First date -- who pays?

[Dar~]

My thing is that if someone were to ask me on a date (were I not married and assuming I still have my kids) I am a single mother on a Hastings income. Sure I'd love to date but who has money.

 

[Recidiva]

None of that goes away... you just don't deal with the extra BS of a 'first date'.

I mean why would you fuck or go out with someone, who you aren't friends with first?

Going out with a friend is far more relaxing than putting all that pressure of a 'date' on each other.

Let's go hang out, put a little dancing on our shoes... and see what happens and if nothing does, hey I had a fun night with a friend.

At worse, that first date is the night she plans for the first time

Sounds like your way works for you, so that's good. I think you're in the majority, I'm just lending a minority viewpoint.

Your way would make me disappointed that things are rushed. I like the pressure. I also think that people, unlike books, can't be read that easily and it takes some time to get past a person's "first impression" face to the person they really are more like day to day. Sometimes it's a bad surprise, sometimes it's a good surprise.

But again, for me, love isn't just sex, so I am after something else. To be fair, I've built great relationships and then found it impossible to live with the person I was in love with, but there you go. Chutes and ladders everywhere. My way definitely has drawbacks, but I would never consider these great people "wastes of time," because I loved at least some parts of those people completely, even if they didn't get along with my daughter, or were egotistical, bigoted or irresponsible when I tried to fit them into my life. They still will always fit in my heart, if not my home. Now they're a part of me and I have a right to remember them as loving.

I'm just a romantic person, so I like the time it takes to build connections.

I really don't like the people that just see other people as just bodies. I think they're short sighted. I also don't want to sleep with them and become a statistic. At least give me some of your soul first so we're even. At least my way I've never felt cheapened by sex, only enriched.

I'm reluctant with my body, other people are reluctant with mind and soul, which for me are right up front. If I'm going out to dinner with someone, being fed isn't only with the food, and I'm really not after the guy's bank balance. It takes a while to prove that to a guy, too, that I really don't care how much money they make or what their clothes cost or how important they are. That's what most of them set out to prove, and that's not what I want. I can make my own money, clothes don't mean a damned thing to me except you're probably overpaying for them and most of that cash could go to a better purpose, and how important they are to other people is immaterlal compared to whether or not they can be important to me.

Do they think new thoughts my brain hasn't? Do they feel new things I can't feel myself? That's the start of a good relationship.

If I just want friction, masturbation's easier. I mean, at least my fantasies talk to me. I'm better company for myself.

Anyway, I end up with guys who have to do some work generally to get to me, because I'm not looking for love. Love hurts, I don't seek it. I have to spend a lot of time chipping away at their social masks one by one to get to the real person, or aspects of this real person, and it takes courage to allow yourself to be unmasked. I like courage.

I'm lucky in that my husband found me. He always has good stories, likes to make me laugh, and when asked by a co-worker "Hey, man, what do you like, big boobs or nice legs, are you an ass man or what? The other guys and I have picked our body parts, what do you like?" My husband looked at him and said "I like women with big brains" and didn't answer otherwise.

Not that he doesn't like body parts, that's covered. But he and I fit each other because we share some of the same priorities.

To each his own. I might make certain men absolutely crazed because I seem to be dense or retarded on the subject. I'm not, I'm just patient with carefully finding real people and completely impatient with the bullshit people can spew.

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

Well, considering when I go places with just regular friends (either sex) I usually try paying for everyone and buy extra stuff if they hint at it and the fact that when I get into debates about payment with just friends, I usually try to cover it until the moment they shove money into my hands or I genuinely start to piss them off...

I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

If I wind up with a really independent feminist, I don't have a problem if she wants to pay for her half but I do not expect it.

I'm a feminist, which in my case means that I'll bring enough money to go Dutch just in case the guy won't pay for me.

Just in case.

I still won't object to him paying, though.

 

[Alex756]

I think the guy should pay.

If a guy doesn't I am not like going to make a scene and will split happily, but I also think its polite to hold doors open.

Women get the short end of the stick soo often. being paid less for equal work and having to deal with sexism for example that really, shouldn't we get a few free meals out of it?

Also, in my dating experience, I've noticed a level of charm amounst the men who do reach for the bill. If I know the man in question is cash strapped I will try to chip in, but I appreciate at least the gesture.

One thing to point out, I don't drink though so I am not jacking up that bill with a bar tab. If there was a bar tab invovled I think I would feel differant. I also do not order the most expensive thing on the menu.

Then again I think its polite for a boss to occasionally buy lunch for the people that work for him. Not because he makes more money, but its just a nice thing to do. Like a vendor taking a client to lunch.

I like dinner as a first date. Its relaxed and you can tell a lot about a man by how he treats the waiter or waitress.

Then again I've been brought up in places where you address people as sir or mam, and there is someone at the grocery store to bag your groceries.

If a man is investing the time into a date, and the energy and emotion, what's a few more bucks? I can almost guarentee you going on a date is more expensive for a girl so the man picking up the tab offsets it a bit.

-Alex

 

[Liar]

The whole dating decorum is designed for maximum of confusion. Picking up the tab is no exception.

 

[msmiz]

Personally I would prefer to split the tab, but the guy paying is always nice.

 

[NoJo]

I think by far the most romantic thing to do when the check comes is to exchange quick glances, and then both bolt down the street.

 

[Recidiva]

I think by far the most romantic thing to do when the check comes is to exchange quick glances, and then both bolt down the street.

Now I wanna go out with you.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I think by far the most romantic thing to do when the check comes is to exchange quick glances, and then both bolt down the street.

Hence the expression "run-away-from-the-cops shoes" for sneakers...

(I have a weird uncle.)

 

[Couture]

If he wants another date, he should pay. He should at least try his best to pay. Otherwise, she will think he's a miser. She may not say it, but she will always think it. First impressions matter.

If he doesn't want another date, he could try to split it. After all, he didn't get to pick the restaurant. However, he did ask, so he shouldn't feel too badly if he has to pay the tab. C'est la vie.

 

[yui]

Actually, no it's not.

In the unlikely event of a Yui or Sincerely_helene evening, I know how to behave.


In the more likely event of something other woman evening (one who reads or writes stuff on literotica), I have some data on how to behave.

Sincerely,
ElSol

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I writes stuff on Literotica (granted, not in a long, long time). Does this mean I'm getting screwed but not getting kissed and we're freaking splitting the tab?

A couple hundred thousand more than you?

Yep. Heapin' Lot of Money. He thought in terms of millions and I'm thinking how I only have 19 more payments and my Honda will be paid for.

Well, that'll most likely never be me... And if it were, then I'd insist on paying for everything, all the time. Money wouldn't have the kind of value it does now, and even now, I don't expect anything for paying for the evening.

I think very much the same way; unless someone expected it, and then I might get pissy.

But in truth, I've never dated outside of comparable financial situations.

I have and I don't have a problem paying if I'm in a better/comparable financial position. If I've got it, I will give until it hurts.

To note: One of the most happily married couples I know are my aunt and uncle. He's about 15 years older than her, and she paid for the first date. They've been together since the 80s. For every rule we add, there're a hundred more exceptions. The rules are getting pointless, don'tcha think?

Sweet story and, yeah, I agree.

p.s. Don't wear panties? You missed what I said about not getting laid often...

But you said previously that women you date don't wear panties. Or, perhaps I misread something. That's possible. Very sorry!

p.s.s. If any of these rich guys have well-to-do sisters or trust-fund daughters of legal age, I'll PM you my e-mail to pass along. Deal?

Yeah, deal. "Brandon Lee-type in the great white north seeks heiress with heart and … of gold."

 

[elsol]

: I writes stuff on Literotica (granted, not in a long, long time). Does this mean I'm getting screwed but not getting kissed and we're freaking splitting the tab?

Darling, I'd offer to buy the panties you'd wear that night... if 'that night' were to ever come.

Sincerely,
Elsol

 

[sophia jane]

Darling, I'd offer to buy the panties you'd wear that night... if 'that night' were to ever come.

Sincerely,
Elsol

But would you buy dinner, too? Do gay couples have these issues about who pays???

 

[elsol]

But would you buy dinner, too?

Did I mention the panties would be edible?

Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[LadyJeanne]

Interesting question.

I've found that guys who have a romantic or sexual interest in me always pay on the first date. Unless they have somewhere they'd really like to take me, they always ask where I'd like to go. And they pay no matter where I choose.

Guys who want to split the bill usually are guys who just want to be friends or aren't at all interested.

Guys who invite me out and expect me to pay are ... nonexistant? None expect me to pay on a first date unless I've asked them out and specifically said I'm taking them out. If he did expect it, I'd think he was in the "just friends" or "not interested" categories.


So, I'd ask your friend what impression he'd like to give this lady, and then pick one of the above.

Edit to add: The Earl has the picking up the bill conversation down perfectly.

 

[Quiet_Cool]

I think very much the same way; unless someone expected it, and then I might get pissy.

Exactly. If you pay, or I pay, the sentiment should be appreciated, not taken as a given.

But you said previously that women you date don't wear panties. Or, perhaps I misread something. That's possible. Very sorry!

Probably said that. Most likely was kidding. I'm not serious very often here. I don't really see the point in taking too much of life seriously... *says the often depressed, over-drinker, nihilistic Care Bear*

Q_C

 

[kbate]

I do not make an issue of this (nor have I ever). I usually paid my own way when I was still dating but I did not fight if my date desired to pay. It does amuse me to watch the fumblings of those who do consider it an issue.

 

[Just-Legal]

I found myself, not for the first time, in a minority of one when it came to a question of dating etiquette:

A thirty-year old singer, a colleague of mine, has been out of circulation for a few years; but he's met a woman and they're going on a dinner date, his first date for a long time. She's a restaurant manager. She agreed to the dinner date, but insisted that she choose the place, being the professional when it comes to eating out.

Now, the guy asked a bunch of us whether he should pay for the meal. I was the odd one out in my opinion.

Maybe it's because I was a good fifteen years older than the other people around, and have done most of my dating in the feminist '70's when it was considered patronizing to pay for women on dates (y'know, the "money-for-sex" thing), that I was alone in thinking that they should split the bill. All the others (both male/female) emphatically disagreed, telling the guy that he should definitely pay, even if she chose an expensive place).

When I got home, I asked my (late '40s model) wife the same question, even she agreed with everyone else, which is a bit worrying, becuase I remember on my first date with her, she'd bought two tickets for a show, and I paid her for my ticket. Which I think is a good way to start a relationship.

Joe, you're married? I'm heartbroken!

In answer to the question - it depends what time of the month it is, money wise. If its a week after my payday or beyond, he's paying, because I'm a poor student!

 

[shereads]

Eventually, they both do.

 

[Guest]

Eventually, they both do.

Cynic.

 

[shereads]

Cynic.

Third ex-wife.

 

[fifty5]

I found myself, not for the first time, in a minority of one when it came to a question of dating etiquette:

A thirty-year old singer, a colleague of mine, has been out of circulation for a few years; but he's met a woman and they're going on a dinner date, his first date for a long time. She's a restaurant manager. She agreed to the dinner date, but insisted that she choose the place, being the professional when it comes to eating out.

For me, it would all depend on exactly how she, "insisted that she choose the place" (and "insisted" may or may not give a clue...)

If it came across as helpful information from someone who was a pro with inside info, then 'the asker pays' seems fine.

If it was arrogant - "I know this. You don't, you fucking amateur!" - then I not only wouldn't pay, I wouldn't go. Stand up the snotty bitch, leaving her to pay for herself!

In sex, as in all of life, for me it usually isn't 'what' but 'how' that's the important question.