How do I get my wife to sleep with me

[CallaLily]

Jedi-

You're a good man. It's obvious you want to do the right thing. Many men I know would just say "Fuck it", and have an affair. I commend you for trying to fix it instead of making it worse. I think therapy might be the answer. But instead of marital counseling, maybe she needs some of her own. It is a very delicate matter, especially if she was young when she was abused... it may help her talk about it if you aren't there. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope everything works out for you. It's obvious that you love her. I hope you both can work through this.

 

[exvitermini]

Jedi-

You're a good man. It's obvious you want to do the right thing. Many men I know would just say "Fuck it", and have an affair. I commend you for trying to fix it instead of making it worse. I think therapy might be the answer. But instead of marital counseling, maybe she needs some of her own. It is a very delicate matter, especially if she was young when she was abused... it may help her talk about it if you aren't there. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope everything works out for you. It's obvious that you love her. I hope you both can work through this.

Rather than say it again, I'll just repost it. I completely agree, Calla. I respect that you're facing your problem rather than cop out and just go fuck another woman for the hell of it. This is the first step, but the second one is to talk openly with your wife about it. It's no fun. It's easier to ignore the problem. But only for a while. Open up completely to each other - tell her about your frustration and the extent it has pushed you (thinking about seperating for a while).

Any maybe see a doctor about any potential physical implications that shouldn't be ignored.

 

[dreamer]

I think KM said it all. I wish you both the best of luck. I hope by talking to her about just how serious this is to anyone 'outside' of her situation she will see she isn't really 'dealing with it' and needs help.

Love her no matter what, she'll need it if she is to go forward through this.

 

[huskie]

I am really amazed that every time I see a post about a women's low sex drive, the answers all have to do with a "mental" approach. Anyone ever consider it to be a physical problem?

My wife had a low sex drive for years. Once a week, 3x a month. This just wasn't cutting it for us. I talked with her, it just made her feel guilty. She felt terrible about the situation. She just didn't know why she wasn't horny. Then about 3 years ago I got into bodybuilding and more specially the dark side of bodybuilding. I found out female bodybuilders who took anabolics are basically horny all the time. I asked her to talk to her doctor (a women) about the use of testosterone. Her doctor of course told her that she has never seen an increase in a women's sex drive from testosterone. I said, "wanna bet". My wife being the most competitive person I know said sure. She then took a 150mg injection of testosterone. 3 days later she has horny, 5 days after the shot she was masturbating daily; 7 days she was a full blown nymph! Every night I'd come home from work and she'd tell me how many times she got off that afternoon. We had sex every night for hours. Eventually her sex drive decreased as the shot wore off, but for 2 months our sex life was indescribable.

I researched a little more and found out a dose of 50mg a week is the prescribed dose from doctors who are versed with testosterone for women. At this dose there are no sides (sides are hair growth, voice lowering, and clitoral enlargement). My wife prefers the dose all at once. Seems like she enjoys being a nymph for a few weeks and then scaling back before starting over. The only side she ever got was clit enlargement. It does subside somewhat as the test leaves her body, but a lot of it is permanent. At least I can find the thing now.

Now remember boys & girls that testosterone is a scheduled drug and is only legal when prescribed by a doctor. Fortunately there are more and more doctors that are prescribing it to women for low libido problems.

WOW!!!!! this is some good advise!!!! Did a Doctor ever give any reason why her sex drive dropped off in the first place???? assuming it was some what ok when yall got married?? and what type of Doctor did she go to, to get the steroids???? Was there anything else they recomended other than perscription drugs??

 

[His Whimsicality]

One of the problems is she won't talk to me, or even recognise the fact that something is wrong. after that last one, instead of asking "what can I do to make it better" she just sarted chatting with me as if nothing happened and nothing is wrong. How am I supposed to reason with somebody who won't recognise the problem exists.

as for the Bi-Girl, it sounds like a lot of fun, but that is a no-go.

Three possibilities come to my mind:

1) You should not always assume the worst, but maybe she has had a traumatic experience in her past that now makes it hard for her to derive pleasure from sex.

2) You are not able to satisfy her.

3) Her libido is low in general (catholic upbringing?)

 

[Jedi_Outcast]

I sent her this last night:

[start]

It has been obvious that things have not been going well between us for a while. Why, I don't have the answer for that, all I know is I am miserable.

It's no secret that we don't talk well to each other. You mistake my silence for anger, when all I am doing is trying to organize my thoughts and try to put them into words, and try to get you to understand. I'm not very good at it so it takes me a while, sometimes a long time.

Instead of asking what is wrong, you pretend like it didn't happen and if you believe that everything is OK then it is OK. Do you know how hard it is to deal with someone who won't admit to ongoing problems? Where I am being torn and hurt and a zillion other things, all she can do is talk about the movie, or the weather. That is very frustrating and just makes it that much more hurtful, making it harder to get over it and move on.

In all the time I have known you I'm not sure I have ever seen you hurt or sad. You keep all of that stuff away from the outside world. Maybe it's the need to be "tough" or independent, I don't know. All it has done is isolate you from me.

I tried my best to fulfill your needs last week, even though I
really didn't want to. I figured if I fulfill your needs, you will want to fulfill mine. Instead of the downward spiral of unhappiness, we would want to do more for each other, because our own needs were being met. The result was very depressing. being told "I don't want to, but I love you, so OK" made me feel about 6 inches tall and not at all willing to do anything with you.

At this point I don't know where to go from here. Do you?

[end]

today she called me at work and asked if I still wanted to go to tharapy. She's got an awful headache tonight so I don't want to talk to her about it until she feels better. But I really wanter her to get the testosterone test, and to see someone about what happened in her past. I'll see if she is willing to talk about it tomorrow.

 

[Sunny One]

Congratulations on taking that step. I'm sure it wasn' t easy.

Looks like things may be heading in the right direction. I'll think positive thoughts for you.

 

[CallaLily]

Jedi-

Good job. You're doing the best you can. From here on out, all you have to do is be honest... Try to be as gentle as possible, but be honest. Good luck.

 

[Laineforfun]

Wow jedi that was a big step And even better that she even responded to you and I hope that means she is ready to start the healing process with you. Well keep us posted I really hope she talks more with you.

Laine

 

[mskittykatt]

Congratulations on taking the hardest step of them all - the first one - opening honest communication with your wife. i wish you two ALL THE BEST

 

[Guest]

I realize most everything has been said already, but I'll throw my two cents in anyway. First of all, like everyone else, I applaud you for caring enough to want to help, rather than just hopping in a cheap motel with the first waitress or secretary who's willing (no offense to anyone in those professions..). Clearly just from your postings you are a very caring and wonderful husband and deserve more than what you have had/have.

My one question, back from your first post, is when you said 'she only likes sex about once a month' ... does that mean she initiates it once a month? only doesn't turn you down once a month? When you make love, what role does she play? Do you just hop and go while she lays there limp or does she kiss, touch, grind, etc. back? Has she ever given you oral sex? Or even touched your penis for that matter?

Now if I may play psychiatrist for a moment:
If she was abused, I doubt her problem is physical though it certainly could be an additional factor. I'm sure she still has
many issues with sex and intimacy, and most importantly trust. She definitely needs therapy to deal with the issues she has still from the abuse. Also .. my guess would be that her tomboy and unromantic nature probably also stems from the abuse. It's probably a subconscious defense mechanism. The less feminine she can be the less desirable she will be, the less likely she is to be hurt again ... ie, why she isn't interested in sex, isn't romantic,
doesn't wear makeup, won't wear any of the things in her bottom drawer. What was her dating life like before she met you? What was your relationship like before you were married? Aside from sex, is she affectionate towards you at all? Kisses after work? Passionate kisses goodnight?

I'm happy you were able to send that letter, and even happier she responded positively thus far. I truly hope she can work out her issues and you can save your marriage. Good luck, and keep us posted,

Best,
danielle

 

[Jedi_Outcast]

she will NEVER initiate sex. I think most of the sex I do get is of the "this will keep him happy" variety. She seems to enjoy herself, but I really don't know what is going through her head.
Oral either way is a nope. she says she "has to be in the mood", but she never is. I much prefer me doing her, but she won't let me.
She has no problems touching it. She is very willing to "help" me out that way, but again I belive it is of the "this will keep him happy and quiet" variety.
She is affectionate, but not passionate. Her kisses are of the dry "grandma" variety.
She didn't date very much in high school, her father was a control freak, and she was abused almost to the time I met her at 18. That didn't give her much of a social life.
We are trying to find someone but everybody I talk to has a 2-4 month waiting list.
any advice for do-it yourself tharapy?

 

[Sunny One]

Do it yourself

Jedi,

Are you asking about do it yourself therapy for your wife, or for the two of you as a couple?

If it is for the two of you, could you two manage a weekend away without the kids? I remember seeing a blurb about a book that you take with you when you go away for two days. You spend part of that time answering specific questions in the book seperately, then you come together and share your answers. Seemed to have some pretty thought provoking questions that may give both of you insight into the other. It may be worth browsing through at Barnes and Noble to see if it would be good for the two of you. Let me know if you're interested and I'll see if I can find the title for you.

Quick question- how does she respond if you just caress her shoulder or hair in passing?

Sunny

 

[fgarvb1]

Well! Go fuck two ducks! And paint me purple!
Jedi_Outcast except for the tomboy part i think i married your wifes long lost twin sister!

If you ever discover the answer please let me know!

I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

My wife claims she was not abused when she was young, but i wonder.

My wife was hot enough before we got married. I am wondering about if yours was the same way. Should we compare notes?

Maybe get a angle on this problem?

 

[Jedi_Outcast]

I had a talk with her last night. She's had some time to think. What she came up with is that since her mother ignored the kids after her husband came back, she wouldn't do that.
She told me that I don't want to do stuff with her and the kids. I just looked at her and said "Yep, When was the last time I did something with my wife, instead of the kids' mom." I'm not asking for either-or here, but she needs to separate the two. She sees me as their father, not as her husband. Now that she said that a lot of stuff is making more sense.

we have an appointment in a couple of weeks. hopefully it will work, but I'm not holding my breath

 

[huskie]

I had a talk with her last night. She's had some time to think. What she came up with is that since her mother ignored the kids after her husband came back, she wouldn't do that.
She told me that I don't want to do stuff with her and the kids. I just looked at her and said "Yep, When was the last time I did something with my wife, instead of the kids' mom." I'm not asking for either-or here, but she needs to separate the two. She sees me as their father, not as her husband. Now that she said that a lot of stuff is making more sense.

we have an appointment in a couple of weeks. hopefully it will work, but I'm not holding my breath

sorry Jedi...... at least she is willing to go see the therapyst??? thats a good thing right?

FWIW..... my wife is starting to try harder to see me more as her lover rather than the kids dady, as well. If she does come around or start to show improvement try to be patient with her and let it happen slowly. I am with my wife and it makes it a lot easier.

I'm still wondering about that steroid stuff, though????

 

[CallaLily]

Jedi,

I really hope things work out for the best. Sometimes the hardest part is getting all the deep, buried feelings out into the open. Good luck. Just take it one day at a time... in the words of Sheryl Crow, "Every day is a winding road."

 

[Himself128]

Jedi I wish you luck. I was married for a lot of years and a number of them included monthly sex rather than weekly, daily, etc. I learned over time that the frequency of sex had little to do with her interest or lack thereof but instead had to do with other issues between us or personal very personal issues that she developed since childhood.

While I may be wrong a good therapist may add some value and the worst that happens is the sex remains monthly. The best that can happen...hmmmm

 

[ghostwriter092]

Dear Jedi

I have been in your shoes. I am now getting a divorce after 6 years of marriage. And we had known eachother for almost 8 years. Sex in the beginning was amazing, we had sex around 4-5 times a day, Everything was great. I was in the marine corps, she was the manager of her dream job. About 2 years ago, Everything took a leap off of the cliff. We never had sex. We never did anything. If it was anything, she wanted to give me a handjob and walk away. Blowjobs were rare. And we had sex about 1 time every 7-10 days. Come to find out, shortly after I left the USMC, she told me that if we stayed married, we would be only friends. She wasnt sexually attracted to me anymore. She loved me. But no more than she loved her friend down the road or her brother. So I cut my losses. I did everything I could before hand, to make it work. I went to marriage classes, I saw a therapist. I did everything. And she admitted in the end, that it wasnt me. I was the perfect husband she said. I dont know. But I have been there. Thank you for reading this.

 

[Eilan]

This thread is 10 years old. Here's hoping the OP and his wife solved their problems in 2002.

 

[nakdsub]

I agree about talking and ...

To set aside ample time, make that appointment. Do it in an area with no distractions.
However, sometimes when it comes time to talk, we find ourselves, tongue tied.
My suggestion is to first write a letter. Think it out, put it all down, everything including the fact that you've even considered divorce.
Make sure everything you want to say is in the letter. Do Not be accusatory or judgmental, just state the problems.
When you get together for your talk, sit down and ask her to first read the letter. Give her time to digest what's in it. Then ask her, her thoughts.

 

[Rolando2]

just an idea..........http://www.dreamstime.com/man-taking-a-bath-thumb2540312.jpg