Help with my wife.

[comairboy77]

I recently found out that my wife was attracted to this one particular woman. My wife is 26 W F and this other woman is 41 B F. They talk all the time and kissed severa times. I went snooping through my wifes dirty clothes and found dried white stuff in her panties and a very musky smell. How can I find out if she has gone all the way with this woman. does that mean anything by me finding this in her panties.

 

[Mr. Mann]

Ask her.

Don't accuse her. (Remember Othello?)

Be prepared not to judge her. Approach her in a way that is supportive and understanding.

It could be a litle crush that, in the big picture, means nothing. It could be something significant. Iin either case, anger, fear, and resentment won't help.

Try to imagine if you were going through something that powerful with anther person. Would you want her to demonstrate grace and wisdom with you, or not?

Show her that you can handle it if she is totally honest with her and give her time.

Any such situation as this is usually made worse by secrecy and lies, but with total honesty, it can be dealt with in a mature and open manner.

That's the best I can tell you, but I know it doesn't make things any easier.

Try to let the part of you that loves her no matter what make the decisions, not the part of you that may be scared or angry.

 

[AppleBiter]

I recently found out that my wife was attracted to this one particular woman. My wife is 26 W F and this other woman is 41 B F. They talk all the time and kissed severa times. I went snooping through my wifes dirty clothes and found dried white stuff in her panties and a very musky smell. How can I find out if she has gone all the way with this woman. does that mean anything by me finding this in her panties.

Definitely talk to your wife. Communication is key, here, and you're going to catch more flies with honey. In other words, if you have a gentle approach, she will be more apt to discuss things with you.

As far as the underwear situation goes, we women have secretions. *shrugs* It's just part of being a girl. It doesn't necessarily mean she was sexually excited or anything else. It just happens. It's usually clear, but can dry clear or white. Don't even give the underwear thing a second thought.

Hope this helps.

Apple

 

[carverII]

I want to echo what the two previous posters have said. Communication is very important right now. Open communication, not a yelling match or outright confrontation. That will get you no where.

Also, this isn't as unusual as you might think. She might be looking for a way to express something inside her that she can't necessarily express with you. It's not that you are lacking, it's that she is looking for an avenue.

Just don't make the mistake that I did and try to sweep it under the rug or make it into something that it isn't. Kids-gloves work really well. Otherwise you will run the chance of some really deep resentment. And....This is not about you. Don't even start thinking that or your relationship is over. As long as you respect her, honor her and love her without regard, you are not doing anything wrong and it's not about you not satisfying her.

One last thing. Don't try and make this into a open marriage situation. That is a nail in the coffin. Just reassure her of your committment and love. Let her deal with this.

 

[Norajane]

If you recently 'found out' that your wife was attracted to her friend, I imagine she was the one who told you about it. Keep talking with her about her attraction, ask her what it means to her, tell her it makes you nervous, tell her you're uncomfortable, ask her if she is wants to do anything about the attraction, discuss what fidelity and monogamy means to you and your marriage, ask her what monogamy means to her, ask her....

Snooping around her underwear isn't going to tell you anything except what part of her menstrual cycle she's in. As Apple said, women have secretions, and they're different according to her ovulation cycle. Snooping also tends to breed more susupicion and creates distance. Communicating with her is the way to go.

Attraction doesn't mean she will do anything, especially if you both feel the same way about monogamy in your relationship.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Yeah forget the panties. Don't even get me started on Cervical Mucus and vaginal secretions!

There's one question though that hasn't been asked yet. How do you really feel about this? Does the thought of her being attracted to another woman bother you? Does the thought turn you on? How would you feel if she did want to go all the way with her? Would it matter if you were involved in the encounter? What if she HAS already pursued this relationship?

These are questions you need to answer for yourself and then talk to her about it. Even if you don't have a clear understanding of how you feel, at least consider all those feelings before talking to her. Even if you are upset about this, you need to approach it in a non-confrontational manner. If she is at all confused about how she feels come at her too strong will only make it worse and that won't help you talk it out.

 

[comairboy77]

thank you for all your advice

After she told me about her feelings for this woman she has changed. She tells me that she wants to leave me and be by herself. She has also told me that she is scared to talk to me.

 

[vanelane]

After she told me about her feelings for this woman she has changed. She tells me that she wants to leave me and be by herself. She has also told me that she is scared to talk to me.

Ouch! Scared to talk to you? I assume there are other problems in the marriage if she's leaving you, but I hate to think *she* thinks having these feelings mean she must be gay, must not love you, must leave you, etc. What is she afraid of? Following the advice of previous posters to let her know you love her no matter what and she can tell you what she's feeling, no matter what, seems supremely important now. Good luck.

 

[Norajane]

After she told me about her feelings for this woman she has changed. She tells me that she wants to leave me and be by herself. She has also told me that she is scared to talk to me.

Leave you, as in end your marriage? Or leave you, as in take some time away to think about things. Either way, I'd suggest seeing a marriage counselor at this point. If your wife is certain that she wants to end your marriage, there's probably not a lot a counselor can help you with to change her decision. But it will help you and your wife talk about the issue and make sure you both understand each other.

 

[Eilan]

My wife is 26 W F and this other woman is 41 B F.

And this is relevant to your situation in what way?

I went snooping through my wifes dirty clothes and found dried white stuff in her panties and a very musky smell.

Snooping through one's partner's belongings, whether it's email/other correspondence or clothing, is very uncool. If I found out that my husband did this, I'd be much less likely to communicate honestly and openly with him, even if I had nothing to hide.

 

[carverII]

After she told me about her feelings for this woman she has changed. She tells me that she wants to leave me and be by herself. She has also told me that she is scared to talk to me.

as we say around here.......


it's time to cut bait and leave. If she is having these feelings and her only option is not being with you, the two of you need to reconsider your relationship. If she is willing to see a martital counsler, try that. If not, you might want to get out of the relationship before you invest any more emotions into it.

But that is only my opinion and if it was worth anything I'd be a therapist and making better money that I do.

 

[Aspect]

So you found crusties on your wife's underware. I bet there are crusties on yours as well. That doesn't mean anything.

What is telling is that you immediately assumed that she's cheating on you. This insecurity and the communication issues between the two of you are the real issues at hand.

If you two cannot communicate between each other freely and are having intimacy issues (NOT SEX ISSUES - true intimacy) then you both need to get help. See a counselor seperately to work out any issues that you bring to the relationship, then as a couple when the counselors think you are ready.

Good luck

 

[comairboy77]

thanks.

Just to give you a little more info. The relevance of the age and race factor is that she has had an affair on me in the past with a black man and got pregnant. I am not racist but I couldnt raise the child knowing wasnt mine. so she gave it up for adoption. now she is having htese feelings for tis older woman of race. See the relevance. I love her to death and have gone to a counselor with her one time. We have set up other appointments to go but yesterday she told me that she can not go to those. She has told me that a counselor would not help her feelings and she would only go for me.

 

[Norajane]

Just to give you a little more info. The relevance of the age and race factor is that she has had an affair on me in the past with a black man and got pregnant. I am not racist but I couldnt raise the child knowing wasnt mine. so she gave it up for adoption. now she is having htese feelings for tis older woman of race. See the relevance. I love her to death and have gone to a counselor with her one time. We have set up other appointments to go but yesterday she told me that she can not go to those. She has told me that a counselor would not help her feelings and she would only go for me.

I'm sorry, but I think it's time you accepted that your marriage isn't working for either one of you.

 

[Straight-8]

Time to punt Buddy!

 

[comairboy77]

Well i guess everybody is right but i was brought up that it aint over till she actually leaves.she still climbs into bed with me at night so I guess that is a good sine. Or should I just face it and tell her to leave

 

[Norajane]

Well i guess everybody is right but i was brought up that it aint over till she actually leaves.she still climbs into bed with me at night so I guess that is a good sine. Or should I just face it and tell her to leave

- She has had an affair once already, resulting in pregnancy
- She has professed an attraction to another woman, someone she has kissed already
- You don't trust her, which is why you are seeking evidence of her cheating
- She has told you that she wants to leave
- She told you she is afraid to talk to you about this
- She does not want to go to counseling with you because she doesn't believe it will change her feelings

Only you know what's best in your situation, but I don't see what will change for the better unless you both want to work on your marriage to save it.

 

[Mr. Mann]

I gotta retract my earlier advice based on new information.

Dude... is your middle name "Doormat"?

Love her all you want... but if what you describe is how she treats people she cares about, then you better either like being treated that way or be ready to take your ball and go home.

Your life. Your choice. Best of luck to you!

 

[comairboy77]

More info for everybody.
The reason i am willing to stick this out till the end is because there is 3 kids involved in this marriage.

 

[comairboy77]

Mr Mann you are the second person that has told me that I guess I cant face the truth like everbody tells me.

 

[wicked woman]

More info for everybody.
The reason i am willing to stick this out till the end is because there is 3 kids involved in this marriage.

You might want to read this thread especially the answers to the second question.

 

[Mr. Mann]

How many of them are YOUR kids? If you don't mind my asking.

 

[comairboy77]

all three are my kids

 

[Mr. Mann]

Just to give you a little more info. The relevance of the age and race factor is that she has had an affair on me in the past with a black man and got pregnant. I am not racist but I couldnt raise the child knowing wasnt mine. so she gave it up for adoption. now she is having htese feelings for tis older woman of race. See the relevance. I love her to death and have gone to a counselor with her one time. We have set up other appointments to go but yesterday she told me that she can not go to those. She has told me that a counselor would not help her feelings and she would only go for me.

Sorry. Got confused... forgot the adoption part

Tough situation. Best wishes.

 

[Straight-8]

there is 3 kids involved in this marriage.

I don't think that changes the advice in the final analysis BUT it does mean there are three other very important people whose interests have to be considered. My own view is that kids do not benefit from a disfunctional marriage hanging together 'for the kids sake'. But you've got your own agenda too (i.e. you want her back). I think you DO need counselling to get your mind focussed on a) the kids needs and b) your needs. Hope you get a good counsellor and can find the strength to deal with this. Good luck.