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How did you realize you are polyamorous? Am I polyam?

How I ended up being poly:
Single at college, a guy I met asked me to be nice to a friend of his (he'd previously gone out with her) who'd just returned from a year abroad and was lonely. Me and her got together. Then she pushed off for another year abroad. Me and him got together. Then she returned, and the answer seemed obvious. She then went away again, and returned in an relationship with a guy, so that was the end of that, but in the meantime I'd got to know a large bisexual network which included lots of poly people.

Most of the crowd settled into couples by their 30s, though with a lot of cuddling and flirting with other friends. A few ended up with three or four in a relationship. And a bunch ended up in couples who each with other partners on the side - like me. It's like having close friends you do other things with, only those things can include sex. I only know a couple cases where a couple include one monogamous and one poly person - both have the mono person with a very time-consuming hobby that's like a relationship.

I might have given up trying to be poly, once I had kids and health issues etc, but I already had the partners and didn't want to dump anyone... In reality, I ended up seeing one person weekly or so, and the one I live with, and any dates with anyone else got further between. Poly is actually great practice for having kids - that shock a lot of monogamous men have, realising they ain't no.1 in their girlfriend's life any more, just didn't happen for us.

Poly can also work if you're into BDSM and do different things with different people. But quite frankly the biggest perk is just not having that angst over what your spouse might be up to. I recall one party we had when we had to figure out who would sleep where after. Eventually we realised everyone could have a comfortable bed, if I was willing to share with the spouse's partner's bloke. It was confirmed he was a perfect gentleman and rarely snored, so I went to bed with him. We chatted a while, got to know each other better, and went to sleep, snuggling a bit because it was cold. We could have had sex, but just weren't really interested! A remarkably fun sleepover, really. My boyfriend painted my nails in the morning, I think.

Been nearly 30 years now - even my mum's stopped calling it a phase...
 
Kumquatqueen said:
How I ended up being poly:
Single at college, a guy I met asked me to be nice to a friend of his (he'd previously gone out with her) who'd just returned from a year abroad and was lonely. Me and her got together. Then she pushed off for another year abroad. Me and him got together. Then she returned, and the answer seemed obvious. She then went away again, and returned in an relationship with a guy, so that was the end of that, but in the meantime I'd got to know a large bisexual network which included lots of poly people.

Most of the crowd settled into couples by their 30s, though with a lot of cuddling and flirting with other friends. A few ended up with three or four in a relationship. And a bunch ended up in couples who each with other partners on the side - like me. It's like having close friends you do other things with, only those things can include sex. I only know a couple cases where a couple include one monogamous and one poly person - both have the mono person with a very time-consuming hobby that's like a relationship.

I might have given up trying to be poly, once I had kids and health issues etc, but I already had the partners and didn't want to dump anyone... In reality, I ended up seeing one person weekly or so, and the one I live with, and any dates with anyone else got further between. Poly is actually great practice for having kids - that shock a lot of monogamous men have, realising they ain't no.1 in their girlfriend's life any more, just didn't happen for us.

Poly can also work if you're into BDSM and do different things with different people. But quite frankly the biggest perk is just not having that angst over what your spouse might be up to. I recall one party we had when we had to figure out who would sleep where after. Eventually we realised everyone could have a comfortable bed, if I was willing to share with the spouse's partner's bloke. It was confirmed he was a perfect gentleman and rarely snored, so I went to bed with him. We chatted a while, got to know each other better, and went to sleep, snuggling a bit because it was cold. We could have had sex, but just weren't really interested! A remarkably fun sleepover, really. My boyfriend painted my nails in the morning, I think.

Been nearly 30 years now - even my mum's stopped calling it a phase...
Click to expand...
Thank you for sharing that. It is so very beautiful. It is what I long for. Close friends to spend time with and also snuggle, flirt, delight in sex. And go out for pizza, play board games, dance, work out with, veg on the couch. Just talk. Hug.
 
Lotus_Kitty said:
Thank you for sharing that. It is so very beautiful. It is what I long for. Close friends to spend time with and also snuggle, flirt, delight in sex. And go out for pizza, play board games, dance, work out with, veg on the couch. Just talk. Hug.
Click to expand...
There are many jokes about the apparent correlation between poly people and board gamers!

Do poly people get into gaming because they happen to have enough people about, or do board gamers become poly because it helps provide enough players? Or is it simply that if you can manage scheduling of various dates, balancing your supplies of indigo vs building town infrastructure, or whatever, seems easy and fun in comparison?
 
Poly to me is something that is a long term relationship in a live in situation.
Anything other than that in my mind is just playing with others.
Closet thing I feel I ever came to being in a poly relationship was when wife's besties marriage was on the rocks.
She spent time with us at night and some weekends as her husband worked opposite shift.
Wife and her were not afraid to be even out in public letting people see us as a throuple.
It to me was a love triangle more tgan a poly relationship.
 
MaturemanAJ said:
Poly to me is something that is a long term relationship in a live in situation.
Anything other than that in my mind is just playing with others.
Closet thing I feel I ever came to being in a poly relationship was when wife's besties marriage was on the rocks.
She spent time with us at night and some weekends as her husband worked opposite shift.
Wife and her were not afraid to be even out in public letting people see us as a throuple.
It to me was a love triangle more tgan a poly relationship.
Click to expand...
How was the sex? Did her hubby know?
 
TonyF862 said:
How was the sex? Did her hubby know?
Click to expand...
They were one of the couples we swapped with until their relationship started to go bad.
His drinking had gotten out of hand and he would become violent with her in private.
We were the place to get away from it.
The three of us had fun in and out of bed. She was the one female that unspoken got the green light from my spouse to have a sexual relationship with me without having to ask each time.
She was awesome no matter where you had sex and we did alot of variety in that regard.
Fmf, mff, ff, mf with either with the other watching or sometimes asleep next to us.
I do believe had she not remarried we probably would of been poly.

We have another female friend that some people thing we are a throuple but we are just close, no sex involved.
Flirting oh yes but there is a line we don't cross
 
MaturemanAJ said:
They were one of the couples we swapped with until their relationship started to go bad.
His drinking had gotten out of hand and he would become violent with her in private.
We were the place to get away from it.
The three of us had fun in and out of bed. She was the one female that unspoken got the green light from my spouse to have a sexual relationship with me without having to ask each time.
She was awesome no matter where you had sex and we did alot of variety in that regard.
Fmf, mff, ff, mf with either with the other watching or sometimes asleep next to us.
I do believe had she not remarried we probably would of been poly.

We have another female friend that some people thing we are a throuple but we are just close, no sex involved.
Flirting oh yes but there is a line we don't cross
Click to expand...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and story here. I appreciate it. I hope your friend is safe from violence now that she has remarried.
 
Lotus_Kitty said:
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and story here. I appreciate it. I hope your friend is safe from violence now that she has remarried.
Click to expand...
She is but I am afraid she has fallen for a narcissist. On the outside makes everything look great, on the inside he tracks all her movements by phone and when she goes out he calls her immediately.
 
MaturemanAJ said:
She is but I am afraid she has fallen for a narcissist. On the outside makes everything look great, on the inside he tracks all her movements by phone and when she goes out he calls her immediately.
Click to expand...
Oh no. Such people don't change. I do hope she ends up with someone who will treat her with genuine love and respect. At least she has good friends looking out for her.
 
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