Dear Chemgirl (Abby)
- Thread starter crazychemgirl
- Start date
crazychemgirl
spoon girl always
- Joined
- Jul 9, 2012
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- 43,590
This thread needs a good bump … it’s been awhile since you hopeless fucks have asked me for advice and clearly some of you need it.
The rules are the same … send me a PM with your advice question.., your pseudonym and whether you would like good or bad advice.
The rules are the same … send me a PM with your advice question.., your pseudonym and whether you would like good or bad advice.
crazychemgirl
spoon girl always
- Joined
- Jul 9, 2012
- Posts
- 43,590
Dear Chemgirl,
Long timelurker listener, first time caller.
I was under the impression that appendages get larger with age.
My nose and ears are certainly getting more prominent - as are the hairs that grow in them - now that I've reached my senior years.
Alas, by old fella remains disappointingly unchanged.
The missus has been waiting patiently for my tiny tinkler to develop into a long schlong but she remains frustrated, as am I.
What's going on?
Has science lied to me?
Am I forever destined to be no more than moderately equipped?
Signed,
Worried Wiener.
Dear Worried Weiner,
While it is true that some things never stop growing as we age, this is not true of all things … science can confirm (no, I will not share my research)..
I’d like to tell you that as you get older your bingo bongo will continue to grow … I mean, it’s a reasonable assumption .. why else are all these hot young girls with old men (reference: Hugh Hefner) …
But unfortunately for you… it’s not their bazooka the girls are attracted to. They have lots and LOTS of money.
I assume you don’t have lots and lots of money … I mean, I could be wrong. Or you probably would have invested in a medical procedure to enlarge your Jimmy John Johnson.
Like most men, you seem to have an obsession with the size of your jibber jabber … and I am here to inform you, that this is a rumour started and perpetrated by men. It’s true, if you have a micro machine in your pants you might find yourself struggling to get female attention … but most moderately equipped men fail to realize that the conker is not doing the sole job in pleasing a woman.
Unfortunately for you wife, it seems as you’ve gone into old age, you haven’t learned this… I assume she’s probably been responsible for her own orgasms since 1976 … (or whenever you met)… so your concern for “her” in this matter is highly suspect.
I would spend less time looking down your pants and more time in a book reading up on how to please a woman.
Long time
I was under the impression that appendages get larger with age.
My nose and ears are certainly getting more prominent - as are the hairs that grow in them - now that I've reached my senior years.
Alas, by old fella remains disappointingly unchanged.
The missus has been waiting patiently for my tiny tinkler to develop into a long schlong but she remains frustrated, as am I.
What's going on?
Has science lied to me?
Am I forever destined to be no more than moderately equipped?
Signed,
Worried Wiener.
Dear Worried Weiner,
While it is true that some things never stop growing as we age, this is not true of all things … science can confirm (no, I will not share my research)..
I’d like to tell you that as you get older your bingo bongo will continue to grow … I mean, it’s a reasonable assumption .. why else are all these hot young girls with old men (reference: Hugh Hefner) …
But unfortunately for you… it’s not their bazooka the girls are attracted to. They have lots and LOTS of money.
I assume you don’t have lots and lots of money … I mean, I could be wrong. Or you probably would have invested in a medical procedure to enlarge your Jimmy John Johnson.
Like most men, you seem to have an obsession with the size of your jibber jabber … and I am here to inform you, that this is a rumour started and perpetrated by men. It’s true, if you have a micro machine in your pants you might find yourself struggling to get female attention … but most moderately equipped men fail to realize that the conker is not doing the sole job in pleasing a woman.
Unfortunately for you wife, it seems as you’ve gone into old age, you haven’t learned this… I assume she’s probably been responsible for her own orgasms since 1976 … (or whenever you met)… so your concern for “her” in this matter is highly suspect.
I would spend less time looking down your pants and more time in a book reading up on how to please a woman.
Last edited:
NRJLIVES4ever
H-O-T-T-O-G-O
- Joined
- Mar 4, 2023
- Posts
- 6,971
I can't stop laughing at this entire sentence.
crazychemgirl
spoon girl always
- Joined
- Jul 9, 2012
- Posts
- 43,590
Dear Chemgirl,
I’m hung like small pony and super witty as well. So all the girls are wanting to see my junk. I’m into exhibitionism some, but I really want to feel valued, appreciated as a person, and not just a piece of meat for the ladies to flick the bean to.
How do I get to feel special?
Signed,
Sad Pony
Dear Sad Pony,
I’m glad you have so much confidence in your pony parts … and witty… I mean, you really do seem like the whole package. This leads me to believe that something is amiss.
Thay maybe you’re not being totally honest on an anonymous internet sex site.
This is completely not believable that everyone with whom I speak to isn’t exactly who they say they are … and now I’m questioning my relationship with Horny&Lonely6969
… I believed our relationship to be truly genuine and all the money I’ve sent her to pay her internet so we can continue talking … and now I’m questioning all the things I know about the world.
But I digress.
Now.. back to your problem that’s not really a problem but sounds more like middle aged man whining…
I noticed .. when you wrote your advice request to me … you were very dick forward … I imagine you if you were IRL just hard dick out shoving it in everyone’s faces.
Is it a nice dick? Probably.
Are some women going to be impressed by it? Potentially
Would women prefer personality over dick first? Absolutely
Now … you claim you are “witty” but are you showcasing this behaviour?
Are you woo-ing with words?
Are you gyrating with grammar?
Are you pulsating with punctuation?
On a site where words dominate … (I mean, it’s an EROTIC FICTION SITE FOR FUCK SAKES)
… words can be a powerful thing.
… but your accelerated dick adventures are leading to your own downfall because once you’ve captivated the vagina … you’ll forever been known as “dick guy”
It’s just science.
I’m hung like small pony and super witty as well. So all the girls are wanting to see my junk. I’m into exhibitionism some, but I really want to feel valued, appreciated as a person, and not just a piece of meat for the ladies to flick the bean to.
How do I get to feel special?
Signed,
Sad Pony
Dear Sad Pony,
I’m glad you have so much confidence in your pony parts … and witty… I mean, you really do seem like the whole package. This leads me to believe that something is amiss.
Thay maybe you’re not being totally honest on an anonymous internet sex site.
This is completely not believable that everyone with whom I speak to isn’t exactly who they say they are … and now I’m questioning my relationship with Horny&Lonely6969
… I believed our relationship to be truly genuine and all the money I’ve sent her to pay her internet so we can continue talking … and now I’m questioning all the things I know about the world.
But I digress.
Now.. back to your problem that’s not really a problem but sounds more like middle aged man whining…
I noticed .. when you wrote your advice request to me … you were very dick forward … I imagine you if you were IRL just hard dick out shoving it in everyone’s faces.
Is it a nice dick? Probably.
Are some women going to be impressed by it? Potentially
Would women prefer personality over dick first? Absolutely
Now … you claim you are “witty” but are you showcasing this behaviour?
Are you woo-ing with words?
Are you gyrating with grammar?
Are you pulsating with punctuation?
On a site where words dominate … (I mean, it’s an EROTIC FICTION SITE FOR FUCK SAKES)
… words can be a powerful thing.
… but your accelerated dick adventures are leading to your own downfall because once you’ve captivated the vagina … you’ll forever been known as “dick guy”
It’s just science.
crazychemgirl
spoon girl always
- Joined
- Jul 9, 2012
- Posts
- 43,590
Dear Chemgirl,
I have been trying incessantly to perform the magic trick of your AV and to no avail. How in the heck did you do that!?
I licked the spoon,
I put peanut butter on the spoon,
I wooed the spoon taking it to a nice dinner,
I made sweet sweet love to the spoon,
And yet it still doesn't obey and stay on my top li... oh wait the spoon is on your NOSE, my bad, guess I need to spend less time wanking.
Sincerely,
I did in fact see the spoon, seriously.
Dear I did in fact see the spoon, seriously.,
Well, well, well…. What a pickle we find ourselves in.
I really am shocked to hear that you tried all the above without adult supervision… because you know… spoon wielding is for the most advanced of us in this realm.
It’s not just some amateur thing that just anyone can do … blow on a spoon and prop it on your nose. Absolutely not, it’s much more nuanced than that, of course.
Clearly you have been over wanking so much you are stating to go blind. I feel like that’s the crux of the issue at hand.
Lets abandon first the notion that there is such a thing as wank injury.
It’s been long foretold by some amazingly smart and intelligent person (me) … that you can, absolutely, OD on porn and wanking.
Reaching the upper levels of this limit, is, once again … not something to be attempted by just anyone. It takes YEARS and YEARS of practice doing wankercises .., you have to train your peen like any other muscle. It needs to build up stamina like it’s running a fucking MARATHON … cuz that’s what wanking limit is … it’s a dickathon.
Now my homework for you, good sir… is to attempt to build up your wank stamina WITHOUT injury … you must start at the VERY bottom limit.
Zero wanking.
I want you to watch porn for 48 hours straight and do not wank!!!
Once you have completed this… you do it again! And again! And again!! And again!!!
5 reps total.
Then you will be ready … for one wank.
Just one.
you see where I’m going with this of course.
I trust you are smart enough to follow my instructions.
Maybe one day you will be a wank master like me.
PS .. there is no spoon.
I have been trying incessantly to perform the magic trick of your AV and to no avail. How in the heck did you do that!?
I licked the spoon,
I put peanut butter on the spoon,
I wooed the spoon taking it to a nice dinner,
I made sweet sweet love to the spoon,
And yet it still doesn't obey and stay on my top li... oh wait the spoon is on your NOSE, my bad, guess I need to spend less time wanking.
Sincerely,
I did in fact see the spoon, seriously.
Dear I did in fact see the spoon, seriously.,
Well, well, well…. What a pickle we find ourselves in.
I really am shocked to hear that you tried all the above without adult supervision… because you know… spoon wielding is for the most advanced of us in this realm.
It’s not just some amateur thing that just anyone can do … blow on a spoon and prop it on your nose. Absolutely not, it’s much more nuanced than that, of course.
Clearly you have been over wanking so much you are stating to go blind. I feel like that’s the crux of the issue at hand.
Lets abandon first the notion that there is such a thing as wank injury.
It’s been long foretold by some amazingly smart and intelligent person (me) … that you can, absolutely, OD on porn and wanking.
Reaching the upper levels of this limit, is, once again … not something to be attempted by just anyone. It takes YEARS and YEARS of practice doing wankercises .., you have to train your peen like any other muscle. It needs to build up stamina like it’s running a fucking MARATHON … cuz that’s what wanking limit is … it’s a dickathon.
Now my homework for you, good sir… is to attempt to build up your wank stamina WITHOUT injury … you must start at the VERY bottom limit.
Zero wanking.
I want you to watch porn for 48 hours straight and do not wank!!!
Once you have completed this… you do it again! And again! And again!! And again!!!
5 reps total.
Then you will be ready … for one wank.
Just one.
you see where I’m going with this of course.
I trust you are smart enough to follow my instructions.
Maybe one day you will be a wank master like me.
PS .. there is no spoon.
