Guilt

[bicuriousosaur]

I don't think it's more so guilt, but, I just think they wouldn't accept it. My dad doesn't think bisexuality actually exists, so you can imagine how I feel.

 

[geishaGirl]

Well, I wouldn't say that I feel guilty about my... whatever bi-ness it is. I feel more like it's a bandwagon that I've jumped on, even though I know it's not true. At the most unexpected moment, I find myself leching girls I see on the street or in the media (all while I try to look like I'm doing no such thing!) And when women here talk about thinking at first that their attraction to women was normal and just appreciation of their beauty, I feel almost an eerie echo in myself.

But still, I feel like I only announced to myself that I might be bi-something after I saw other people who were LGBT and saw that it was okay and that the people themselves were really cool. I feel sometimes like I'm not bi enough, I guess is what I'm trying to say.

And btw, my family has no idea about this, and I don't think they're likely to unless I find a girl I want to bring home. It's not that I feel guilty, but again, I'm insecure about my bi-ness, whatever that may be. But I can talk it about it with my LGBT and ally friends... sheesh.

I can relate to this insecurity and.......uncertainty......about being bi. I still feel sometimes like I'm not because I don't seem very unhappy withOUT a woman in my life to explore that side of myself with. I guess I tend to think, at times, that if I was TRULY bi then I'd be missing it or wanting it. I can also relate to the mention of appreciating women's beauty - I feel the echo in myself too!

As to feeling guilty, yes I definitely have. Perhaps I don't actively seek out a female to have some sexual fun with because I feel more at peace without it in my life. In other words, on a subconscious level, I feel so much less guilty. I know I felt a whole host of things when I did have a girlfriend. There were alot of issues at the time associated with how comfortable I was or more to the point about how UNcomfortable I was! Various reasons, but one was that I sometimes had mixed emotions about acting on my bisexuality - I felt conflicted because I'd always believed in devoting myself to one person, my husband. And being with a woman or anyone else for that matter, contradicted that. It's a big ideal, monogamy, to live up to - least for me it is at this point in my life.

Hope that helped answer the question

 

[Raimondin]

What really matters here is YOU. Numero Uno. It's YOUR happiness. NOT theirs. Guilt is a load of crap flinged at you by others! Be Yourself and you will always be happy.

 

[Mike260]

Hey Bicuriousaur:

One more thing. I really think you're doing the right thing by reaching out to others for their opinions and support. It's a good way to deal with dilemnas in a mature, thoughtful way. Well done.

Mike

 

[bi golly]

What really matters here is YOU. Numero Uno. It's YOUR happiness. NOT theirs. Guilt is a load of crap flinged at you by others! Be Yourself and you will always be happy.

Can you describe a point at which this search for happiness becomes an exercise in narcissism? The endless pursuit of happiness can lead to sociopathic acts. Guilt and shame are powerful motivating forces that can help a person lead a life that is responsible.

A person who does not ever feel either shame or guilt will be either a sociopath or a psychopath.

I try to avoid people who are out for Numero Uno because they lie and do whatever they can to get what they perceive to be their needs met, without regard to how it impacts others.

Would you care to revisit your statements about priorities?

 

[Elmer Keith]

Can you describe a point at which this search for happiness becomes an exercise in narcissism? The endless pursuit of happiness can lead to sociopathic acts. Guilt and shame are powerful motivating forces that can help a person lead a life that is responsible.

A person who does not ever feel either shame or guilt will be either a sociopath or a psychopath.

I try to avoid people who are out for Numero Uno because they lie and do whatever they can to get what they perceive to be their needs met, without regard to how it impacts others.

Would you care to revisit your statements about priorities?

How does doing things that you feel guilty and shameful about make you a better person?

 

[bi golly]

How does doing things that you feel guilty and shameful about make you a better person?

No, guilt and shame can keep you from doing things that can make you a poorer person. For example, you are in a monogamous, committed relationship with someone and you cheat. Your partner finds out and is very hurt by the betrayal. You are shamed by the pain you have inflicted on this person you love.


At some time later, you are in a situation that could lead to you cheating again. You are with someone to whom you are attracted and you know that you really want to have sex with them. But you have made promises to your partner. You remember the pain you caused. You don't cheat because of the guilt you feel for that pain.


In the context of this thread, bicuriousosaur asked if people feel guilty about being bisexual. I think what was implied was a question about whether people felt guilty for not identifying themselves as bi, passing as hetero to friends; properly phrased, the question would be "Is it a lie to pass myself off as hetero to people who know me, when deep down I don't feel that way?"

I don't think that a person has an obligation to meet the expectations for other people in terms of openness, as long as it is not in the context of promises. For example, if I meet someone socially and the talk gets around to sexual orientation, I don't feel obligated to tell them everything about myself. It would be an unreasonable expectation on the part of the other person to ask for intimate knowledge of my sexual orientation. If, on the other hand, I said that I was straight for the purposes of getting into the pants of his sister, that would be unethical and for that I should feel guilty. If I am becoming more emotionally intimate with someone and didn't tell them that I have bisexual leanings, or denied them in response to questions, that would be unethical also.

To the rephrased original question, I say, "No, you should not feel guilty because of your trying to determine your sexual orientation." On the other hand, if you are passing yourself off as straight to your significant other while you have no intention of living a hetero sex life, yes you should feel guilty.

If a person does things that are unethical, they should feel guilt. If they do things that are unethical and do not feel guilt, then they are sociopathic. If they also derive satisfaction from it, then they are psychopathic.

 

[Elmer Keith]

By Golly, you're right, bi golly. If I love someone, I don't screw it up. Having bisexual "fun", while you're in a monogamous (sp) relationship is asking for trouble. You must make your decision before the act. Guilt is for children.

 

[bicuriousosaur]

Man, I didn't know I meant that! Actually, I think it is more cause I go on my webcam at times and masturbate. Several married men have viewed me, which I know is wrong. Of course, I always ask if their wives know about their bisexuality. I just think it is foolish for them to hide for what they are.

Also, my guilt is more about being to "cowardly" to open up to my parents, but, I rather just keep it too myself. I don't believe being bi makes me anymore special than the next person, i just more open-minded with my future partners.

do you all know what I mean?

 

[bi golly]

Man, I didn't know I meant that! Actually, I think it is more cause I go on my webcam at times and masturbate. Several married men have viewed me, which I know is wrong. Of course, I always ask if their wives know about their bisexuality. I just think it is foolish for them to hide for what they are.

Also, my guilt is more about being to "cowardly" to open up to my parents, but, I rather just keep it too myself. I don't believe being bi makes me anymore special than the next person, i just more open-minded with my future partners.

do you all know what I mean?

Yeah, I think so. I have met a number of men who were married and said that they had loveless marriages and liked male sex. How could I know if they were telling the truth? I decided to not hook up with them because I just didn't feel right doing it.

As for talking to parents, well, that is a whole other story. Think of it in terms of rights and responsibilities. You are within your rights to explore your sexuality and try to figure out where in the spectrum you are. Your responsibilities are to try to not hurt other people in doing so, e.g., some unsuspecting spouse of a cheating husband. You are not under an obligation to tell your parents everything that you do. You are in the stage in your life where you are learning to be your own person, to separate from them.

I had a friend for several years who came out to me as bi. I was a little miffed because he hadn't taken me into his confidence, but mostly I wanted to support him, let him know that it didn't matter to me that he was bi. I think he feared rejection, and he didn't really want to talk to me about it. In the years following, I learned that he had been molested as a boy. I think he was not very sure about his sexuality. He wanted a family, but when he got close to a woman and then told her that he was bi, that usually squelched the relationship.

Your parents rights are fairly limited. They can control their side of the relationship with you, but they can't control your side. They are still responsible for maintaining a relationship with you. Being a parent sucks in this rights-responsibilities analysis: the parent takes all the risk and gets very little direct reward. Such is the role of the parent.

Absent irresponsibility on your part, you don't have a lot of reason to feel guilty. You should be making decisions for yourself and separating emotionallly from your parents. They are decisions that you need to 'own', i.e., you need to make them and be sure in how you reached them.

 

[bicuriousosaur]

I hate it when a fellow bi guy denies what he is, especially when he is using his religion as a excuse. I mean, I believe in God, but, fuck, that doesn't make me that less interested in at least having a sexual encounter with a man.

 

[bi golly]

I hate it when a fellow bi guy denies what he is, especially when he is using his religion as a excuse. I mean, I believe in God, but, fuck, that doesn't make me that less interested in at least having a sexual encounter with a man.

?????

I don't get where this is coming from. Are you talking about the people on this thread, or do you have another example in mind?

 

[bicuriousosaur]

No, it was one of the people on my Yahoo! Messenger. No, you guys been great about this situation.

 

[WyldSpirit]

I have felt guilt about a lot of things in my life, some of it justified, some of it not so much, but I've never felt guilty about being bi. Of course, that doesn't mean that I'm out to everyone in my life either. I may not feel guilty, but, unless I have a reason to come out to my family, such as finding a woman that I want to spend more than casual time with, I don't see any reason to put them through knowing something that would only cause them grief and is honestly none of their business. Seriously, I don't discuss my other sexual habits, likes, or dislikes with my family, why would I tell them this? So, if the day comes that I find a girl that I want to bring home, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but this stems not from guilt, but from a desire not to cause my parents unnecessary pain that I know telling them would cause.

I guess that to me the idea of feeling guilty about being bi would be like feeling guilty for being a woman, it's just who I am.

 

[Jander1]

As anyone who has been here much probably knows I am bi and married and my wife knows of my need to be with a man sexually. I felt guilt for years because of my thoughts (though I had never acted). It was primarily just because I grew up in a small town where gays are "sissies" and "sickos" and all the other things that go with that. I have always been looked at as being very manly which also contributed to my confusion. Now I know that being manly and being attracted to men is not imcompatible. I always prided myself on being me and I always have been a unique individual. I could not be "normal" when I tried, and was always attracted to these same type of individuals. I still go through some guilt now, though not for being bi. It is just because even though my wife knows and is cool with the fact that I am going to explore (safely as possible) I still married with the intention of being monogamous. I think I read another post on this thread alluding to this. I do know that not being myself and not exploring caused more problems with my marriage than the alternative. Anyway I enjoy reading the emotions and thoughts that people have had on this subject.

 

[Endeavor]

Guilty, not me

I have never felt the least bit guilty about my bisexual urges. Why limit yourself to only one flavor of loving?

 

[Mike260]

Bicuriousaur:

When I was 16, I had a long affair with a 35 year old man. Today, that would be considered molestation. Back then, it was simply one of those things that went on a lot in the kind of southern beach town I grew up in.The sex wasn't so great, but I never felt violated or raped. And the guy, for the time we were together, was a close friend of mine.

But it wasn't a good thing either. Ultimately, there was no real intimacy in having sex with someone twice my age. Outside of wiling away time getting each other off, we had about as much in common, as, well...any 35 year old and 16 year old.

The relationship occured during a very hard time for my family and me. I guess it was easy. There was little risk in having a relationship with Allen. I knew he would always want me and, even if the time came when he didn't, I doubt I would have been that upset about it.

But I should have been out there trying to get together with girls my own age (I'm straight)--- taking risks and fumbling around with people who were at the same junctures on road to self-discovery.

In reading your posts, there seems to be a common theme-- you appear to be gravitating toward people older than you. It's OK to seek guidance and role models in us grown-ups. But it's not so good to seek us as sex partners, or as exclusive confidants. Not the end of the world, but I think there are better choices.

I'm not suggesting you rush out and have sex with, or even confide in, every kid you'd like to befriend. In a small midwestern town, we both know that can be a recipe for disaster.

And even kids who are your friends can be a risky endeavor. As I remember, they can be pretty unpredictable and, sometimes, not so nice. But, after all is said and done, in terms of growing up and getting close to others, tons of perfect advice from adults runs a distant second behind sharing ignorance with other kids.

Perhaps you should take the risk to find some intimacy about this, sexual or just friendship, with a peer.

Mike

 

[bicuriousosaur]

Mike:

Dude, I am 25. But, you are right, I do need to find people closer to my age on the computer or in person I could at least talk to about this.

Please, call me Jake