Flaccid self-esteem? What can I do?

[Musing]

Never thought I'd be here unburdening my soul but here goes.

I have recently met and fallen for a new bf (who I'll call L), we're both in our mid 20s and very much in love already. We have had sex maybe half a dozen times and it has been fantastic, absolutely incredible. He is a wonderful, generous lover and I adore sex with him. So what exactly do I have to worry about?

Well last night things had been getting rather intense and I had the most soul-blistering multiple orgasm. I felt so close to him and was breathlessly thanking him when he said "I can't do this." and stopped everything.

I fell to Earth with quite a bump and hugged him, asked him please to talk to me. He then actually started crying and announced that he is "fat and useless." Now I love his body, he's a sexy, powerfully built man of over 6' tall. He has a belly and a backside and could maybe lose a few pounds if he chose to but I've never thought of him as fat. I was tempted to just say "Don't be so stupid." but he was so genuinely upset. I held him but he turned away so I waited a while before trying to talk to him again. I said that I found him very attractive, wouldn't be with him if I didn't and that I didn't want to go to sleep and leave things like this. I again asked him simply to talk to me, to help me understand.

L replied "I can't maintain an erection." I thought he meant this as a one-off. All the things you should just NEVER say to a man in this situation ran through my head and I eventually went with the suggestion that he must be tired and if anything OVER sexed as we had made love 2 or 3 times a day since he arrived from his home town (it is something of an LDR, although the distance isn't too great) 2 days previously.

L then told me that he has had trouble maintaining an erection every time we've had sex. I must admit I was very taken aback because I wasn't aware at all. His cock seemed perfectly hard to me and he came each time, either into a condom or elsewhere. I asked if it was due to the condoms reducing sensation (not that I'd cast them aside) but he said no. L told me he had the same trouble at the beginning of his last relationship but that after a few months it ceased to be a issue. At about this point he stopped wanting to discuss it and I let it go, not wanting to pressure him.

His comments about being fat and useless have really worried me. I have health issues and a restricted diet so I'm very slim and quite attractive (not wishing to blow my own trumpet too loudly). He has commented on how lucky he is to be with me, that I should be out of his league and so on and I just thought they were the usual compliments a man showers a new gf with. I'm starting now to wonder though whether his perception of me as some "gorgeous" woman who could go with a "better" looking guy if she chose to is actually damaging our relationship.

The idea that he has been fighting with this in order to provide me with mindblowing sex just breaks my heart and I feel incredibly selfish, even though I didn't know how he felt.

I don't know where to begin to deal with this and I'm terrified I'll say something or do something that makes him feel worse instead of better. Any advice that people could give me would be so greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long-winded post.

Thankyou All

 

[M's girl]

Sounds to me like all (...) this is is self esteem problems on his side. Plus insecurities maybe because he is afraid he will lose you again. Happens to more guys than you (and he!) know.

I think you have to find a mix between assuring him and leaving it be. He said so himself that this has happened in the past with new relationships. It's just jitters that you will back off and leave him. Only time will assure him that you want to stay with him and my guess is that his 'problems' will disappear, just like they did in his former relationships.

The low self esteem is a hard one to deal with. I know. I have low self esteem sometimes when it comes to my body. There is no one in this world who can convince me I am attractive at times I don't think that myself. Rationally I know it's silly. M loves me and loves my (not so perfect) body and I know that the fact that I can turn him on each and every time says something too.... but there are some days my doubt is bigger than that and my ratio-brain seems to be on holiday.

Just take it easy with him. Leave it alone if he asks you to, and try other ways (outside the bedroom) to show him how much you appreciate him and how much you like to be with him. That's all I can think of...

 

[Musing]

Thankyou M's Girl.

I know there's no simple way to help him with this and that the only way I can prove my commitment to him is to be there and be reassuring.

We are an affectionate, tactile couple and I have done my very best to make him feel loved and comfortable in my home. We've been floating around like honeymooners since he got here (or so I thought).

Another puzzling thing is that it has mostly been him that instigated the sex we had. I wish I knew whether he still enjoyed it at all, if he was trying to combat his problem head on or (and I do hope not) that he thought I expected it and would be disappointed or leave him if he didn't. The idea that he might not have really enjoyed any of our lovemaking has really hurt me and part of me feels deceived. I know that's unfair on him but all of this has just knocked the wind out of me.

 

[M's girl]

Another puzzling thing is that it has mostly been him that instigated the sex we had. I wish I knew whether he still enjoyed it at all, if he was trying to combat his problem head on or (and I do hope not) that he thought I expected it and would be disappointed or leave him if he didn't. The idea that he might not have really enjoyed any of our lovemaking has really hurt me and part of me feels deceived. I know that's unfair on him but all of this has just knocked the wind out of me.

No one but him can tell you how he felt. My bet is that he just loves to make love to you but is afraid at the same time. If this has happened before (as he said it did) he also has something to prove to himself plus he knows (or assumes at least) that this is just something he has to go through at one time or another. What I mean is that if he had waited to have sex with you it would have been the same for him issue-wise.

Judging from your behaviour together otherwise (outside the bedroom) I would say he might have felt uneasy (for obvious reasons) but was not at all unwilling... I assume he enjoyed it too as much as he could. It's just something you two need to go through and after a while things will be more relaxed for him and it will sort itself out.

I had one partner who sort of had self esteem issues (and I thought that was totally weird, but there you go). After our first few times we had sex, all of a sudden he could not get it up a few times. I too panicked because of course I thought it was me! I asked him carefully and he assured me that it had nothing to do with me. It was difficult (because of my own self esteem issues) but I left it alone. We just cuddled and stayed intimate and after a while we were back on track with our sexlife. No problems since that.

 

[tanyachrs]

It's certainly a difficult subject. More men have some kind of sexual issue than you would imagine but the myth of guys being always-on sex machines is hard to break through. I wonder if his doctor would let him try some Viagra - more as a confidence boost while he's getting comfortable with you than anything.

 

[M's girl]

Viagra? I don't know. Sounds to me like it would be a bit too soon for that. I think things like Viagra are something to consider if and when everything else fails. It could work the wrong way too, making him belief that he can't do it without Viagra anymore after that.

I would be very careful with medicine at this stage!

 

[Tele2047]

In all honesty he's probably still nervous when you two have sex. It's happened to me in every relationship, during the first couple of months sometimes it can be hard to keep an erection but after that I have no problem.

As for the self esteem issues, I don't have any suggestions about that.

 

[Malaria]

I've not been in your situation but I hope that you will not discount my advice. I can't comment on the erection size but for his self esteem maybe you could try (if you aren't already) paying him lots of attention and being very affectionate out of the sex environment so that he feels attractive and loved.

 

[SesameStreet]

I'm still trying to understand how the two of you had mind blowing sex if he could not maintain an erection.

 

[Eilan]

I think I'd recommend that your BF get counseling before he tries an ED drug. His issues go beyond Viagra.

 

[tanyachrs]

Maybe. I'm not a guy but I understand that erectile difficulties can be traumatic, leading to a horrible cycle of self-doubt causing more erectile difficulties further eroding confidence. While counseling and hugging and soul-searching and exercising might solve the problem, it's also possilbe that a few weeks of guaranteed erections would make a nice shortcut.

Kind of like how they used to treat phobias with psychoanlsysis and now they just force the phobic person into exposure. Maybe there was an underlying cause and maybe there wasn't, but it appears that treating the symptom cures the disease. And now they've got the idea that a phobia is triggered by a single event and then ongoing reactions to that event. In other words, all they had to fear was fear itself.

It's possible that he has self-confidence issues because of his erectile difficulties, not the other way around.

 

[KINDGIRL]

WOW that is very sad.
I have a friend (guy) who has self-esteem issues as well. He was cheated on by his wife (now ex) and made a fool of - basically. He loved her and he allowed that love and her cheating to crush his soul. I say "allowed" because being rejected, even in the most horrible way, should not dictate your esteem or your life from that day forward. It really does dictate his... he refers to himself as "broken" and feels he can never love again.
I think it is often times more difficult for a man because in our society they feel pressure to be strong and virile and basically a 'stud' ready at all times. So much is written and discussed about a woman's self-esteem, body issues, sexual issues; yet not nearly as much about a man's. Being human, the sexes have more in common that we sometimes realize.

Speaking from my experience with my friend, I can tell him and tell him how attractive, and good he is... but untill and unless he is ready to hear it - he won't, and can't.

Advice? Take it VERY slow in approaching the issue. I wouldn't mention therapy right off the bat. Just be there for when he needs to talk and compliment him no matter what his response. He will feel comfortable with you, most likely, and he will divulge in his own time. That's what I think anyway...

 

[Musing]

I'm still trying to understand how the two of you had mind blowing sex if he could not maintain an erection.

Believe me, so am I.

L is very much in favour of a slow work up to things. We have a lot of kissing and touching whispering sweet nothings and he also enjoys going down on me. I often go down on him and he appears to have no problem getting a hard on initially. It only seems to be when things move along to penetrative sex that he finds it difficult to maintain the erection. L has commented on how tight I am a few times (I'm very petite and he has a rather large penis) but prefers not to use lubricant as that would reduce sensation further (we also use condoms as we are still quite a new couple).

It's not as straightforward as his cock simply deflating. He still has a hard cock and is capable of intercourse but he says it isn't properly hard and he also says that even when he cums it's still not properly erect. I wasn't aware of this till the other night, we would make love for quite a while and he is very talented at angling his thrusts and touching my clit. I cum very easily, have multiples most of the time and I have had some fantastic sex with my guy.

Of course, being a girl, my understanding of this will always be limited

 

[Musing]

It's certainly a difficult subject. More men have some kind of sexual issue than you would imagine but the myth of guys being always-on sex machines is hard to break through. I wonder if his doctor would let him try some Viagra - more as a confidence boost while he's getting comfortable with you than anything.

I don't think this would be a good idea. The suggestion that he needs medicine to have an erection I think would be counter-productive at this stage and L did say that in his last reletionship the problem worked itself out.

I'm really looking for ways to be supportive without him feeling as though I'm pressuring him or making an even bigger issue out of things. It's like not mentioning the pink elephant in the room. It's there whenever we make love now but neither of us really refers to it and I know he's not happy in himself. He had told me, more than once and unasked, that it's not anything I've said or done and that his erection problem has no bearing on me but I feel as though, the very fact he feels he needs to say these things adds to the weight in his head and I want to be able to help him through this without adding to it any further - if that makes sense.

 

[Musing]

Thankyou all for the advice you've left me. Apologies for not responding to every post

 

[SweetErika]

L has commented on how tight I am a few times (I'm very petite and he has a rather large penis) but prefers not to use lubricant as that would reduce sensation further (we also use condoms as we are still quite a new couple).

Too much lube can be a problem for sensation. However, the right amount, and ESPECIALLY a couple of drops in the tip of the condom greatly INCREASES sensation for the man. A thin coat on the outside will likely be more pleasureable for you, too.

We've found silicone lube works best for us, particularly with condoms, because a little goes a long way, it feels natural and doesn't ever dry out. I put a few drops in the very tip before putting it on him, then a little bit on the outside because it seems like some spots on the front wall of my vagina don't get as much natural lube--which I have no shortage of--and can be rubbed the wrong way when we use condoms.

If you're skeptical, experiment with handjobs using condoms - do one without any extra lube and another with some in the tip and outside, then ask him which one felt best.

This is still the best deal on silicone lube around, and this big bottle is the same price as small ones and even a lot of water-based lubes elsewhere (I'm not affiliated with Gamelink, just big on comparison shopping ). We're about a third of the way through the bottle after well over a year, but it doesn't ever go bad. It's also great for massages, moisturizing and shaving as far as non-sexual uses go. We never thought lube was all that important or great until we tried silicone, but now we use it for just about everything because it adds so much pleasure.

 

[only_more_so]

There don't seem to be any guys with low-self esteem posting (I wonder why), so I'll go ahead and take a stab at it. I am well over 6ft and have weight issues. With my last girlfriend I also had difficulties keeping erect, but it wasn't that cut and dry.

Basically, there were certain positions that would make me more self conscious than others, and those were the times I would have the difficulties. When I was on the bottom and didn't have to worry about crushing her, I was more comfortable and the sex was great. Being on top it was more noticeable that I'm not in great shape, especially the thought that I weigh more than twice as much as she does.

Anyway, I think as he becomes more comfortable with you, he will be less shy about his body. I would also give you this advice... Don't over do the compliments because he could stop trusting what you say. So while you might be being perfectly honest with him, he might not believe it. You can't make him believe it be saying it over and over, but he will eventually realize the truth.

 

[LoboBoy]

I am a guy. I have had this problem too, in the beginning of my current relationship.

I'm gay (not that that changes anything for info purposes) but in the beginning I was so in awe of him...he was my perfect type...for the first time in my life I actually had trouble staying hard during sex. Not all the time, but enough for me to worry about it each time.

The thing is, the more you worry about it the worse it gets!

I am a good looking, well built guy with a gym body...so it's not that I felt gross beside him at all.

I guess just being with someone you see as perfect (for you) is enough to make you worry.

If it helps, I fell in love almost instantly and wasn't sure he felt the same. Falling in love is scary enough, let alone with someone you could objectively say is the most incredible looking person you have ever seen.

...it just wasn't an issue after a month or so...I think once I knew how he felt. (been together just over 2 years now)

 

[footlongish]

There is a lot going on in this relationship.

I highly recommend both of you read "Rekindling Desire".
http://www.amazon.com/Rekindling-De...ef=sr_1_2/104-1163622-8952743?ie=UTF8&s=books

The title is kind of a misnomer. Its more about developing a healthy intimacy/ sexuality within a relationship. It covers everything. Reading about it and fixing it are two different things. Yes, men can have sexual disfunctions and the way the woman deals with them can make the problem worse. Not saying you are, just that it can.

Good luck.

 

[Musing]

There is a lot going on in this relationship.

I highly recommend both of you read "Rekindling Desire".
http://www.amazon.com/Rekindling-De...ef=sr_1_2/104-1163622-8952743?ie=UTF8&s=books

The title is kind of a misnomer. Its more about developing a healthy intimacy/ sexuality within a relationship. It covers everything. Reading about it and fixing it are two different things. Yes, men can have sexual disfunctions and the way the woman deals with them can make the problem worse. Not saying you are, just that it can.

Good luck.

Hi footlongish, thanks for this. I'm in the UK though and the UK version of amazon doesn't have this exact book. I've ordered this book which I hope will help.

Not that it makes much difference within the context of this problem but I should mention that our relationship has a BDSM dynamic in the bedroom. I am submissive to L sexually and he enjoys Dominating me very much.

This doesn't extend into everyday life for us, nor does it restrict me in any way when we discuss sex. If anything we are more communicative than most couples about these things. After lovemaking we will cuddle up and 'de-brief- as it were, because our relationship is new and we're learning each other's kinks along with everything else.

This may have even made me feel more secure than perhaps I should at this stage. His outburst that night in my first post took me completely by surprise.

We will see each other again next week when I go and stay with him. L shares a house with friends so although we have privacy in his room, we don't have the run of the place. I get on with his housemates fine.

The last day we spent together L and I were both a little down and said that we would miss each other. L asked that I refrain from cumming until I see him again, which I don't mind because I enjoy the submission and he teases me mercilessly via IM and phone. He has asked me by phone since though, whether I'm happy with not cumming for nearly two weeks. I said that I enjoy serving him and look forward all the more to seeing him again. L asked whether it was making me frustrated enough to look at other men and I said no, quite emphatically. He seemed to be satisfied with this but at the same time I'm quite hurt that he felt it necessary to ask. I have never cheated on a partner, it's just not in my nature at all.

Anyway, I'm trying to be reassuring without overdoing it. I compliment him but not so frequently as to make him think I'm just doing it to make him feel better. I'm trying to reassure him about the time we spend apart, I tell him what I've been doing and who I've been seeing but am careful not to sound over eager to account for myself or to feel mistrusted. I don't think I am mistrusted, it's just that his self esteem demons make him worry about our time apart. He's very careful not to mix his own issues with his dominance of me, hopefully he'll settle down.

I'm not sure if any of that really made sense, oh well

Thanks for reading

 

[cloudy]

There don't seem to be any guys with low-self esteem posting (I wonder why), so I'll go ahead and take a stab at it. I am well over 6ft and have weight issues. With my last girlfriend I also had difficulties keeping erect, but it wasn't that cut and dry.

Basically, there were certain positions that would make me more self conscious than others, and those were the times I would have the difficulties. When I was on the bottom and didn't have to worry about crushing her, I was more comfortable and the sex was great. Being on top it was more noticeable that I'm not in great shape, especially the thought that I weigh more than twice as much as she does.

Anyway, I think as he becomes more comfortable with you, he will be less shy about his body. I would also give you this advice... Don't over do the compliments because he could stop trusting what you say. So while you might be being perfectly honest with him, he might not believe it. You can't make him believe it be saying it over and over, but he will eventually realize the truth.

Yes.

Let's admit it, most of us are not all that body confidant. My man is a big guy, and I think the whole nervous thing worked against us at first. Once we both became comfortable together (to the point that we walk around naked, take showers together, etc.), everything was more than fine.

Make sure he knows how you feel about him - ALL of him. I love every inch of my man, every pound he carries....everything, and he knows it. It makes a world of difference.

 

[Musing]

I love every inch of my man, every pound he carries....everything, and he knows it. It makes a world of difference.

Me too cloudy, I agree with you 100%

Trouble is now, as only_more_so said, he now thinks that I'm making a point of complimenting him. I pay attention to his whole body, learning his zones and so on but some areas of himself he doesn't like me focusing on (belly and ass to name 2). It's actually beginning to make me a little annoyed, that he's limiting us both like this because of how he feels.

He will walk around naked and we have showered together, he's seemingly OK with all that. It's when we're up close and personal that he starts to feel down about himself. He'll say things like "You look so gorgeous in this position" etc but if I reciprocate by telling him he looks fucking sexy he just rolls his eyes and ignores it. This actually makes me quite cross, as in "Who are you to tell me what I find sexy? If I say you're fucking sexy, then you are." Of course I would never say that. Not very submissive though, I know.

 

[Starbuck69]

I suspect he is thinking to much during sex, I have the same issue at times and it is true, all kinds of things go go thru me head, for example my weight or im i hurting her and then the big one will I be able to stay hard to make it last forever, ok not forever but for a long time and I mean more then just 30 or 40 minutes and though I may not go soft it isn't as hard as I know it should or can be and then it just down hill from there untill I can shake from my head and just injoy myself and then it will get hard again.

There could be other issues as well, but it will pass as long as it is not health related and it doesn't sound like it is. It realy just sounds like a comfort issue, that so gets to the point that he knows he isn't going to hurt you and that you are injoying every tings as much as he is, when he can get past it then things will only get better.

 

[Llan2193]

I had a very tramautic first sexual experience so I had issues maintaing a errection for sometime after that. The girlfriend that broke the cycle was sweet, caring and didn't make it a issue at all.
We talked about it openly, we would lie in bed together and we would just play with each others bodies. Eventully I got so comfortable with her we could have sex, then that sex turned into great sex, which gave me confidence ever sense.

I would also tell him that you are with him for a reason and he shouldn't second guess who is in your league or you may just start believing it yourself!

 

[Musing]

I had a very tramautic first sexual experience so I had issues maintaing a errection for sometime after that. The girlfriend that broke the cycle was sweet, caring and didn't make it a issue at all.

That's what I'm trying to do, whether I manage to pull it off or not remains to be seen. Am also slightly worried that if I ignore/downplay it as an issue too much, he'll think I don't care maybe. If this wasn't such a new relationship I think I'd know best how to handle it, it's the fact we've only been seeing each other a couple of months and have been in the same town for less than half that time.

Hopefully, as in his last relationship, it'll just work itself out. I'm just fearful of putting a spanner in the works by shoving my foot in my mouth in the meantime.

Thanks all for your advice, especially the brave men speaking from experience