How do I relax down there?

[nene_x]

So I'm gonna get straight to the point. I really, really want to have sex but I close up down there. Like my vagina will literally will not let even a finger go in. But I did sleep with my ex although it wasn't enjoyable until the fourth time we had sex. But then we broke up. And I thought I was all good and it's been a year since and I'm talking to this new guy and we tried having sex like a month ago and it would just not go in. Even with lube. I'm meeting him again soon but I'm so nervous it wont go in again. Idk what to do

Any advice to relax myself? Or if any of y'all faced the same issue how did you get through it?

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Have you tried speaking with your gynecologist about this? For a lot of women, we need to feel 100% safe to be able to relax and really enjoy sex. But, what you’re describing seems like it may be more complex than needing help relaxing and feeling safe. I would definitely recommend speaking to an OB/GYN about this. Hopefully the guy you’re seeing is full of green flags and wants to support you through this. And I sure hope you find your way to relaxing and really enjoying sex.

Welcome to Lit

 

[nene_x]

Have you tried speaking with your gynecologist about this? For a lot of women, we need to feel 100% safe to be able to relax and really enjoy sex. But, what you’re describing seems like it may be more complex than needing help relaxing and feeling safe. I would definitely recommend speaking to an OB/GYN about this. Hopefully the guy you’re seeing is full of green flags and wants to support you through this. And I sure hope you find your way to relaxing and really enjoying sex.

Welcome to Lit

Unfortunately my gynaecologist is someone my family knows and I’d be cooked if they found out I’m sexually active, but I’m working towards it (saving up and tryna find a gynec who’s more up my alley for this situation)

But thank you for your kind words and advice! So excited to be part of the community on here

 

[jehoram]

What ToPleaseHim said. I'll add this: Be frank with your "new guy" and let him know that it's not him, it's you. But if he's a keeper, he'll let you take all the time you need to relax. And if he's good enough and patient enough to pleasure you orally and you can get into that, it's a good way to break the ice, so to speak.

And if you can't trust your OB/GYN to keep patient/doctor confidentiality, you definitely need another one.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Unfortunately my gynaecologist is someone my family knows and I’d be cooked if they found out I’m sexually active, but I’m working towards it (saving up and tryna find a gynec who’s more up my alley for this situation)

But thank you for your kind words and advice! So excited to be part of the community on here

Are you in the US? If so, HIPAA should protect you here. But, if you don’t feel safe, I do hope you find a new dr with the quickness.

 

[Live4themoments]

Check your area for free clinics, or clinics will take what you can afford to pay. The service might not be the greatest but from there you can get referrals for other clinics. Even if having intercourse is difficult there are other things you can do for sex, just not penetration. That may relax you enough where it might be possible.

 

[Tall_One35]

Gummies.

 

[nene_x]

Are you in the US? If so, HIPAA should protect you here. But, if you don’t feel safe, I do hope you find a new dr with the quickness.

Nah, not in the US. Yeah i did find a new doctor! Going to see her this weekend )

 

[Smoothsucker60]

Nah, not in the US. Yeah i did find a new doctor! Going to see her this weekend )

You just need some hot foreplay

 

[Pabiporffor]

All good advice so far about seeing a gyno, but if everything is OK downstairs and it's just an inability to relax then I suggest intercrural sex, particularly in the spoons position or doggy.

Just take that dick between your thighs so it rubs along the outside of your pussy gliding between the lips, no penetration. It'll help you mentally relax and after a few sessions you'll feel ready for penetration.

 

[Smoothsucker60]

So I'm gonna get straight to the point. I really, really want to have sex but I close up down there. Like my vagina will literally will not let even a finger go in. But I did sleep with my ex although it wasn't enjoyable until the fourth time we had sex. But then we broke up. And I thought I was all good and it's been a year since and I'm talking to this new guy and we tried having sex like a month ago and it would just not go in. Even with lube. I'm meeting him again soon but I'm so nervous it wont go in again. Idk what to do

Any advice to relax myself? Or if any of y'all faced the same issue how did you get through it?

Have your partner lick your ass and pussy repeatedly for a period of time this will relax you down there!

 

[SweetlyShy]

I give myself permission to relax, no matter what I accomplished (or didn't) that day.

 

[SallyIsHere]

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15723-vaginismus

 

[WetSubGirl]

There are specialists in pelvic floor physical therapy who usually treat vaginismus.

 

[remedial]

I've been where you are. not as a woman, but as someone who has sat across from dozens of women who've said exactly what you just said: "My body won't let anyone in." Here's what I've learned: your vagina isn't broken. It's guarding.

Think about it. You said you slept with your ex, and it wasn't enjoyable until the fourth time. That means your body can open. It just needs to feel safe first. And with this new guy, you're nervous. You're putting pressure on yourself. You're thinking, "What if it doesn't work again?".... your body hears that....it says: "Not safe. Not yet. I'm protecting you." Here's the secret nobody told you.. Your vagina is not a machine. It's not a door that opens on command. It's a sentinel. It's been guarding you your whole life and right now, it's guarding you from something, whether that's the pressure you're putting on yourself, the fear of disappointing this new guy, or the deeper belief that your body is somehow failing you. It's not failing you. It's protecting you. The more you try to force it, the more it will close. The more you worry, the tighter it gets. The more you think "I have to make this work," the more your body says "No."

So here's what I'd suggest....and it's not what you think, Stop trying to have penetrative sex. Just for now. I know that sounds like giving up. It's not. It's strategic retreat. Tell this new guy: "I want to be with you. But my body needs time. Can we explore without penetration for a while?" If he's worth anything, if he's a keeper, as jehoram said, he'll say yes. then? Let him touch you everywhere but there. Let him kiss your neck. Your thighs. Your belly. Let him use his fingers around your vulva, not inside it. Let him go down on you if you're ready. Let him make you feel good without any expectation of "going in." What will happen, and I've seen this happen with client after client, is that your body will start to trust him. Not because you told it to. Because it felt it. Because he proved he's safe. Because you stopped demanding and started allowing.

One day, maybe the fifth time, maybe the tenth, maybe the twentieth, your body will open on its own. Not because you forced it. Because it finally felt ready.

To the people in this thread who said "just relax":

You mean well. But telling someone with vaginismus to "just relax" is like telling someone with a broken leg to "just walk it off." It's not a choice. It's a protective reflex. The body has learned, for whatever reason, that penetration is dangerous and it takes time, patience, and safety to unlearn that. So to Nena... you're not broken. You're not alone. You're not "too much" or "not enough." You're a woman whose body is trying to keep her safe. And the moment you stop fighting it and start listening to it, everything will change.

One more thing, about the new gynecologist... you said you found one. Good. But here's the thing: a gynecologist can check your hormones and your anatomy. But they can't heal your nervous system. They can't tell your body it's safe. That's your work. Or your partner's work. Or a therapist's work.

Don't expect a doctor to fix this. Expect them to rule things out. Then do the deeper work: therapy, patience, and a partner who makes you feel like you're worth waiting for.

what if he doesn't wait?

Then he wasn't the one...you just saved yourself months, maybe years, of pain.

The last thing I'll say, Your body is not your enemy. It's your ally. It's been trying to tell you something. Maybe it's saying "I need more time." Maybe it's saying "I need more trust." Maybe it's saying "I need you to stop treating me like a problem and start treating me like a partner." Listen to it. It's not broken. It's waiting.....when you're ready, when you're truly, completely, unconditionally safe, it will open. Not because you forced it. Because you earned it.

You deserve that... So does your body.