Female Lit authors: How much unsolicited sexual advances have you dealt with as a result of your writing?

[EmilyMiller]

Oh fuck, one more try.

I like people on both sides of this argument, and lots of the bystanders.

Perhaps everyone could just - you know - kinda chill. Come back to the topic maybe tomorrow, or something.

I started some of this - but @MediocreAuthor and I seem able to disagree on stuff relatively cordially. It was a debate / discussion. No need to become an argument.

No really major differences here.

Em

 

[Kelliezgirl]

Oh fuck, one more try.

I like people on both sides of this argument, and lots of the bystanders.

Perhaps everyone could just - you know - kinda chill. Come back to the topic maybe tomorrow, or something.

I started some of this - but @MediocreAuthor and I seem able to disagree on stuff relatively cordially. It was a debate / discussion. No need to become an argument.

No really major differences here.

Em

I don't really see any point in continuing this topic, however I do find it appropriate to respond when a someone like Bramblethorn makes a big production of "I'm putting you on ignore" and then continues to cast aspersions and lie about me.
Some people are emboldened by the Internet, others apparently remain cowards.

 

[EmilyMiller]

I don't really see any point in continuing this topic, however I do find it appropriate to respond when a someone like Bramblethorn makes a big production of "I'm putting you on ignore" and then continues to cast aspersions and lie about me.
Some people are emboldened by the Internet, others apparently remain cowards.

Both you and @Bramblethorn are nice people. I’m sad you have come to [virtual] blows. I’m probably more aligned to what you think than most on this thread.

Just maybe take a step back and get to know a few people.

That’s not just directed at you, in case it comes across that way.



Em

 

[AwkwardlySet]

I think you should heed Little Nerd's advice and just drop this argument. There is nothing to be gained from all this and it has derailed an important topic, although I believe that wasn't anyone's intention.

In that spirit, I would like to clarify some things I said. I voiced a pretty hard position about brazen sexual advances through PMs or email. I do think those people should be called out as creeps, publicly. But just to be clear, I meant those guys who send you a dick pic out of nowhere and start the communication with: "Wouldn't you love this thing rammed up your asshole?!" and also guys who can't take no for an answer.

On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with people connecting erotically or any other way through this website. If you send a PM or email with "Hi I find you intriguing and I am interested in getting to know you better. I am a guy in his *insert age who is *insert status. If we click, I would be interested in doing some role-play or sexting or whatever. If you are not interested I won't PM you anymore," etc. I see nothing wrong with this kind of communication.

 

[lavendersilk]

"How much unsolicited sexual advances have you dealt with as a result of your writing?"​

None.

I guess that's a good thing? I haven't written since 2009??? And it was just the one story...

...and I am currently writing GayMale... so...

Aso, sorry if this was inappropriate to comment on right now. Trying to add my two cents to the original topic.


Just ignore me...

 

[Kelliezgirl]

I think you should heed Little Nerd's advice and just drop this argument. There is nothing to be gained from all this and it has derailed an important topic, although I believe that wasn't anyone's intention.

In that spirit, I would like to clarify some things I said. I voiced a pretty hard position about brazen sexual advances through PMs or email. I do think those people should be called out as creeps, publicly. But just to be clear, I meant those guys who send you a dick pic out of nowhere and start the communication with: "Wouldn't you love this thing rammed up your asshole?!" and also guys who can't take no for an answer.

On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with people connecting erotically or any other way through this website. If you send a PM or email with "Hi I find you intriguing and I am interested in getting to know you better. I am a guy in his *insert age who is *insert status. If we click, I would be interested in doing some role-play or sexting or whatever. If you are not interested I won't PM you anymore," etc. I see nothing wrong with this kind of communication.

I think we are all in agreement that a dick pic as an opening movie is pretty gross and inappropriate.
And your other example is very...vanilla but of course vanilla is perfectly acceptable.
The problem is how do we judge all those cases in the middle?
Something that might be seen as an aggressive, unwanted advance to one woman will be seen by another as a clever opening line.
Rather than assume the sender is some evil misogynistic monster with no respect for women, perhaps we should be open to other considerations.

 

[EmilyMiller]

I think you should heed Little Nerd's advice and just drop this argument. There is nothing to be gained from all this and it has derailed an important topic, although I believe that wasn't anyone's intention.

In that spirit, I would like to clarify some things I said. I voiced a pretty hard position about brazen sexual advances through PMs or email. I do think those people should be called out as creeps, publicly. But just to be clear, I meant those guys who send you a dick pic out of nowhere and start the communication with: "Wouldn't you love this thing rammed up your asshole?!" and also guys who can't take no for an answer.

On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with people connecting erotically or any other way through this website. If you send a PM or email with "Hi I find you intriguing and I am interested in getting to know you better. I am a guy in his *insert age who is *insert status. If we click, I would be interested in doing some role-play or sexting or whatever. If you are not interested I won't PM you anymore," etc. I see nothing wrong with this kind of communication.

I agree with all that. There’s a polite enquiry (of the sort I used to sometimes respond favorably to in the past when single) and there is assholery. It’s normally easy enough to work out which is which.

Example A:

I read your story. So you like it up the ass. I’ve got twelve inches and it’s thick. I’ll make you scream. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?

Example B:

I enjoyed your story. It matched a lot of my kinks. Do you ever talk to guys about things like that. If so, I’d be interested in having more of a conversation. I’m in my early fifties and divorced and looking to connect with like minded women.

Em

 

[AwkwardlySet]

I think we are all in agreement that a dick pic as an opening movie is pretty gross and inappropriate.
And your other example is very...vanilla but of course vanilla is perfectly acceptable.
The problem is how do we judge all those cases in the middle?
Something that might be seen as an aggressive, unwanted advance to one woman will be seen by another as a clever opening line.
Rather than assume the sender is some evil misogynistic monster with no respect for women, perhaps we should be open to other considerations.

My examples are probably too much on the opposite sides of the spectrum to be helpful. I would say that opening communication by sending a pic of one's genitals or body parts or anything like that is creepy, no matter how polite the text accompanying it is. Also, not taking no for an answer should be considered creepy behavior.
I believe I said this earlier, but I think that a good measure in these things is not doing anything that would be inappropriate behavior when hitting on a woman in a bar or any other real-life social setting. A guy with a cocky behavior should be okay as long as he can take a hint and stop pushing if the other person is clearly saying no.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

"How much unsolicited sexual advances have you dealt with as a result of your writing?"

None.

I guess that's a good thing? I haven't written since 2009??? And it was just the one story...
...and I am currently writing GayMale... so...
Aso, sorry if this was inappropriate to comment on right now. Trying to add my two cents to the original topic.
Just ignore me...

It was completely appropriate to answer the original question, regardless of what tangents the thread has veered off toward.

I'm glad you haven't been bothered with undesired advances.

If you send a PM or email with "Hi I find you intriguing and I am interested in getting to know you better. I am a guy in his *insert age who is *insert status. If we click, I would be interested in doing some role-play or sexting or whatever. If you are not interested I won't PM you anymore," etc. I see nothing wrong with this kind of communication.

I agree, mostly; however, I think that if someone does this without checking the recipients bio, then they are being rude, if nothing else.

I specifically mention in my bio that I'm not interested in sexting with fans of my writing, to which one man took it upon himself to say that it was fine, because he wasn't a fan of my work lol

Also, I personally feel like unless a woman specifically mentions sexting in her bio, it would be polite to avoid that request in the first message you send to her. Of course not every woman agrees with me, but that is my view on the subject.

 

[EmilyMiller]

I think we are all in agreement that a dick pic as an opening movie is pretty gross and inappropriate.
And your other example is very...vanilla but of course vanilla is perfectly acceptable.
The problem is how do we judge all those cases in the middle?
Something that might be seen as an aggressive, unwanted advance to one woman will be seen by another as a clever opening line.
Rather than assume the sender is some evil misogynistic monster with no respect for women, perhaps we should be open to other considerations.

I agree with that too.

In my experience, a few guys came on too strong, backtracked rapidly, and turned out to be pussycats. Didn’t mean I sexted with them all the time (I used to take time to know people a bit), but chatted, sure. The ones that don’t back off get blocked.

Em

 

[EmilyMiller]

My examples are probably too much on the opposite sides of the spectrum to be helpful. I would say that opening communication by sending a pic of one's genitals or body parts or anything like that is creepy, no matter how polite the text accompanying it is. Also, not taking no for an answer should be considered creepy behavior.
I believe I said this earlier, but I think that a good measure in these things is not doing anything that would be inappropriate behavior when hitting on a woman in a bar or any other real-life social setting. A guy with a cocky behavior should be okay as long as he can take a hint and stop pushing if the other person is clearly saying no.

Agree again.

What is wrong with me agreeing with Big Nerd all the time ?

Em

 

[EmilyMiller]

"How much unsolicited sexual advances have you dealt with as a result of your writing?"​

None.

I guess that's a good thing? I haven't written since 2009??? And it was just the one story...

...and I am currently writing GayMale... so...

Aso, sorry if this was inappropriate to comment on right now. Trying to add my two cents to the original topic.


Just ignore me...

I’ll ignore the bit about ignoring you .

Em

 

[Kelliezgirl]

My examples are probably too much on the opposite sides of the spectrum to be helpful. I would say that opening communication by sending a pic of one's genitals or body parts or anything like that is creepy, no matter how polite the text accompanying it is. Also, not taking no for an answer should be considered creepy behavior.
I believe I said this earlier, but I think that a good measure in these things is not doing anything that would be inappropriate behavior when hitting on a woman in a bar or any other real-life social setting. A guy with a cocky behavior should be okay as long as he can take a hint and stop pushing if the other person is clearly saying no.

I think those examples are appropriate. It at least provides a starting point for discussion.

Your point about the same line at a club is well taken.
One of the challenges in any online environment is that the ratios invariably favor women, that allows us to be more selective, but it also means guys need to cut through the noise so to speak.
Those vanilla intros won't do it.
You mention "cocky" the challenge there is one person's cocky is another's confident. And women tend to like/reward confidence.
We make this all rather complicated.

 

[EmilyMiller]

Can I please also state publicly that I really don’t think @Kelliezgirl is a troll. She’s perfectly lovely to talk to. Not everyone who has a strong opinion is a troll, even the girls.

I hope this is not patronizing, but when I was first here (not on AH, the General Board), I found myself a few times with my head in a spin as four or five people hit me with why my version of submission was non-orthodox and hateful. I still have the scars.

That crowd was a lot more aggressive than here, but still. You can sometimes feel like you are being attacked from all corners. My instinct is to fight back. Maybe that’s a bad instinct.

Again, mostly talking about me. Which may not be relevant for others.

Em

 

[EmilyMiller]

Apropos of nothing, just recalled this interaction (not verbatim, I exited the convo and blocked the guy):

Guy: Irish male 48. 10” uncut. Tell me what your cunt looks like

Me: Why don’t you just look in the mirror?

Oh the memories of my time in London

Em

 

[Djmac1031]

I kinda dropped out of this conversation because I think there were several misunderstandings not worth arguing over. And then the name calling / "troll / fake account" accusations.

Why is it EVERY person who comes along with an opinion that questions others opinions is accused of being a troll? Or the alt account of former known trolls?

And why are those who identify as women on the board CONSTANTLY questioned about the truth of their gender identity by men here?

If we're all as supportive of women here as we claim to be, and against "Frat Boy Behavior" when it comes to comments both public and private, then a posters gender identity should be far less important than their actual thoughts and opinions, right?

Some people come here to sext. Flirt. Swap pics. Whatever.

Some don't.

Women shouldn't have to put up with over aggressive men. Absolutely not.

They ALSO shouldn't have to put up with men, or women for that matter, who judge their behavior or how they choose to handle said advancements by men, public or private.

 

[Codoc24]

Only solicitation I've ever gotten was one night I was getting out of my car at a hotel, and a prostitute asked me if I wanted company for the night. I politely declined.

 

[EmilyMiller]

I kinda dropped out of this conversation because I think there were several misunderstandings not worth arguing over. And then the name calling / "troll / fake account" accusations.

Why is it EVERY person who comes along with an opinion that questions others opinions is accused of being a troll? Or the alt account of former known trolls?

And why are those who identify as women on the board CONSTANTLY questioned about the truth of their gender identity by men here?

If we're all as supportive of women here as we claim to be, and against "Frat Boy Behavior" when it comes to comments both public and private, then a posters gender identity should be far less important than their actual thoughts and opinions, right?

Some people come here to sext. Flirt. Swap pics. Whatever.

Some don't.

Women shouldn't have to put up with over aggressive men. Absolutely not.

They ALSO shouldn't have to put up with men, or women for that matter, who judge their behavior or how they choose to handle said advancements by men, public or private.

See - all it needed was a man to explain it to us properly.

Just in case is what’s known as a joke.

<Sallah>@Djmac1031 is my very good friend</Sallah>

Em

 

[lovecraft68]

[No personal attacks or trolling - including creating accounts for this specific purpose. Heated discussions are fine, even welcome. However, personally attacking / kink-shaming a fellow author or reader is not allowed within the Author's Hangout. Threads which devolve into the exchanging of insults will be closed and repeat offenders will be given a timeout, per the AH rules.]

 

[Djmac1031]

Oh, and to add:

I honestly don't pay that much attention to gender here. Although I know at least one person here scoffing at this comment already, because he believes me to be a part of the "Frat Boy" male mentality.

But the truth is, I've had long conversations here, publicly and privately, with several of you without once asking or thinking about gender. Some screen names make it easier than others lol.

Do I occasionally flirt, make innuendos etc in the comments sometimes? Absolutely. I won't deny that. But I only do it with people I know are comfortable with it, and having fun with it. Like I am.

Because that's all it is. Some folks having some consensual flirty fun.

And boy howdy how that pisses off certain people here who claim publicly to "defend women" while at the same time publicly and privately ridiculing them for their behavior and accusing them of being a man in disguise.

If you TRULY supported women, you'd support them regardless of whether you agree with their behavior and opinions or not.

 

[lovecraft68]

[No personal attacks or trolling - including creating accounts for this specific purpose. Heated discussions are fine, even welcome. However, personally attacking / kink-shaming a fellow author or reader is not allowed within the Author's Hangout. Threads which devolve into the exchanging of insults will be closed and repeat offenders will be given a timeout, per the AH rules.]

 

[Djmac1031]

Its about trolling the men. The ones running around in this thread going "Oh, I'd never" and yes, they have.

 

[theWollstonecraftWoman]

It circled the drain for a while

At some point, they always do.

 

[elizaloo]

Far more from the fact that I have my boobs in my pic over my writing.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

By the way, the approaches that have worked with me when opening a conversation:

A voice message established almost immediate trust that someone was who they said they were. Vocaroo is great for little snippets like that

A joke.

A comment on something I mentioned in the forum, which told me they weren't just blind messaging all female sounding usernames.

A comment about one of my stories, even negative comments have opened dialogue I've appreciated.

Asking about the kinks from my profile.

An offer to edit for me.

A general introduction to who they are. (Beyond A/S/L, don't be lazy.)

A question about writing.

A request to read their work.

Asking about something mentioned in my profile.

Asking if I'm open to talking.

Asking if my husband knows I write sex stories/how he feels about it.

What has immediately resulted in being completely ignored or blocked:

A request to detail my rape so they could get off to it.

Any mention of Skype/kik/whatever.

An offer to discuss the rough childhood I alluded to because they endured x and loved it and know I secretly loved it, too. (Or a request for details because they "like that shit" and want to get off to it.)

Straight up telling me they want to shove their cock into any part of me and asserting that I will love it.

Dick pics with zero communication first.

Opening lines of grabbing my hair (or neck) and shoving me down.

Calling me a worthless cheating cunt for being on the message boards talking to people. (I don't stray outside of the AH and writing related boards.)

Defending abusers.

Calling me a whore for writing sex stories as a hobby.

And sometimes the former turned into the latter, unfortunately.

Things that resulted in me responding with the intent to mock:

Assertions that I was X because they were Y. (I guarantee if "Dom" is the Y, they aren't anything close to it. They are fragile.)

Opening with a poorly written rape scene. (He turned out to be really decent with a shitty opening. No regret on engaging him and I hope he took my advice.)

I suppose everyone has their own preferences.

My immediate offs?

Mentioning sex to me in any context unrelated to writing and erotica. I'm an author. I'm already married, so I already have someone to satisfy me sexually. I don't need a man coming in to attempt to improve that. Thanks.

Immediately asking personal questions that aren't listed in my bio. Why does anyone need to know more about me than what I've already shared? I share a fair amount of information with friends I've made, but they because friends first.

Asking for things that I specifically say I won't do in my bio. My bio isn't particularly long. If you supposedly "want to know me better" but you won't read the most basic information and/or you don't pay enough attention, you can piss right off.

Asking me for more photos than I already have posted. I have several photos available across the 3 platforms I have connected to my erotica writing. I have shared a dozen or so more with friends I've made. No random person is seeing any of that without taking the time to establish a very close connection.

Dick pics. No woman should even have to say this, but unsolicited nude pictures of any kind will get you ignored, bitched at, or reported, depending on the severity.

---

Obviously every person is going to have their own comfort level with this stuff, but this is mine, and I'm sure a fair number of other female authors probably feel roughly similar. Although I won't pretend to speak for anyone else.