Emotional Accounting

[gauchecritic]

Interestigly we have come to a phenomenon which Pratchett, Stewart and Cohen have termed "Lies to children"

For questions such as "Where do babies come from?" or "How does the sun stay up?" or "Why are those doggies doing that?"

Answers such as "From mummies tummy", "It's made of gas." and "They're having fun." Whilst not untrue are not even close to the 'whole' truth either.

But in terms of answering a complex question to an inquisitor of limited capacity or background they are adequate truths.

To the question "Does my bum look big in this?" an adequate truth; "It looks fine." is much more palatable than "Yes it does." which, being the 'absolute' truth, is not the truth which the question begs.

Lies to children can be taken as a label for grown up questions too, cutting edge science questions.

These days the brain is likened to a processor and memory. Before digital computing the brain was likened to a telephone exchange. Both these analogies are 'lies to children' because modern science still doesn't have the necessary knowledge of the absolute truth about the brain. But they are both 'useful' truths.

So in relationships. It's not polite to tell your wife that you hate her best friend so you lie by omission. (not always true of wives who hate their husband's best friend)

It's never a good idea for partners to fix on 'that time of the month' as the underlying reason for tears and tantrums, so again they lie by omission.

And the oldest sign of insecurity in the bedroom is very often lied about, size apparently (though not in all cases) does matter. Conversely, having a cunt like a bucket isn't something which partners discuss.

When greeted with the everyday question "How are you?" we all tend to lie, because "Fine." saves us having to proffer niggling doubts about the next pay rise, the slight ache in the right knee or worries about what your daughter was up to til 11 oclock last night. My answer to this question is "Better than most"

Gauche

 

[shereads]

Women don't think their husbands are great because they put down the toilet seat, only that they are bad for leaving it up.

But we won't be bothered by it, unless there's something else bothering us as well.

Do you find that little annoyances seem bigger when you're unhappy in a relationship?

I know women can seem obsessive about towels dropped on the floor, and toilet seats and so on. In my own experience, I didn't begin to care about those things until I was feeling taken for granted in other, more important ways. Then they began to seem like symptoms of something more serious. When things are going well, I don't care if he puts down the toilet seat or drinks milk from the carton. When the relatoinship is going bad, that's when I'm aware of making a tally in the negative column - and it's also when I can sense that he's making a mental list of his own.

 

[cantdog]

Yeah. Our house guest and my wife had many set-to's about the morning 'paper, but it was a false focus for a real incompatibility.

Everyone jokes about one "oh-oh" wiping out at least ten "attaboys" and it is, of course, only true in the sense that such an accounting is really happening. I don't keep such a ledger on anyone, as I've said. And if anyone were to do it, I would hope it concerned itself with issues of greater weight than newspapers, turns doing dishes, how the towels are folded.

How many spot-on towel folds equal buying a prostitute on a business trip? Can you earn a get-out-of-the-vows card, good for a day, with five years of dishes and good toilet seat habits? Would buying rubies help? Does anyone want to be in a relationship like that one?

cantdog

 

[McKenna]

I apologize. Defending the lie is an extreme case, but I warn against absolutes. In this case I have overstepped the bounds. My poor judgement.

cantdog

Please excuse a little sensitivity on my part concerning this subject. I appreciate your apology, and offer mine as well.

 

[bloodsimple]

Gauche,

I think I would offer a slightly different interpretation of your examples.

Where science (or whoever) simply doesn't have the understanding to be able to explain something, I think it's okay to use a reasonable analogy that best fits the known facts, and with which the requestor is comfortable and familiar.

With your "kid's questions" examples, I have a slight problem. I take the overall view that adults often unnecessarily sugar-coat explanations for children, and store up issues for later. The classic of this is when a pet dies - how do you explain to a child about death? I feel some adults, in the best of protective motives, unnecessarily shield children. In my experience, children can often deal with the truth long before adults actually start telling it like it is. That's not to say that we should deliberately upset children, just that perhaps we need a more robust view of what they can comfortably assimilate and gain from hearing.

To return to my own example (sorry, but it fits this point). I felt I knew exactly what my partner's issues were that led to this behaviour. It was oh-so-tempting to say so, especially in the heat of an argument or out of exasperation. But, to follow Cant's point, that has to be balanced against

a) do I actually know, or will I spout a damaging opinion?

b) will my partner take this as a positive step forward, or will she rage against the opinion and leave us both entrenched in our views?

c) will this make either of us happier (now or in the future)?

I think, when we speak of the need for truth, we have to accept that, as adults, we have a responsibility to consider factors like the above, before we give the unvarnished truth, however noble a principle that may be.

 

[rgraham666]

In regards to the 'how are you' question.

My standard answer is "breathing". This usually gets a laugh.

It's also the truth. Not what many people would regard as The Truth, but it is a truth

And it serves a good reminder to myself that's a fine place to start your day. All the other stuff, is either incosequential, or gravy.

 

[Guest]

In regards to the 'how are you' question.

My standard answer is "breathing". This usually gets a laugh.

rg, I often say, "I'm still here." P.

 

[shereads]

[
How many spot-on towel folds equal buying a prostitute on a business trip?

32.

 

[rgraham666]

rg, I often say, "I'm still here." P.

And that is the important thing, isn't it?