Confused (not sexually)

[thom_rust]

so i'm a 22 year old male with a very high sex drive. i love sex and everything that it entails. unfortunately tonight, i was faced w/ an ultimatum. a very dear friend of mine, which i would consider the only woman in the world that i fully trust, told me tonight that i needed to decide if i want to be with her or not. we've always been very close and very open w/ each other. we have sex every now and then, but it's nothing to really brag about i guess. i love her, but i don't know if i'm in love with her. i also love sex, and if i chose her, i'm dropping my sex life. hmm. i'm just confused at this point.

 

[_Anna_]

Spend more time with her so you can decide whether you're in love with her.

 

[thom_rust]

we spend a lot of time together, and it's quite possible that i am in love with her. i guess the main thing is, if i do decide to settle down with her, it's a good possibility that it will be for good; and that scares me. that's probably the greatest holdup of all for me right now.

thanks for responding Anna

 

[_Anna_]

No problem... I suppose you're afraid of commitment? But that's a normal thing in any starting relationship.

 

[thom_rust]

it's the fact that this commitment could potentially last forever. i just don't know if i'm ready for that

 

[Tripple X]

it's the fact that this commitment could potentially last forever. i just don't know if i'm ready for that

In relationships ive kinda went by instinct and / or my gut feelings... its not let me down yet. If you dont follow your heart... you'll end up regreting not doing it. I learned that the hard way when I was 20...

 

[Elengil]

Want to tell us a bit more about her? Might help us with the advice...

 

[thom_rust]

In relationships ive kinda went by instinct and / or my gut feelings... its not let me down yet. If you dont follow your heart... you'll end up regreting not doing it. I learned that the hard way when I was 20...

that's great advice, but i'm in this strange limbo right now where i don't exactly know what my gut instinct is. it's constantly changing. one minute i'm convinced that i'm ready to settle down, and the next minute i'm totally opposite.

 

[thom_rust]

Want to tell us a bit more about her? Might help us with the advice...

well we've been great friends for around five years. in the past few years feelings between us have grown very strong, but we haven't fully acted on them yet. we've tried to date and it works for a while, but then we both get caught up into so much other stuff that it fizzles out. this summer we've talked about dating more seriously and not just letting it fade away this time, which is what lead me to the predicament i'm in now. she's a wonderful person. very intelligent, driven, outgoing, independent, lovely. i just know that if i do decide to date her that this is the last shot. it will either go on forever or it may fizzle out again, but then i believe she would give up on it. it's just a lot of stuff to think about.

please give me your input

 

[rhyst_hatchyk]

Personally, I'd say take the leap and see where it goes. If it ends later on, at least you tried, but if you don't go for it, you'll live with regret. Believe me. I live with regret over my cowardice every day. Just do it, face it head on, and take the leap. If it doesn't work out, then you weren't meant for each other, but if you don't take that risk, you'll regret it forever, because a girl like this would be the one that got away.

It takes time and commitment, and effort. If you don't make the effort, it's not going to happen, so if this is the last shot, put your all into it. If it then fizzles out, then it wasn't meant to be.

 

[Katze]

well we've been great friends for around five years. in the past few years feelings between us have grown very strong, but we haven't fully acted on them yet. we've tried to date and it works for a while, but then we both get caught up into so much other stuff that it fizzles out. this summer we've talked about dating more seriously and not just letting it fade away this time, which is what lead me to the predicament i'm in now. she's a wonderful person. very intelligent, driven, outgoing, independent, lovely. i just know that if i do decide to date her that this is the last shot. it will either go on forever or it may fizzle out again, but then i believe she would give up on it. it's just a lot of stuff to think about.

please give me your input

You sound very ambivalent, and it sounds to me like you feel you "should" want to be committed to this young woman because you recognize she's a great person and you're close to her. But that's not enough. If I were her, I wouldn't be feeling so enthusiastic about getting involved with someone that wasn't really ready and happy and willing to commit.

Also, you say you love sex and the sex with her isn't that great. Not a good issue to start out with.

I think you know you're not ready for this with her, and frankly, if you two were crazy about each other, you wouldn't keep drifting apart. You're also, in my opinion, too young for it. Or, set a trial period where you two will see each other exclusively and see how it goes. During that time, you need to learn to ask for what you want sexually, and also ask her what she wants.

Good luck.

 

[SweetErika]

so i'm a 22 year old male with a very high sex drive. i love sex and everything that it entails. unfortunately tonight, i was faced w/ an ultimatum. a very dear friend of mine, which i would consider the only woman in the world that i fully trust, told me tonight that i needed to decide if i want to be with her or not. we've always been very close and very open w/ each other. we have sex every now and then, but it's nothing to really brag about i guess. i love her, but i don't know if i'm in love with her. i also love sex, and if i chose her, i'm dropping my sex life. hmm. i'm just confused at this point.

i'm sure people that "personals" probably isn't the best place to put this, but it's the only one i'm really familiar with.

Tommy

You don't sound very enthusiastic about making a long-term commitment to this woman at this point in time, so I'd advise you to decline on doing so. Your lack of enthusiasm probably has something to do with knowing you're not ready and/or she's not the best match for you in all of the ways it takes to make a relationship work, so listen to that.

Even if you lose the occasional, not-so-fantastic sex with her, you'll most likely still be great friends, and you can get your sexual needs met elsewhere, right? At 22, and with your desire to fulfill your needs, is there any reason for you to settle down at this point with someone who may not be the best match?

I'd suggest telling her while you understand her desire for your relationship to go somewhere and treasure her friendship, you don't think you're at a stage where you could be a good serious partner, and she fully deserves someone who can meet all of her needs. Do your best to maintain your friendship, and have fun seeing who else is out there - you might even find yourself happiest with people who seek an open relationship, polyamory, or some kind of nonmonogamy, like swinging.

Good luck, and just to let you know, the regulars in How To have a long history of giving superb advice on relationships, and just about every other subject. There's nothing wrong with asking in Personals, it's just that How To specializes in advice and you may find future questions receive more attention there.

 

[thom_rust]

thanks for the advice, everyone. i really appreciate it. and getting both sides of it has given me a much clearer view of everything. Erika and Katze, i think you two are probably right. my only concern with that route is that if later in life i realize that she is the one for me, that i'll regret not going with it. but i know that i'm not ready for it. it's just a shitty spot right now b/c she put in a situation where she's forcing me to decide right now. i guess in all actuality, it's probably a bluff on her part. surely she'd be willing to wait a round a bit longer if i'm truly what she wants.

thanks again everyone. you've all been amazing helps to me

 

[Tripple X]

thanks for the advice, everyone. i really appreciate it. and getting both sides of it has given me a much clearer view of everything. Erika and Katze, i think you two are probably right. my only concern with that route is that if later in life i realize that she is the one for me, that i'll regret not going with it. but i know that i'm not ready for it. it's just a shitty spot right now b/c she put in a situation where she's forcing me to decide right now. i guess in all actuality, it's probably a bluff on her part. surely she'd be willing to wait a round a bit longer if i'm truly what she wants.

thanks again everyone. you've all been amazing helps to me

your right there.... if she loves ya enough she'll stick around

Tripple X

 

[cocolacroix]

 

[BedtimeStories77]

(You're right. Advice seeking is not a "personal ad" so i'll move you to the right board.)

 

[marge_homer]

so i'm a 22 year old male with a very high sex drive. i love sex and everything that it entails. unfortunately tonight, i was faced w/ an ultimatum. a very dear friend of mine, which i would consider the only woman in the world that i fully trust, told me tonight that i needed to decide if i want to be with her or not. we've always been very close and very open w/ each other. we have sex every now and then, but it's nothing to really brag about i guess. i love her, but i don't know if i'm in love with her. i also love sex, and if i chose her, i'm dropping my sex life. hmm. i'm just confused at this point.

i'm sure people that "personals" probably isn't the best place to put this, but it's the only one i'm really familiar with.

Tommy

You are 22, 22, 22, 22................You have plenty of time to settle down. If you are not sure you're in love with her, then you are NOT. I know from experience that marrying someone without the same sex drive as you will result in you being back here on this board when you are 30-40 cruising for someone or masturbating to our naked pictures. There is a mountain of difference between loving someone and being in love with them.

 

[CutieMouse]

The jaded part of me thinks 22 is way to freaking young to be talking about "lifelong commitments"...

The logical part of me thinks it's doing the woman a disservice to expect her to wait around for a guy who can't commit to more than friends with benifits...

Is there some rule out there that says relationships are strictly divided into fuck buddy or forever?

You said you've tried a few times to have a more committed relationship, but it hasn't ever worked out; you've also said she's got all these amazing qualities... either decide to make a commitment to the woman (without the pressure that this one will be forever), or be friends and let the girl find someone willing to fully appreciate how wonderful she is. I'd put my money on being friends, given that you've tried this before and something else always gets in the way...

 

[UpTheIrons]

It seems like you think really highly of her. You have been friends for 5 years so I think if you give it a try and it doesn't work out, you probably won't lose that friendship. I say go for it.

 

[Louise_Loves]

Sounds to me like she's already committed. Most women wouldn't be making a demand like that unless they were.

You aren't. Sounds like you don't really want to be. That's cool. Just be honest.

She'll cry. You're going to hurt her. Deal with it. Love is a grown-up game. The question is: Do you hurt her now or wait five years when she's watching the kid while you're chasing skirt?

LL

 

[dawn_of_night]

this is totally cheesy and i appoligize

but... you shouldn't be considering if you can be with her... but can you be with out her?
is she part of what makes you who and what you are each day?

The good apples aren't always at the bottom of the tree

 

[SouthernDom]

so i'm a 22 year old male with a very high sex drive. i love sex and everything that it entails. unfortunately tonight, i was faced w/ an ultimatum. a very dear friend of mine, which i would consider the only woman in the world that i fully trust, told me tonight that i needed to decide if i want to be with her or not. we've always been very close and very open w/ each other. we have sex every now and then, but it's nothing to really brag about i guess. i love her, but i don't know if i'm in love with her. i also love sex, and if i chose her, i'm dropping my sex life. hmm. i'm just confused at this point.

i'm sure people that "personals" probably isn't the best place to put this, but it's the only one i'm really familiar with.

Tommy

Any form of a doubt on your part means this is not the right person at the right time to settle into an exclusive relationship with...........

The ultimatum is a warning flag that you might not see...............give into this ultimatum and you have set a precident that will be all but impossible to reverse in the future.

Time to move on IMO...............

 

[fgarvb1]

she is at the time in her life were so many twenty somethings females totally change their taste in men. I would give her a couple more years.

What the hell is the hurry?

When it's right, it's right and you will know it ( when you are older!). You won't be asking each other and us questions.

 

[HornyBunny]

This is a tricky one! I agree that you are WAAAYYYYYY to young to get that "serious" with a girl but then again - when the fluttery feelings of "being in love" passes your relationship will have to fall back on the actual love you feel and for a lot of people they find out at this point that the Love isn't strong enough to make it work.

If this girl is your soul mate then you might not get this opportunity again..... (at least any time soon) and you'll always wonder what it would have been like to be with her..

On the other hand - if this girl has been sticking around for a while it's only fair that she knows what your intentions are. You cannot keep her "dangling" forever you know......

Sorry to be devil's advocate but I've been burned like this before.

Good luck!

 

[fantasylover]

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