Do you have a goals or a bucket list?

[CandiCame]

Candi, if it's a chemical thing for you have you tried the nicotine patches or gum?

Yeah. I have never wanted a cigarette more than when I had a nicotine patch, which is actually a pretty common thing, because it's reinforcing the chemical dependency. Basically you're prolonging that 72 hour period for however long you use the patch. Those are more for people who aren't really chemically addicted, they're trying to kick the psychological habitualness. That way you can quit the act of smoking without ending the chemical dependency and going through DTs. Then, once you've changed your lifestyle you wean yourself off the patches.

They're actually specifically formulated so that you can smoke while you wear them, because the idea is to change the habit and not everyone can do that in a day. I did the patches and the gum at the rehab center and I would give anything if I hadn't. If I had had NO access to nicotine while I was there, like with all the other drugs, I probably wouldn't need it anymore. Because I was in a temptation free environment. I thought about going back for smoking, because you can do that, but those full immersion smoking cessation things are the full 3-4 days and they want like $3000.

They try to pitch it to you like, "Think of all the money you save not buying cigarettes! It'll pay for itself in a year."

Like bitch that's for a year though. You folks want a grand a day.

Basically the patch doesn't work for people like me for the same reason methadone doesn't work for people like me. Because if it's a chemical thing and you keep setting off those receptors it really just prolongs the process. And I get how and why that's supposed to work- you step down gradually and wean yourself off.

But that requires patience, self-discipline and control and I just completely lack all those things.

Which is like... not great. Because the way you get positive character traits is by deciding you want them and then working on yourself. Which is something I should also be doing.

Maybe I'm not fit to be an adult. What I really want is something a grown-up can't have. I want someone to baby me and hold my hand and set those things for me. I want an outside source to tell me, every time I get a craving, that I can't. That I'm not allowed. And I want to be forced to listen to them.

But that's like... not a thing. You don't get that because no one is just gonna come along and take all your responsibility. You HAVE to take responsibility for yourself and I just... I have a really hard time with it. I mean if we're being honest. Like I'm not trying to throw a pity party I'm just standing in my truth.

 

[patient1]

I see.
Usually I find your candor amusing. This is more tragic. Well, if you should start a blog or write a book as a lazy way of earning some money, let me know. I'll support the effort.

 

[CandiCame]

Hey so my fever broke last night and I realized that I came in here with my bitch crying and was a real Debbie Downer in what should have been an optimistic thread. I shit on good advice from people who were trying to help me and made excuses like a spoiled kid. I want to formally apologize to the op and to everyone else.

I actually talked this out in meatspace, and I realized that I really do need to quit and I need to make it a goal. I need to have a better attitude. I'm going to start small, manageable milestones for myself. And the first step is tracking how much I actually smoke. Once I know that, I'm going to cut it in half.

I'm going to try the thing you talked about that helped you quit caffeine. I'm going to try to get down to one a day. Because that sounds manageable, in my head. That's not the same mindset.

If the goal is, "I'm gonna quit." That sounds vast and impossible. Even, "I'm gonna make it through today," seems like that. But, "I'm gonna make it through 4 hours" instead of 2? I do that at work all the time. I can do that.

I'm really sorry I was on that negative so hard, yesterday.

 

[CandiCame]

Lord, I said

Like I'm not trying to throw a pity party I'm just standing in my truth.

Like a liar.

Could not get the image to work...

 

[ryan8558]

Just wondering if you go outside to smoke?

It's really not good for Bitsize to be around the second hand smoke.

Also, I haven't really looked into this, but is vapeing a better way to get your nicotine than cigarettes? Seems like you could do that without the tar and other additives to the tobacco?

 

[jaF0]

Everyone's ultimate goal is to kick the bucket.

 

[thør]

Everyone's ultimate goal is to kick the bucket.

I'd say that's not so much a goal as it's a final destination.

 

[AnneSexton]

Don’t sweat it, Candi. We can’t be all rainbows and unicorns every day. I find it encouraging when people reflect on things and come back later with a change of heart.

 

[adrina]

Hey so my fever broke last night and I realized that I came in here with my bitch crying and was a real Debbie Downer in what should have been an optimistic thread. I shit on good advice from people who were trying to help me and made excuses like a spoiled kid. I want to formally apologize to the op and to everyone else.

I actually talked this out in meatspace, and I realized that I really do need to quit and I need to make it a goal. I need to have a better attitude. I'm going to start small, manageable milestones for myself. And the first step is tracking how much I actually smoke. Once I know that, I'm going to cut it in half.

I'm going to try the thing you talked about that helped you quit caffeine. I'm going to try to get down to one a day. Because that sounds manageable, in my head. That's not the same mindset.

If the goal is, "I'm gonna quit." That sounds vast and impossible. Even, "I'm gonna make it through today," seems like that. But, "I'm gonna make it through 4 hours" instead of 2? I do that at work all the time. I can do that.

I'm really sorry I was on that negative so hard, yesterday.

Develop some coping mechanisms. ie take a walk, read something, work on the house/yard, draw, sleep... whatever. Find what works for you. And do it. Force yourself to use them.

You will need to find a way to handle the nic fits. If you don't have ways to distract yourself you will obsess.

Also, remember the nic fit does not last forever. It's intense - but temporary. It will pass. Eventually.

It sounds funny but every time I didn't smoke, I imagined that stupid mini band singing from the commercial. (No I didn't use the patch - they don't stick to me. They peel off. Ha.)

This one.

Because every time you do say no, every time you control your impulse... you really do deserve the accolades.

So there's your unsolicited advice.

 

[nowisthetime]

Everyone's ultimate goal is to kick the bucket.

Ain't that the truth? I'm definitely not afraid of death, I just hope it comes EASY and PAINLESS.

 

[jaF0]

That's always been my thing, quick. The lingering would be the death of me. But it would take too long.

Worst fear is to be incapacitated and part way between here and there.

 

[nowisthetime]

That's always been my thing, quick. The lingering would be the death of me. But it would take too long.

Worst fear is to be incapacitated and part way between here and there.

Yes, that would be quite mortifying!

 

[jaF0]

Can you just imagine the horror of being fully aware inside a totally paralyzed body, unable to even speak or blink?

 

[CandiCame]

Just wondering if you go outside to smoke?

It's really not good for Bitsize to be around the second hand smoke.

Also, I haven't really looked into this, but is vapeing a better way to get your nicotine than cigarettes? Seems like you could do that without the tar and other additives to the tobacco?

I've gone outside since my gf quit, so since before BS was born. If it's not cold she will sometimes follow me outside though. To continue bitching at me.

I smoke in the house if they're gone sometimes.

So I tried vaping and found that I vaped 24/7. Like just constantly.

When you have a cigarette, you finish it. And when you smoke 2 or 3 your throat and heart start to hurt, and that's your body's way of saying, "ok, we're good. You have reached your allotted smoking requirement for now."

Vaping doesn't do that. You never get any indication that you should stop, never get any satisfaction. You're edging all the time, basically. I only smoke a pack a day- those little refill liquid things are supposed to be a pack equivilancy and I'll go through five of those easy.

Also I broke my vape. Idk what I did but it quit charging. Which does suck because you could get candy flavored juice. I smoke menthol cigs but they have actual candy flavored vape liquid, like chocolate, strawberry, grape- it's basically kool-aid for your lungs.

 

[CandiCame]

Develop some coping mechanisms. ie take a walk, read something, work on the house/yard, draw, sleep... whatever. Find what works for you. And do it. Force yourself to use them.

You will need to find a way to handle the nic fits. If you don't have ways to distract yourself you will obsess.

Also, remember the nic fit does not last forever. It's intense - but temporary. It will pass. Eventually.

It sounds funny but every time I didn't smoke, I imagined that stupid mini band singing from the commercial. (No I didn't use the patch - they don't stick to me. They peel off. Ha.)

This one.

Because every time you do say no, every time you control your impulse... you really do deserve the accolades.

So there's your unsolicited advice.

You wanna know how stupid I am? My first thought was, "I could reward myself with a cig!"

And then I got real mad at myself because goddamn brain when I think you got something the maximum amount of wrong you could, you still pull through. Still surprise me.

I have a hard time.

 

[adrina]

You wanna know how stupid I am? My first thought was, "I could reward myself with a cig!"

And then I got real mad at myself because goddamn brain when I think you got something the maximum amount of wrong you could, you still pull through. Still surprise me.

I have a hard time.

Your as bad as the dieter who wants to reward good behavior with a cookie.

 

[pink]

..........

 

[neci]

i have some big dreams and a burn barrel.

the only one stopping me from being there is me.

goal one - fix the plumbing. once i have running water and a toilet, the sky is my limit.

 

[thør]

i have some big dreams and a burn barrel.

the only one stopping me from being there is me.

goal one - fix the plumbing. once i have running water and a toilet, the sky is my limit.

Plumbing is important!

 

[SissySalina]

Can you just imagine the horror of being fully aware inside a totally paralyzed body, unable to even speak or blink?

Sort of, yes.
You should try a total bondage suit suspended from the ceiling with your eyes, ears and mouth totally covered and stuffed while breathing through a tube.

 

[Richard_C]

I do indeed.

 

[With_David_Bowie]

..........

I just want to say you have been so good, I hope (actually assume) this edit is in the same vein.

 

[AnneSexton]

..........

I’m disappointed I missed what you shared. Hope you are well, pink.

 

[AnneSexton]

My goal today is to leave my apartment. Doesn’t really mater where I go from there as long as I wander around outside for a while.

 

[pantalaimonlyra]

Sort of, yes.
You should try a total bondage suit suspended from the ceiling with your eyes, ears and mouth totally covered and stuffed while breathing through a tube.

Jesus, reading that just made my whole body shiver in protest.