Has anybody seen my happiness and joy?

[sirhugs]

In the song by Ne-Yo, "Time of Our Lives", Pitbull weighs in with:

"Every day above ground is a great day. Remember that!"


So, just wake up, and have another great day!

Pit Bull just so doesn't know what he's talking about. at least not about me.
There is nothing great about today. I don't remember the last great day. Since my diagnosis of recurrent cancer a year agio, nothing has been good. October has been a particularly difficult month. My last mediocre day was was Wednesday. Thursday was a wave of recurring anxiety attacks. Friday was coming down from that. As usually happens, the anxiety gave way to deep deep depression. On my best days I'm depressed. These are not my best days.

 

[sirhugs]

As much as I appreciate and need the words of encouragement, I don't recall a single post that says I'd be missed if I left Lit.
Just like no one says I'd be missed if or when I die.

 

[NuclearFairy]

I know that this is just a form of pseudo-suicide, so that I should not do it and take another step in that direction.
Lit is one of my few pleasures left in my pathetic life.

Please don't do that, you're my favorite moderator on this site. The Idea forum just wouldn't be the same without you.

 

[Nightaelf]

As much as I appreciate and need the words of encouragement, I don't recall a single post that says I'd be missed if I left Lit.
Just like no one says I'd be missed if or when I die.

I’ve stood in that emptiness myself, so I know that “chin up” doesn’t help. But I’ve also learned that things start to get better when you stop waiting for others to tell you that you’d be missed. You’re the one who gives meaning to your own presence. Even when that feels impossible or pointless. Sometimes it’s enough, in the middle of that dark abyss, to just look up and notice that somewhere, there’s still a little light.

 

[Lifestyle66]

Pit Bull just so doesn't know what he's talking about. at least not about me.
There is nothing great about today. I don't remember the last great day. Since my diagnosis of recurrent cancer a year agio, nothing has been good. October has been a particularly difficult month. My last mediocre day was was Wednesday. Thursday was a wave of recurring anxiety attacks. Friday was coming down from that. As usually happens, the anxiety gave way to deep deep depression. On my best days I'm depressed. These are not my best days.

"Great" can be a relative term, with your health worse than many and not feeling so great. But that song is about someone who doesn't have the money to pay his rent. He chooses to enjoy what little he has.

So, your health can also be seen as better than some.

"Great" can be a subjective term, something we choose to see with each day we have left.

Look away from the darkness and toward the bright side of everything you can find.

 

[sirhugs]

I’ve stood in that emptiness myself, so I know that “chin up” doesn’t help. But I’ve also learned that things start to get better when you stop waiting for others to tell you that you’d be missed. You’re the one who gives meaning to your own presence. Even when that feels impossible or pointless. Sometimes it’s enough, in the middle of that dark abyss, to just look up and notice that somewhere, there’s still a little light.

I have no meaning

 

[Nightaelf]

I have no meaning

Everyone has.

 

[sirhugs]

Everyone has.

the plot bunnies must have eaten mine

 

[gunhilltrain]

I know that this is just a form of pseudo-suicide, so that I should not do it and take another step in that direction.
Lit is one of my few pleasures left in my pathetic life.

Do you live in an area with a lot of SNAP/food stamps recipients? I do. I am wondering what the streets here will be like next weekend if the benefits are indeed cut-off.

 

[sirhugs]

Do you live in an area with a lot of SNAP/food stamps recipients? I do. I am wondering what the streets here will be like next weekend if the benefits are indeed cut-off.

I'm Canadian so those exact things don't apply. Though our welfare syatem is pathetic, and food banks struggle, at least we have food banks.
I'm not worried about material goods. I have $ left in my retirement account and made $(0K last year, including the withdrawals from the retirement account and the Canada Pension and Old Age supplement. Still receiving an LTD top up thanks to having bought a good LTD Plan. Also my 90 yr old mother admits she will never spend the $$ and has told me if I need help, she would rather help me now rather than me waiting for the will.
My troubles are health, not money.
And loneliness and isolation.
Lit helps with those, so my inclination to cut myself off is illogical. But the depression is not logical. I can deal better with the anxiety. The pit is so deep.

 

[NuclearFairy]

Do you live in an area with a lot of SNAP/food stamps recipients? I do. I am wondering what the streets here will be like next weekend if the benefits are indeed cut-off.

The food banks and soup kitchens will be overrun.

In grade school, I had a classmate who would always get excited for the last week of the month, because that meant they would be having pancakes for every meal, and he loved pancakes.

 

[nice90sguy]

@sirhugs

You're not alone in your suffering. I've spoken to a few people here about this (I suffer from depression too) and we know what you're going through. Small comfort, I know, but hopefully some comfort anyway.

And poor health makes it ten times worse. I know that too.

 

[Erozetta]

I have no meaning

That you know of in this moment. And that's all it is; a moment within a collection of moments. It can feel overwhelming. It can be difficult to see what might be when it feels difficult to breathe through just a single moment.

Your meaning isn't meant for you, necessarily. It's meant for the person you come across who needs your idea, your input, your expertise. And you might not ever know that you crossing their path in that moment made all the difference in the world for them.

Sometimes we don't live for ourselves. Sometimes we don't exist for ourselves. And that's okay. Because as long as we exist, we have an opportunity to share our moments with others, and we never know when the right moment needs us to be there for someone else's benefit.

I've dealt with suicidal ideation most of my life and it doesn't go away even when I make attempts. It's sheer disappointment and deep sorrow every time I wake up. I don't want to be here most of the time. But every now and then someone will cross my path and ask me a question or present a problem they are struggling with and I sit with them to work it out. Sometimes I wonder if that was my reason for being here. If the meaning in my continued existence is simply to provide direction to others. And I find I can live with that.

So, now when those thoughts come up, I kinda inadvertently think about the people I've met and befriended and helped because I *didn't* succeed in killing myself and I have to wonder if anyone else would've been there for them in the way that they needed in that particular moment.

Ultimately it comes down to what do you want to do? Exist for seemingly no reason but understanding that your existence may make a world of difference to someone you may not ever even realize you'll cross paths with, or stop existing because you can't see the future to know for certain that you are needed.

What can you do right now that will give you a connection to others? I've seen you be very active and encouraging down in story ideas even though I don't really post there. People see you even if you don't know that they do, they appreciate you even if they don't know how to express it.

It's not our job to know why we exist. We just exist until we don't and while we exist, we can do our damndest to be present in the world just in case our presence makes a difference for someone, whether we know about that difference or not.

Hell, for all you know, someone in your care team sees their patients as inspirations.

This forum is nothing in comparison to what your impact can be IRL. But you will have a legacy here as a forum mod who encouraged ideas to blossom into stories. A legacy of a friendly name, and avatar. So what's the next part of your legacy going to be? Throwing in the towel or keeping that encouragement going until the choice is no longer yours to make?

You can't make depression go away through willpower, sadly, I've tried for many decades. What you can do is live with it and try your damndest to not let anyone else fall too deeply into it as best you can.

This may be disjointed, I apologize for that, but severe depression is something I've handled for decades on my own with fair to middling results. Partially complicated by agoraphobia, CPTSD, anxiety, and disruptive thought patterns that lead to not wanting to wake up more often than I'd like to admit. I'm never going to say "Chin up, it gets better." Because, frankly, that's a load of bullshit said by people who don't actually understand that depression isn't a mood that changes as circumstances change.

Ultimately,if you ever want to talk to someone who gets it (not the cancer side, but the deep loneliness and isolation that tends to come with depression) feel free to message me. I'm always open to honest communication about it, and I'm not one to ever shame or try to cheer someone up when in a downward spiral. What I can do is talk to you about my own experiences and let you vent about yours as much as you need to.

 

[Soixenta]

But the depression is not logical.

Depression is a black beast that sinks its claws into you and rides your back, growing bigger and stronger as it leaves you weaker.

The only advice I am comfortable giving is to try and identify a bright spot in your life and nurture it. When it is shining brightest, look for another bright spot, and so on. Grow as many of those bright spots as you can to fight the black beast.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

As much as I appreciate and need the words of encouragement, I don't recall a single post that says I'd be missed if I left Lit.
Just like no one says I'd be missed if or when I die.

You would. Keep popping by the cafe.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

I'll share with you that I've been depressed as well. I suppose many here can say the same. I've also been alone, and I've been depressed and alone at the same time. I know how hard it can be. I haven't been in poor health though, mostly thanks to my age, but I can imagine how strong the impact of all three together could be. I feel for you.

Despite everything, I'll try to give you a practical answer instead. We are all going to the same place, eventually. The certainty, the inevitability of it, is what puts things in perspective. All there is for any one of us is to stick around and hold on, for as long as we can. Make impact, make splashes. That's all any of us can do. Giving up sucks.

We can sometimes think like megalomaniacs and see our efforts as so tiny, so insignificant in the grand scheme of things. But that's just our perception and possibly our vanity speaking. The truth is, we can't possibly know how our actions, as tiny as they can sometimes seem, reverberate across the world and history.

Take this thread, for example. You've made people reach out, empathize, but also reflect on life. You've made a splash. And this is just a thread on the forum.

There are people in our lives we influence, sometimes unknowingly; there are people out there who get influenced by our writing, by our posts and thoughts, by our work and daily interaction. The only curse is that we aren't always aware of that impact.

Hold on, and stick around. Keep writing stories, keep making posts, and keep interacting with people you know.
Keep making splashes. Somewhere out there, those splashes could be making you proud, even if, by the design of life, we are most often unaware of it.

 

[sirhugs]

Trying to remind myself that today starts a new week.
It was last week that was awful.
This week still has the potential for improvement.

somebody please explain this to the bunnies.

 

[yowser]

Cancer is a relentless malicious curse, a ticking clock where each noisy ratchet forward brings both more pain and your life closer to the end. The mortality is a ‘when’ that cannot be dodged.

You have had a long and enthusiastic presence on the forums, a legacy undiminished. Please be kind to yourself, give yourself space and forgiveness, and know that the AH is with you.

 

[gunhilltrain]

I'm Canadian so those exact things don't apply. Though our welfare syatem is pathetic, and food banks struggle, at least we have food banks.
I'm not worried about material goods. I have $ left in my retirement account and made $(0K last year, including the withdrawals from the retirement account and the Canada Pension and Old Age supplement. Still receiving an LTD top up thanks to having bought a good LTD Plan. Also my 90 yr old mother admits she will never spend the $$ and has told me if I need help, she would rather help me now rather than me waiting for the will.
My troubles are health, not money.
And loneliness and isolation.
Lit helps with those, so my inclination to cut myself off is illogical. But the depression is not logical. I can deal better with the anxiety. The pit is so deep.

I didn't mean to minimize what you are going through.

 

[sirhugs]

back to my baseline I think. Ready to face another week.
Thank you for all the support.

 

[sirhugs]

crunched 300 words together in an order that makes some sense. A start, but just a start. In fact, just began a new scene. Pausing to see what the plot bunnies think of it.

 

[OddLove]

You ever accidentally consult an obnoxiously happy person about feeling depressed?

Then they just giggle and say something like,

"Cheer up"

"Be Grateful"

"Think Positive"

etc.

It's like getting advice from a three year old toddler alien from another galaxy who just landed on earth, and the only thing they know about the human race is what they read on the coffee mugs at bed bath and beyond.

 

[sirhugs]

You ever accidentally consult an obnoxiously happy person about feeling depressed?

Then they just giggle and say something like,

"Cheer up"

"Be Grateful"

"Think Positive"

etc.

It's like getting advice from a three year old toddler alien from another galaxy who just landed on earth, and the only thing they know about the human race is what they read on the coffee mugs at bed bath and beyond.

I thought bed bath and beyond was bankrupt.

 

[OddLove]

I thought bed bath and beyond was bankrupt.

They did, but they're still kicking.

 

[iwatchus]

You ever accidentally consult an obnoxiously happy person about feeling depressed?

Then they just giggle and say something like,

"Cheer up"

"Be Grateful"

"Think Positive"

etc.

It's like getting advice from a three year old toddler alien from another galaxy who just landed on earth, and the only thing they know about the human race is what they read on the coffee mugs at bed bath and beyond.

Years ago, I was working with a trainer to get in better shape. One day I came in and the gym had put up "inspirational" sayings around the walls. I would amuse my trainer telling him how I wanted to come back and edit their sayings.

Like changing "It's never time to give up!" into "It's never time! -- Give up!"