions, your dreams, your sense of humor: these are the things you should share. These are YOU. This is what other people want from you when they say they want to "get to know you".

There's a tendency to believe that the "dark" bits of us are the only "real" bits. That's untrue. The light, good bits are just as real - in fact, they may be even more real, as most of the time the "dark" bits are nothing more than shadows of our own insecurities that our minds cast.

Self-doubt is exaggerated, ever-shifting, insubstantial. It's a part of being human. We all have it. But it's a teeny fraction of who we are.

Again, talking about these things with someone outside of the mental health field will not help you. It will only serve to drive people away from you. It's unfair, in a way, to expect him to "help" you - and that's what they will think you want from them when you share these things. That's not the purpose of a boyfriend/husband/friend/partner.

Think about the people who you are attracted to, who you enjoy being around. Chances are, they are people who are interesting, fun, kind, friendly, have stuff to say. It's unlikely that they are mopey or negative or talk themselves down. They're people who make you feel good, make you laugh, make you think.

I'm not saying you should be sunshine and light every second. I think we all expect that people we meet have highs and lows, have gone through good experiences and bad ones, get cranky and tired and bitchy. I'm just saying that those (minor) unhappy personal issues are things that should be shared with someone who can actually help you - your therapist, not with your friends or lovers. Give those you love your best self, your love and kindness and support, because that's what they deserve - and they'll do the same for you. That's what friendship/love is about.

I really like that way of explaining things. I think I really under value the positive things about me, so that's something I'm going to work on. Just because my likes/dislikes etc are different to most, doesn't make them any less interesting or admirable.

I also don't know if I've ever looked at my concept of discloser as a burden before like that. I've always gone with the school of thought that if I'm honest from the get go, people know what they're signing up for. I never really considered how that might make people feel, especially those who's natural instinct is to try and help.

Oh and P.S I want a tiny elephant on a trampoline!

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I get this, I really do. But the thing is that you're not giving them a fair chance. People are more likely to accept our warts once they've gotten to know us. Throwing issues at them first thing is a hostile act. It makes them feel unwanted. And making people "prove" their affection for you is a part of your personal insecurity issues. And TBH, it will never satisfy you - because once they've passed one "test", then you'll feel compelled to "test" them again ("can he handle this?" "what about this?"). He'll feel unwanted and leave, and you'll say, "See, he never liked me". It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Don't "test" friendships/relationships. Take people at their word. If they say they like you, then they like you. Understand that they have inner lives and concerns - just like you - and thus sometimes may not be there for you immediately every time. That doesn't mean they don't care for you. TRUST them. Don't push the river. Let them have other friends/connections. It doesn't diminish they're love for you in any way.

Connections happen slowly, day by day, over a series of shared experiences and conversations and emotions. Let things happen naturally. Don't try to "rush" things. Relax.



Truth. A big hint: confident people don't enjoy making others feel bad.

Some of us are confident plenty of people can benefit from abandoning the delusion that theyre all that and more or even adequate, they arent. Celebrating mediocrity and malingering is crazy. Plenty of people really do eat shit.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

The idea that all are equally worthy of esteem and soft words came from an Eastern European perfesser named Franz Boaz back in the 20s. Boaz had a crazy notion that Nazis and cannibals and Muslims are entitled to the high regards and dulcet warbling we use with Amish farmers and children. Its absurd but appealed to women. It still does. When Muhammud Brown cuts your head off with his Old Timer pocket knife its for sure he's really a good boy in bad company.

When I was an intern one of my patients had been raped by several black guys. She was angry, and during the intake interview referred to them as GODDAMNED NIGGERS. My clinical perfesser heard it on the tape and came unwrapped, demanding to know why I didn't stop the woman and scold her for being a racist.