How do I bring back spice in my marriage?

[Dyslexicea]

I have discussed the way I feel with him and it always turns into him stating that I want a divorce. Anytime I approach him with feelings of discontent he says that. I have asked if maybe he is the one who wants a divorce. His response is almost always no and that he loves me. I told him yesterday how sad I am becoming with everything and that I came online for suggestions. He then told me if I am that miserable maybe we should call it quits. But then a rational discussion about the possibility of divorce turns into a full blown argument that completely diffuses into him stating that we are never getting divorced. By this time, my feelings are so conflicted and hurt. And all of this, of course, contributes to the lack of sexual everything. We will find a solution, one way or another.

Obviously you two aren't communicating. It appears to me he's using divorce as a way of avoiding having a meaningful discussion about your sex life, most likely every other marital problem you want to talk about. I'm assuming he also doesn't want to see a marriage counselor or a sex therapist, one who could act as an intermediary so the two of you could actually have a conversation without it becoming a fight.

I'm really sorry but I'm rather pessimistic about the "We will find a solution", I think it's going to be up to you and you alone to find a solution that's going to work and I'm afraid it's one that's going to make you unhappy. Even if the two of you could really talk, if your description of your husband's sexual attitudes are at all accurate, you are not likely to have a fulfilling sex life and surely not one involving any kind of kink. Both personally and professionally I'd have to side with StrayKat, while communication in important, communicating isn't going to solve all problems and it isn't going to change two sexually incompatible people into two sexually compatible people.

Sex is not at the top of my list when it comes to my life's priorities but we, my wife and I, have a fantastic sex life, at times loving and gentle, at times carnal and lustful, at times it's shared with others and more often than not rather kinky, if we didn't have that maybe it would be near the top of my list of priorities.

I wish I had a solution for you but I don't. If I knew you were financially able and you and your children won't end up in poverty, I'd recommend to at least consider the solution your husband seems to threaten you with, divorce. If your sex life doesn't improve maybe this Ann Landers' quote is worth asking yourself, "Are you better off with him or better off without him?". I don't practice family law but if I did, this would be my first question to any client wanting to file for a divorce.

 

[subwannabe]

Based on your last post I would say that your marriage is over, you just refuse to accept that. Just from the tidbits he has no desire to change and sounds a little like a control freak who refuses to get a divorce because he wants to control the situation.

 

[Felix_Jones]

Try the SAVORY shop on SW 13th Ave in Portland OR's Sellwood district: http://www.savoryspiceshop.com/ - Finest stuff. Great staff. Free tastes.

Yeah, but then I'd have to go to Portland, and my unicycle is in the shop.

 

[FGB]

Oh ,Shit!

You newbies have no ideal what I meant with the spice crack, but I apologize for making it.

I wish I could offer some words of wisdom here, but the truth she is going to have to feel and think her way through this problem.

Yes, some counseling might help. It would be sure to act as a catalyst for something...as to how it would turn out...THAT no one can know.

 

[amofiga]

Misty

I hate to say this, but despite what a lot of people say, "communication" isn't always the key. You can communicate till your blue in the face but if your hubby doesn't want to communicate or if neither party comes to the communication ready to embrace change and improvement, it's for nothing. There are things I've been trying to "communicate" with my wife about for years but she's not going to move outside her comfort zone. All in all, she's pretty hot and probably a hell of a lot more open sexually than a lot of women. Really, a solid 7 on a scale of one to 10. However, she has her lines in the sand, and no amount of communication over the past decades has made her move the lines much.

It seems on the surface that what you want from your hubby is certainly not out of the ordinary and in the repertoire of many couples. A little spanking, some mild kink, a little porn on the TV after the kids to to bed, whatever else to spice things up. However, for some people, sex is limited to just the old missonary in-and-out on a Saturday night with the lights out. Usually it seems to be the women who don't want to experiment too much but then there was a post not long ago from a woman saying it was the men that were the cowards to wander into the more non-conventional areas of the erotic.

Is he a guy who was raised with strict rules? Does he have some sorts of strong religious feelings about what's right and what's "wrong" in bed? I have to ask the same thing I ask others. Did you not see his conservative conventional ways before you walked down the aisle? I think often young people look past the limitations of their perspective spouse feeling that they will "loosen them up" or "get them to be more adventurous" after they're married. Unfortunately the opposite is true. People start taking each other for granted and feel like they don't have to try anymore because you're "locked in".

If your hubby keeps talking about divorce, is there some perverse possibility that via some sort of passive aggressive behavior that he's trying to push YOU to make that decision when it's him that wants it? I think a lot of time, resentment of one sort or another is presented as "withholding of sex" in one form or another to make the other person make the move to split.

Perhaps some books on sexual experimentation or some of the "Better Sex" videos which are explicit but not pornographic might help "IF" he is willing. If he's locked into his tight little position, you probably aren't going to move him unless you both get into some sort of sex or marriage counseling. Unfortunately, it takes two to do that tango. Frankly, in years past, I had affairs with frustrated married women whose husbands didn't "understand them" or "appreciate them" or thought they were crazy or slutty for wanting things outside what hubby considered proper. Some wives reach the end of the rope in trying to bring hubby around and find themselves getting what they want from other men. I would NOT recommend this alternative because the consequences can be pretty awful as I also found out the hard way.

Good luck

 

[Primalex]

I have discussed the way I feel with him and it always turns into him stating that I want a divorce.

Anytime I approach him with feelings of discontent he says that.

I told him yesterday how sad I am becoming with everything and that I came online for suggestions. He then told me if I am that miserable maybe we should call it quits. But then a rational discussion about the possibility of divorce turns into a full blown argument that completely diffuses into him stating that we are never getting divorced. By this time, my feelings are so conflicted and hurt.

No offense, but I don't think any longer that the husband is the problem.

 

[Dyslexicea]

No offense, but I don't think any longer that the husband is the problem.

As always your logic is flawed and ridiculous!

 

[StrayKat]

I think that expressions like "you always/never" are example of the most common bad approaches to marriage communication. It is accusatory, puts the other person on defensive and only leads to more arguments.

Staring the discussion with "while I appreciate and admire <insert whatever you do like about your partner>, I believe things could be even better if we...." might gain better results.

 

[amofiga]

I think that expressions like "you always/never" are example of the most common bad approaches to marriage communication. It is accusatory, puts the other person on defensive and only leads to more arguments.

Staring the discussion with "while I appreciate and admire <insert whatever you do like about your partner>, I believe things could be even better if we...." might gain better results.

Kat

You make a valid point and any "negotiation" should proceed without accusing or embarrassing or threatening the other party. It shuts the door immediately. Keepig it non-judgmental and accepting is a must. However, I still believe that some people are just not as likely as others to even want to hear any sort of "communication" that is counter to their already-held position. I've had to deal with a lot of people like that whether with regard to politics, religion, sex, or which approach to take for an engineering project. There are some people that just don't want to hear anything other than what they want to hear.

The other thing about communication, even given that both parties are willing to compromise, is that by it's very definition, compromise means that neither party is completely happy. It creates an environment of "living with less frustration" but it never really reaches that wonderful, ideal state where both parties are completely happy. It defines an environment where both parties say "It ain't great but it's livable." How many relationships are like that? I think about 20% if that. The rest are all "compromises" down to the last 20% that are so hoplessly so far opposed that they have to walk away before they kill each other or themselves.

 

[jomar]

Maybe hubby has a Madonna-whore complex going on.

 

[StrayKat]

Kat

You make a valid point and any "negotiation" should proceed without accusing or embarrassing or threatening the other party. It shuts the door immediately. Keepig it non-judgmental and accepting is a must. However, I still believe that some people are just not as likely as others to even want to hear any sort of "communication" that is counter to their already-held position. I've had to deal with a lot of people like that whether with regard to politics, religion, sex, or which approach to take for an engineering project. There are some people that just don't want to hear anything other than what they want to hear.

I completely agree. And in such cases there is absolutely nothing you can do.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

it's been my experience that people who verbalize the divorce option have already considered (fantasized about) the divorce option. That's not such a bad thing. It's just a difficult thing to fix without admitting that each person is that close to the edge.

If you decide that you want to stay married, I think you need to be willing to hear every single thing about you that he finds annoying. You need to be willing to hurt, but it could be worth it.
at this point, a rocky sex life isn't the problem. it's merely a symptom of a problem.

 

[Mammi89]

..

I understand!! I'm here for my own spices, too! We do what we have to for the people we love.. Come here for excitement, ideas and share with him. But he doesn't know I'm even here..

 

[IrisAlthea]

Not to excuse his behavior, but there's a pretty good chance that's how he's expressing fear: that you'll leave him if he either won't or can't be the lover you want him to be.

This might be where a good counselor can be of help. 'Cause it's the truth that even though people might be talking, there's no guarantee they're actually communicating. I wish you and your husband all the best.

This would be my guess too.

In my experience, most people aren't going to be happy about experimenting a bit outside the comfort zone, unless they feel generally safe in the relationship and environment.