how do i beat shyness?

[Torreyjs]

well i dont know if this is a problem or not but i feel inadequate

first off im not a shy person in general, though i stick to bein alone sometimes im cetainly no loner
i used to and would like to continue doing stand up comedy (i did it in school for a couple of years in front of only like 100 strangers at a time but its a step)
im open not afraid to stir controversy (bwah haha) always outgoing f thats how u say it

however!
i cant bring this personality into the bedroom at all
its night and day for me im so shy and totally submissive
its pretty much a turn off when i have been the dominant one, or even think of being dominant

i need help


so i needs help

 

[human_male]

I don't know for sure but I think some people tend to be either dominant or submissive in the bedroom. It's not a case of overcoming something, it's a case of how you're wired up. Is it a problem? I can see it being an issue if you're a man becaues I wouldn't think most women would like that, but either way couldn't you just find someone who's dominant and who likes that you're submissive?

I know that's not terribly helpful, but just take it as a vote of support. I just don't like seeing people seeing something that's simply an element of their personality as some sort of flaw (although I could be wrong).

 

[Torreyjs]

yes im a guy and its a big problem because like all chicks want to be submissive and so do i

so then im left goin well im turned off with bein dominant pretty much
my only saving grace really is the fact that im turned on by pleasin girls

i just like bein told what to do in bed and all that

i dunno im broken i guess

 

[human_male]

yes im a guy and its a big problem because like all chicks want to be submissive and so do i

so then im left goin well im turned off with bein dominant pretty much
my only saving grace really is the fact that im turned on by pleasin girls

i just like bein told what to do in bed and all that

i dunno im broken i guess

Well I can see how that would be a problem, but you're not broke, so don't lose heart. If you're actually getting girls into bed you're half way there and that's a fuck sight better than I manage so don't beat yourself up.

 

[lil_squirter]

How do I beat shyness?


With a large gregarious stick.

 

[Torreyjs]

well im certainly no pimp daddy
but i try to be sweet thats prolly my other savin grace

 

[Cardinalduke]

Are you always the one to initiate sex? And if so, are you having a problem with that?

I have needed to go from being a gentle lover to a more dominant, more physical lover in the past. What helped me was focusing on her reaction. You really need to know what makes her tick in the bedroom. If you take small steps and try to be a bit more aggressive/dominant and she reacts positively....feed off that reaction if you can.

Conversely, you can many different approaches. One thing you might try is focusing on variety. You don't have to be in control or dominant over her to have her guessing what your next move will be. Try being the one to change positions during intercourse or to suggest new things for example.

If you really want to change your innate nature in the bedroom, we'll do what we can to help. You have to make that decision as to whether you want to step out of your comfort zone.

 

[lil_squirter]

however!
i cant bring this personality into the bedroom at all
its night and day for me im so shy and totally submissive
its pretty much a turn off when i have been the dominant one, or even think of being dominant

i need help


so i needs help

Since the joke failed I thought I'd give a serious answer a try.

Why is your submissive behavior a problem? I myself an submissive by nature, trained to switch. I was very fortunate to be trained and guided by a Dom who understood the nature of submission and Dominance. He showed me how to use my nature to become dominant. Yes, it is true and actually surprisingly easy.

If your submission includes wanting to be the one offering pleasure then by all means do so, ask your partner how she wants you to behave and if she wants you to be dominant then take that as her order to you. In order to serve and pleasure her you must assume Dominance. Since you enjoy the submission yourself, you have a HUGE advantage; knowing the feelings and desires of one who submits. You can use that to turn it around and all the while you are submitting to her desires as any well trained sub would do.

There are many many ways to turn submission into a more dominant role in the bedroom, I have taken the lessons with me and never once regretted them for a second.

Best of luck to you! And keep up the comedy! The worlds needs more laughter.

 

[Torreyjs]

i love to please
to me its what makes me happiest (and them if i did a god enough job)
but i find it exceptionally difficult to take charge
maybe im stil nervous
mostly i just like bein conrtolled i think

 

[Torreyjs]

maybe, just maybe, i need to do that laether and whips thing

 

[emap]

What Lil said. Dang she's smart for a squirter.

However, if you don't want to do that and just want to be the little sex toy for a woman, or man, you will find it works best for you to do up personal ads on the sites for those lifestyles. Probably won't net you a mistress from those, but it will allow you to talk to people and find the D/s conventions and get togethers in your area. I am sure there are alot more submissive men than you think, just hard to tell because they aren't submissive besides in bed like you.

 

[lil_squirter]

What Lil said. Dang she's smart for a squirter.

However, if you don't want to do that and just want to be the little sex toy for a woman, or man, you will find it works best for you to do up personal ads on the sites for those lifestyles. Probably won't net you a mistress from those, but it will allow you to talk to people and find the D/s conventions and get togethers in your area. I am sure there are alot more submissive men than you think, just hard to tell because they aren't submissive besides in bed like you.

Geeee thanks.

ANyway, I thought I would also toss in here...there is nothing at all wrong with being submissive should that be your thing. If you are submissive then don't hook up with submissive women. Look for a more dominate female. The ads are a very good place to start and from there you will learn to, hate to use the term but, network into the community.

After a while it becomes very easy to spot a Dom/Domme by the way he or she carries themselves. Aside from closet Dom/Dommes of course.

 

[Torreyjs]

i dunno but i always just imagine and prefer to be controlled

and i guess i could/should try that idea squirtster thx for idea i wouldve never thot of that

 

[bayoujuju]

I'm a girl who's not attractive in a coventional way but I've always gotten the guy or girl I was attracted to b/c I approached them in a confident, non-agressive manner. I'm not special by any means, and I don't have any tricks, and sometimes I have the lowest self esteem but I never let it stop me from getting the things or people I want.

Like the almighty clitoris said

Chicks dig a guy(or girl) with confidence!

 

[jerseyman1963]

i love to please
to me its what makes me happiest (and them if i did a god enough job)
but i find it exceptionally difficult to take charge
maybe im stil nervous
mostly i just like bein conrtolled i think

It sounds like this is getting you down, and I just wanted to jump in here and say it shouldn't. Hollywood and the mass media may make it seem like you should just know how to be "a man" according to their definition in the bedroom, but that's one superficial version of life. The fact is, unless you're Don Juan reincarnated, at age 18 you're just starting to figure it out for yourself according to your terms.

Think about it this way: it's not about changing yourself to meet what you think is someone else's expectations, it's about finding someone else who is compatible with yours.

First of all, there are plenty of women in this world who like to be the aggressive and dominant one. Somewhere out there is a woman saying, "I like to be aggressive in bed and all my lovers are turned off because I am not a girlie girl." You just have to find her.

Second, you might just have a language problem. It's all how you portray it. Don't say to a potential partner, "Maybe I'm still nervous," say, "I love to please." Being nervous is natural, we all are at some point or another, but in the public relations game of meeting someone, it's not attractive. (Sad, but true.) I took both those lines from your last post as examples of how to say something positive instead of something that is a potential turn off.

It also sounds like you might be confusing quantity with quality. That's just a guess, but don't be so anxious to hop in the sack. Relax. Have lots of conversation. Nothing better than a good innuendo laden conversation to charge the batteries and get a woman interested in you. It'll give you an opportunity to objectively assess if you think she's compatible with you.

And I guarantee that at some point, if you portray your sexual interests in a positive light (I love to please), it will make your potential partners interested and turned on by whatever you do.

Last, if you're still doing stand up comedy, turn this into material. You've got the mic, bro. Use it. Most of us have to go about these things one person at a time. You've got a golden opportunity to broadcast to a room full of women what works for you and what doesn't, and even make it funny. I guarantee someone's going to come forward and sympathize, or bat her eyelashes and say something like, "Are you really the way you described yourself on stage?" You'll be off to the races.

 

[human_male]

I'm a girl who's not attractive in a coventional way but I've always gotten the guy or girl I was attracted to b/c I approached them in a confident, non-agressive manner. I'm not special by any means, and I don't have any tricks, and sometimes I have the lowest self esteem but I never let it stop me from getting the things or people I want.

Like the almighty clitoris said

Chicks dig a guy(or girl) with confidence!

Good for you. It would be awesome to have a woman approach me like that. More women should do it. You should start a movement.

 

[jerseyman1963]

I'm a girl who's not attractive in a coventional way but I've always gotten the guy or girl I was attracted to b/c I approached them in a confident, non-agressive manner. I'm not special by any means, and I don't have any tricks, and sometimes I have the lowest self esteem but I never let it stop me from getting the things or people I want.

Like the almighty clitoris said

Chicks dig a guy(or girl) with confidence!

I agree with Human Male. Good for you! Personally, I love it when a woman approaches me first. Who doesn't like fiding out that someone else thinks they're that attractive? (Assuming of course that the approach is done with taste and class.)

Although you wouldn't know from looking at the external me, I have a bit of a self esteem problem. I cover up well, but when push comes to shove, especially in my personal life, I can't believe anyone would ever be interested in me, and it takes a lot of emotional energy and brain power to believe in myself. But the key, as you observed, is not letting that stop you.

Took me a long time to figure it out, but whatever it is that scares the pants off of you, just accept that it scares the heck out of you, and go do it anyway. The results are usually better than you expected, and it gets that much easier next time.

 

[M's girl]

I like confident men. I don't mind to be with a somewhat shy man. I also never minded if I was more experienced, whether it was about the sex or on an emotional level (relationship-wise).... As long as they wanted to learn and explore together.

It's not so that all women want dominant men. I assume that if you would ask, the majority would state they wanted equalness on all levels, including in the bedroom. If you just can find the courage to say "Hey, you will have to teach me a lot" you are halfway. Because if you dare to say that it's couragious in a way.

 

[eudaemonia]

Took me a long time to figure it out, but whatever it is that scares the pants off of you, just accept that it scares the heck out of you, and go do it anyway.

But isn't this the very definition of confidence? It is in my book.

Great post, jm.

 

[Dickkramer]

Just be blunt, don't hide what you want to say.

Best way to beat shyness is to just do what you want.

 

[jerseyman1963]

I don't know how I missed this before, but Torreyjs, you should turn your post and your conundrum into a a comedy bit. Seriously. Here me out on this, if you're still doing stand up.

My initial idea for this was that it would be a great way to meet a chick who you might be perfectly compatible with, and then this would not be perceived as a "problem" any more. For some reason women always find a guy with a microphone attractive, whether he's doing stand up or in a band. I guarantee you that after some show, you're going to get hit on by an agressive woman who wants to know if your routine is just a routine, or if it's the truth about your real life. Bingo, you're down with someone who matches your wants, needs, and desires.

Whether it becomes something real and long term after that, who knows? From there, you're subject to the same vagaries as the rest of us.

But the more I think about it, it's also great material. The best comedy is not just telling jokes, but comes from what you know, and always has an element of truth that makes the audience (or at least a part of it) nod their heads and say, "Yeah, I've been there," and then they're laughing with you.

Man, this could be great material, AND help you meet someone. What could be better than that?