Distance Relationship and then some...

[oxphocker]

Ok...so trying to keep the story as short as possible. I dated a girl a few years ago and really fell for her. We had some great sex, enjoyed each other's company, and didn't have much in the way of disagreements. However, I had to move for a job...so after about two months I get the dumped conversation. Needless to say this really hit hard and I stayed away from relationships for some time. In-between, I had a few casual encounters with ladies that roughly +10 years older than me, but not really key to this story.

At the place I took my new job, I knew there was a time limit and I would be moving somewhere else eventually. However, due to a small social circle and isolation, I ended up getting into a relationship with someone else. We get along pretty great but a lot of our interests are different and her experience with relationships is pretty limited. I ended up being her first in bed and I've tried to show her a small bit of that 'other' side that really does mean a lot to me...but she has been terribly reluctant. Between interests, religion, this, and what happened in my last relationship...I've been hesitant to get deeply involved knowing that I would probably move again. Turns out I did...took another job across the country and had to tell her about it. Very rough to do and she wanted to keep a long distance relationship as she is much more invested than I am. Now that it's been a couple of months there are a few things that I've been trying to process:

1. Our conversations online and on the phone are almost everyday or every other day...but lots of times it's mundane stuff. I'd much rather get into deeper conversations, but it's starting to worry me that I'm the only ones that brings anything up beyond when she's planning on visiting this winter.

2. I've tried to draw out her sexual side and I know she masturbates, but she won't talk to me. Kind of hard to have any sort of intimacy over the phone/internet but I'm starting to feel like some lech for wanting her to open up. It's to the point where I can't even fantasize about her much anymore because the reluctance gets in the way.

3. I'm wondering if my guilt about moving is what is keeping me in this relationship. On the one hand, we do get along very well...but compability issues keep creeping into the back of my mind.

Since I moved recently, there really isn't anyone to talk to in person about this, so I'm looking for some soundboard advice to get an outside perspective. Are there ways I can approach getting her to talk more to me in a deeper manner or about our relationship or am I fooling myself with not wanting to bite the bullet?

 

[ScottyS]

You don't have much of a choice but to bring it up, it seems. It may be difficult to talk objectively about the relationship. However, if you aren't interested in her, it's unfair to prolong it and raise her expectations even higher. Just my $0.02.

 

[baphemetis]

When you try to initiate deeper conversations, do you choose only topics that you are interested in? Have you tried to explore deep issues that she may be much more interested in than you?

Her religion, for example, sounds like an excellent topic to explore. The more you learn about it, the better you'll understand her. In any meaningful relationship, understanding and accepting the religious convictions of your partner can be crucial.

After a few deep conversations on *her* topics, maybe she'll be more apt to open up about yours.

Have you written her letters? In this electronic age of phone calls, texting, chatting, and e-mail, letter writing has become a lost art. There's something to be said about a memento that a person can hold in their hands and read, something they knew their lover had created, had touched. Add a dab of your cologne to throw another sensation into the mix.

If you can't discuss the topics that are you on your mind, you can write about them. She won't feel pressure to respond and she'll probably delight in receiving something in the mail. Letter writing is one way of maintaining intimacy in a long-distance relationship.

It sounds like this relationship is worth taking the effort to preserve, but you have to tackle the tough issues. When you see her face-to-face, make sure she knows that. She sounds like she very much wants to maintain the relationship. She should understand the need to work out these issues.

Good luck to you!