counteracting extreme nervousness

[Anomily]

This may be a wall of text, just to warn you.

A couple months ago I met a guy through the internet - he was interested in visiting the area I live in and was asking people for information. We ended up hitting it off and I learned that he was engaged and that both he and his fiancee were interested in opening up their relationship. Fast forward a few weeks, we were talking through voice calls on Skype and there was some cybering between me and the guy, not so much his fiancee as she was a little more shy.

About a week and a half ago they arrived here and will still be here for another month or so and are camping pretty close to where I live and we see quite a lot of each other. The three of us seem very compatible and there has been a lot of sexual contact but when it gets to the actual sex is where the problems start. Both me and the fiancee are able to get him hard and to make him come through oral and manual stimulation but as soon as it gets to penetration, he gets nervous or something and goes completely soft almost immediately. This has happened three times so far. All three times we've both told him, completely sincerely, that it's completely okay, not to worry about it, he's still got 10 fingers and a tongue that work just fine. Has this happened to anyone before? Were you able to overcome it? How? Because as much fun as all the other stuff is, we'd all it if eventually sex became a possibility.

I feel like I should maybe mention that last night when it happened I started to get discouraged and wasn't so turned on any more so when he tried to get me off through other methods I wasn't all that interested and stopped him. After that he got really sullen and quiet and wouldn't talk to either of us, he just went to sleep or maybe pretended to. I know it was probably discouraging for me to go from 60 to 0 so quickly, especially because I'm generally always ready to go but I don't believe in faking things and it was really starting to get unpleasant. He's not bad at it or anything, I just wasn't feeling it. Is there anything I can say to make up for that? Should I have to?

And then there's the cherry on this sundae of threesome mishaps - his fiancee's cherry to be precise. I didn't know this before they came or even until 2 nights ago, but she's actually still a virgin. They're a long distance couple and the timing has never worked out for them to have sex. I felt kinda weird finding that out, considering they told me right after the first failed attempt at sex with me. She said she was fine with him doing me first and that it turned her on to watch but should I see this as a red flag? I really do wish they had told me sooner. This whole situation is just on my mind so much. Thanks for reading through this mass of text.

tl;dr: couple traveled a lot way for vacation and planned 3somes, guy can't stay hard for sex because of nerves.

 

[fgarvb1]

Huh.

This intercouple relationship situation seems more than a little fucked up to me, but then I don't have any experience in threesomes.

But I'm pretty damned sure I'd be "up" for the experience!

 

[Anomily]

HI there fellow canadian. Hmmm, interesting situation you have going there.

I'm assuming this couple is approximately the same age as you given she is a virgin still. I also am assuming he is not. That does seem very odd that he can't keep it up for sex. if not some sort of medical condition it is usually indicative of some sort of nervous condition. Some guys aren't comfortable being watched while they have sex. Again it seems unlikely though given what you've all done together up until now.

Since this is a group effort, so to speak it seems to me a group discussion is needed to sort things out. This could potentially be the memorable experience of a lifetime and possibly the beginning of a very interesting relationship. It seems a shame to let it fall by the wayside at this point.

The first thing is to address the hurt feelings. Everyone needs to express how they are feeling. "I felt frustrated because..." I was disappointed because..." That sort of thing. After that som "I'm sorrys" will go a long way to mending things.

Then there needs to be some discussion about the solution. Explore some options. Is female fiance comfortable with you and boyfriend having sex alone first? Would it be a good idea for the engaged couple to pop her cherry privately, or was the idea of making that a 3 person event part of their plan. I can think of some good ways of doing that with all 3 of you that might make it more comfortable for him.

Finally, if all else fails, Viagra springs to mind. His doctor will no doubt want to do a complete physical due to his young age, but if all else checks out I wouldn't be suprised if he could get a perscription or at least some samples to try.

Is any of this helping? I'd love to talk more about it here or in PM if you wish.

Maybe ages could help - he's 26, I'm 22, she's 19. He's not a virgin and I'm the only one with threesome experience, both as a third and part of the couple and this has never happened to me before. He has indicated that he's a perfectionist and worries way more than is healthy about getting everything right, plus now that it's become a solidly recurring problem I'm sure that's only adding to his stress.

We've talked together quite a bit, mostly me and her reassuring him that we really don't think any less of him and that there are so many more important things that we like him for but he seems to think we're just being nice, which we totally aren't. I agree that it would suck for this not to go further just because of a couple failed attempts.

I don't know about apologizing because I don't think he's done anything wrong and I don't think I've done anything wrong. I already apologized about last night anyway and I don't think I need to do it again.

I think the idea was for me to be there for the cherry popping and then at the end they were gonna say "oh by the way, she was a virgin" because they didn't wanna make it a big deal but ended up telling me because of where conversations were going. I'd be very interested to hear your suggestions for how I might facilitate this process because I am very attracted to her as well and if she's comfortable having me there which she seems to be I would be happy to. As for being alone with him, that might be an idea. I'll discuss it with them and see how they feel.

I don't know how much of an option Viagra is - he's from Norway and I doubt that kind of thing is covered under the basic travel medical

 

[silverwhisper]

anomily, i'll confess my immediate question is to wonder whether he's serious about wanting to have intercourse with you while he hasn't done that with her. my second thought: is there reason to believe that she's the instigator and he's going along with it?

ed

 

[Anomily]

anomily, i'll confess my immediate question is to wonder whether he's serious about wanting to have intercourse with you while he hasn't done that with her. my second thought: is there reason to believe that she's the instigator and he's going along with it?

ed

I thought about the first part but if he didn't want to he wouldn't keep trying. I've told him that it's okay if he doesn't want to. The reason they haven't had sex was when they've been together in the past they've always been surrounded by people, and then when she first got here her period started right away so it wasn't exactly an opportune time. Now he's just so freaked out about everything the thought of sex with either of us causes major stress and loss of stiffness.

And he's totally the instigator. She's very into it but he was the one who first asked me what I thought of open relationships, was very keen on moving conversations in a sexual direction, etc. well before I'd ever talked to her.

 

[SweetErika]

Is there a reason why they don't want to try having sex alone first, then see if you fit into the sex equation?

I can't imagine he'll have an easier time having sex with two women he's "failed" with there, but I could be wrong about that.

Overall, they're going to be in your area for another month, right? So have you considered giving them a week or two to connect with each other, then seeing if this issue works itself out naturally? If not, I'd suggest doing that.

 

[Anomily]

Is there a reason why they don't want to try having sex alone first, then see if you fit into the sex equation?

I can't imagine he'll have an easier time having sex with two women he's "failed" with there, but I could be wrong about that.

Overall, they're going to be in your area for another month, right? So have you considered giving them a week or two to connect with each other, then seeing if this issue works itself out naturally? If not, I'd suggest doing that.

I really don't know, that's one thing that they seem vague on for some reason. I did offer to give them some time alone considering that they haven't seen each other for months but they said they wanted me around. I really do think that some alone time should happen but it's not like I'm around constantly, I work 5 days a week so they do have a lot of days and nights alone together.

I really hope this works out for a lot of reasons, but the highest is probably for his confidence. The look on his face after it happens is just heartbreaking, especially last night after I told him to stop. On one hand I feel so bad about that because it made him feel so horrible and on the other hand I feel like I'm human, too. Sometimes stuff happens and if I'm going to be understanding of him he should at least show me the same consideration.

 

[SweetErika]

I really don't know, that's one thing that they seem vague on for some reason. I did offer to give them some time alone considering that they haven't seen each other for months but they said they wanted me around. I really do think that some alone time should happen but it's not like I'm around constantly, I work 5 days a week so they do have a lot of days and nights alone together.

They're alone that much and haven't had sex yet? Weird. Very, very weird. Have they evaded direct questions about having sex alone?

It sounds like something else is going on here; you might want to find out what it is before you get more involved.

And, alone time might take more than an offer on your part. Perhaps you should tell them that while you thoroughly enjoy spending time with both of them, you think it'd be best to take the pressure off by taking a break for a week or so. Hopefully they will take their relationship to the next level in that time, and then you can all reconvene and see how it goes/continue to enjoy each other from there.

I really hope this works out for a lot of reasons, but the highest is probably for his confidence. The look on his face after it happens is just heartbreaking, especially last night after I told him to stop. On one hand I feel so bad about that because it made him feel so horrible and on the other hand I feel like I'm human, too. Sometimes stuff happens and if I'm going to be understanding of him he should at least show me the same consideration.

I get that, and you're right, you are human and deserving of his consideration.

Keep in mind that you're only responsible for your feelings and behavior. You're not in charge of making the sex/relationship work out so he gets his confidence back, feels better about himself or can have sex with his partner. It sounds like you have handled the situation very well until now and have done all you can to iron out the wrinkles, so the rest is up to him (and her). You can't make him feel bad about any given thing if he doesn't want to feel bad about it, just like you can't make him have/keep an erection if all the necessary pieces aren't in place for whatever reason(s).

 

[Anomily]

@mrron: Sounds pretty good. Due to prudish roommates, I'm faced with a minor problem - not much can happen at my place and they're camping so everything has to be tent-friendly and it's not exactly a large tent. Group showers are unfortunately out, but I agree with the tone your suggestions set and a lot of your ideas are workable with a little tweaking. I'm optimistic that this will work out for the best if we continue down this road. I'll wait until I've talked to them again before making any decisions.

@Erika: Yes, I definitely find it weird, too. That's where a bit of a red flag comes up for me, not so much her virginity but a)the fact that they hid it from me and b)their seeming reluctance to do things alone. I'll likely see them tomorrow because I don't work the next day, so I'll talk to them then. If their relationship is in any way suffering from some unknown thing then adding a third person to the mix is probably the last thing they need. I'll hold off on another attempt until I know that I'm not destabilizing anything, I know from experience that monogamous long distance relationships are hard enough.

 

[satindesire]

@Erika: Yes, I definitely find it weird, too. That's where a bit of a red flag comes up for me, not so much her virginity but a)the fact that they hid it from me and b)their seeming reluctance to do things alone. I'll likely see them tomorrow because I don't work the next day, so I'll talk to them then. If their relationship is in any way suffering from some unknown thing then adding a third person to the mix is probably the last thing they need. I'll hold off on another attempt until I know that I'm not destabilizing anything, I know from experience that monogamous long distance relationships are hard enough.

Knowing this, were I you, I'd refrain from being sexual with them again until everything is resolved completely. It's strange that they would logically think that adding another body into the mix wouldn't complicate their already extremely strange situation...but who am I to expect people to make sense?!