Having Affair...Do men really want to be intimate?

[iamsamtoday]

I'm a married woman having an affair for about a month now with a married man. When we agreed to do this I told him I can't just fuck without really knowing you. Our first meeting we spent about an hour talking and getting to know each other. So far we have fucked four times, but we have not yet really had time to catch up on getting to know each other.

My question, do men really want to know their partner they screw or not really. I would like to spend more time getting to know this person and not so much feeling like a fuck partner. He's a very busy man, so time together is limited. Sex is amazing though.

Men out there am I asking for too much?

 

[Violette]

Yes, you are asking too much. (Sorry, but there's no pleasant way to say this.) Intimacy is a requirement that takes time, time which he doesn't have a lot of, especially if he wants to get to the sex right away, which most men usually do. You say you want to get to know him more, but in reality, that hour-long conversation may be all that HE needs to know! You've both got sexual needs...hell, who doesn't? But once that need is met, he's not required to fulfill any others you might have. To answer your question, sometimes men don't want to KNOW the person they screw; they just want to know ENOUGH to screw. In a scenario like that, intimacy, unfortunately, is a bit too much to ask.

 

[girlyboyalexa]

I'm going to follow up and, well be harsh I suppose. You are having an affair with someone else who is having an affair, why are you even expecting intimacy?

I know you may not be getting it in your marriage, but you have to be realistic.

 

[SweetErika]

It depends on the man. Some want more of a connection; others just want sex.

If you want more of a connection with this guy, you're probably best off telling him you need to catch up on getting to know each other, even if that means slowing down on the sex. He'll probably humor you even if he doesn't really want to get to know you better; if he doesn't, he might be an idiot because it doesn't sound like you're asking for much in exchange for sex.

If this is important to you, you should stand your ground and not get sexual before being intimate in the nonsexual way(s) you crave. If you continue to have sex without talking, you'll just be reinforcing that you don't mean what you say (which you've kind of already done by fucking him four times after talking for an hour - next time, get to know him to your satisfaction first, then open up sex as an option).

If he's unwilling or unable to meet your needs, there are plenty of fish in the sea. I'm sure you'll get at least a few propositions from men who claim to be seeking intimacy and fuckbuddies here.

 

[Bystander]

What level of getting to know each other are you asking for? As a guy if it were me in that situation, I wouldn't mind opening up a bit but I doubt I'd do it to the point it goes beyond a casual relationship. A lot depends on how things are at home with his wife. From what you said to me it sounds like he's not really looking to open up the relationship beyond sex. You could do what Erika suggested. If he wants sex he'll go along with it. If it exceeds his limits and doesn't meet yours then it probably wouldn't have lasted anyway right?

 

[cryforme1v]

'eh cheating. you're not worth a decent responce.
you want to have an affair - leave your husband.
dont be pathetic.

 

[infinity706]

I actually prefer getting to know people. It's just not something I require. Of course, a couple months ago, I had a married female friend that I had a sexually charged friendship with. We actually ended up being best of friends for the length of it despite the fact that there was no physical sex between us. I played with my fuck buddies and she had her toys in addition to the 3 or 4 times a month her husband fucked her.

 

[kaycee217]

I'm a married woman having an affair for about a month now with a married man. When we agreed to do this I told him I can't just fuck without really knowing you. Our first meeting we spent about an hour talking and getting to know each other. So far we have fucked four times, but we have not yet really had time to catch up on getting to know each other.

My question, do men really want to know their partner they screw or not really. I would like to spend more time getting to know this person and not so much feeling like a fuck partner. He's a very busy man, so time together is limited. Sex is amazing though.

Men out there am I asking for too much?

You might be asking for too much. People can have affairs for different reasons. Maybe your partner just wants sex, not intimacy. You seem to want both. You should probably talk to your partner about what you want. However, he may easily stop seeing you (for several possible reasons) or he may be willing to provide you the intimacy you want.

 

[KerrBear85]

When you involve intimacy you risk falling in love, which makes an already difficult marriage more difficult and often times breaks up families and ends in bitter divorce. Are you sure this is even what you're looking for? Are you confident you can merely be-friend this guy and not let your heart fall for him? Maybe he's aware of that possibility as seeming he is only interested in a person to bed himself with, he has no interest in risking an emotional relationship with his "fuck buddy".

 

[Lost_Yonder]

I think there are too many variables involved, particularly, what is the driving force for him, and you, to be having affairs? What was the initial attraction to one another - physical, mental, or just that you were both married looking for an escape, thus convenience?

I don't think intimacy is too much to ask for, or expect, though it may be from him. If so, you might have to find another. I, for one, enjoy the getting to know one another part and always feel a little cheated (not quite the right word) when she is too reserved to open up or herself only driven by sex.

It is a tricky path you are heading down though with lots of potential for hurt, pain, and other unpleasantries - you have to confront and accept the inevitable and if you aren't willing to risk everything, becareful what you wish for. Personally, I say power to you for seeking out what you need, but don't let it get ignored and remain unfulfilled...

 

[frdrcnjohn]

This is just my opinion. For me I would have to know the womans mind and want to be very intimate with her mentaly as much as physical. But that is just me

 

[TheCarver]

Some of this is going to sound harsh and maybe it should, but you are looking for intimacy in the wrong place. Two married people having an affair is not about intimacy, it's about desperation. Not the life or death desperation but more the "I'm missing something in my life" desperation. A lot of us have been there and there are a lot of people on Lit who seek out that missing factor. Don't let the ugly remarks get you down. I was increadibly desperate in my marriage to find something that had fallen to the side as well.

Men do want intimacy but so many are afraid of it. Intimacy for men can feel like a weakness that conflicts with society's expectations. We are conditioned from birth to be strong providers.

I can't speak for all mankind, but I do love intimacy and being in touch with a softer side of myself. It makes me more understanding and a hell of a lot more patient with others. I laugh more. I smile a lot more. I even like to shop with my SO. But it took a lot of trust to get to where I am.

There were so many times that I would open myself up emotionally only to have it stomped on by a very malicious woman, hence the fear of intimacy.

Hope this answers something for you.

 

[Fuckette]

I'm a married woman having an affair for about a month now with a married man. When we agreed to do this I told him I can't just fuck without really knowing you. Our first meeting we spent about an hour talking and getting to know each other. So far we have fucked four times, but we have not yet really had time to catch up on getting to know each other.

My question, do men really want to know their partner they screw or not really. I would like to spend more time getting to know this person and not so much feeling like a fuck partner. He's a very busy man, so time together is limited. Sex is amazing though.

Men out there am I asking for too much?

No but you can fuck over your husband who has no clue what a worthless piece of shit you are.

 

[Black_pantyhose]

Your post sounds like someone who is unhappy in their marraige (for whatever reasons) and is seeking out intimacy, friendship and ultimately a relationship with someone else while trying not to admit they are unhappy in their relationship.

Your "fuck-buddy" sounds like he has the better end of the deal - he's having no strings attached sex while you are trying to attach strings without appearing needy. You want a relationship. He clearly doesn't.

My advice would be to address the ACTUAL problem here - the problem isn't that your fuck buddy won't commit to you. It's that you are breaking your commitment to your husband, nevermind yourself.

 

[crashD]

so easy for the preachers to stand on a soapbox and criticize. You know nothing of her situation.

 

[Black_pantyhose]

so easy for the preachers to stand on a soapbox and criticize. You know nothing of her situation.

That's very true and some of the replies have been unnecessarily harsh.

However, the OP did post on an sex-topic internet message board, attempted to describe her situation and asked for opinions. I'm not really sure what you expect the response to be.

 

[satindesire]

so easy for the preachers to stand on a soapbox and criticize. You know nothing of her situation.

I'm going to say....no. We don't know her situation. HOWEVER, when have you ever heard of a woman sleeping around on her husband ever ending well, with no one getting hurt? Affairs are incredibly selfish, let's be honest here.

You can't fault these people for being upset at this woman. She's choosing not only to put her wants ahead of her husband's, but she's also hurting her lover's wife and family by sleeping with her lover. She's being incredibly selfish, thinking of herself above everyone else she is hurting.

Emotionally mature, healthy people do not have affairs. They get therapy, or divorces.

 

[chromecockring]

so easy for the preachers to stand on a soapbox and criticize. You know nothing of her situation.

I'm not so sure anyone is preaching here. It's not unsolicited bible thumping here. iamsamtoday posted a query and asked for advice, so anyone that offers up an opinion is just answering that call. Any responses (criticism or praise) of her situation was requested. I see that iamsamtoday tried her best to explain fully her situation too and if there's any misinformation here, it behooves her to clarify the situation.

 

[Rockitballs]

"My question, do men really want to know their partner they screw or not really."

All men, and women, are different. Some may want to know their partners and some don't. It is far more personality dependent than gender dependent.

I haven't really had any affairs, but I've had a few one nighters and I personally had no interest to be intimate. It was more about sex and I am quite sure that the ladies felt the same way. Intimacy is for serious relationships IMO.

I'm not going to criticize you for having an affair, but take some time to really think through what you are doing. This isn't something you can just wake up one morning and wash off. All situations are different, but as a very wise women stated earlier "affairs are incredibly selfish".

 

[newbiebabe]

I'm a married woman having an affair for about a month now with a married man. When we agreed to do this I told him I can't just fuck without really knowing you. Our first meeting we spent about an hour talking and getting to know each other. So far we have fucked four times, but we have not yet really had time to catch up on getting to know each other.

My question, do men really want to know their partner they screw or not really. I would like to spend more time getting to know this person and not so much feeling like a fuck partner. He's a very busy man, so time together is limited. Sex is amazing though.

Men out there am I asking for too much?

IAMSAMTODAY:

I am commenting on your post with no judgement. What you do is your own business. That said, it appears you have given off a mixed message to this man... you told him you would not do the deed without really knowing him and then you spend one hour talking and then fall into bed with him. Do you really think that you get to know someone in ONE hour? And again to top it off, you fall into bed again three more times. These actions tell him that you received in the hour all you needed to know.

I am reading by your statement, "but we have not yet really had time to catch up on getting to know each other" that you both are having sex without any talk "foreplay" or "follow-up" which is what you believe will give you the deep intimacy that you desire.

While not sure what problems or even if there are problems in your marriages driving you both to an affair,(and it is really none of anyone's business so don't feel compelled to share if you don't want to), you need to realize that the type of intimacy it appears you desire usually does not accompany an affair. Of course it depends on one's definition of intimacy but many men have the intimacy they need from their spouse and make the decision to an affair because they are not getting the sex that they desire in their spousal relationship or face it, they are just horndogs. Sex does not equal intimacy, but it can enhance it once it is already there. And of course, we all know, intimacy is not needed for sex.

If your expectation of this relationship is a deeply intimate one that is enhanced by sex, then I would suggest that you take a step back and share this with him but also find out what his expectations of the relationship are so that you can see if you are both on the same page. If you are not, then for your own sake move on.. you are only setting yourself up for pain and disappointment.

 

[MisterSir]

so easy for the preachers to stand on a soapbox and criticize. You know nothing of her situation.

She's having an affair, that's all I need to know to think she's morally scum.

Good talk.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

She's having an affair, that's all I need to know to think she's morally scum.

Good talk.

and many think you are too, as well as myself, and the hundreds of others who post in these forums, read the stories, and write them.

Rumi says something to the effect that in judging others we are merely looking into a mirror...

 

[wylieok]

I'm a married woman having an affair for about a month now with a married man. When we agreed to do this I told him I can't just fuck without really knowing you. Our first meeting we spent about an hour talking and getting to know each other. So far we have fucked four times, but we have not yet really had time to catch up on getting to know each other.

My question, do men really want to know their partner they screw or not really. I would like to spend more time getting to know this person and not so much feeling like a fuck partner. He's a very busy man, so time together is limited. Sex is amazing though.

Men out there am I asking for too much?

Not sure why after only a few casual, or not so casual encounters that you gave him the green, floor it, sign for sex. Men are animals, and we usually let only one head do the thinking most of the time. You need to apply the brakes and decide whether to continue on the path, that's been laid out in the bed. Or, step back and punt, and get to know each other. Be advised, we would rather have sex than talk, and we surely aren't capable of doing both at the same time. Hint, if you want to talk with the bigger head, you have to the put the lil head, down for the night. Anyways, sure this is as clear as Mississippi Mud, but face it , men aren't complicated, we are just want to drink beer and see someone naked. And if by some amazing miracle, watch NASCAR, the Triple Crown. Many a man has tried, most walk away in disgust, shaking their heads, but some strive toward the Trifecta of Glory. Please don't take all of this for the Gospel, but there is more truth in these words, but as men, we will never admit it.

 

[iamsamtoday]

WOW, thanks everyone for your input. I wasn't sure how much of my story I should have shared. However, I see those who did share your thoughts based on the information I did give, some of it was helpful, (newbiebabe; the carver; lost yonder; bystander and sweet erika). I really just wanted to see what other people thought. And to see if most men want just sex and no intimacy. I guess it really depends on the man.

And for those who think I'm scum, well really, falling in love, divorce? Not going to happen. I know my own boundries. And people sometimes, divorce is not always the answer. It's so easy to call it quits, isn't it.

Thanks again, it was fun ready everyone's response.

 

[satindesire]

WOW, thanks everyone for your input. I wasn't sure how much of my story I should have shared. However, I see those who did share your thoughts based on the information I did give, some of it was helpful, (newbiebabe; the carver; lost yonder; bystander and sweet erika). I really just wanted to see what other people thought. And to see if most men want just sex and no intimacy. I guess it really depends on the man.

And for those who think I'm scum, well really, falling in love, divorce? Not going to happen. I know my own boundries. And people sometimes, divorce is not always the answer. It's so easy to call it quits, isn't it.

Thanks again, it was fun ready everyone's response.

Uuuhhh....yeah. Yeah, it is.

See, people have free will, and people make choices. Whether it's a hard choice, or an easy choice, it's still a choice.

And when you choose to hurt people rather than do something difficult, well...I dunno, that just looks bad. You know?

Whether you're dressing yourself, preparing food to eat, or just getting up to go about your day, those are all your choices that you consciously make. And you made a choice to get involved with a married man when you are married as well.

When you take the path of least resistance based on your own personal desires, forgetting that your choices affect people beyond just yourself, that is a very poor frame of mind to have.

Just a word of warning...Karma isn't some ghostly figure that floats around targeting murderers and child molesters...it works in a very real way for everyone. And one day, something very terrible will happen to you that will hurt you a great deal, and you should not wonder for one second why.