Female Lit authors: How much unsolicited sexual advances have you dealt with as a result of your writing?

[MediocreAuthor]

I would say that when a woman shows an overtly sexual side online, many guys believe she's easier or promiscuous, and therefore the chances of getting a yes to their crazy demands will increase.

That's a real shame, but you're not incorrect. Thank goodness I don't write about serial killers, huh? The police might show up at my house to pin the most recent murder on me. After all, (obvious sarcasm) if I write about sex murder, and I find sex murder intriguing, then surely I must be a whore murderer!

Wait! @Erozetta, to the cops pester you about murders in your town?

This has been my experience. I still talk about my sexual experiences here and my writing is influenced by these. I also have myself as FMC in many of my stories.

Honestly, your choice to use the name "Emily" for your FMC probably adds to the number of smooth brains who think:
"Durrr... This story say that Emily loves cock up her ass, and you're Emily, so you must want my cock up your ass!"

That doesn't excuse awful behavior, mind you, and of course you have the right to write whatever you want... but I imagine that a fair number idiots have failed to understand that:
Emily the Character ≠ Emily the Author.

Besides, if I'm not wrong the OP directed the question at Female Authors

I'm actually fine with anyone responding. Men get hit on too sometimes, and I was curious about both. Although, primarily I was curious about female perspectives, I'm glad to hear from whomever

But thank you

 

[EmilyMiller]

Emily the Character ≠ Emily the Author.

Emily the author is a lot more boring, even in my earlier and crazier times. Stories inevitably gravitate to the extreme, and then the author adds a further layer of extreme that never happened IRL, and then she combines things that happened over six months into one night.

Otherwise it would be a series of journal entries and most pages would be achingly boring.

Em

 

[Djmac1031]

Emily the author is a lot more boring, even in my earlier and crazier times. Stories inevitably gravitate to the extreme, and then the author adds a further layer of extreme that never happened IRL, and then she combines things that happened over six months into one night.

Otherwise it would be a series of journal entries and most pages would be achingly boring.

Em

If you think people would find your IRL sex stories boring, just wait til they read mine lol.

 

[EmilyMiller]

That's a real shame, but you're not incorrect. Thank goodness I don't write about serial killers, huh? The police might show up at my house to pin the most recent murder on me. After all, if I write about sex murder, and I find sex murder intriguing, then surely I must be a whore murderer!

@MediocreAuthor and I will now provide a worked example of discussing something without calling each other names (fingers crossed):

See, I don’t get the murder comparison. Most people aren’t murderers. So assuming that Agatha Christie was a closet serial killer is a bit mad. But - to pick a hopefully neutral example - if a woman writes a lot about lesbian sex, then it’s probably safe to assume that she is at least interested in the concept. She may not have had lesbian sex, she may be in a hetero relationship and not looking to have lesbian sex, but she is probably at least interested. I don’t think that works for crime writers.

Em

 

[Djmac1031]

Thank goodness I don't write about serial killers, huh? The police might show up at my house to pin the most recent murder on me. After all, if I write about sex murder, and I find sex murder intriguing, then surely I must be a whore murderer!

My first and only LW tale was a 750 word story about a plumber who gets shot by a jealous husband after being seduced by the wife.

The amount of comments accusing me of condoning murder was INSANE.

Nowhere in the story did I even hint at saying the husband's reaction was acceptable.

And yet I was accused of writing "murder porn."

I've never seen 750 words create that much controversy.

 

[SimonDoom]

@MediocreAuthor and I will now provide a worked example of discussing something without calling each other names (fingers crossed):

See, I don’t get the murder comparison. Most people aren’t murderers. So assuming that Agatha Christie was a closet serial killer is a bit mad. But - to pick a hopefully neutral example - if a woman writes a lot about lesbian sex, then it’s probably safe to assume that she is at least interested in the concept. She may not have had lesbian sex, she may be in a hetero relationship and not looking to have lesbian sex, but she is probably at least interested. I don’t think that works for crime writers.

Em

I don't think you can assume this. Almost half my stories are incest stories. I have NO interest in engaging in incest. I have no such thoughts about my family members, and I never have. But I think they are fun stories to read and to write. I like the naughty taboo quality of these stories. The forbidden fruit. I think it is perfectly possible to want to read and write stories that take us into a fantasy space that's fun to be in for a while but that doesn't necessarily represent something we want in real life. I can't speak for everyone, but this is how it is for me.

 

[EmilyMiller]

I don't think you can assume this. Almost half my stories are incest stories. I have NO interest in engaging in incest. I have no such thoughts about my family members, and I never have. But I think they are fun stories to read and to write. I like the naughty taboo quality of these stories. The forbidden fruit. I think it is perfectly possible to want to read and write stories that take us into a fantasy space that's fun to be in for a while but that doesn't necessarily represent something we want in real life. I can't speak for everyone, but this is how it is for me.

But. You think they are fun to write. Writing them provides your brain with some chemicals it likes.

Incest is maybe an edge case. If a female author has written twenty lesbian stories (and isn’t getting paid to do it) she is interested in the concept of lesbian sex. Whether or not she wants to do that IRL.

Em

 

[Djmac1031]

But. You think they are fun to write. Writing them provides your brain with some chemicals it likes.

Incest is maybe an edge case. If a female author has written twenty lesbian stories (and isn’t getting paid to do it) she is interested in the concept of lesbian sex. Whether or not she wants to do that IRL.

Em

Em, you know I love ya.

But I'm going to respectfully disagree.

What's true for one person certainly doesn't make it true for all.

And I believe it's a mistake to assume author intent or assume their support or desire or anything else about a particular subject merely because they wrote a story about it.

I think that's a very slippery slope.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

This thread is proof that we need derailment police. Then again, most of these deviants like cuffs...

 

[EmilyMiller]

Em, you know I love ya.

But I'm going to respectfully disagree.

What's true for one person certainly doesn't make it true for all.

And I believe it's a mistake to assume author intent or assume their support or desire or anything else about a particular subject merely because they wrote a story about it.

I think that's a very slippery slope.

Not saying desire. Saying interest.

Why write something you have no interest in?

Maybe someone is interested in incest as the basis of a story. That doesn’t mean that they want to have an incestuous relationship, but it seems unlikely they would write it if it wasn’t fun and stimulating to them as a scenario.

Em

 

[SimonDoom]

But. You think they are fun to write. Writing them provides your brain with some chemicals it likes.

Incest is maybe an edge case. If a female author has written twenty lesbian stories (and isn’t getting paid to do it) she is interested in the concept of lesbian sex. Whether or not she wants to do that IRL.

Em

This is tautologically true, but there's no deeper sense in which it is necessarily true. You and I disagree on this point in particular when it comes to nonconsent, but the concept is much broader than any one category of erotica. I'm a big believer in the concept of fantasy compartmentalization. I can go into a fantasy space and let myself enjoy a fantasy, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with anything that I really want in real life. There's no empirical test one can apply to me to demonstrate that I'm fooling myself: you can't tell me, "Ah Simon, you really DO want to get it on with your mother, you just won't admit it." Or whatever. I think this is true of fiction and art generally. I can write stories about pirates because I think it's fun escapism, but it doesn't mean that in any significant way I want, deep down, to be a pirate.

I DO think that, deep down, many of us find the idea of being "naughty" appealing. We want to break the rules. We want to be bad. Not enough to be that way in real life, but enough to want to enjoy the fantasy of it. I know this is a fun motivating element of my enjoyment of erotica. I like the transgressive element of erotica. But you'd never know or guess any of that if you knew me in real life.

 

[SimonDoom]

This thread is proof that we need derailment police. Then again, most of these deviants like cuffs...

Derailment is half the fun.

 

[StillStunned]

I would say that when a woman shows an overtly sexual side online, many guys believe she's easier or promiscuous, and therefore the chances of getting a yes to their crazy demands will increase. The behavior of some men on websites like Fetlife is worthy of a doctoral thesis in psychopathy.

Based on my vast experience of human nature,* I think the human brain, when horny, automatically assumes that everyone else is equally horny. Once you take this into account, it explains a lot of how men behave. It doesn't excuse it, of course.

* Bearing in mind I'm unsociable and have mostly locked myself in my house for the past two decades.

 

[MillieDynamite]

I like them on other folks!

This thread is proof that we need derailment police. Then again, most of these deviants like cuffs...

 

[AwkwardlySet]

I like them on other folks!

You like to cuff?

 

[MediocreAuthor]

See, I don’t get the murder comparison.

I don't think you can assume this.

Okay, first off, you guys did get my sarcasm with the "murder writer = murderer" joke, yeah?

Secondly, as a joke I think murder is a perfectly acceptable comparison.

I write about rape (depending on your definitions) and I think the idea of ravishment is exciting. Even if it happened to me. Conceptually, I find the idea of being used sexually, without my consent thrilling.

Now let's get something straight. I would never, never, never, EVER want that to happen to me or anyone else in real life.

Because real life sexual assault is nothing like what I present in my stories. In my wildly absurd tales, both parties end up satisfied (and quite often in love) afterwards.

This is so ridiculously unrealistic, that I'm able to separate it in my mind from real, horrifying, terrible rape.

The same is applicable to murder or anything else I write. (Stavos murders a helpless man in the name of vengeance, which is generally something I oppose. [Em, you're still supposed to read that story ])

 

[EmilyMiller]

This is tautologically true, but there's no deeper sense in which it is necessarily true. You and I disagree on this point in particular when it comes to nonconsent, but the concept is much broader than any one category of erotica. I'm a big believer in the concept of fantasy compartmentalization. I can go into a fantasy space and let myself enjoy a fantasy, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with anything that I really want in real life. There's no empirical test one can apply to me to demonstrate that I'm fooling myself: you can't tell me, "Ah Simon, you really DO want to get it on with your mother, you just won't admit it." Or whatever. I think this is true of fiction and art generally. I can write stories about pirates because I think it's fun escapism, but it doesn't mean that in any significant way I want, deep down, to be a pirate.

I’m making the narrower point that you wouldn’t write about pirates (for free), especially repeatedly, if you didn’t think it a fun thing to do. Which implies you are interested in pirates, not necessarily becoming a pirate, but the concept of pirates. Thats uncontroversial surely.

I DO think that, deep down, many of us find the idea of being "naughty" appealing. We want to break the rules. We want to be bad. Not enough to be that way in real life, but enough to want to enjoy the fantasy of it. I know this is a fun motivating element of my enjoyment of erotica. I like the transgressive element of erotica. But you'd never know or guess any of that if you knew me in real life.

I think one of our differences here is that a lot of what I write about I have done IRL. It’s more visceral for me.

Even the more out there stuff has some connection to real life (I’ve never been fucked by a tentacle monster, I have tried depth training). I guess - like most people - I project onto others.

Em

 

[EmilyMiller]

[Em, you're still supposed to read that story ])

I know. I’m a horrible person .

Em

 

[Djmac1031]

Public apology / clarification time.

I initially disagreed with Emily's take because of this particular comment:

She may not have had lesbian sex, she may be in a hetero relationship and not looking to have lesbian sex, but she is probably at least interested.

The way I read that, it sounded like @EmilyMiller was implying the woman author MUST be at least interested in having lesbian sex simply because she writes about it.

Emily later clarified her statement here:

If a female author has written twenty lesbian stories (and isn’t getting paid to do it) she is interested in the concept of lesbian sex. Whether or not she wants to do that IRL.

In other words, the author in question is interested in the TOPIC, if not necessarily interested in actually experiencing lesbian sex IRL.

And despite that being the comment I replied to, I initially still misinterpreted.

Perhaps I need to work on my reading comprehension skills. Or at least not debate while at work and not entirely focused.

Anyway; I think I understand your position better now, Em.

And I think we're all pretty well in agreement that what an author WRITES is not automatically indicative of anything when it comes to their reality, and none of us should be assuming anything.

Especially (bringing it back around on topic) the assumption that just because a woman writes about sex, she's automatically receptive to sexual advances.

Which also applies to men, or any gender identity to be fair.

 

[SimonDoom]

I’m making the narrower point that you wouldn’t write about pirates (for free), especially repeatedly, if you didn’t think it a fun thing to do. Which implies you are interested in pirates, not necessarily becoming a pirate, but the concept of pirates. Thats uncontroversial surely.


Em

But I DON'T agree with you about that. I think the idea of being a pirate is dreadful. It doesn't sound fun, and in my real life I'm a play by the rules kind of person. There is no meaningful sense whatsoever in which, deep down, Simon really wants to be a pirate, or thinks being a pirate would be fun. But, still, I can enjoy reading or writing a pirate story. I think these are two completely separate realms -- fantasy and reality. To say that my writing about pirates proves I'm interested in pirates is just a tautology, but no more.

I agree a difference is that almost all of my fiction concerns things I've never done and have no personal experience with. Much of it concerns stuff I have no desire to do in real life. So to the extent you, in contrast, write about things you've actually done, you may be projecting your fantasy-real life experience onto others who have no such connection and no such experience.

 

[EmilyMiller]

Public apology / clarification time.

I initially disagreed with Emily's take because of this particular comment:



The way I read that, it sounded like @EmilyMiller was implying the woman author MUST be at least interested in having lesbian sex simply because she writes about it.

Emily later clarified her statement here:



In other words, the author in question is interested in the TOPIC, if not necessarily interested in actually experiencing lesbian sex IRL.

And despite that being the comment I replied to, I initially still misinterpreted.

Perhaps I need to work on my reading comprehension skills. Or at least not debate while at work and not entirely focused.

Anyway; I think I understand your position better now, Em.

And I think we're all pretty well in agreement that what an author WRITES is not automatically indicative of anything when it comes to their reality, and none of us should be assuming anything.

Especially (bringing it back around on topic) the assumption that just because a woman writes about sex, she's automatically receptive to sexual advances.

Which also applies to men, or any gender identity to be fair.

See, hun. I’m always right. Best to just accept it .

Em

 

[StillStunned]

I like to make the distinction between fantasy and imagination. I can imagine a scenario that would make a great story, but it doesn't necessarily need to be a fantasy. If I think I can turn an idea into something that I'd enjoy writing and others might enjoy reading, I'll write it.

And if that idea triggers further ideas along the same lines, it's probably because I've been thinking about it and more and more possibilities are opening up in my mind. Again, not necessarily fantasies (except for "I have this fantasy that I'm a great writer and everyone loves my work").

 

[EmilyMiller]

But, still, I can enjoy reading or writing a pirate story.

…the enjoyment means you are interested in the concept - not that you want to be a pirate. You’d be an awful pirate. Now think I could carry it off.

Arrr… shiver me timbers.

See!

Em

 

[EmilyMiller]

But I DON'T agree with you about that. I think the idea of being a pirate is dreadful. It doesn't sound fun, and in my real life I'm a play by the rules kind of person. There is no meaningful sense whatsoever in which, deep down, Simon really wants to be a pirate, or thinks being a pirate would be fun. But, still, I can enjoy reading or writing a pirate story. I think these are two completely separate realms -- fantasy and reality. To say that my writing about pirates proves I'm interested in pirates is just a tautology, but no more.

I agree a difference is that almost all of my fiction concerns things I've never done and have no personal experience with. Much of it concerns stuff I have no desire to do in real life. So to the extent you, in contrast, write about things you've actually done, you may be projecting your fantasy-real life experience onto others who have no such connection and no such experience.

Just sayin’

Em

 

[Djmac1031]

See, hun. I’m always right. Best to just accept it .

Em

Funny. My girlfriend says the same thing to me. Like, all the time.