How do I become a more respectful person?

[Shima]

Lately, I've been having some trouble.

I've been stubborn, and at times mean to the person I love. We've argued several times just this month. She'll be leaving shortly for a few weeks, and I want to use the time as constructively as possible. We've decided that it is best that I learn and practice how to become more respectful and loving.

Don't get me wrong, of course I love her, with all of my heart, but, something inside of me, it makes me periodically oppose her. Sometimes, I say stupid, mean-spirited things, which I don't mean to say. Sometimes I won't listen to what she has to say, and so forth.

I realize this is probably not a... normal request, but it's a positive sign that I'm seeking aid where I can.

So, I humbly ask, for any and all help that can be offered. I want to be a good person for her. I would like opinions on the matter, advice, or any practice that I can get. Can anyone help?

 

[Cathleen]

We all have flaws or areas we'd like to work on. We're human, we're supposed to have flaws. We can and should work on them, if we want to grow. Uncovering them can be tough, sometimes we're not ready to know their existence. Other times they are brought to our attention by our reactions or by other people and/or their reactions to us. Most of the time they do interfere with my life and enjoyment of life and others.

In order short circuit some of those behaviors that cause troubles for you both, I'd make sure to be on the lookout for them (sometimes you don't see them coming but it's a bonus if you do). When you find yourself in the muck trace your steps backward, go back as far as needed to find a trigger.. there is always a trigger in my experience. For me the key is being willing to find the trigger and making a conscious effort to change my 'normal reaction', even if the change is just one small thing. Sometimes we get mad at the person in front of us instead of being up front with the person who ruffled our feathers. I call it a sort of deal with it now or it'll come out my mouth/actions later -- then I have two (or more) messes to clean up.

As far as being respectful, the golden rule is always there "Do unto others..." but also I'd be observant of behaviors you see in others that you think/feel are respectful -- of yourself and to others. Emulate someone you respect, watch their actions, learn from others. Some things will fit easily, others perhaps not but keep watching. If you have a strong reaction to a certain behavior follow your head and heart.

It will take work for both of you. Things don't change easily or overnight, you'll have to do some work together...if you catch yourself or she reacts then talk it out right then, if possible, but most importantly, together. Don't go nutty in the frozen food aisle, but be mindful of your actions, reactions and thoughts. Sharing experiences, small and large, are how we connect... each added moment strengths the connection.

Changing our behaviors isn't always easy and it takes courage to identify and admit your shortcoming and that you want to work to change it. You're opening yourself up, it's taking a risk. Have some trusted people around you for advice or a sounding board, it can make things a little easier... not easy, but safer. It takes practice too.

New behaviors aren't comfortable at first. The more you practice the more comfortable it becomes and then the newer behavior will become your first reaction/behavior. It can take some give and take, some compromise but usually it's all for the better.

This won't be a two week cram session though. I go by the half decade myself.

 

[Firebrain]

x x x x x x

 

[Shima]

My family was much like that. For instance, I learned that asking questions is a sign of weakness. You can imagine that's helped my life alot up to this point.

I've got the same kind of problem that you had, opposing for the sake of opposing. Something in me, probably my parents' argumentative nature, shines through with that. Inside I agree with what she says, but outside, not so much. At least not right away, which can cause problems. The most recent argument, from earlier tonight was due to me disagreeing with her advice on how to write a paper for class. Things got out of hand, she said something I took offense at (That I never listen to her) and I retorted (That I don't listen to her, which is of course why I used her advice anyway), and things went downhill immediately.

I've tried telling her how much I love her, and how much she means to me, as well as how much she's already changed me (She's part of the reason I'm in college right now, for instance), but she tends to, unfortunately shut down and stop what I'm saying by just saying that I'm disrespectful, that I don't love her, and that I'm not worth her time. That may all sound mean, but I'm inclined to believe her (I'm naturally submissive and she natural desires to dominate, although in more of a royal-type capacity). Although she literally means the world to me - I would rather live in a world that still has war than give her up - I sometimes don't think she actually believes me. It can be discouraging, but it's a sign that I'm not doing good enough. At least that's how I see it.

I want so badly to make her proud and to be good to her, but every time I try, things just go wrong because I'm too damn stubborn. After our argument I spent a good amount of time crying, and am still bursting into short bouts right now, even after we reestablished contact.

As for why I love her and respect her... well, it all started as just a little fun, but as we got to know each other, I fell in love with her personality and mind and everything, you know. Even thinking about her is enough to lift my heart and make me feel good. She's lively and smart, beautiful, and talented even though she never gives herself credit. There's noone I'd rather have. But I don't know how to show it, at least not in any meaningful way..

 

[your_vice]

It sounds like you've had overbearing parents and they have made you into an insecure person. Some people have to test boundaries with those they love and what they're doing is trying to find out what their partner is prepared to tolerate. Parental love is supposed to be pretty much unconditional but if that hasn't been your experience, romantic love has more conditions and is therefore less secure. Unfortunately, many of these insecure types discover where their partner's tolerance ends when the relationship dies. People who have had loving, stable upbringings often can't empathise with those who find it hard to love or trust their parents. They don't understand why their love has to be tested and it makes them feel unappreciated and expendable. If a previous girlfriend had been unfaithful and that made you suspicious and mistrusting of your current girlfriend it would be similarly unfair. If this is part of the reason for your behaviour, you need to acknowledge that romantic relationships are never 100% secure, which is why you should work hard at not pushing her away to see how far you have to push. The way forward is for you to cherish her as you did when you first met. People can take each other for granted once they're very familiar with each other so think back to when you guys first met and all the things you did to make her fall in love with you then. A little pampering and chivalry will go a long way here and it will remind you that romance must be kept alive in long term relationships.

No matter how much you may have disliked your parents' personalities, as a child you soak these things up like a sponge and only when you're an adult making your own decisions can you see how much your upbringing has influenced who you are. Now that you know this, you have a choice. You can be whoever you choose to be, from this moment on. You'll have to keep a close watch on yourself but everything you do for your girlfriend and others that is gentle, kind and considerate should be counted as a victory. Notice these things and try to keep the good things you do outnumbering the bad. The more you work at this, the easier and more natural it will become with time.

I'm not saying this is definitely happening with you but I saw it in a couple I was quite close to and my (now single) friend is still struggling with self-destructive patterns in relationships.

 

[Shima]

I would like to think otherwise, but I very likely am highly insecure. I wouldn't go as far as to claim abandonment issues, but close.

I've got alot of work ahead of me. I've seriously got to curb my very bad habits (Contradiction, argumentation, saying what comes to mind without always thinking), and try to make her love me again.

I suppose I have at least the fortune of knowing where I stand. She uses something of a numbered gauge to describe her satisfaction, from -200 to +200. Used to be I was at +175, but I know from what she said that I'm at flat 0 right now again. The shame of it is, I can't just ask her where I stand, because I personally find that to be an offensive question, and I try my best not to ask her things I would find offensive. To me, it seems that, after so long, I should really already know this stuff. I can't say whether she feels the same or not, but that's how I see it.

Fortunately, we made at least SOME progress. She say my last post, describing my love, and asked me something to the effect of "How can you love someone if you don't understand them?" I obviously had no answer. After a short talk, she gave me permission to ask on it - something that I felt I needed to ask permission to do, because of the reasons stated above. So, we spent the short time before she left, with me asking her somewhat basic personality things. Stuff that I feel I should know but, for some reason, never came up.

I hope to use that as a basis when she gets back, but I still plan to spend this time better refining how I talk to her. There are deeper issues at foot, but I feel... uncomfortable telling those without her permission, which I can't get right now. I suppose I'll just have to take the leap and hope it doesn't offend her. I will keep her anonymity, however.

She has something like abandonment issues, having had worse parents than I did, if not the same breed of overbearing. She is a male to female transexual, who has not and may not have the operation, but I have not nor do I foresee ever calling her by the male gender. She is on this board, but I don't feel I should give her name. She has multiple personalities, eight in total. I love all of them (It's a... unique situation, to be sure), but there are two of them in the rotation that I have problems with, which is where this comes from. I don't know whether it's because they're extremely sensitive (One of them identifies as 9 years old, and the other is much more ladylike than the others), or if it's just me, or what, but we rub each other the wrong way. Which is EXTREMELY bad, if I can't be good to the most gentle of her "sides".

 

[Noor]

Choosing Civility

 

[bailadora]

I think you've been offered some good food for thought in terms of making a start. But you mention that your girlfriend has issues herself and I'm wondering if counseling would help you both better understand each other. Being a college student, I realize you probably have little funds for counseling, but I would encourage you to check with your university and see what services they might offer to students. Some offer therapy on a sliding scale, depending on the student's ability to pay. It's something to consider.....and what do you have to lose?

 

[Firebrain]

x x x x x

 

[MisterSir]

She sounds like a real cunt. Quite aside from the inanity of her assigned a number to how satisfied she is with you - which is appallingly bitchy in of itself - this does not sound like something a person would say about a happy relationship:

We've decided that it is best that I learn and practice how to become more respectful and loving.

Bullshit.

You plural haven't decided shit. She has got this idea in her head that you aren't suitably respectful and loving - what she's comparing you against, I neither know nor want to know - and she's made this decision. You're going along with it because you do love her; for most women, that'd be enough. What is she giving you in return? All I'm hearing is that she's belittling your efforts to make her happy. Three words: Dump that bitch. Six more words: No matter how much it hurts. This is a poisonous relationship and you would be better off with a woman who appreciates you.

 

[Primalex]

Ask on the BDSM board, but being a submissive is not about being mentally abused.

We accept all kinks there by now, even submissives who are into mental abuse.

 

[Primalex]

"Our love fern! You let it die!"
"No, honey, it's just sleeping."

 

[Firebrain]

"Our love fern! You let it die!"
"No, honey, it's just sleeping."

My boyfriend thinks I'm fat. And I can't eat in front of you! I CAN'T EAT IN FRONT OF YOU!

I quote that in restaurants sometimes, just to annoy my husband. Is that mental abuse?

 

[Primalex]

My boyfriend thinks I'm fat. And I can't eat in front of you! I CAN'T EAT IN FRONT OF YOU!

I quote that in restaurants sometimes, just to annoy my husband. Is that mental abuse?

Just a mean quirk.

 

[PertPerth]

She grades her satisfaction and she calls you disrespectful?!

This is the bit where I pulled out my red flag and started waving. She reminds me of a(n ex-)friend of mine. Long story short, my self esteem is SO much higher now that we don't see each other very often.

 

[Shima]

While I do agree that not all the problems are my own, for all intents and purposes, this exercise is about improving myself. I've come to accept her problems and social oddities. It's my place to attempt to get better at dealing with her. The problem is that, the two personalities that I'm most likely to screw up with, are the most emotional. Frankly, from how she talks, every time we get into an argument, it sounds like she's pretty much just THIS close to leaving, and it frightens me.

A second problem, is that since her personalities "switch" based on what day it is, it becomes difficult to get practice with her. We've agreed to try live practice when she's back, but until then, not much I can do there.

I'll read that book that was linked, it should have at least some useful info.

I do respect the responses I've gotten, even if I do not agree with the method. Leaving her should only be an absolute last resort, in my opinion, something to do if there are such huge differences that even the other personalities can't get along with me anymore. If that nightmare were to happen, I don't know what I'd do, really. Sob, most likely.

 

[coastal-boy]

I don't know...something feels wrong here...like I'm missing a critical piece of the puzzle. It bothers me when someone says something "mean-spirited" and then shrugs it off as something they really didn't mean to say. I have found that I always have a purpose for saying what I do...and sometimes I am 100% wrong for saying it...but I still had a reason for doing it. So why did I say it? It is the same when I am not listening to another person. Why did I do that? Why am I closing down? Sometimes the easiest way to not get into an argument is to listen to them completely. Did I hear what they said? Do I understand where they are coming from? Or did I immediately toss up my guard and start defending my actions in my head? Sometimes...it is better not to have a back and forth session. I'll listen to you. When you are done, and only when you are done, will I let my feelings be known. I still get my side out but it just isn't that intense back-and-forth shit. Communication is a toughie. It is unique to those involved.

 

[Shima]

That is good knowledge, Coastal Boy. I shall remember it.

 

[MisterSir]

A second problem, is that since her personalities "switch" based on what day it is, it becomes difficult to get practice with her. We've agreed to try live practice when she's back, but until then, not much I can do there.

...you are, of course, shitting me now. You're actually just taking the piss.

 

[Shima]

As far as I'm aware, no, I'm not. She's been diagnosed. Like I've said, there's complex circumstances.

 

[MisterSir]

So, to recap: She has multiple personalities, she has multiple personalities, she has multiple personalities (said three times just to make the point clearer) and you're sweating spinal fluid over becoming more respectful and loving when her berserk buttons change every day and she won't give you anything in return. You've become her bitch, and if you won't consider leaving her, there's nothing we can do for you.

 

[Shima]

I just don't feel that leaving is the best option. Does that make me a bad guy, that I love her no matter what and don't want to leave or something?

I mean, I can understand what you're saying, and why you're saying it, but it's not my intended goal.

 

[your_vice]

Ok, so invert what I said earlier. She is clearly the one with strong abandonment and acceptance issues and she wants to know just how much she can trust to your long suffering fidelity. She's pushing because she needs to know how far to push. This is a self destructive impulse born of deep seated insecurity and cripplingly low self esteem. These issues are a core part of her being in my opinion, preceding her mental/emotional gender switch and will not change regardless of which personality is in the driving seat. If she isn't in long term, frequent, specialist psychotherapy she needs that asap. If there are insurmountable medical problems taking M to F gender reassignment permanently off the table, her mental wellbeing is absolutely critical to her living as a woman in any kind of healthy way. You seem to be committed to her regardless of the shit you're going to put up with but that's only admirable up to a point. By meekly taking everything she dishes out you are facilitating the development of self destructive character traits that she should be working on improving. In short, you are creating a monster. She is embarking on a relatively new life as a female, with multiple personalities in tow no less. It sounds like what she desperately needs is normality and stability and by letting her call all the shots you're shaping her female self into a spoiled, petulant, mistrustful, venomous and ultimately unhappy person.

If I were you I would make it clear that if you're going to work on leaping through whatever hoops her personality of the day sets out for you, she must get some intensive, long term specialist therapy and work on building a female personality that isn't hamstrung by all the psychological issues her male self was plagued by. This new woman needs boundaries and to be told when her behaviour is totally unreasonable and self destructive. You might not be able to do that but in my opinion, someone must.

 

[Firebrain]

x x x x x

 

[your_vice]

We've all been there...but seriously, a one-legged dwarf with a leaky anus could do better than this.

ROFLMAO!

I think I you.