Could you respect a lazy Dom/me?

[Phirefly]

This random post topic comes to you courtesy of a conversation in which Phirefly attempts to explain the lifestyle to a friend (and clearly doesn't do a good job of it).

A comment a friend of mine made really set me off into a flurry of thinking recently. When talking about the D/s lifestyle, she remarked that the Dom/mes must be lazy people, happy to let subs do everything for them.

I didn't laugh, but my automatic response was to do just that. Instead I replied that laziness wouldn't work with a Dom/me at all, as they really have to pay so much attention to their sub in order to have a satisfying D/s relationship. Thinking more upon that response later, I realized that that was definitely not a universal truth, but more of a personal opinion. Then my thinking got conflicted. And here, for your pleasure, is a conversation with myself re-enacted:

Phire: I could never sub to an inherently lazy person.
Fly: Yes, you could.
Phire: If the Dom/me was only acting dominant so they didn't have to do anything for themselves, I would not be able to respect that, and therefore not be able to submit
Fly: What is this "not be able to submit" thing? You're submissive, you don't get a choice in that!
Phire: Yes I do! Don't I get to choose who to submit to? Being submissive doesn't mean every Joe/Jane on the street gets to tell me what to do! There has to be respect for the Dom/me in order for me to get into sub-space.
Fly: What if it was a service relationship, as opposed to a D/s "romantic" type connection?
Phire: Well, why would that matter?
Fly: It's complicated, isn't it? I mean, a little BDSM play in the bedroom, sure, you need someone willing to work with you and for you so you will work hard for them. But if you were in a servant situation... if you were owned, so to speak, (and I know you've thought about this!) would it matter if the Owner was inherently lazy?
Phire: Well, erm, uh... hrm... No
Fly: You need to figure out what you want, kiddo
Phire: *sticks a tongue out at herself*

Really, the conversation just degenerated from there. So, ok, now that you all think I'm a little not-right in the head for posting a conversation with myself, my original question remains.

Could you, personally, with your definitions of the lifestyle, and the way you live it, be a sub to a person who was inherently lazy?

 

[FurryFury]

Yes.

Fury

 

[catalina_francisco]

LOL, doesn't create too many problems for me....and yes, he is the first to admit he is basically lazy whenever possible (it is an artform ) so who am I to argue with the almighty knowing one? The way I see it is most subs want to serve, and many Dominants want to be served...the smart Dominant finds someone who can take up a lot of the tasks in their lives so as to relieve them of the effort and time required in doing them personally. Of course, there are subs who want to be taken care of, and I imagine then a lazy PYL certainly would be more than a pain in the butt. This thread might be of interest even though it addresses selfishness more so than laziness, there are some connections.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/134/376824463_35ca304946_s.jpg Catalina

 

[Chicklet]

I think it depends on what kind of lazy...

I don't know that I could be involved with someone period if they were overly lazy in the brain and in the body. It's one thing to have someone else running around doing things for you and that making you lazy, it's another thing to loaf around all day not not accomplish anything in life. I couldn't put up with that.

I've had boyfriends who were too lazy to go out and do anything with me, ever. Like, didn't want to leave the house. That, I can't respect.

 

[misspihla]

I agree that if lazy equals to lack of ambitions or goals in life and lack of willpower to get what s/he wants, then I doubt..

I was wondering following thing: what if the laziness means not giving much attention to sub. What if Dom/me is more interested in getting sub to submit and after that loses interest. Sub could be around, doing housework etc but Dom/me wouldn't care to play with him/her much anymore.. maybe Dom/me would then focus interest in new "victim".

This scene sounds possible to me. Will ignored sub then leave or stay in background (as there was discussion if sub would be able to leave at all)?

 

[coy_one]

I've decided regardless of the form of lazy, the answer is "no". Been there, done that, can't ever go back. Made me realize exactly what it was that I wanted.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I agree that if lazy equals to lack of ambitions or goals in life and lack of willpower to get what s/he wants, then I doubt..

I was wondering following thing: what if the laziness means not giving much attention to sub. What if Dom/me is more interested in getting sub to submit and after that loses interest. Sub could be around, doing housework etc but Dom/me wouldn't care to play with him/her much anymore.. maybe Dom/me would then focus interest in new "victim".

This scene sounds possible to me. Will ignored sub then leave or stay in background (as there was discussion if sub would be able to leave at all)?

I wouldn't call losing interest, lazy, Even in the vanilla pool there are men and women who enjoy the chase, but lack interest once they catch their target...that to me is just someone who needs that to reinforce their own self esteem, but then naturally find that it doesn't really do that in any lasting way.

Not paying attention depends why, on what level, and on whose criteria. I don't think it is actually the PYL's place to be there to pay attention to the pyl, even if it is nice from time to time, it isn't a necessity. In these parts, I get attention from him when he wants to give it, not when I might decide I want or need it. Lazy as he might be, and though he doesn't thrive on ambition as like me he doesn't see it proves anything, he is a high achiever simply through his intellect. LOL, once again yesterday, as has become the rule, his company received a request to extend a high end project for a much longer period than was at first negotiated, but only if F's company would guarantee the person they sent to carry it out was him... he has quite a reputation for getting things done when all others fail or can't be bothered. With such unique talent in his profession I figure he has earned the right to be lazy around home..he is not here to serve me or my needs, more the other way around.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/110/311536176_5753a95d7a_s.jpg Catalina

 

[lne_iii]

Tag for an interesting read, nothing to contribute though.

 

[Marquis]

Laziness has been a major hindrance in all aspects of my life, including my ability to dominate women.

 

[Chicklet]

I was wondering following thing: what if the laziness means not giving much attention to sub. What if Dom/me is more interested in getting sub to submit and after that loses interest. Sub could be around, doing housework etc but Dom/me wouldn't care to play with him/her much anymore.. maybe Dom/me would then focus interest in new "victim".

I would never put up with tha shit. Of course, I'm extremely high maintenance... I'm okay with being neglected a good deal of the time but I need to know that his attention is on me... like... if he is ignorning me meaningfully, it's different than if he's just indifferent. When a guy gets to the point of indifference I want to move on. I need to feel loved, and sincere neglect and disinterest is not going to make me feel loved.

As stated above, this doesn't seem 'lazy' to me - just like the dom isn't interested in the person anymore.

 

[Netzach]

I am inherently lazy about some things and insanely driven about other things.

It's not going to work with someone who doesn't believe in my art and design that's for sure, or someone who is going to fail to respect me for a disinterest in housework.

 

[graceanne]

My mother once told me that it's amazing how quick love and respect go when their's no food on the table and your husband sits on his ass watching television. I'd say it's the same for submission. If he's selectively lazy, that's one thing, but if he was truelly lazy - i wouldn't submit, and I wouldn't stay.

 

[Sukebe221]

I think it depends on what kind of lazy...

I don't know that I could be involved with someone period if they were overly lazy in the brain and in the body. It's one thing to have someone else running around doing things for you and that making you lazy, it's another thing to loaf around all day not not accomplish anything in life. I couldn't put up with that.

I've had boyfriends who were too lazy to go out and do anything with me, ever. Like, didn't want to leave the house. That, I can't respect.

i feel the same way.
i couldn't sub to a man who's
only goal in life was making an ass imprint.

on the flip side, who'd want to dom someone with the same ass print goal?

 

[Phirefly]

Heh, if I was lazy, I would not make a good submissive. I take pride in doing tasks though, but hey, we all get a little lax once in a while. That's probably acceptable, once in a while

 

[FurryFury]

I can be lazy about a lot of things.

There are some things in my life that MUST get done first and right. These things are taking care of my partner in any way he'll let me and be happy with, taking care of my kids which includes their education, taking care of the household, work and community service.

Each day I look at my list, what MUST be done? What can I finesse? When can I see on my ass and just breathe. Somethings have stayed on my list for years because I don't want to do it. I know sooner or later I will have to though. Yes, I procrastinate about somethings.

Lately, I've had to take a shit load of time to take care of my injury. I HATE it. It's draining so much of my time, time I don't have.

I've always been called lazy by some. I like to own that, so fucking what?

I LIKE to relax, not do anything, drift, sleep and distress. I do that whenever possible.

My husband fortunately has similar values. We are not particularly ambitious about status or money. We just want to enjoy life and meet our obligations. I sure as hell don't want to be famous but if someone dropped a fortune in my lap I'd take it.

If my husband wanted to be my Dom and was "lazy" to the same degree he is now, I'd call him human. I respect him now. I'd respect him then.

If he were ambitious I'd be the wrong person for him. Unless he was rich enough for a shit load of support staff. Frankly, I'm not sure I could tolerate even that.

I have funny views on things sometimes . . .

But if he ignored me? NO FUCKING WAY. That's a deal breaker for me. I was married to that shit once. Once was more than enough.

Fury

 

[graceanne]

Quite frankly evreyone's idea of being ignored is different than anothers. I have a friend who gets pissy if her SO doesn't go to bed at the same time she does and cuddle her. She's very high maitenance and knows this. It all, once again, boils down to communication. BEFORE you fall in love with someone you need to find out some very important things about them, and fury just hit the nail on the head with one of those important things - what that person wants from the future. A person who wants lots of money and a beautiful house and 2.3 children with matching cars in the driveway is not going to get along with a person who's content with a slightly run down house, enough money to make the bills, and a car that sometimes is finicky. It doesnt' make either person bad, or lazy, just incompatable.

In my world lazy is an absolute unwillingness to do shit, even the stuff that needs to be done asap. My sisters boyfriend has been sitting on his ass, watching television, while she works two jobs to pay the bills (including his truck payment). He won't even do housework. And before anyone asks - he's perfectly healthy. He's lazy (and a drunk). Someone who doesn't do the housework or whatever cause they were doing something else is exhausted from dealing with pain IS NOT LAZY.

 

[FurryFury]

I am many things at my core. Lazy is one of them.

That's why I can respect someone who is also lazy.

I tend to expect no more and usually far, far less of others than I do myself.

Of course to me there is a difference between lazy and not meeting ones obligations.

Fury

 

[Sylvia2]

Laziness just seems like an inherently submissive quality to me, and therefore does not sit well in someone claiming to be dom. To be dom is to be active, to be in control, which cannot be done in a completely passive way.

There is of course a difference from being lazy and just being allowed to relax; both my SO and I work hard and are fairly accomplished people, so we don't feel guilty about the times when we are able to behave in a lazy way, because we can. Those are the times when I'm more than happy to tend to his whims, because he deserves it, and I like to give.

 

[JMohegan]

A comment a friend of mine made really set me off into a flurry of thinking recently. When talking about the D/s lifestyle, she remarked that the Dom/mes must be lazy people, happy to let subs do everything for them.

lazy = averse or disinclined to work, activity, or exertion


All Dominants (like all human beings) are lazy in one or more areas of their lives. The possibilities include:

- housework/yardwork

- physical exercise/personal health & fitness

- academic/career

- efforts to explore D/s possibilities beyond the stereotypical and trite

- efforts to learn about & practice with new toys, tools, & techniques for SM play

etc.

Could you, personally, with your definitions of the lifestyle, and the way you live it, be a sub to a person who was inherently lazy?

I'm not a sub, but....

I think it depends on what kind of lazy.

Exactly.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Laziness just seems like an inherently submissive quality to me, and therefore does not sit well in someone claiming to be dom. To be dom is to be active, to be in control, which cannot be done in a completely passive way.

There is of course a difference from being lazy and just being allowed to relax; both my SO and I work hard and are fairly accomplished people, so we don't feel guilty about the times when we are able to behave in a lazy way, because we can. Those are the times when I'm more than happy to tend to his whims, because he deserves it, and I like to give.

Guess it depends on how you look at it. I always think of someone dominant as being someone who wants to be served, someone who sets the rules and duties to be performed, and specifies when those things are to be done by, which to me is perfect for someone who prefers to be lazy and have someone else do what they no longer want to do. OTOH, if a submissive is lazy, I tend to think they fall into the category of pillow princess who wants to do nothing and be pampered which to me does not spell submission and as you say, makes for a Dominant who has to be hard at work constantly...in which case why the heck would they want to be a Dominant if they are the ones who are expected to chase their own tail as well as that of the submissive just to get the simplist of things done? Submission to me is work, means serving, and certainly wouldn't work in this house if I were lazy....lol, I would not be in the house if I thought it were my place to be lazy and his to be constantly active....after all, if I submit, it is by his rules, not mine to decide when I will get around to doing what is expected if and when the mood takes me and I can fit him in because I have nothing else better to do.

Catalina

 

[Blushing Bottom]

touche!!

I am inherently lazy about some things and insanely driven about other things.

It's not going to work with someone who doesn't believe in my art and design that's for sure, or someone who is going to fail to respect me for a disinterest in housework.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Laziness just seems like an inherently submissive quality to me, and therefore does not sit well in someone claiming to be dom. To be dom is to be active, to be in control, which cannot be done in a completely passive way.

There is of course a difference from being lazy and just being allowed to relax; both my SO and I work hard and are fairly accomplished people, so we don't feel guilty about the times when we are able to behave in a lazy way, because we can. Those are the times when I'm more than happy to tend to his whims, because he deserves it, and I like to give.

While I respect your right to have made that comment Sylvia , it manages to be a entire spectrum of offensive to me. I'm a tad annoyed so will address it in more detail a little later , currently I am working really hard in areas of social decorum.

 

[Netzach]

Laziness just seems like an inherently submissive quality to me, and therefore does not sit well in someone claiming to be dom.

Laziness is totally unacceptable among the people who purportedly are there to serve me. If a submissive isn't planning on serving me, why are they there?

I'm channeling Eb I think, I miss her.

I don't understand relationships in which the owner is required to keep up with an elaborate list of wants/neat tricks/fun plans/rules and punishments/BS. I never will.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

My bad...
duplicate post

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Laziness isn't a "quality" at all Sylvia. At worst it is a character flaw. At best a temporary state from which we all suffer from time to time.

Laziness just seems like an inherently submissive quality to me, and therefore does not sit well in someone claiming to be dom.