Dominant is not cruel - just the opposite

[Jada59]

Punishment is not a critical element of control in every D/s relationship, though. If we are talking about stereotypes, the fact that there MUST be punishment is certainly one.

Agree. But then perhaps some things that others might look at as punishment, I see as a pleasure/pain/sensuality type thing.

I used to write stories for certain people, at their request. Although technically, I can write anything, there are some things that I don't necessarily want to write about because they are just turn offs to me. That's what happened with this story.

I won't give specifics as to what he wanted me to write because just maybe someone else here is into that, but it involved certain types of humiliation.

I did include what he wanted in the story but then he wanted me to write more stories, always including these same things.

Nope. Just couldn't do it. Writing stuff like that simply didn't give me any pleasure so I suggested he find another writer.

 

[Jada59]

Why does it bring you pleasure to cause me pain?

I don’t understand.

I once had some say something similar to me in terms of something she had seen or read. She could not see the pleasure in pain.

I will say that I'm not into all kinds of pain. Just certain things. And I don't necessarily like inflicting pain unless it is something I know that the other person wants. But there are certain types of pain that give me intense pleasure. And better still, a pleasant reminder the next day. Like sitting down on a hard wooden bench after having been given a thorough spanking. Or trying to put a bra on when my nipples are sore from being roughly played with.

You're either that way or you're not and if you're not, I suppose there's no real way to explain it.

I know most people like ice cream. I can't for the life of me see why. To me, it's very unpleasant. I don't like the texture of it, the smell of it or worse still, the coldness. And it's not that I don't like cold things. I am drinking something with a ton of ice cubes in it as I write this.

 

[suboots]

Bdsm is incredibly complex. Finding a partner who matches your own exact take on it is most unlikely. So that said it's simply of matter of deciding if enough common ground exists for both partners. If a top wants just to inflict pain without consideration for the bottom then it's dysfunctional and isn't going to work.

I have topped guys, very successfully despite the fact that I am straight-ish. I actually derive a lot of pleasure from seeing them get what they want. Getting e mails post session telling you what a great job you did is reward in itself. Luckily my big thing is leather and that in itself seems enough for many. BDSM is 90% cerebral.

 

[Never]

Dominance without "cruelty*" is like eating ice cream toppings on their own.

I might do it, but I'm not enjoying myself as much as I could.

Why does it bring you pleasure to cause me pain?

I don’t understand.

I don't understand it either, but boy is it fun.

No true BDSM practitioner wants to HURT hurt you. Not for the sake of hurting, and definitely not if it brings only pain and no pleasure.

I totally want to HURT hurt people. And when I'm able to do so, I find it pleasurable, sometimes sexually.

There are sadists, and there are SADISTS. In this crowd, you are bound to meet people once in a while who fulfill their sociopathy through sexual sadism. Who really ARE into torturing or hurting for the sake of making someone suffer.

Sadism is found among sociopaths but it's also higher among people with depression and other mental illnesses. Any many ways, sadism is antagonistic to mental conditions that limit empathy. It's hard to enjoy the suffering of others when your theory of mind don't recognize others as having an interior landscape, or for that landscape to be of little emotional interest.

The psychological testing I've undergone suggests I'm highly empathetic, which is the opposite of what you'd see in your average person with ASPD.

* In a BDSM context, it's difficult to pin down when an action is cruel.

 

[suboots]

Assuming a willing sub, then a Dom/me is just providing what they want. I play without safewords and find absolutely no problem with that just as long as there is agreement upfront on hard limits. In my opinion this makes a scene much more realistic and enjoyable.

Of course then the onus is upon the Dom/me to judge this correctly. I have done this for many years now and I have never had a sub say that I went too far. Once or twice they have complained I have not been hard enough on them. As my main implement is a Dragon cane I think this says quite a lot.

I have also submitted on this basis, usually with a Domme who certainly considers herself a sadist. I find that being totally unable to influence the course of the session, strapped down, hooded and gagged very stimulating indeed.

 

[MilkFountain]

Bdsm is incredibly complex. . . . BDSM is 90% cerebral.

Exactly, especially the cerebral part . . . Sometimes, my wife and I explore her need to be led, especially obliged to do or say things she wouldn't ordinarily do or simply would never want to do. For her, it's mental torture, sometimes of the most extreme kind. For example, with me, she's very proud of her tits but extremely shy around others, even conservative in her dress. But, when we invite a lone male to dinner, she'll ask me what to say or do. Like uncovering her breasts during dinner when a guest said the dinner was almost perfect, I asked what was lacking, and he said he'd always dreamed of having dinner with a woman bare to the waste. She just about died of embarrassment when I suggested she comply with our guest's imagination.