Have you come out to your spouse?

[bi golly]

If you're not happy in the marriage...get out without saying anything in regards to sexuality. Once free, live life as you choose.

In the end, your happiness and well being both physically and emotionally is what is important.[/QUOTE]

My italics. That is just about as selfish as you can get. What are the metrics for happiness? How many people are 'unhappy' and change their lives in some significant way to become 'happy', only to not really change the way the feel?

There are kids in the mix. High conflict marriages are bad for kids. High conflict divorces are worse. The goal here is to be honest with your spouse and hope that she can come to grips with it. It isn't personal. You are sexually aroused by men. There is a part of you that wants fulfillment and you need a man for that. Get a counselor to help out.

 

[thickrod]

The big problem with letting her know ahead of getting married, was I was in denial myself about the whole thing. I didn't let myself 'realize it' until we had been married about 9 years.

I COMPLETELY understand this

 

[Mikijl Dragon]

Glad to hear you got the ball rolling. From what you typed here she is willing to make it work. I think being open and honest with each other from this point forward will give you a better understanding of each other. Sounds like you each grew apart for a long while. Take some time to get to know each other again. Give yourselves the option of loving the people you have become. If you find you cannot continue then let those dice roll as they may but you may also find that spark you fell in love with so long ago.

 

[lustatopia]

I have known a whole lot of guys in your situation and I really don't know the solution. I suspect that coming out to her would really ruin the status quo she has known all these years and she would feel it was unjust.

I enjoy sharing my wife sexually with other men and I have found that bi-curious closet guys in your situation make very reliable and trustworthy third partners. Perhaps, that's a possibility for you too.

Your story should serve as a cautionary tale to the young single people reading this. If you're ever going to be sexually complete you must begin sharing your most secret sexual fantasies with your lover(s) early on in the relationship. You'll be surprised how accepting your lovers will be, because your fantasies will influence theirs and vice versa.

I began tell my girlfriends that I was bisexual early in my college years because I was getting bored with the whole dating courtship thing and wanted to get right down to it. To my surprise I was never rebuked or out right rejected as some sort of pervert. Although relationships sometimes didn't work, there was always respect in the end. Instead, I found lovers who shared my sexual fantasies and added their own to mine.

 

[Lilith_The_Corrupted]

bump for a friend...hope you give an update soon!

 

[Ike_The_Spike]

OK, a lot has gone on in the last few weeks and I figure it's time for an update.

Over the past few weeks, we started counseling, and I've admitted to a string of infidelity, that range from a semi-regular affair with a woman from 1998 - 2000 (we probably slept together 6 times) that was definitely more than just sex to, three one night stands with 4 different men (2 of those were in a 3-some, so 3 'encounters' overall), to an intimate encounter with another lady this past week. I've come clean with all of it.

Something snapped with me recently and I found it more than a little difficult to control myself. I don't use that as an excuse, just an explanation as I can't quite understand how it all turned so quickly. I went from desperately not wanting to hurt my wife to doing everything I possibly could to do just that. Yes, this revelation at the last couples session has led to individual sessions, the first of which is tomorrow (a double actually).

We've apparently each got our own crap going on as I seem to do everything I can to break us apart and she keeps forgiving me then having sex with me that was hotter than the last time. Not to mention talking about making compromises like letting me go out and play on occasion. Being Catholic, this is huge considering allowing that is as much a sin as doing it. And if she really intends to allow it to keep happening she can't be absolved of it in confession.

It's beginning to seem like she is either a near saint when it comes to forgiveness, she has self-esteem issues, or is majorly co-dependent. Which will lead to her having individual sessions as well.

My destructive behavior on the other hand, has led to an immediate start of individual therapy, with the thought that it could be more easily measured in months than weeks.

After that is done, I think I'll have a better idea of the direction things are going. Right now, I'm kind of lost, but I think I have a compass.

 

[lustatopia]

...we started counseling, and I've admitted to a string of infidelity, that range from a semi-regular affair with a woman from 1998 - 2000 (we probably slept together 6 times) that was definitely more than just sex to, three one night stands with 4 different men (2 of those were in a 3-some, so 3 'encounters' overall), to an intimate encounter with another lady this past week. I've come clean with all of it.

Wow, man that is incredible progress! You started this thread totally in the closet with a wife who only could do one position and now you've told her in counseling you have had gay 3-way sex and not only has she taken it like a saint, but the sex at home has gotten hot???

Dude, that's a complete turn around. I think you should back off any destructive behaviors (assuming you love her and want to save the marriage.) Instead you slow go slow and let the wicked concepts of wild kinky sex settle in to the fabric of your marriage. Now that the bisexuality cat is out of the bag, I can imagine that your wife might have some curiosity as to what really goes on, you know, in some detail. Maybe those might be interesting things to talk about during foreplay?

Go slow. Be kind, gentle and honor her emotional limits... You've had a major breakthrough. With time and some serious creative thinking you might come to place of sexual and emotional fulfillment within the boundaries of your marriage.

 

[Programmer Cat]

I came out to my wife before we got married. She had admitted to being bi, so I confessed that my college roommate and I had been "gay until graduation". We've been married ten years. We never play behind each others' backs, but we invite close and trusted friends over to play about once a month.

 

[Ike_The_Spike]

If I had it to do over again, and I had admitted to myself that I was bi (not convincing myself I had just 'experimented'), I'd tell her I was bi and take my chances.

Either she accepts it, and you make whatever compromises you need to, she encourages it and you get to play with her knowledge, or she says 'hell no' and you move on.

My biggest issue was being honest with myself early on, then not being honest with her when I started to figure things out. If she (or he) can't accept your orientation, is she worth denying yourself to be with? I really don't think so.

I'd still like to see more input, I didn't want this to became a confession thread for me, as much as to help people in similar situations.

 

[Cabeza]

Wow, man that is incredible progress! You started this thread totally in the closet with a wife who only could do one position and now you've told her in counseling you have had gay 3-way sex and not only has she taken it like a saint, but the sex at home has gotten hot???

Dude, that's a complete turn around. I think you should back off any destructive behaviors (assuming you love her and want to save the marriage.) Instead you slow go slow and let the wicked concepts of wild kinky sex settle in to the fabric of your marriage. Now that the bisexuality cat is out of the bag, I can imagine that your wife might have some curiosity as to what really goes on, you know, in some detail. Maybe those might be interesting things to talk about during foreplay?

Go slow. Be kind, gentle and honor her emotional limits... You've had a major breakthrough. With time and some serious creative thinking you might come to place of sexual and emotional fulfillment within the boundaries of your marriage.

What he said.