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Depression. It's a silent killer.

Morning. Once upon a time I had a close friend who I now call a mentor. She was the one that introduced me to the “not my circus, not my monkeys. “ saying. While I found it funny at the time It has helped me in so many ways to differentiate what is mine to take care of and what is not. I have thanked her posthumously many times over for her teachings.

I hope you have the best day you can.
Be safe out there.
Love you.
 
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I wake up in the morning, just wanting to die, 15 years of non attempted suicide, the thoughts never stop in the back of my head, you know the one where I am better off dead, tomorrow is not guaranteed, its not even a want - i do not consider it a need. I wake up in tear yet again. I can't wait for the morning meds to kick in. I am in my own head and its a scary place, reliving nightmares whole i am awake, nights are worse because the danger is more perverse. I remember every detail that set me in this person hell, its sent me off track - my dreams derailed. Therapy and meds, crying in my bed, I don't know me any more. The light doesn't shine anymore. Forgive me for being vulnerable and weak, I know its not manly.

Where do you go when your at the bottom every day, you pushed everyone away, your love is a fading memory. How can you be a functional member of society? How can I move from pointvA to point B? The sky is blue but all i see is haze. Shadows and misery especially when I know i was once happy. I was 8 when my life fell apart, I was a child abd now I just doubt. Innocence lost can never be regained, for even in regression the memories remain. Breakdowns happen and nobody understands. I am the broken husk of a man.
 
sillytheclown said:
Forgive me for being vulnerable and weak, I know its not manly.
Click to expand...
Being "manly" is overrated. Admitting to yourself that you are vulnerable and weak shows strength of character. A "manly man" wouldn't admit the truth of that, through sublimating those feelings, or denying them altogether.

I've thought of suicide (active as well as passive, i.e., i hope i don't wake up the next morning), and have been hospitalized more than a few times. However, i happen to believe in reincarnation, and if i don't get through this lesson during this incarnation, i'll just have to go through it again until i do get it. And oh hell no, i don't want to go through something similar again.

I've been through my share of dark nights of the soul, and the despair i feel when that happens is almost soul crushing. As Winston Churchill once said, "If you are going through Hell, keep going." I know how hard it is to see any kind of light when you go through something like that, but it IS there. I look around me at all the things i have to be grateful for, and they don't need to be big things. You can be grateful for a nice meal, a new pair of shoes, or whatever.**

Whether you believe it or not, you are loved by God, the Universe, All That Is, or whatever you want to call it.

On a side note, i try to remind myself that i can't control what others do or say, but i CAN control how i react to it.

Best of luck! 🙏

**Most of us don't like doing dishes, but when i'm doing them i express gratitude because doing dishes means i have food to eat. Same with laundry. I try not to see it as a chore, but something to be grateful for because doing laundry means i have clothes to wear. So i try to turn around errands, chores, etc., into something i'm grateful for.
 
sillytheclown said:
I wake up in the morning, just wanting to die, 15 years of non attempted suicide, the thoughts never stop in the back of my head, you know the one where I am better off dead, tomorrow is not guaranteed, its not even a want - i do not consider it a need. I wake up in tear yet again. I can't wait for the morning meds to kick in. I am in my own head and its a scary place, reliving nightmares whole i am awake, nights are worse because the danger is more perverse. I remember every detail that set me in this person hell, its sent me off track - my dreams derailed. Therapy and meds, crying in my bed, I don't know me any more. The light doesn't shine anymore. Forgive me for being vulnerable and weak, I know its not manly.

Where do you go when your at the bottom every day, you pushed everyone away, your love is a fading memory. How can you be a functional member of society? How can I move from pointvA to point B? The sky is blue but all i see is haze. Shadows and misery especially when I know i was once happy. I was 8 when my life fell apart, I was a child abd now I just doubt. Innocence lost can never be regained, for even in regression the memories remain. Breakdowns happen and nobody understands. I am the broken husk of a man.
Click to expand...
This is heartbreaking to hear.
I have only my own experiences with deep depression to go by and I’m not a professional. That said, my mantra when I’m that low is “follow the relief”. Find the things that give you a little relief from your pain. Then find another. I stress that the relief be a healthy one.
I would strongly recommend finding and talking to a therapist. And if the first one doesn’t feel right then find another until you find one that will help you.
Please keep us updated on how you are. We’re here to support you.
 
Wetkitty09 said:
This is heartbreaking to hear.
I have only my own experiences with deep depression to go by and I’m not a professional. That said, my mantra when I’m that low is “follow the relief”. Find the things that give you a little relief from your pain. Then find another. I stress that the relief be a healthy one.
I would strongly recommend finding and talking to a therapist. And if the first one doesn’t feel right then find another until you find one that will help you.
Please keep us updated on how you are. We’re here to support you.
Click to expand...
I have a therapist, but i have a pretty photographic memory, which is a curse. I remember most of my life to a general degree. I can just recall every moment good and bad, though my writing is generally not the better side. I have some older stuff that was more happy during my repression time.
I started a blog to write out my feelings, but it brand new.

I have pretty much distanced myself from society for the most part, very few friends anymore. I have a close family, but they don't get it, and i can't talk about some of the stuff, as they did nothing to stop my trauma.

Just a life, and i write to let others know there are things that others feel that they can relate to, and others have it worse.

Not sure it will ever go away, but i soldier on, its been this way for 15 years.

Thank you for your thoughts and words
 
RoanMtn said:
Being "manly" is overrated. Admitting to yourself that you are vulnerable and weak shows strength of character. A "manly man" wouldn't admit the truth of that, through sublimating those feelings, or denying them altogether.

I've thought of suicide (active as well as passive, i.e., i hope i don't wake up the next morning), and have been hospitalized more than a few times. However, i happen to believe in reincarnation, and if i don't get through this lesson during this incarnation, i'll just have to go through it again until i do get it. And oh hell no, i don't want to go through something similar again.

I've been through my share of dark nights of the soul, and the despair i feel when that happens is almost soul crushing. As Winston Churchill once said, "If you are going through Hell, keep going." I know how hard it is to see any kind of light when you go through something like that, but it IS there. I look around me at all the things i have to be grateful for, and they don't need to be big things. You can be grateful for a nice meal, a new pair of shoes, or whatever.**

Whether you believe it or not, you are loved by God, the Universe, All That Is, or whatever you want to call it.

On a side note, i try to remind myself that i can't control what others do or say, but i CAN control how i react to it.

Best of luck! 🙏

**Most of us don't like doing dishes, but when i'm doing them i express gratitude because doing dishes means i have food to eat. Same with laundry. I try not to see it as a chore, but something to be grateful for because doing laundry means i have clothes to wear. So i try to turn around errands, chores, etc., into something i'm grateful for.
Click to expand...
I read this and appreciate it. I can't give it the thought i need to right now.
Thank you,, i will respond in the right way soon.
 
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