Has Your past influenced your relationship needs?

[Perfect_Trust]

Just interested to see how many of you relate your relationship/sexual needs to your upbringing / family dynamics? Whether it be that you feel the need to recreate your past to some extent, or move in a completely different direction because of your upbringing.

For myself I was the youngset & only female child, having two older brothers & a constant father, with a mother who was/still is, always compliant to my fathers needs.

I do consider that my submissive needs stem from being in that situation. My closest realtionship being with one of my brothers who was/is very dominant, who'm as a child I would do anything to please, simply to be allowed to be with him & his friends on a regular basis.

 

[brioche]

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Just interested to see how many of you relate your relationship/sexual needs to your upbringing / family dynamics? Whether it be that you feel the need to recreate your past to some extent, or move in a completely different direction because of your upbringing.

For myself I was the youngset & only female child, having two older brothers & a constant father, with a mother who was/still is, always compliant to my fathers needs.

I do consider that my submissive needs stem from being in that situation. My closest realtionship being with one of my brothers who was/is very dominant, who'm as a child I would do anything to please, simply to be allowed to be with him & his friends on a regular basis.

Hmm. Can't say it was the same with me - I am a middle child, was Daddy's little girl, until Daddy took a promotion that caused him to travel a lot. Wasn't his choice really - economically motivated...but very hard for me to adjust to. My mum is an Irishwoman, and though it's different now, she was a spitfire when we were younger, not submissive at all - learned how to sign my Dad's checks and insisted on having money of her own to spend away from his - she was a stay at home mother then. She ruled by fear.

I don't know if that influenced me - the "Abandonment" of my father - he was away more weeks than home when I was about 5 or 6 - but that's all that comes to mind.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I don't actually associate my needs to my upbringing simply because I was having fantasies before beginning school which I think would be a real stretch to attribute to the environment I was brought up in. HAving said that, I also don't spend a lot of time thinking about it as I am comfortable with who I am and so don't feel a need to work out why I am this way. I think if I felt there was something wrong with me or my desires I might want to delve more into why I was that way, but I don't so I just enjoy the freedom of finally recognising and having that which makes me tick.

Catalina

 

[graceanne]

Oldest child (of 6 children). My mother is a very dominant person. *shrugs* I don't think that has anything to do with anything - I was very nurturing even as a very small child. I've spent my life taking care of people. lol

 

[Perfect_Trust]

Originally posted by Catalina I think if I felt there was something wrong with me or my desires I might want to delve more into why I was that way

Interesting point Catalina, & one that is probably relevant to me at the moment.

 

[Netzach]

My mother is generally a very passive person to her detriment. I don't have the balls it takes to assert myself in every social situation, but damned if I don't privately in my own world.

 

[neonflux]

Great question, Perfect_Trust! Over the years, my experiences have played a part in what I want in my current relationships. In my youth I always went for the bad grrl/boy - results weren't particularly healthy. Now, I will not settle for partners who are anything less than gentle, generous, considerate, loving, and absolutely comfortable with themselves.

In terms of my kink and the way that I am wired to express it? I don't believe so. My mother was the dominant one in my family because of my father's illness (early onset emphysema), but I think that even had he been very healthy, she would have "taken charge." I am the oldest of two sisters. Both of us are kinky. I am switch but tend towards dominance, my sister is firmly on the subbie side of the whip.

I do think that my mother's acceptance of sexuality allowed both my sister and me to accept ours. Also, had one experience with sexual abuse when VERY young - new playmate's much older brothers, minor, and not involving penetration but including some terrible humiliation after. This did, I think, impact my penchant for exhibitionism and my complete distaste for degradation on either side of the PYL/pyl equation. (Clearly, my playmate NEVER became a friend because of this one experience. Thank goodness we left the neighborhood shortly thereafter.)

Neon

 

[FurryFury]

I don't really think it works like that. I think this is the easy answer to a question that is more about the "is-ness" of the individual at birth than in the nurture of them after they are born.

 

[BiBunny]

I think so, to some extent. I'm an only child. My mother has some serious control issues going on (i.e., she's nuts), and she's been jealous of me for years. I've always been Daddy's little girl. I don't think these things have so much shaped my need for kink as they've shaped the kinds of things I need from partners, especially those of the dominant male variety, which, even though I'm bi and a switch, are still my choice du jour in the partner category.

Maybe I've got some sort of Electra complex going on, but I compare every man I meet to my father. Daddy has always been the sane one in the family, the one without control issues, the one I could always go talk to, so I'm pretty sure that's why I do it. For that reason, I look for tall, strong, intelligent men with a sharp sense of humor, just like Daddy. Mother was always the one to wield power over me "because she could," and I think that's why to this day, any "Dom" who wants to do things to me or wants me to do things for no logical reason, just to assert his power over me will quickly be shown the door. Daddy never treated me as less a person because I was a girl, because I wasn't as strong as he was, or as smart about certain things or whatever, so I expect the same kind of treatment from a Dom.

Strangely enough, I have no desire for a Daddy/little girl type relationship. I guess, in my mind, I have a Daddy; I don't need another one. I just want to be treated by my dominant the same, laid-back way my father's always treated me--kindly, fairly, and in a way that builds the relationship rather than sabotages it. (Had enough relationship-sabotage from my Mother.) I think my relationship with Mother is why I can't stand to be ignored, either. She's 54 years old, and she'll still give the cold shoulder if she's pissed off, like a child.

There's so much more I could add, as far as past romantic relationships and whatnot, but I'll come back later. Don't want to overload anyone!

 

[pandoravampire]

I suspect strongly, in fact i know, that each and every living being, is a make up of nature and nurture, and we all stand in this place called present, brought there by our previous experiences. We are intellegent, we learn from lessons, gain from positives, shy away from negatives. Hopefully.
Myself, i had a wonderful grandfather. He was retired, yet full of life, living with my partents and us kids. He practically raised me, as my parents worked long and hard to bring the money in to care for their 4 children, plus two of my mothers younger brothers, who still remained at home. My grandfather had been a single parent for years. When my father left the army, and we needed a home. A win win situation was found. My mother would help with raising the two younger brothers, and my grandfather would help her by babysitting.
It was a wonderful relationship. In no way incestuous. Just pure love. I strongly bellieve that i am drawn to Daddy's as a resonance of a space, i treasured as a child. Little one space. Ive not yet enjoyed that relationship in my journey, as for me, it would need to be non sexual. It is a pre-pubesant need. And that is rare.
The attraction to power exchanges. Comes from being a people watcher all my life. I find watching people fascinating. And watching a Dom/me do their thang, is just awesome! And i dont like being around people who send mixed messages. Because i people watch so intensely, i note incongruence fast. And it makes me cautious.
To be a submissive, allowed me into a space of feeling adored. As i did as a child i guess. As well as all the horny hot sexual experiences as a sub in a D/s marriage, this was far deeper than a physical thing. It allowed me to trust in a way, i perhaps would not of done were it vanilla? I came to the relationship with trust issues, i am leaving with trust issues. I am a product of my past. And have some work to do.
MY love of pvc comes from sitting for long periods under a cobblers table. He was the local boot maker. And it was back in the 70's. Towering platforms, made of patent leather at 7 yrs, is a hard image to get out of your head! I was given a bit of the shiny fabric by the cobbler. I kept it until i was a adult. When i realisded, that you could buy CLOTHES! in this fabric lol. And havent ever looked back, just accepted, that all those hours smellling leather, watching him make boots, as he'd spin the piece of leather around, it would often land on my protruding gangly legs and arms, sending shivers of electricity up my spine, it did something to me, or as i prefer to view it, It did something for me.
I could go on and on, and have. But just wanted to show, that for me anyhow, my past is always going to affect my present and my future. And although you cant do anything about your past, your sure as fuck can with the present and the future.

 

[SubKekiLee]

past influences..

I know it wasnt my family that brought this into my life, it was a family friend who came from out of town and I heard them being a young woman I was intriqued to hear that.. and then as growing up I wanted to explore cause I am always the one in control, as I am a boss at work, I am mother and now a wife.... So it is that I like to not have to think when it comes to D/s and I like that he makes the decisions... It is a feeling of euphoria that I cannot explain.... although I do know I disapoint my Dom sometimes but sometimes I think I do it to experience more punishment.. .

 

[Hummingbyrd]

Just interested to see how many of you relate your relationship/sexual needs to your upbringing / family dynamics? Whether it be that you feel the need to recreate your past to some extent, or move in a completely different direction because of your upbringing.

For myself I was the youngset & only female child, having two older brothers & a constant father, with a mother who was/still is, always compliant to my fathers needs.

I do consider that my submissive needs stem from being in that situation. My closest realtionship being with one of my brothers who was/is very dominant, who'm as a child I would do anything to please, simply to be allowed to be with him & his friends on a regular basis.

Of course is has. Not entirely, but action triggers reaction.

 

[CutieMouse]

In the last few days, I've had two different (independent) people pin down a lot of my interests to stem from a very unsafe, unloved, insecure childhood, and very early (and necessary) need to protect myself, because there wasn't anyone else there to do it. It's an interesting theory...

 

[myinnerslut]

ive always been the daddy's girl. still am. spoiled horribly by my grandparents (first girl on one side of the family and first granchild/only girl on the other side of the family). i dont know if that made me who i am, but i dont think it hurt. im my case i still think its more genetics.

 

[satindesire]

My dad, a Vietnam vet who suffered horribly from PTSD and depression until recently getting on antidepressants, was not very involved with my younger life (childhood and preteen years), which I know led me to desire a strong male influence in my life. That led to a short string of unhealthy and in one case, nearly deadly relationship(s) with neglectful alpha-male types who would end up cheating on me, taking advantage of me, and breaking my heart.

Fast forward to almost 23 years of my life and I'm with my Sir, who suffered from PTSD and depression until getting on Paxil...Oedipus much?

I know from personal experience that me so strongly desiring a closer relationship with my father also leads me to defer to almost all men who display any Dominant characteristics, because I wanted to please daddy and make him happy with me.

AND, I also know that Dominant men aren't necessarily pushy, aggressive a-holes who use people to their own means and damn the consequences. So...yeah. My past has shaped my relationships with EVERY man I come across.

 

[daringdarling]

Interesting question. My grandmother - on my father's side - was a high dominance person, my mother stands not far behind. Neither my grandfather - veteran - nor my dad - only child - ever really stood up to them. I grew up an only child, only grandchild and get to hear often how much my strong personality refects my grandmother's and mother's.

The odd thing is, as a child I was always eager to get my grandfather's and dad's approval, to do things the way that appealed to them, to make them proud. And today I can recognize some of those tendencies when considering past relationships or the way I act around men who are important to me. The desire to be pleasing, feminine and passive, to let them take the lead, to be praised, to make them smile and make life easier for them is all there combined with a strong need to feel protected and safe and look up to my partner even though in every day life I am a most opinionated and able person who can stand up and provide for herself.

Sometimes I do wonder if I we are trying to counterbalance the role models and strong influences we have seen growing up. Both my mom and my grandmother come from families where the man's word was law. Does this mean that my kinds might have to counterbalance one day my counterbalancing of my mother's and grandmother's counterbalancing of their father's dominance? I am sure they will love me for it.

 

[neonflux]

(Edited to shorten...) I know from personal experience that me so strongly desiring a closer relationship with my father also leads me to defer to almost all men who display any Dominant characteristics, because I wanted to please daddy and make him happy with me.

This really struck a cord with me. My father, who was my world, suffered permanent brain damage when I was only 12 years old - at a time when I certainly needed him. We were never allowed to mourn as he continued to live with us until he died, but he was no longer himself at all after that. I also developed a deep need for connection to men. It had a profound impact on the gender of my partners rather than, I think, impacting my kink. While it didn't result in submissive tendencies, it did result in my seeking relationships with men a fair deal older than myself throughout my early 20s. I also think that it influenced the number of male, vs. female lovers I had when I was younger. Men far outnumbered women, despite the fact that my natural inclination is a 50/50 attraction to both... Addition: It also for years created in me a fear of an abandonment that until very recently effected my ability/willingness to fully experience intimacy. Neon

 

[ssinlove]

In the last few days, I've had two different (independent) people pin down a lot of my interests to stem from a very unsafe, unloved, insecure childhood, and very early (and necessary) need to protect myself, because there wasn't anyone else there to do it. It's an interesting theory...

i better understand your silence now... anyway, no need to worry, i have no more Owners/Masters/Mistress, i just found a mother to replace the one i am missing. Things have been so quick and speedy after my Mistress told me she would be my mother now, i feel somebody else already with dresses she bought me, no more collar... and most important, love. i was so scared to change because i feared to lose Their love. But They asked me to change and so They still love me.

i was quite sad about your silence for all these days, thinking you didn't care, which was not comprehensible after the first exhanges we had together. i know now it had nothing to do with me and i am relieved.

i hope you will soon find the love you deserve.

 

[graceanne]

Ok. I don't know if my childhood is why I'm the way I am. My mother is a recovering addict/alcoholic with split personalities. When I was in my early teens she went through intensive counseling to integrate her personalities and is a much better person, but until then she was . . . well psycho. My mother is also a very dominant person, although if you ask her she'll tell you she's that way cause T (my stepdad) won't do what needs to be done, so she has to. *shrugs* She also gives lip service to 'letting the man be the head of the house'.

My father is . . . well if you look emotionally unavailable up in a dictionary I'm sure their's a picture of him. He's also a recovering addict/alcoholic. When I was 2 the Army sent him to Germany. We stayed here in the states because he was becoming more and more abusive, and my mother was afraid to be with him. He got sober in Germany, but by then their marriage was prety much finished. Within six months of him returning my mom left him. We moved back to Minnesota and he didn't bother to keep track of where we were. My grandma, the one who just died, would fly out once or twice a year and spend a week with us, so when I was 8, and he decided he wanted to see us, he knew where we were. But he's a very selfish person. He's hugely better than he was when I was little but we're not close.

My step dad (who my mom's been with off ans on since I was 6) says he loves us like his own kids, but he doesn't. He never did. How he treats my little sister and his son is proof of that. He was never really emotionally available for me, he was for my sister. *shrugs* It wasn't an issue - I was a daddy's girl.

Maybe my need for domination is that my mother, the dominant one, is the one who stuck around. She was fucked up, but she did her best, which is more than my dad did. My husband is just like my mother, except well . . . you know, he's a guy. LOL My sisters boyfriends and her exhusband are like my dad, emotionally unavailable. I found in highschool that if I wasn't careful I gravitated toward men who were physically abusive, too. Also like my mother. huh


edited to add: That said, I don't think that how I was raised is all of it. Many, many people have childhoods like mine and not all of them do the same thing. Some would take the absolute lack of control I had as a child and turn it around, and become control hungry.

 

[cobblestonefog]

I was an only child for 10 years until my mom had my little brother. I've been a daddy's girl my entire life and before my little brother, I was quite the mommy's girl as well. So right now my mindset is a weird mixture of oldest and only child. I don't know how that ties in with me being submissive.

 

[Perfect_Trust]

Thanksfor all your thoughts, it's interesting to see how others relate (or not). It mostly came into my mind due to a discussion I recently had with someone who was trying to dig into my (somewhat murky) mind.

 

[satindesire]

This really struck a cord with me. My father, who was my world, suffered permanent brain damage when I was only 12 years old - at a time when I certainly needed him. We were never allowed to mourn as he continued to live with us until he died, but he was no longer himself at all after that. I also developed a deep need for connection to men. It had a profound impact on the gender of my partners rather than, I think, impacting my kink. While it didn't result in submissive tendencies, it did result in my seeking relationships with men a fair deal older than myself throughout my early 20s. I also think that it influenced the number of male, vs. female lovers I had when I was younger. Men far outnumbered women, despite the fact that my natural inclination is a 50/50 attraction to both... Addition: It also for years created in me a fear of an abandonment that until very recently effected my ability/willingness to fully experience intimacy. Neon

I was in the same boat as you, but instead of brain damage, I think the depression daddy had was keeping him from fully realizing just how badly I needed him.

Since he was put on antidepressants 2 years ago, our relationship is wonderful, and I love spending time with him. Soon after beginning the mend, I left my abusive boyfriend and found a new love with Sir. I don't doubt there is a strong correlation between the two events. Healthy relationship with daddy=self-love and self-worth=healthy relationship with men.

It's kind of sad that I depend so strongly on the love of my parents for my own self esteem, but I guess that's one of my quirks.

Many prayers for you Neon.

 

[Perfect_Trust]

I was in the same boat as you, but instead of brain damage, I think the depression daddy had was keeping him from fully realizing just how badly I needed him.

Since he was put on antidepressants 2 years ago, our relationship is wonderful, and I love spending time with him. Soon after beginning the mend, I left my abusive boyfriend and found a new love with Sir. I don't doubt there is a strong correlation between the two events. Healthy relationship with daddy=self-love and self-worth=healthy relationship with men.

It's kind of sad that I depend so strongly on the love of my parents for my own self esteem, but I guess that's one of my quirks.

Many prayers for you Neon.

Actually, this struck a chord with me too. My own father suffered a brain haemmoraghe (sp?) and it was around that time that I became particularly close to my brother. We pretty much got on with our own thing whilst my Mum was backwards & forwards to the hospital, then constantly caring for my father for months/years.

As I had been a Daddy's girl I probably looked to my brother to fill that void.

 

[zuzub]

I was systematically raped from the age of 4 to the age of 12 by a family friend. To this day, I try to stress to my friends and family that it's NOT strangers jumping out of a bush you have to worry about - sadly, it's the people you KNOW that represent the biggest threat to your children.

Anyway, the point would be that my introduction to sex was shameful and completely out of my control. However, it shaped my fantasies. I remember my mother saying "One thing that is NEVER acknowledged in abuse cases is that parts of it can feel good to the victim. That doesn't mean it isn't abuse, but 40 year man can find a little girl's clit."

So, I associate sex with domination and shame. For a very long time, I refused to admit it. And don't get me wrong, personally, I'm not big on shame. You have to be very strong to tolerate shame and I'm not. But domination, yes. Denying the fantasies never worked, so maybe embracing them in a healthy way will. Maybe I can still turn this around and make it work for ME.

If this is TMI, I apologize.

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

I was systematically raped from the age of 4 to the age of 12 by a family friend. To this day, I try to stress to my friends and family that it's NOT strangers jumping out of a bush you have to worry about - sadly, it's the people you KNOW that represent the biggest threat to your children.

Anyway, the point would be that my introduction to sex was shameful and completely out of my control. However, it shaped my fantasies. I remember my mother saying "One thing that is NEVER acknowledged in abuse cases is that parts of it can feel good to the victim. That doesn't mean it isn't abuse, but 40 year man can find a little girl's clit."

So, I associate sex with domination and shame. For a very long time, I refused to admit it. And don't get me wrong, personally, I'm not big on shame. You have to be very strong to tolerate shame and I'm not. But domination, yes. Denying the fantasies never worked, so maybe embracing them in a healthy way will. Maybe I can still turn this around and make it work for ME.

If this is TMI, I apologize.

It is not TMI as it directly answers the OPs question. Thank you for sharing you experience. It is very much like mine. Your mother was right BTW. To feel arousal during abuse can be very shaming to you later on and affect your self esteem. I think we can turn this around and make it work for ourselves. Like you I am at the point where denying the fantasies is no longer an option. I'm finally accepting that while my experience has shaped how I relate to sex and relationships that doesn't mean its automatically bad or shameful. I like what I like and want what I want and I've finally gotten to the point where analyzing it is just another way of avoiding becoming who I am.

Ivy