how can I get my wife interested in sex again? I have discussed this with her many times over the years with little or no results. This usually leaves me feeling udesireable or inadequate with my performance. I've had a couple of affairs with different women and they seemed happy with both my looks, personality and performance. Basically she says its not anything i'm doing wrong just that she doesn't have the desire. I'm just frustrated, depressed, and I guess a little hard up... (haha) is it unrealistic of me to want sex more than the 3 times i'm averaging a month? What can I do?Oh and did I mention she's not very open or comfortable discussing or trying new things. Your thoughts and or advice are most appreciated.
Have been married 23 years
- Thread starter look4u70
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overthebow
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look4u70 said:
You should see a counselor. There are probably issues that she hasn't/won't talk to you about, but she might talk to a counselor about them.
MelissaDyan
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If you've been married that long, I'm guess-timating she may be in her 40's? Perhaps she is having physical issues (pain?) that she hasn't been comfortable discussing?
all the input I get from her is that she hasn't any desire and that she feels uncomfortable about her appearance. A counciler is not an option as she does not believe in all that pyschiatric crap. I probably shouldn't have posted this question as there is probably no good answer that ya'll can actually give me. But ya'll are so smart thought it worth a try.
Bobmi357
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look4u70 said:
Lay it all out for her to see. Tell her how its making you feel, warn her that her attitude and lack of any attempt to correct the problem is endangering the relationship. Let her know you're not going to walk out on her today, but by the same token if you don't see any attempts on her part to take steps to fix the situation, you cannot promise what tomorrow will bring.
Don't fight, don't yell or scream. Lay it all on the table calmly and patiently. Explain how her attitude has hurt you and your relationship. Ask if there is anything you can do to help her.
There's no easy solution here. But the key is getting your spouse to recognize the damage being done. I was in the same boat for a couple years. My anger and resentment kept building until I realized that if I didn't do something, I would be heading into divorce #2. So I sat down with my wife and talked to her, poured out all the hurt and pain. Thankfully for us both I married a real smart lady (as well as beautiful). She understood I wasn't trying to attack her when we talked.
I won't say its been exactly easy these last few years. And it took a lot more than just one talk. But with each one, I could see her working hard to improve things. Things are a lot better now than they were. But I doubt she'll ever change into a raging sex kitten. "For better or worse " are words to live by, but when it gets worse, its up to both of you to try to make them better.
DirtyJJ
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Never say never.... there are a lot of people here and elsewhere that have had success at this type of issue. No, it's not unreasonable for you to want sex more than 3 times a month. You have gotten some good advice here - I am not sure I have any more answers for you as I am trying to figure out to turn my husband into a raging tiger...look4u70 said:
Best of luck to you - and don't feel like it's a hopeless case.
JJ
manofsteel52
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look4u70 said:
Boy, this is like dejavu all over again!
Before we had kids, my wife was a anywhere, anyplace, anytime kinda gal. First child, that door slammed shut. It wasn't all her in the beginning. We were young, starting a family, a business, building a house, it was a lot of hard work & long hours. We were both doing16 hour days, 7 days a week.
My sex drive was always more than hers, however, but when I was tired enough, it wasn't quite so important. We went through a really dry spell 5 or 6 years ago, though, once or twice a month, that was really brutal. It's a bit better now, but not much.
One big problem, I believe, is hormones. Powerful things they are.
When we do have sex, it's incredible. Better than ever. Just not a great deal of frequency.
Like you, we've been together a very long time. I love her to pieces, leaving is not an option for me.
One thing that helps is to do things that may help get her in the mood.
Things to help her relax, no strings attached.... foot rubs, massages, etc..
My workday starts & ends before hers, so I get up and make the coffe. I make dinner, greet her with a glass of wine when she gets home, help her relax, ask how her day was, etc.
A little depressurization goes a long way...
ButI really don't have ananswer for ya. Good luck!
Glistening Girl
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Very good advice given from everyone. I really agree with Bobmi357 in that you need to lay it out there to her. I have seen this sort of thing a lot with either the woman or the man. It is not good enough to just say you have no desire. She needs to find out why that is. Go to the doctor and have her hormone levels checked first off. You say "interested in sex again" so I am assuming she at one time liked having it.
I think we get lazy and take for granted our marrital duties in many cases. I firmly believe it is my job as a wife to please my husband sexually. Now that don't mean for me to do things that would go against my character or be forced to do something I really didn't want to do. But, I do feel that the spouse needs to put forth every effort to keep their partner satisfied.
Total communication that is open, loving and non-judgemental is needed here. Ask her why its OK for her to not have desire when you still do? Why is OK for you to have to suffer? I assume you are not asking her to do something unreasonable? Having sex with ones spouse is a reasonable request.
Best of luck.
I think we get lazy and take for granted our marrital duties in many cases. I firmly believe it is my job as a wife to please my husband sexually. Now that don't mean for me to do things that would go against my character or be forced to do something I really didn't want to do. But, I do feel that the spouse needs to put forth every effort to keep their partner satisfied.
Total communication that is open, loving and non-judgemental is needed here. Ask her why its OK for her to not have desire when you still do? Why is OK for you to have to suffer? I assume you are not asking her to do something unreasonable? Having sex with ones spouse is a reasonable request.
Best of luck.
Mr.G
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Just a thought
I was with my last SO for 21 years....sex life was good. Not outstanding but good. Through no fault of my own I discovered the GSpot Technique discussed in the TRY THIS AND REPORT BACK thread. My SO became almost insatiable. She wanted to cum ALL the time. Her self confidence went up. She oooozed sex all the time. Her smile was radiant to the point people at work started to ask her what was "up?" .
I did some research and it turns out that stimulating the nipples and the GSpot are the two BEST ways to stimulate the endorphene rush that in turn stimulates the production of Oxytocene in the brain. The more Oxy there is being produced the hornier they are. The hornier they are the more they want sex and the more they want to orgasm like banshees. The more they orgasm the more the brain produces GALLONS of oxytocene.
Try the GSpot technique. You just might be pleasantly surprised at a change in "attitude" There is no reason why a woman in her 40's ( SO was 46 when she died ) , 50's, 60's etc etc. Several (many) PMs and Emails state they are in their LATE 70's and because of the Technique, they've never had a better sex life than now. THAT is unbeliveably cool to hear so there IS still hope for her.... and you.
Good luck.
I was with my last SO for 21 years....sex life was good. Not outstanding but good. Through no fault of my own I discovered the GSpot Technique discussed in the TRY THIS AND REPORT BACK thread. My SO became almost insatiable. She wanted to cum ALL the time. Her self confidence went up. She oooozed sex all the time. Her smile was radiant to the point people at work started to ask her what was "up?" .
I did some research and it turns out that stimulating the nipples and the GSpot are the two BEST ways to stimulate the endorphene rush that in turn stimulates the production of Oxytocene in the brain. The more Oxy there is being produced the hornier they are. The hornier they are the more they want sex and the more they want to orgasm like banshees. The more they orgasm the more the brain produces GALLONS of oxytocene.
Try the GSpot technique. You just might be pleasantly surprised at a change in "attitude" There is no reason why a woman in her 40's ( SO was 46 when she died ) , 50's, 60's etc etc. Several (many) PMs and Emails state they are in their LATE 70's and because of the Technique, they've never had a better sex life than now. THAT is unbeliveably cool to hear so there IS still hope for her.... and you.
Good luck.
well i'm sorry for any inaccuracy in my profile for the record I'm 41 and have the grey hair to go with it. born 8/3/63 three kids one 20 16 and 4. I was 18 and she was 16 when we got married. actually been married about 22.7 years.. figured 23 was close enough and hmmmm what else...
anyway like I said or you have noticed i'm new and just made up a profile... figured it was a good way to be ten years younger
thank you for all the good advice everyone it was greatly appreciated
anyway like I said or you have noticed i'm new and just made up a profile... figured it was a good way to be ten years younger
thank you for all the good advice everyone it was greatly appreciated
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