Feedback Request: First Erotic Story

[LastLostIdols]

...

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

It started good and quickly became 10 pounds of shit in a 9 pound bag. Are you bipolar? Its like pressured speech with loose associations and tangential points.

 

[kbate]

Reggie West sniffed another line from the back of Amy, she was unconscious, lying face flat in a burst feather pillow on stained cream sheets of the motel bed.

This opening sentence tells me that, should I continue reading, I will be bombarded with excessive adjectives having no purpose other than to add words to the story.

Try skipping the bit of telling us about the lurid setting and show it as the story unfolds. If the lamp is broken, let someone trip on it, or step on it and curse... don't just tell me "The lamp was broken".


Since you're telling the story primarily in dialogue, stay with dialogue and don't jump to tell me what the characters could say to me.

The story line (what little is revealed) might lead somewhere interesting, but the writing tells me that I probably won't be there for chapter 2.

 

[sr71plt]

??? I see only one possibly superflous adjective in that sentence--"cream." Other than it being a run-on sentence ("She was unconscious" should start a new sentence) and that "Amy's back" would read more fluidly than "back of Amy," I think it's a fine opening--and is spare, each word contributing new, interesting information; not at all too wordy or adjective heavy.

I haven't looked beyond the comment on the opening sentence, but this "blind leading the blind" stuff and going out of one's way to find something possibly wrong with a passage rather than looking at what is right can suck all of the individual voice out of a writer. There's very little wrong with that opener--and what is wrong isn't because of adjectives.

A couple in a motel room, with one snorting drugs off the back of the other, who is unconscious, is evocative and raises interesting questions to pursue by continuing to read.

 

[Mello_SixtyNine]

Reggie West sniffed another line from the back of Amy, she was unconscious, lying face flat in a burst feather pillow on stained cream sheets of the motel bed.

This opening sentence tells me that, should I continue reading, I will be bombarded with excessive adjectives having no purpose other than to add words to the story.

Try skipping the bit of telling us about the lurid setting and show it as the story unfolds. If the lamp is broken, let someone trip on it, or step on it and curse... don't just tell me "The lamp was broken".


Since you're telling the story primarily in dialogue, stay with dialogue and don't jump to tell me what the characters could say to me.

The story line (what little is revealed) might lead somewhere interesting, but the writing tells me that I probably won't be there for chapter 2.

The sentence seems kinda clunky and has a run-on feel. I probably would have gone with:

Reggie West snorted another line off of Amy's motionless back. Her unconscious body was splayed, face down on top of our motel bed. The cream-colored sheets were stained from our sexual escapades.

 

[sr71plt]

Reggie West snorted another line off of Amy's motionless back. Her unconscious body was splayed, face down on top of our motel bed. The cream-colored sheets were stained from our sexual escapades.

So, you're going for a threesome?

Of course, it isn't your story or your voice. Which goes back is the point of editing is to help the author with his/her voice/words, not replace it with yours.

 

[Mello_SixtyNine]

So, you're going for a threesome?

Of course, it isn't your story or your voice. Which goes back is the point of editing is to help the author with his/her voice/words, not replace it with yours.

I just wrote that as an example. Give him an idea how to make it flow better than his single run-on sentence. I remember posting a thread for help on my first story. I had a similar problem with a clunky sentence that I knew wasn't working. Couple posters gave me examples on how to fix it so it flowed better.

 

[sr71plt]

I just wrote that as an example. Give him an idea how to make it flow better than his single run-on sentence.

But you added a person, right? Your example didn't restrain itself to the scenario as given, right? An editor doesn't do this.

 

[Mello_SixtyNine]

But you added a person, right? Your example didn't restrain itself to the scenario as given, right? An editor doesn't do this.

What are you talking about? This was his sentence:

Reggie West sniffed another line from the back of Amy, she was unconscious, lying face flat in a burst feather pillow on stained cream sheets of the motel bed.

This is what I wrote:

Reggie West snorted another line off of Amy's motionless back. Her unconscious body was splayed, face down on top of our motel bed. The cream-colored sheets were stained from our sexual escapades.


I didn't add any names.

 

[sr71plt]

What are you talking about? This was his sentence:

Reggie West sniffed another line from the back of Amy, she was unconscious, lying face flat in a burst feather pillow on stained cream sheets of the motel bed.

This is what I wrote:

Reggie West snorted another line off of Amy's motionless back. Her unconscious body was splayed, face down on top of our motel bed. The cream-colored sheets were stained from our sexual escapades.


I didn't add any names.

Reggie West and Amy are given in the third person (therefore couldn't be included in "our")--then you introduced "our." That introduces at least one other person. Are you sure you are up to telling others how to write?

Don't really mean to go after you specifically, but when someone asks for help here, shouldn't they get help from someone likely to know more than they do about what they are trying to do? Don't they have a right to expect that?

Your "help" not only changed the scenario; you don't even seem to see what's wrong with it.

 

[litmlove]

* You need an editor, your self-editing isn't good enough.

* It is refreshing reading a story written in the stream of conscious style, unfortunately you didn't nail this style. More thoughts and comparisons please, and keep at it. I think you can be good at this style if you keep trying.

* The opening sentence is a poor mash of sentences, the last sentence of the first paragraph is even worse. I underlined what I don't like(and should be replaced):

The manager, that was her in the corner of the room, she was slumped over a tossed desk draw snoozing peacefully wearing nothing but Reggie's shirt, his pants he was sure were in the shower, soaking wet, how they'd got there was beyond him.

- I can be tough and there is a lot of things I don't like
- What does is "peacefully" look like? sleep is sleep.
- less "-ing words please" (not important)
- expand into multiple sentences - these sentence fragments can't be joined by commas
- delete the passive statements - The manager isn't "was slumped", delete the 'was' and rework.
- why is he sure? Instead of using thoughts verbs you can show us with a glimpse of a memory.

* The sentence is a complete thought and is used as the basic unit of English language communication. It essentially develops the logical relationships between objects and the world.* (* = I am not a scholar, don't quote me). What I am trying to say is don't have different ideas in the same sentence.

In the example above it is obvious that you should have split the sentence when the topic moved from the Manager's prostrate position and onto Reggie's memory of the pants.

Please don't think the means you can't compare and contrast. eg. "Reggis got up from the bed, the Manager passed out and dead to the world." or whatever.

* Please stop using commas instead of fullstops.

* You use passive sentences way too much. Objects shouldn't have actions performed on them, Objects do actions. Active sentences are much less confusing, it is bad enough you aren't using fullstops properly.

 

[Mello_SixtyNine]

Reggie West and Amy are given in the third person (therefore couldn't be included in "our")--then you introduced "our." That introduces at least one other person. Are you sure you are up to telling others how to write?

Don't really mean to go after you specifically, but when someone asks for help here, shouldn't they get help from someone likely to know more than they do about what they are trying to do? Don't they have a right to expect that?

Your "help" not only changed the scenario; you don't even seem to see what's wrong with it.

Oops. My bad. Should have wrote:

Reggie West snorted another line off of Amy's motionless back. Her unconscious body was splayed, face down on top of the motel bed. The cream-colored sheets were stained from their sexual escapades.

 

[sr71plt]

Oops. My bad. Should have wrote:

Reggie West snorted another line off of Amy's motionless back. Her unconscious body was splayed, face down on top of the motel bed. The cream-colored sheets were stained from their sexual escapades.

Should have written . . . (Doesn't this gaff alone make you question your ability to give writing help? It should.)

Can you point out in the original where anyone had had sex? It's not there. You aren't dealing with the original; you are changing the scenario. Editors don't do that.

From all that is known from the original opening that was given, Amy could be unconscious from being beaten senseless and the stains on the sheets are her blood.

 

[robertreams]

I think the idea is great. You're badly in need of an editor to check your work. The first line threw me because, (maybe I am dated) but I thought it was called snorting. Sniffing could be smelling, but snorting is different. and yes a run on, some glaring errors throughout the manuscript., but fix them, not so bad. First rule of Lit. criticism: Never listen to anything JBJ says.

 

[robertreams]

Oops. My bad. Should have wrote:

Reggie West snorted another line off of Amy's motionless back. Her unconscious body was splayed, face down on top of the motel bed. The cream-colored sheets were stained from their sexual escapades.

EEK! Have wrote? Written!

 

[kbate]

??? I see only one possibly superflous adjective in that sentence--"cream." Other than it being a run-on sentence ("She was unconscious" should start a new sentence) and that "Amy's back" would read more fluidly than "back of Amy," I think it's a fine opening--and is spare, each word contributing new, interesting information; not at all too wordy or adjective heavy.

I haven't looked beyond the comment on the opening sentence, but this "blind leading the blind" stuff and going out of one's way to find something possibly wrong with a passage rather than looking at what is right can suck all of the individual voice out of a writer. There's very little wrong with that opener--and what is wrong isn't because of adjectives.

A couple in a motel room, with one snorting drugs off the back of the other, who is unconscious, is evocative and raises interesting questions to pursue by continuing to read.

"I haven't read the story, but I disagree with someone I have never liked, so I'll make a comment."

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I read it and it seemed to me a swirling mix of fog and smoke and stuff. Bits were bizarre, as when the writer reports the drapes pulled shut with slits in the blinds filling the room with light. Huh? Its not quite schizophrenic word-salad but it is loose and tangential and illogical. I wondered if the writer is bipolar, and still do. Maybe he recently read some Joycean mind-farts.

 

[sr71plt]

"I haven't read the story, but I disagree with someone I have never liked, so I'll make a comment."

I did read the part I commented on. It's not my fault you didn't know what you were talking about.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Truly fascinating train of thought you have yourself. No really.

Anyway.



I'd agree with you, although I only gave it one re-write. I do have a serious problem with wanting to show people my writing as soon as i've written it, something I'm still not able to stop myself from doing. I'm currently going it again for a second draft, and I'll work on yours and everyone elses points.

And thank you for the words, I didn't actually realise i'd gone for the whole inner monologue style till you spoke up. So I think I might have a go at this type, never gone for it before, so it should be interesting.



Good to see some people can still look for a silver lining.

Now I'm just wondering if I should keep the story up on the site or just delete it? I'm not entirely sure, it has been favourited by at least one person afterall. So it kind of seems rude to delete something that at least a small percentage enjoyed.

Youre welcome to fuck yourself if you don't like my opinion.