Depression. It's a silent killer.

[Robbie527]

Morning.
I hope you’re doing as well as you can.
Be safe out there.
Love you.

Thank you and to you. I am doing some silversmithing to lose myself for a few hours. Currently working on a celtic cross with a central carnelian or maybe a green agate. A present for a friend who is having a hard time.

 

[Bassytian]

I'm usually a positive person, but grief in the loss of someone you care about can hit hard. I recently lost my friend, and I find myself checking to see if they've sent a message or even an email knowing there will never be one again.

My condolences. I have been there, losing someone and looking for them to reach out to you.

It's not quite the same but I stayed in my grandmother's apartment two nights after she passed and I kept expecting to hear her call out for me to help her walk to the bathroom, get her a popsicle, etc. I found myself peeking into her bedroom to check on her at times, expecting to see her. I don't know how many times I said "Oh, right..." out loud.

Grief brings its own brand of pain, feel free to reach out to anyone on this thread if you want. The regular posters on this thread will only want to talk about what you are going through and to help you get through it.

 

[forgotmyantidepressants]

I'm usually a positive person, but grief in the loss of someone you care about can hit hard. I recently lost my friend, and I find myself checking to see if they've sent a message or even an email knowing there will never be one again.

Grief is brutal

 

[Yknot1169]

Depression is always a hard thing to deal with,I didn’t even realize it till my wife and daughter pointed it out that for last several years that I don’t remember a day where i woke up and stayed happy all day,99% of the time im miserable.so finally went to doctor and told her about it and she put me on Zoloft my attitude has gotten a lot better.but i think depression is extremely hard on men due to us not having anyone to talk to or that we’ve been taught to hold our emotions in and man up.but a man like me (blue collar oilfield)that has a very feminine side at home and with my wife.i don’t have any friends close to me or that i would even talk to about anything

 

[Bassytian]

Depression is always a hard thing to deal with,I didn’t even realize it till my wife and daughter pointed it out that for last several years that I don’t remember a day where i woke up and stayed happy all day,99% of the time im miserable.so finally went to doctor and told her about it and she put me on Zoloft my attitude has gotten a lot better.but i think depression is extremely hard on men due to us not having anyone to talk to or that we’ve been taught to hold our emotions in and man up.but a man like me (blue collar oilfield)that has a very feminine side at home and with my wife.i don’t have any friends close to me or that i would even talk to about anything

It truly is hard for men, I 100% agree. Not to invalidate depression in women at all, men simply experience it differently and we face our own unique obstacles with it, that's all I'm saying.

I can't tell you how many people have told me that I am not a "real man" because I get depressed at times. While I'm quite masculine myself (don't let my avatar fool you), I'm not a "man's man". I don't like sports, I'm not a sportscar enthusiast, I don't "chase skirts", nor am I brash, loud, or aggressive. However, it is drilled into our heads that we have to be like all of that or we're not "real men", which I feel leads to a lot of male depression and sadly suicide. The feeling of "not measuring up" is overwhelming, I have spent most of my life viewing myself as a "lesser man" because I'm not "traditionally" masculine. At the tender age of 40, I no longer care about being like "the guys" and I'm happier for it. I only regret not adopting this mindset sooner.

Regrettably, we truly are alone in dealing with depression. Sure, we can always talk to other men (which I encourage you to do, all us should do more of it) and there are therapists and medicine. But at the end of the day, we men have to be our own therapists.

There is something empowering about helping myself. It isn't always easy, and sometimes I relapse back into a depressive state, but that only makes progress I make all the more fulfilling.

 

[Wetkitty09]

Therapy, for me, is learning the tools I need to be able to deal with my depression, and other emotional issues, when I’m on my own.
My kids know about my depression but it’s not something we talk about often. I don’t shy away when we do. I don’t tell them I’m ok just to ease their mind.
Be safe out there
Love you.

 

[Wetkitty09]

Morning. It’s cold and clear here today.
I hope you have the best day you can.
Be safe out there.
Love you.

 

[Zephreck]

I'm usually a positive person, but grief in the loss of someone you care about can hit hard. I recently lost my friend, and I find myself checking to see if they've sent a message or even an email knowing there will never be one again.

So sorry to hear this. Losing someone can be one of the hardest things to deal with in life. And the longer we live the more we have to go through it. I hope you can find some peace and comfort in this difficult time.

 

[forgotmyantidepressants]

My husband's friend's wife reached out and invited me to attend a free exercise class with her yesterday. I normally would never be confident enough to do something like that because I hate being bad at things in front of other people. But yesterday, I just decided to go for it.

And it was fun. No body cared that I sucked lol. The instructor came over and tried to help me learn the moves. I'm glad I went and I would go again and try to get better, but the classes are expensive. So I might just wait for her to invite me to another freebie.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

I'm usually a positive person, but grief in the loss of someone you care about can hit hard. I recently lost my friend, and I find myself checking to see if they've sent a message or even an email knowing there will never be one again.

After my husband died, I kept his number and contact picture on my phone until just a few months ago.
It just helped me feel like, maybe, he wasn't really gone.

 

[forgotmyantidepressants]

After my husband died, I kept his number and contact picture on my phone until just a few months ago.
It just helped me feel like, maybe, he wasn't really gone.

I still have "Dad" saved in my phone. I have no idea who has that number now, but I just can't delete it.

 

[BookishBabe0]

It doesn't matter how old you get, someone you love and trust will treat you horribly because they think they're in the right. It can send you into a tailspin, making you cry. Then, you reach out to someone who represents everything you can't stand because they're your twin. And she listens even though she thinks the 1964 civil rights laws aren't being done away with. And you tell her she was the one person you thought would take a stand against fascism. Is this weird af or what?

 

[PMarky2]

My closest friend died a year ago tomorrow. I was doing OK until after church, then it hit me like a brick. Doesn't help that I am currently at odds with my Autie Friend. We got on one another's nerves, so we are on time out.

 

[Wetkitty09]

It doesn't matter how old you get, someone you love and trust will treat you horribly because they think they're in the right. It can send you into a tailspin, making you cry. Then, you reach out to someone who represents everything you can't stand because they're your twin. And she listens even though she thinks the 1964 civil rights laws aren't being done away with. And you tell her she was the one person you thought would take a stand against fascism. Is this weird af or what?

This turn of events is taking many of us into a very bad place. I hope those in the know will fight back against this and the many other injustices that are coming.
Be safe out there.
Love you.

 

[EvaLane]

There’s so much to grief that I can’t seem to connect to.

I’ve never gotten a “sign”.
I’ve never been visited gently in my dreams.
I’m not fearful of losing the image of her face, or the sound of her voice, or the pause in her laughter, or the shine in her eyes, or the ring that held mine, hers, and my sisters birth stones side by side, nearly fusing together after decades of solidarity.

My dreams aren’t comforting, they’re awful. Every single night, I have to tell her that she’s gone while she fights with me that she’s not. She’s been gone for two years. When will my subconscious let her rest? Let her go.

 

[Robbie527]

I am not sure you ever can let go. I still dream about events that started when I was a teenager. The woman involved is long gone but her hold on me is vice like. To be honest I am not sure I want to be free because while the circumstances and events were unusual they gave me so much,

 

[Wetkitty09]

There’s so much to grief that I can’t seem to connect to.

I’ve never gotten a “sign”.
I’ve never been visited gently in my dreams.
I’m not fearful of losing the image of her face, or the sound of her voice, or the pause in her laughter, or the shine in her eyes, or the ring that held mine, hers, and my sisters birth stones side by side, nearly fusing together after decades of solidarity.

My dreams aren’t comforting, they’re awful. Every single night, I have to tell her that she’s gone while she fights with me that she’s not. She’s been gone for two years. When will my subconscious let her rest? Let her go.

I don’t think we ever really let go, we just get used to the hole that is left behind and learn to live with it. My parents have been gone nearly 30 years and I still think about them almost every day. The pain of losing them has become remote.
Be safe out there.
Love you.

 

[forgotmyantidepressants]

There’s so much to grief that I can’t seem to connect to.

I’ve never gotten a “sign”.
I’ve never been visited gently in my dreams.
I’m not fearful of losing the image of her face, or the sound of her voice, or the pause in her laughter, or the shine in her eyes, or the ring that held mine, hers, and my sisters birth stones side by side, nearly fusing together after decades of solidarity.

My dreams aren’t comforting, they’re awful. Every single night, I have to tell her that she’s gone while she fights with me that she’s not. She’s been gone for two years. When will my subconscious let her rest? Let her go.

In my opinion, grief for loved ones never truly leaves you. You just learn to live with it. But I don't think that's a bad thing...

It's completely human and normal to still love people after they have passed.

 

[Bassytian]

Lately, I've been feeling depressed because I'm very worried about my sick old cat.

I went through that in late October. A cat that had been a part of my life for 15 awesome and funny years suddenly feel ill, and less than 48 hours later...

I'm sorry that I can't assure you that your cat will be okay, all I can do is relate. Our furry family members are just as important to us as our human ones are. Hell, I care more about my furry little black vampire cat than I do most of my relatives or most people in general!

In my opinion, grief for loved ones never truly leaves you. You just learn to live with it. But I don't think that's a bad thing...

It's completely human and normal to still love people after they have passed.

Totally. If I may add, I think remembering a deceased loved one fondly is a sign that you still love and miss them. I don't think it means that you miss them any less than someone who is still grieving years later.

Out of everyone in my family, I'm the one that most often says "Remember that time when Granny..." and I drop a story. I still love and miss that funny old lady, that's why I keep the hilarious things she said and did alive.

 

[Bassytian]

Not really depressed per se, but I've had some musings lately that have lowered my spirits a bit.

So, as a weird kid with ADHD, I excitedly shared my interests (toys, cartoons, video games) with everyone I could find and was always told to shut up (yeah, I was annoying, I'll admit that). Eventually, I stopped talking altogether.

Now, as an adult, people demand to know why I'm so quiet. They want me to "speak up", to share what I think of things. Whenever I do decide to "speak up", I'm ignored. And people wonder why I'm so quiet, how I can go an entire day without speaking to anyone. What's the point?

 

[EvaLane]

Not really depressed per se, but I've had some musings lately that have lowered my spirits a bit.

So, as a weird kid with ADHD, I excitedly shared my interests (toys, cartoons, video games) with everyone I could find and was always told to shut up (yeah, I was annoying, I'll admit that). Eventually, I stopped talking altogether.

Now, as an adult, people demand to know why I'm so quiet. They want me to "speak up", to share what I think of things. Whenever I do decide to "speak up", I'm ignored. And people wonder why I'm so quiet, how I can go an entire day without speaking to anyone. What's the point?

Silence is too much for most people to handle, especially to those who aren’t comfortable in silence with their own thoughts. You being silent, to them, triggers them. It reflects their own fears, insecurities, and shortcomings - because if you are choosing to be silent, that must mean you are hiding something.

You become a task, something to unlock. But by that point they’ve already been running with their own narrative - your reality will never live up to the fantasy that’s been projected on you without your consent.

So now you feel like you’ve spent so long giving, and giving, and giving only to be ignored and now, now people are suddenly interested and it’s a joke because it’s still so self serving. You can’t even really be mad at them because on some level it’s human nature - I too would want to know what’s on your mind.

But past that, most people just don’t care after the initial discovery. It makes for a very one dimensional, lonely day.

That all said, having even one person actually care and value your thoughts and opinions makes the world of difference. It’s so validating and suddenly you aren’t that annoying kid rambling on and on, but an ecstatic adult expressing their greatest current interest to someone who genuinely cares.

Sorry to hear it’s got you down, but at least we aren’t those unaware kids anymore and we can learn how to stay away from those only seeking to take from us.

 

[Bassytian]

Silence is too much for most people to handle, especially to those who aren’t comfortable in silence with their own thoughts. You being silent, to them, triggers them. It reflects their own fears, insecurities, and shortcomings - because if you are choosing to be silent, that must mean you are hiding something.

You become a task, something to unlock. But by that point they’ve already been running with their own narrative - your reality will never live up to the fantasy that’s been projected on you without your consent.

So now you feel like you’ve spent so long giving, and giving, and giving only to be ignored and now, now people are suddenly interested and it’s a joke because it’s still so self serving. You can’t even really be mad at them because on some level it’s human nature - I too would want to know what’s on your mind.

But past that, most people just don’t care after the initial discovery. It makes for a very one dimensional, lonely day.

That all said, having even one person actually care and value your thoughts and opinions makes the world of difference. It’s so validating and suddenly you aren’t that annoying kid rambling on and on, but an ecstatic adult expressing their greatest current interest to someone who genuinely cares.

Sorry to hear it’s got you down, but at least we aren’t those unaware kids anymore and we can learn how to stay away from those only seeking to take from us.

Yes, you pretty much hit the nail on the head. I'm actually an open book once someone is willing to read. The irony is that once people do get me to open up, they find out that I'm actually pretty "normal" and boring, the mystery I apparently project disappears and it's disappointing for them.

Being a loner, some people may be afraid of me too, because the media portrays loners as being mass murders. You hear it all the time, "yeah, he was always a loner". I have never once considered hurting anyone, not even when the bullying in school was at its worst. One of my core values is to treat everyone the way I want to be treated; all I want is to be left alone or be treated with respect when I do interact with someone, so that's how I treat others even when they don't return the gesture. Granted, the vast majority are respectful, but it's all surface level.

Thanks for your words, they were quite insightful. I get longwinded on some of my posts on this thread, it's a form of journaling for me. Articulating my thoughts has helped me make sense of things, the occasional pat on the back helps too, not going to lie lol.

 

[Wetkitty09]

I find I use this space for journaling as well. When an idea is sparked I have a place to put it down and think about it. Getting positive feedback is a bonus.
Be safe out there.
Love you.

 

[Bassytian]

I got really depressed yesterday, self-reflection tends to cause me to spiral downward. It's nothing I haven't talked about on here before, loneliness, lack of success with dating, etc.

Such is the duality of schizoid personality disorder: we crave solitude above all else and yet we get lonely. We're not born with this disorder, it's largely believed to develop in late adolescence or early adulthood and is caused by rejection by our parents and/or peers during childhood. There are other symptoms, such as having a rich and highly detailed fantasy world inside our heads, the stories I post on here are born from that world.

While I haven't really said negative things to myself, I still can't help but compare myself negatively to those who have had more success than I have when it comes to dating/hooking up, I fall short compared to literally everyone I know. I tried everything the "experts" say to do, but still failed. I gave up trying in 2011, but the humiliation stings just as much as it ever has. I really need to only post on this thread too. Any time I browse the rest of this forum, I feel even more alone, like a failure.

One thing that really bothered me was the thought "Am I the same as those 'incels' I hear about?". The thought of being anything like those hateful people nearly drove me insane. I never blamed anyone other than myself for my failures, I only recently stopped blaming myself for it. It's not my fault either, God, nature, genetics, or whatever is in charge determined that I am meant to be alone, that's all.

I'm doing better now, I'll turn this pain into strength!

 

[Wetkitty09]

I’m having issues keeping myself from going crazy with anxiety and depression due to the current situation in the U. S. and how it will affect myself and those I love.
Be safe out there.
Love you