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A short story (on Maradona) by Mr Martin Amis. Sir, you still got it, sir.
I love Cat Stevens, yes I do.
You're evil, you are. Banned!
And the best bit:
Pass notes
No 2,523
Mark Chen
Friday October 1, 2004
The Guardian
Occupation: Taiwan's foreign minister.
Notable achievements: Seven years as mayor of the southern county of Tainan; offending the entire nation of Singapore.
How precisely did he manage that? Mr Chen recently referred to Singapore as "a country the size of a bogie".
Oh. Is that the official CIA World Factbook definition? No, they have it down as 647.5 sq km.
And how big is a bogie exactly? Probably about the size of Wales.
But these things are relative, are they not? Look at Mr Chen up there, he seems to have a perfectly average-sized nose. Yes, he does.
So one might suppose that he produces perfectly average-sized bogies. Yes indeed.
Which would make his claim that Singapore is the "size of a bogie" ludicrously inaccurate - after all, he could not hope to fit Singapore up his nostril. Not a chance.
So we have two possible conclusions. And they are?
First, that Mr Chen was embroidering the truth, and Singapore is not "the size of a bogey". And second?
That Mr Chen's normal-sized nostrils produce abnormally large boogers. I like this one better.
Me too. Anyway, what occasioned Mr Chen's slighting of Singapore? A speech by Singapore's foreign minister, George Yeo, to the UN General Assembly, in which he warned that an independence drive by certain Taiwan groups would lead to war with mainland China.
I see. Mr Chen described Mr Yeo's speech as "nothing but an effort to embrace China's 'balls', forgive me for using such a word."
He has a bit of a potty mouth, that Mr Chen, doesn't he? He said that he was "speaking to our people so I used language they could understand".
And in the Taiwanese language, what is the word for bogie? Singapore.
Not to be confused with: Snotland
Where's that? North of the booger.
I love Cat Stevens, yes I do.
You're evil, you are. Banned!
And the best bit:
Pass notes
No 2,523
Mark Chen
Friday October 1, 2004
The Guardian
Occupation: Taiwan's foreign minister.
Notable achievements: Seven years as mayor of the southern county of Tainan; offending the entire nation of Singapore.
How precisely did he manage that? Mr Chen recently referred to Singapore as "a country the size of a bogie".
Oh. Is that the official CIA World Factbook definition? No, they have it down as 647.5 sq km.
And how big is a bogie exactly? Probably about the size of Wales.
But these things are relative, are they not? Look at Mr Chen up there, he seems to have a perfectly average-sized nose. Yes, he does.
So one might suppose that he produces perfectly average-sized bogies. Yes indeed.
Which would make his claim that Singapore is the "size of a bogie" ludicrously inaccurate - after all, he could not hope to fit Singapore up his nostril. Not a chance.
So we have two possible conclusions. And they are?
First, that Mr Chen was embroidering the truth, and Singapore is not "the size of a bogey". And second?
That Mr Chen's normal-sized nostrils produce abnormally large boogers. I like this one better.
Me too. Anyway, what occasioned Mr Chen's slighting of Singapore? A speech by Singapore's foreign minister, George Yeo, to the UN General Assembly, in which he warned that an independence drive by certain Taiwan groups would lead to war with mainland China.
I see. Mr Chen described Mr Yeo's speech as "nothing but an effort to embrace China's 'balls', forgive me for using such a word."
He has a bit of a potty mouth, that Mr Chen, doesn't he? He said that he was "speaking to our people so I used language they could understand".
And in the Taiwanese language, what is the word for bogie? Singapore.
Not to be confused with: Snotland
Where's that? North of the booger.
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Edward Teach
Mellow
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- Aug 29, 2003
- Posts
- 3,157
Re: Re: Free Law Degree
Something even more scary to me, CV is that the news media will not report the story.
As an aside, when the ABA was withholding its accreditation to the law school because of Robertson's adherance to the "Dominion Theory (Christians should rule the earth)," Robertson blamed it on his law school president and fired him. When it was pointed out to Robertson that he had advocated the DT in one of his "self written" books, he claimed to have been misquoted. The ABA finally knuckled under.
Ed
ChilledVodka said:
Something even more scary to me, CV is that the news media will not report the story.
As an aside, when the ABA was withholding its accreditation to the law school because of Robertson's adherance to the "Dominion Theory (Christians should rule the earth)," Robertson blamed it on his law school president and fired him. When it was pointed out to Robertson that he had advocated the DT in one of his "self written" books, he claimed to have been misquoted. The ABA finally knuckled under.
Ed
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Re: Re: Re: Free Law Degree
Edward Teach said:
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neonlyte's new story submission - which is bloody good, if you asked me.neonlyte said:Many thanks CV.
I was struggling with the ending, good of you to PC your suggestion.
And at the end of the story, there is the public comment section where I usually publish my stories. Radical or what?
shereads
Sloganless
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- Jun 6, 2003
- Posts
- 19,242
ChilledVodka said:neonlyte's new story submission - which is bloody good, if you asked me.
And at the end of the story, there is the public comment section where I usually publish my stories. Radical or what?
CV, I loved "Pubic Comment." One of your best.
shereads
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- Posts
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Re: Free Law Degree
What if I promise, pass the bar, open a law practice, run for office, win the election, but decide to promote something else - like Amway products or Islam?
Will Pat Roberson report me to the bar association?
Edward Teach said:
What if I promise, pass the bar, open a law practice, run for office, win the election, but decide to promote something else - like Amway products or Islam?
Will Pat Roberson report me to the bar association?
Edward Teach
Mellow
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2003
- Posts
- 3,157
Re: Re: Free Law Degree
God will get you. Or maybe Pat will have to kill you. I'm sure he has it covered.
Seiously, I know of a case where he gave a "pastor" who worked on his 1988 campaign a law degree for the express purpose of enabling him to run for a targeted judgeship in 1996. They had to have planned the move for over four years out.
The individual to whom I refer claimed to have earned his law degree from Regent in two years, communiting 250 miles each way while homeschoooling his two children and acting as music director for his church. I don't think so.
It is a long story but the short of it is that it goes on. I could not get an investigative journalist interested. Some don't think the evidence can be proved and others don't think it newsworthy.
The Regent financial aid section used to run pages (I haven't checked it in a few years) of many different grants/scholarships, etc. Stuck in among them was one or two sentences about a grant (I believe it was the Chancellor's Grant) for those deemed worthy who had demonstrated a dedication and ability to promote God's word through public service (or words to that effect).
A related story about the Christian Coalition's involvememt in the subject's campaign, done by a reporter for the Greensboro (NC) News & Record, was pulled three days before it was due to run, with no explanation, not even a notice to the reporter, and the reporter was subsequently transferred to the entertainment desk.
That same year, I learned of people being physically threatened by the Christian Right folks over a potential run-off election in a county commissioner's race in a neighboring county. The threatened candidate took it seriously enough to withdraw from the election.
Don't misunderestimate those folks or the lengths to which they will go. Some of what I learned that year was very scary.
Ed The Believer
shereads said:
God will get you. Or maybe Pat will have to kill you. I'm sure he has it covered.
Seiously, I know of a case where he gave a "pastor" who worked on his 1988 campaign a law degree for the express purpose of enabling him to run for a targeted judgeship in 1996. They had to have planned the move for over four years out.
The individual to whom I refer claimed to have earned his law degree from Regent in two years, communiting 250 miles each way while homeschoooling his two children and acting as music director for his church. I don't think so.
It is a long story but the short of it is that it goes on. I could not get an investigative journalist interested. Some don't think the evidence can be proved and others don't think it newsworthy.
The Regent financial aid section used to run pages (I haven't checked it in a few years) of many different grants/scholarships, etc. Stuck in among them was one or two sentences about a grant (I believe it was the Chancellor's Grant) for those deemed worthy who had demonstrated a dedication and ability to promote God's word through public service (or words to that effect).
A related story about the Christian Coalition's involvememt in the subject's campaign, done by a reporter for the Greensboro (NC) News & Record, was pulled three days before it was due to run, with no explanation, not even a notice to the reporter, and the reporter was subsequently transferred to the entertainment desk.
That same year, I learned of people being physically threatened by the Christian Right folks over a potential run-off election in a county commissioner's race in a neighboring county. The threatened candidate took it seriously enough to withdraw from the election.
Don't misunderestimate those folks or the lengths to which they will go. Some of what I learned that year was very scary.
Ed The Believer
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Re: Re: Re: Free Law Degree
Thanks, Sher.
What should the world make of America and Americans if Bush wins?
From my main man, Gary.
Halliburton shares have fallen from $50 (£28) when Mr Cheney first took office in the White House to the low $30s.
You don't even have to read the article to get a big grin on your face.
Adultery was a fact of American marital life. Half of all husbands and a quarter of all wives "cheated". Bondage, troilism, bisexuality, bestiality and all the varieties of sodomy were as widespread as baseball or ballroom dancing.
Sotherland: brilliant.
Happy reading!
Ed, do they cover gynaecology?Edward Teach said:
Thanks, Sher.
What should the world make of America and Americans if Bush wins?
From my main man, Gary.
Halliburton shares have fallen from $50 (£28) when Mr Cheney first took office in the White House to the low $30s.
You don't even have to read the article to get a big grin on your face.
Adultery was a fact of American marital life. Half of all husbands and a quarter of all wives "cheated". Bondage, troilism, bisexuality, bestiality and all the varieties of sodomy were as widespread as baseball or ballroom dancing.
Sotherland: brilliant.
Happy reading!
Edward Teach
Mellow
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- Aug 29, 2003
- Posts
- 3,157
Re: Re: Re: Re: Free Law Degree
I think so. They keep everything pertaing to the female body pretty well covered.
Ed
ChilledVodka said:
I think so. They keep everything pertaing to the female body pretty well covered.
Ed
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Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Free Law Degree
BTW, everyone, 'hyena shag' is IN!
Back to school fer me, Ed!Edward Teach said:
BTW, everyone, 'hyena shag' is IN!
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Dear Mike (Moore) Iraq sucks - letters from US solders
Fox - naked truth (Rupert Murdock, Fox News, and lies)
Ack! The rest of stories can be found at guardian.co.uk All a bunch of lies and murders and Israeli killing Arabs and vise verca and loads about Iraq and US presidencial election I no longer want to read, etc. etc.
Fox - naked truth (Rupert Murdock, Fox News, and lies)
Ack! The rest of stories can be found at guardian.co.uk All a bunch of lies and murders and Israeli killing Arabs and vise verca and loads about Iraq and US presidencial election I no longer want to read, etc. etc.
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Ay up, imported GPs come to terms with a little local difficulty
Martin Wainwright
Friday October 8, 2004
The Guardian
Health administrators thought they had everything sorted when seven Austrian GPs arrived in a Yorkshire town to meet a local shortfall earlier this year, until the puzzled newcomers bleeped for advice on what a gob oil was, especially when it "were mardy".
They had all been checked for excellent English as well as the necessary medical qualifications, but one thing had been overlooked before they started work in Barnsley and Doncaster: the colourful variations of the South Yorkshire dialect.
Developed on medieval farms, then enriched in steelworks and coalmines, the argot is one of the country's most distinctive, including the survival of the intimate thou (pronounced tha) which has vanished almost everywhere else.
South Yorkshire also has an unusually large vocabulary for body parts, partly because of their secondary - or often primary - use as vigorous insults.
Among the intimate terms which baffled the new GPs were tuppence, uncle sam, chip, thingy, tail, sixpence, number two, floo and front bottom, all of which refer to either the male or female sexual organ.
Several were able to guess correctly at the meaning of "feeling jiggered," but the extremely local expression "Rotherham are at home" was beyond all of them.
"It was an unforeseen challenge," said Ian Carpenter of West Doncaster primary care trust, whose GP colleague Dr Lisa Rodgers suggested the only answer.
After explaining the Rotherham tag (menstruating) and mardy gob oil (mouth problems) several times verbally, she organised a mini-dictionary for the Austrians.
Among the more unusual NHS publications, it runs from "Ay up" (the traditional greeting on entering the surgery) to "winkle", which is yet another alternative to tail, uncle sam and the others. En route it takes in "sneck" and "snoz" for a nose and the words all doctors most like to hear - "champion", or "I couldn't be better, ow's thissen?"
"Our new colleagues' English is very good, but obviously it's academic English," Mr Carpenter said.
"There's a lot of colloquialisms used locally, and this'll also give them a bit of a flavour to help them integrate into the area.
The Austrians are pleased, but the authorities are not getting complacent. The hunt for GPs moves next week to Madrid and a new edition of Nips to Gut Rot, or a Glossary of Yorkshire Medical Terms, is already in preparation.
Martin Wainwright
Friday October 8, 2004
The Guardian
Health administrators thought they had everything sorted when seven Austrian GPs arrived in a Yorkshire town to meet a local shortfall earlier this year, until the puzzled newcomers bleeped for advice on what a gob oil was, especially when it "were mardy".
They had all been checked for excellent English as well as the necessary medical qualifications, but one thing had been overlooked before they started work in Barnsley and Doncaster: the colourful variations of the South Yorkshire dialect.
Developed on medieval farms, then enriched in steelworks and coalmines, the argot is one of the country's most distinctive, including the survival of the intimate thou (pronounced tha) which has vanished almost everywhere else.
South Yorkshire also has an unusually large vocabulary for body parts, partly because of their secondary - or often primary - use as vigorous insults.
Among the intimate terms which baffled the new GPs were tuppence, uncle sam, chip, thingy, tail, sixpence, number two, floo and front bottom, all of which refer to either the male or female sexual organ.
Several were able to guess correctly at the meaning of "feeling jiggered," but the extremely local expression "Rotherham are at home" was beyond all of them.
"It was an unforeseen challenge," said Ian Carpenter of West Doncaster primary care trust, whose GP colleague Dr Lisa Rodgers suggested the only answer.
After explaining the Rotherham tag (menstruating) and mardy gob oil (mouth problems) several times verbally, she organised a mini-dictionary for the Austrians.
Among the more unusual NHS publications, it runs from "Ay up" (the traditional greeting on entering the surgery) to "winkle", which is yet another alternative to tail, uncle sam and the others. En route it takes in "sneck" and "snoz" for a nose and the words all doctors most like to hear - "champion", or "I couldn't be better, ow's thissen?"
"Our new colleagues' English is very good, but obviously it's academic English," Mr Carpenter said.
"There's a lot of colloquialisms used locally, and this'll also give them a bit of a flavour to help them integrate into the area.
The Austrians are pleased, but the authorities are not getting complacent. The hunt for GPs moves next week to Madrid and a new edition of Nips to Gut Rot, or a Glossary of Yorkshire Medical Terms, is already in preparation.
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The end of thread.
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