Damn, I love the library

[Dj_Maximus]

...

 

[mr spikey]

Library helper

I push the cart down the aisle between the rows of shelves lined with books. I stop to replace more books on the shelf. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a girl relaxing on rubbing her temples. She looks as if she has fallen asleep. She is very pretty. Not watching where I attempt to place the next book, I miss the shelf and the book falls on the floor. I turn towards her and begin to offer an apology for waking her, as she wakes from her half sleep.

 

[DeliciousMaiden]

Maddie Brookes

I look at my reflection in the mirror.
Not perfect, but it would have to do.
I touched up my neck lightly and snapped the compact shut.

I looked up and found that he was standing watching.
Quickly I put the powder away and forced a self-conscious smile.

"Raven.... "

I started, uttering his name softly, the sound was a plea.
Was I asking for him to go, to stay, to...?
I could see he was kind and concerned.
That was what made it all so difficult.
I wasn't used to handling that.
I looked up at him, part of me wanted to be with him, to talk, to ...
I bit back a sigh.
I racked my brain for an excuse to send him on his way.

"I..I'm keeping you from your .. study..."

I said unconvincingly as I indicated his discarded books.

"I'm fine now... really!"

I smiled widely, but my eyes scooted away from his now piercing gaze.
Usually I was just wallpaper - there, familiar - I didn't usually have to contend with anyone this observant or... persistant.

My eyes were drawn back to his.

I looked at him nervously, wondering how much about me he'd seen and wondering how much about me I could continue to hide.

 

[Dj_Maximus]

...

 

[DeliciousMaiden]

Maddie Brookes

He was watching me still.
I could feel it.
I could almost feel the sympathy, the concern reaching out to me.
I glanced out of the window and bit back a sigh.

"Maddie?"

The call was a whisper, but it drew my eyes to him immediately.

"Are you sure?"

His eyes held mine. So earnest.
I had to send him on his way.

His voice echoed in my head as I tried opened my mouth to reply.

"Are you sure?"

I looked up at him and felt tears brim over silently.

"Noo.... "

I whispered ...

Finally giving into my need to be comforted.

 

[Dj_Maximus]

...

 

[DeliciousMaiden]

Maddie Brookes

Before I knew it he was at my feet, looking up at me.
I let myself fall against him, letting myself collapse against his body as I rested my head against his shoulder.
The tenderness, the sympathy... I couldn't fight my need for it anymore.

It was like I felt relief somehow.
Instead of sobs, tears just fell slowly, squeezing unnoticed from my eyes.
I felt hollow, exhausted.
I presssed closer to his chest allowing myself to draw warmth from his presence.
That was all he could offer me, but it would be enough:
The illusion of security for a short time.

I moved my hand to rest it on his shoulder and took a steadying breath.
I didn't realise that he could feel the trembling of my body as I lay against him.

"Maddie, it's ok. I'm here for you."

I looked up.
My eyes locked on his; anguished pools still swimming.
I was unaware of the despair and pain I communicated with that look.
I nodded, acknowledging his reassurances.

He drew me still closer and my hand moved to hang onto him.
I wanted to believe that somehow this would make a difference.
For this brief moment, I allowed myself to ignore the fact that behaving like this would actually make things worse in the long run and ultimately change nothing...

 

[Dj_Maximus]

...

 

[DeliciousMaiden]

Maddie Brookes

Finally, reluctantly, I drew away.
I lifted my head from his chest, but his arms were still curled around me.
I darted a nervous look round, but recognised noone.

"I- I... I'm not usually like this..."

I whispered apologetically.

"It's... not that bad... really..."

I reassured him.
Defences going up again, belatedly, I made light of my distress.

"You must think I'm so stupid,"

I forced a laugh.

"I don't make a habit of this..."

I blushed, trapped in a flow of apologies.
I watched him shyly, but couldn't help returning the soft smile he still seemed to be aiming at me.

 

[Dj_Maximus]

...

 

[DeliciousMaiden]

Maddie Brookes

His hands on my cheeks were soft and tender.
He wiped my tears speaking quietly.

"I think you need a friend and I don't think you stupid."

Kind words. What a change to hear kind words.

"Silly maybe...not stupid"

It wasn't said harshly, but it was what I could relate to.
I recoiled drawing away from his hands.

I was silly... silly because the only way I could change things was to be more....
I pondered how I could make myself better... more acceptable...

"Don't be silly Madeleine.." I heard it all the time...
I was used to hearing the shoulds and should nots.
Just because this man had been more polite about it, even he could see what I was.

"You're right.."

I spoke softly.

"... you think I don't know how useless I am... how... "

I shook my head, mentally beating myself up.

"I need to get my act together... only myself to blame..."

I murmur half to myself...

 

[Dj_Maximus]

...

 

[DeliciousMaiden]

Maddie Brookes

"Maddie, I didn't mean anything by that. I was just trying to get a smile from you."

I looked at him checked by the sincerity in his voice.
I'd gotten used to being told how worthless I was ... I guess I had assumed...

"Maddie, I won't lie to you. I have no reason to. I am attracted to you, but I know you are married. If you need to talk, don't let how I feel stop you from doing so."

"You're attracted to me?

I repeated incredulously

"To me...? I repeated. "Why...?"

I looked at him, questioningly, but my mouth smiled, I was flattered even though I really couldn't understand why this man could possibly want to ...

"Just help me help you..."

I nodded in acceptance.

"Ok... I'm sure I don't deserve your kindness though..."

I looked at him and sighed.

"I guess I'll just go out of my mind if I don't... talk ... to someone... that is unless I'm crazy already... "

 

[Dj_Maximus]

...

 

[DeliciousMaiden]

Maddie Brookes

"I don't think you're crazy.
I can tell you're dealing with something stressful.
Would you care to talk about it?
We can go somewhere else if you wish."

I smiled softly, touched by his offer, but knew that I couldn't accept.

”I can’t go anywhere else… I might be seen…
He doesn’t like me talking to … anyone… let alone …"

I broke off with a blush realising for the first time that he was really good looking and wondering what his girlfriend or wife might think about him playing Good Samaritan.

”I really don’t feel like I should involve you Raven… but … it’s not like he’s the … jealous type or anything.. just… possessive…“

I pause and become careless with my remarks in the urge to reassure him that my husband wouldn’t dream of taking on another guy.
Jealousy would mean he actually cared about me.

“… if he found out we’d been… talking … it wouldn’t be you he’d be angry at …”

I looked away and rubbed absent-mindedly at my shoulder.
Turning back I tried to read the expression on his face.
He was looking at me intently.
I blushed, realising I’d given a “false” impression and rushed on to try to cover the comment.

“Life’s just… hectic lately… you know.. it gets like that sometimes. I’m pretty bad at playing society wife… to be honest I think I’ve proved a great disappointment to him… “

My voice trails off. I knew I had.
He was always telling me how inadequate I was.
I’d heard it so often, I knew it must be true.

”I guess having someone like me back home, doesn’t help ease the stresses and strains of corporate finance..?”

Deep down I knew that whatever happened behind closed doors was largely my fault and was ashamed.

”Still nice house, healthy bank account… mustn’t complain…”

I spoke briskly, as if to pull myself out of my despair.
He’d told me over and over how lucky I was to be financially secure.
I knew on that side alone I would never be able to live independently.
Besides I didn’t know how.
But he claimed he loved me… if he didn't love me he wouldn't get so angry with me... he'd explained that lots of time.. and .… well… there was a price to everything…

I was so absorbed in my musings, I'd temporarily forgotten he was there.
I'd forgotten to turn away, to hide my thoughts.
I did not realise just how transparent my face was when I let the “everything’s fine” mask slip.
But this stranger did not know me, would not be perceptive enough to see beyond my words.

Denying my unhappiness had become second nature.
This was my life and had become normal and acceptable.
The change had happened so slowly, I barely noticed it.
It was only sometimes, when he really scared me, that I instinctively felt that it shouldn't be like this.
But.. usually it was fine...

"I'm fine..."

I spoke softly, echoing my thoughts.
Those words had become a sort of mantra.
I said it to myself and to everyone else... all the time.
It wasn't that I was lying, I just couldn’t see it.

Wouldn’t see it.
Unless I was forced to.
But if that happened… what then?
I'd decided long ago that dwelling on impossibilities was too risky.
I didn't think I could face the reality fully.
I knew I couldn't.

“Business as usual” was by far the best policy.

I looked up suddenly.
Aware that he'd been watching me again.
I tried to raise a smile, but couldn't...

 

[Dj_Maximus]

...

 

[DeliciousMaiden]

Maddie Brookes

"You may be fine, but are you happy?"

His question caught me off guard.

"Happy...? Of course not!"

My response had been instinctive. I backtracked rapidly.

"Who is really happy these days..?

I questionned, trying to keep my voice light.

I ran a tired hand through my hair.

"I'm... exhausted...

I admitted softly...

 

[Dj_Maximus]

...

 

[DeliciousMaiden]

Maddie Brookes

"How true! I am at my own crossroads right now."

I eyed him curiously and wondered what was happening in his life.

He kissed my cheeks. The touch so tender and light, unlike any touch that was still familiar to me. His hand was on my cheek and I closed my eyes, my head seemed to spin, images of my life flashing before me and all the time, the contrast of this man's gentle touch.

"Would you care to leave? Or would you rather me leave you alone?"

My brain hardly picked up his meaning.

"I can't leave... if I did he'd kill me... he's told me that... it would disgrace him you see... besides he knows all my friends... our friends... his friends ... "

I correct myself realising for the first time how isolated I have become, with noone to associate with beyond my husband's circle and influence.

"... this is the only place I come that he doesn't know about... and if he did, he'd stop me doing this too..."

I spoke softly, as if making light conversation.
His hand was moving softly over my cheek.
I opened my eyes and found myself staring into his gaze which was locked on mine.
It was as if now I'd started, the words just fell from me, the admission, but made all the more terrible by my calm acceptance.

"So you see... I deserve it... it's my fault... it's no wonder he gets so angry... I provoke him... and he's so... stressed ...

I catch his horrifed gaze as he listens to me speak.

"Ohhh.. he doesn't hit me..! "

I speak, as if the idea is incredible.

"He just doesn't realise his own strength and... I'm so clumsy... always .. falling down... slightest push... and... "

I hesitate and take a shuddering breath,

"... If I get in the way... when he's in one of his moods.... well... things fly and... accidents happen.... all.. accidents really...

 

[Dj_Maximus]

...

 

[DeliciousMaiden]

Maddie Brookes

It was done. I'd said it.
Accidents happened and ... that was all there was to it.
I'd convinced myself of it.

His face was still close to mine, looking intently into my eyes.
I returned his look blankly.
In the end it had been so easy, just to explain how I provoked the situations I got myself into.

"Have you told anyone else about this?"

His voice was earnest. I turned to him in surprise and smiled.

"That I'm accident prone... no.. why?"

His expression was unreadable.
I saw him rub at his cheek and didn't understand.
He was over reacting.. it wasn't so bad.. it....
He cupped my chin in both his hands and lifted my face to his.
So close, so intense was his gaze, I found myself holding my breath.
His eyes locked with mine, the question when it came was a hoarse whisper.

"Does he beat you?"

My eyes widened in shock and I tried to pull my face away, but he held me firmly, but gently.
The words were foul and every fibre in me wanted to deny it.
No one had ever confronted me with that question before.
No one could ever think that of him.. of me.. of.. us..

For less than a second, I shied away from the truth, but those words reached into me and exposed what had been hidden for years.

"Does he beat you?"

I nodded silently and forced the soft whispered admission from my lips.

" ... yes ..."

I closed my eyes then, unable to face him anymore.
Guilt and humiliation filled me.
This time the tears trickled painfully from my eyes:
Squeezed out as slowly as each word of the confessions I had made.

 

[Dj_Maximus]

...

 

[DeliciousMaiden]

Maddie Brookes

His arms were round me.
The last of my defences fell.
He pulled me to his chest and stroked my hair.
The actions were so comforting, even though the pain would not go...would never go.

"We need to get you out. And I know how..."

His whisper startled me.

"... out..?"

I repeated numbly.

"It... can't be done.. I.. my... "

I knew I couldn't face him again, not now I'd realised what I'd let him do to me... but... then I remembered his threat...

"But... he'd... come after me... he'd..."

I pull back and look at his face, he had said he knew a way, but I couldn't begin to think that escape was possible...

 

[Dj_Maximus]

...

 

[DeliciousMaiden]

Maddie Brookes

"Do you think you can go home, and assume normalcy for tonight?"

My mind tried to grasp what he was asking.
To go back? ... after.... but it did make sense...
This had to be planned.. somehow.. but..

"Do you think you can?"

I nod slowly.

"I've been doing this for years, one more night isn't going to make much difference..

I say trying to convince myself it will be alright.