How do you know if a threesome is right for you?

[Cloudy10]

I've posted before looking for a woman to join my husband and me in bed. Now, through another web site, it looks like that fantasy may quickly become reality, at least if we really want it to. But suddenly I find myself getting cold feet. I'm really attracted to and turned on by women, and I think I'd love being with a woman, but as we move toward making concrete plans, I'm having anxiety that is through the roof. I can barely function.

I suddenly am having doubts about my (wonderful) husband (whom I love and who loves me), my marriage (which is almost ridiculously solid), my insecurities, etc., that intellectually I know are unfounded. I don't know if this is normal, just like butterflies before public speaking, or if it's a sign that I should put on the brakes.

Anyone have any thoughts on the matter? Thanks for any help.

 

[Jackotheshadows]

Just think it through. Once you open that door (figuratively, if not literally), there isn't any going back, so you need to be sure. Have you discussed any of your concerns with your hubby? He may have the same concerns, or at least be able to reassure you that either it's not right for you guys, or, that he is your husband, and even if someone else shares the bed, you two are the most important things to each other....

Just 2 cents....

 

[TypicalDeviant]

Have you and your husband discussed all the rammmifications of the possible threesome? Have you laid out some rules to follow during the threesome? What about contact with the third after the threesome?

If you've covered all your bases and clearly communicated expectations for the event, then I think you'd be fine and it's just normal cold feet.

If, however, you haven't discussed all these things, I would address them before having the threesome.

 

[Tony_Stark]

Although I have never been involved in a 3-some, my advice would be to make sure it's a stranger (obviously be safe) but I think sex can just be "sex" if you want it to be. The aniety's and troubles start when you start wondering if the significant other will be more attracted to, or happier with the 3rd party. If it's an anonomous person who is neutral and it's just sex, then you should be fine with it. I agree with the previous poster as well, set some ground rules... ie. Is he allowed to touch or be touched by her or is he just to watch you ladies? It sounds like you've come a long way with the idea. Good luck and let us know how it plays out!

 

[coastal-boy]

without knowing the dynamics of your relationship, it is really hard to make a call here. Break it into pieces to try to come to the basis of your feelings. Would you still be having 'cold feet' if it was just you and her participating? In other words, if your husband said "go and have fun...but I want to know every detail" how would you react?

I think it is important that you feel you can call it off at any time. Have you made plans as to what if you start something but find halfway through you are not OK with it...what happens?

 

[SweetErika]

I've posted before looking for a woman to join my husband and me in bed. Now, through another web site, it looks like that fantasy may quickly become reality, at least if we really want it to. But suddenly I find myself getting cold feet. I'm really attracted to and turned on by women, and I think I'd love being with a woman, but as we move toward making concrete plans, I'm having anxiety that is through the roof. I can barely function.

I suddenly am having doubts about my (wonderful) husband (whom I love and who loves me), my marriage (which is almost ridiculously solid), my insecurities, etc., that intellectually I know are unfounded. I don't know if this is normal, just like butterflies before public speaking, or if it's a sign that I should put on the brakes.

Anyone have any thoughts on the matter? Thanks for any help.

Good advice so far here.

I'd say the bold part above means you definitely need to put on the brakes until your anxiety is resolved. It's natural to have some nervousness, but overwhelming anxiety and insecurity needs to be worked through before you move forward - otherwise, it's very likely to become toxic and ruin the fun for everyone involved.

I'll echo the advice to talk to your husband more, work through the possibilities and get the reassurance you need to resolve your feelings. You might try writing down all of your anxiety-inducing thoughts/fears and working through them logically, one by one. IOW, counter any illogical thoughts or fears with solid logic (what you know, instead of what you feel or imagine).

 

[NomadLady]

I've posted before looking for a woman to join my husband and me in bed. Now, through another web site, it looks like that fantasy may quickly become reality, at least if we really want it to. But suddenly I find myself getting cold feet. I'm really attracted to and turned on by women, and I think I'd love being with a woman, but as we move toward making concrete plans, I'm having anxiety that is through the roof. I can barely function.

I suddenly am having doubts about my (wonderful) husband (whom I love and who loves me), my marriage (which is almost ridiculously solid), my insecurities, etc., that intellectually I know are unfounded. I don't know if this is normal, just like butterflies before public speaking, or if it's a sign that I should put on the brakes.

Anyone have any thoughts on the matter? Thanks for any help.

Sounds like you've gotten great advice so far....having been that "third" person I can assure you that I've asked women the same questions and have made it clear to them (and hubby) that this is JUST SEX/JUST FUN and I've not had any problems and have made some good friends.

 

[Xerxes82]

Hey Cloudy,

It seems like most of the people in this thread have had some great thoughts on the subject. I'll echo SweetErica's and say that you should definitly put everything on hold until you've had a chance to at least think this over and work through some of your fears and concerns.

Maybe you'll think about it, discuss it with your husband, and decide it's what you guys really want, and you'll have ground rules and communication to keep those fears at bay. In which case, have fun!

But it sounds like you're having some serious concerns, and maybe this is a fantasy better left in the world of fantasy for you. Only you and your husband can make that decision.

Most importantly, DON'T RUSH! Make sure both of you are comfortable, and that there are no lingering questions. Otherwise, fantasy could very quickly turn into a nightmare.

 

[blade_rocknut]

I don't think SweetErika offers any advice BUT good advice ( from what I've seen). I can only think to add this: Start jotting down notes- when your day is interrupted by a spurt of anxiety. This will serve as a good start for a big sit down conversation with your SO. It's O.K. to admit you're jealous- or that you're afraid he would be. Whatever it is, air it out before the big event. My wife & I have rules ( if we ever get the chance again) by which to play. Our agreement is for her to have the sexual contact with the other female. I can watch, maybe even help- but no female to male genital contact with the third. Nothing is worth messing up a good marriage. Even if you're too nervous to do it- the fantasy is still pretty hot to think about when you get busy

 

[DeceptiveSpeed]

1) Talk everything out extensively
2) Set ground rules i.e. what can be touched, how much participation, etc.
3) Use a professional. I know it sounds sleazy, but you know there will be no strings attached with her. Friends aren't always a bad option, but does leave the door open wider to jealousy.
4) Talk it out at the time...don't wait until after the sex is over to discuss do it immediately.
5) A little pang of jealousy isn't uncommon - blind rage jealousy is not good.

Remember - humans are complex sexual creatures and programmed to be non-monogamous. Learn to separate love from sex. Sex is just fun, but love is your bond and having a little sex with a 3rd added into the mix doesn't mean he'll ever love you less.

 

[Cloudy10]

Good advice so far here.

I'd say the bold part above means you definitely need to put on the brakes until your anxiety is resolved. It's natural to have some nervousness, but overwhelming anxiety and insecurity needs to be worked through before you move forward - otherwise, it's very likely to become toxic and ruin the fun for everyone involved.

I'll echo the advice to talk to your husband more, work through the possibilities and get the reassurance you need to resolve your feelings. You might try writing down all of your anxiety-inducing thoughts/fears and working through them logically, one by one. IOW, counter any illogical thoughts or fears with solid logic (what you know, instead of what you feel or imagine).

You guys have given me lots of excellent advice. I wish I could hug all of you. I'm feeling a little calmer today. I listed my anxieties, but I'm having trouble countering most of them with rational thinking. I'm going to ask my husband for help with that when he comes home from work, but here are my fears. I don't see how some of them can be rationalized away, so feel free to prove me wrong!

BTW, if we go through with this, we are actually meeting another couple, not just a single woman. The plan is for the women to play and then if everyone is comfortable, maybe include some touching with the guys.

Also, we would meet them in a public place and then go to a neutral place like a hotel. Condoms would be used if the need arises. Also, for those who haven't been following my efforts here, I've enjoyed going to strip clubs with my husband (enjoyed being an understatement) and haven't had problems with jealousy, etc. there, but of course the situation was much more under control than this would be.

1. My body will disgust them.
2. My husband will be more attracted to her than to me.
3. My husband will be resentful that he can't fuck her.
4. The other people will be pushy.
5. Things will go farther than expected and I'll regret it.
6. Someone will try to contact someone else privately after the fact.
7. My husband or I will catch an STD.
8. My husband will fuck her or touch her or look at her wrong and I'll go nuts and possibly do something to hurt him.
9. I won't know what I'm doing and she won't cum.
10. I won't enjoy it.
11. I'll give in to going further than I want because I know my husband and the other couple want to do more.
12. They'll be nuts.
13. They'll be criminals and will rob or kill us.
14. They will secretly photograph or record everything.

 

[fuckmeat]

You guys have given me lots of excellent advice. I wish I could hug all of you. I'm feeling a little calmer today. I listed my anxieties, but I'm having trouble countering most of them with rational thinking. I'm going to ask my husband for help with that when he comes home from work, but here are my fears. I don't see how some of them can be rationalized away, so feel free to prove me wrong!

BTW, if we go through with this, we are actually meeting another couple, not just a single woman. The plan is for the women to play and then if everyone is comfortable, maybe include some touching with the guys.

Also, we would meet them in a public place and then go to a neutral place like a hotel. Condoms would be used if the need arises. Also, for those who haven't been following my efforts here, I've enjoyed going to strip clubs with my husband (enjoyed being an understatement) and haven't had problems with jealousy, etc. there, but of course the situation was much more under control than this would be.

While there's a degree of security to be found in playing with total strangers that you'll never see again, some people just aren't cut out for that. Would it help you to have a drink with these people for a first meeting, and then arrange play for the second one? That way you've all been able to size each other up and if anyone wants to bow out politely they can do so in the meantime without any embarrassment or fuss. I personally can't see the attraction of playing with a total stranger of a woman that I know nothing about and care nothing for. It might be a thrill for some people but you're either wired that way or you're not. I think it sounds like a very daunting proposition for your first bi experience.

1. My body will disgust them.

Have you exchanged pictures with this couple? If not, bite the bullet and do so. Nobody's going to expect you to be built like a porn star amnd if you've been honest about your appearance, you have nothing to worry about. What if you don't fancy her, do you know what she looks like?

2. My husband will be more attracted to her than to me.

Men are attracted to every second women they encounter. A good man knows the value of his wife though, and this woman's looks won't change that.

3. My husband will be resentful that he can't fuck her.

As you have laid these ground rules already, he has no cause for resentment. Once again though, this is where FWBs can be better than strangers. If you all enjoy yourselves and get along, will you rule out another meeting in the future, where more can potentially be explored? It's often a much better plan than finding yourself another stranger (or couple).

4. The other people will be pushy.
5. Things will go farther than expected and I'll regret it.
11. I'll give in to going further than I want because I know my husband and the other couple want to do more.

Do they know it's your first bi experience? If so they should know that you need to go at your own pace. If it comes to it, you'll just have to be blunt. Putting a couple of noses out of joint is far preferable to suffering through a nightmare sexual encounter in silence. Plus, if you and your husband don't communicate honestly at all times, you'll store up issues in the future, because the first thing he would want to know after the fact would be 'why didn't you say something?'

6. Someone will try to contact someone else privately after the fact.

Either you trust your man or you don't. It sounds like you do, so try to be rational about this one.

7. My husband or I will catch an STD.

Possible, if you engage in oral sex or go further. Most swingers are very clued up about that though and get tested regularly. Have you asked whether they've been recently screened.

8. My husband will fuck her or touch her or look at her wrong and I'll go nuts and possibly do something to hurt him.

It's possible I guess but you just have to take a deep breath, open your mouth and say 'wait a minute' if you feel things need re-negotiating or you want to leave.

9. I won't know what I'm doing and she won't cum.

She shouldn't expect you to have any experience so don't worry about it. Hopefully she'll be astute enough to give you some gentle pointers, or ask your husband beforehand what his secret is.

10. I won't enjoy it.

You might not, fpr any number of reasons. You just have to chalk it up to experience and be proud that you had the courage to try.

12. They'll be nuts.

Possible but if you meets somewhere public and sound them out over a few drinks you should be able to spot the caziness and flee.

13. They'll be criminals and will rob or kill us.

I doubt it. It's a rather elaborate way to mug people. That said, it would also be sensible not to take your bank cards or wear expensive jewellery. Keep your phone handy though.

14. They will secretly photograph or record everything.

If you make it back to the hotel, ensure all mobile phones are placed somewhere you can see them, with their little cameras pointed at the wall. None of you should have access to the room before the event.

 

[Scotsman69]

Love your incisive logic fuckmeat. My partner and I haven't had a threesome yet. It will come in time. I hope with someone as understanding as you, or your male equivalent...

 

[blade_rocknut]

In addition to Fuckmeat's ( I just love typing that) EXCELLENT ( as usual) advice- there are concerns about things getting out of hand. May I suggest a mutually agreed upon stop word / phrase / signal? I mean, with a group of four, you should always have someone to help ensure that things don't get awry. Best wishes, and of course if this does happen ( only you & your SO can decide) you know we want a full play-by-play recounting of the gory details

 

[coastal-boy]

My experience is that the dynamics of a threesome is not the same as a couple. The complexity could either greatly increase, or it could be simpler (two couples fucking simultaineously in separate beds...no switching...each watching the other).

I'm reading between the lines here (having not followed your search). But I thought the goal was for you to be with another woman. Why not just plan on you and the other woman going upstairs first? That really diffuses potential issues. You can always have a repeat performance later if you want them to particpate.

 

[Cloudy10]

Fuckmeat, Blade, and Coastal, thanks for your suggestions and feedback.

I worked through a lot of these worries and feelings last week. My husband and I talked through all of them, I read and reread the great advice on this board, and I gave it all a lot of thought.

By Saturday night, I was ready to go through with it. The situation was tentative because the other couple, last I'd heard, were still trying to line up babysitting. They hadn't gotten back to us by Saturday morning. (Maybe they're literotica members and had read my list of anxieties and decided to bow out?) However, another couple I'd talked some with expressed interest. They had other plans earlier in the evening and weren't sure whether they'd be able to meet us.

My hands were shaking so badly I could hardly do my hair Saturday night. A few drinks at dinner helped. As it turned out, the other couple wasn't able to join us. But we had a great time anyway. We went to a strip club and I had a wonderful lap dance, and we had great sex.

I feel good about the situation because I did work through a lot of my fears, and now I think I feel more confident that next time, I can follow through.

Ironically, the next day there was a message on my yim from the first couple, sent at 9ish Saturday night, asking what we were doing. I haven't chatted with them, but I suspect that they got babysitting after all and tried to contact us. Unfortunately I don't have yim integrated with my cell phone, so I didn't know until it was too late.

To be continued . . . .

 

[SweetErika]

I worked through a lot of these worries and feelings last week. My husband and I talked through all of them, I read and reread the great advice on this board, and I gave it all a lot of thought.

Good for you! I'm glad you were able to work through your anxieties and find some peace. Hopefully you can also apply the same techniques in the future, should anything come up in similar or even completely different situations!

Ironically, the next day there was a message on my yim from the first couple, sent at 9ish Saturday night, asking what we were doing. I haven't chatted with them, but I suspect that they got babysitting after all and tried to contact us. Unfortunately I don't have yim integrated with my cell phone, so I didn't know until it was too late.

Have you exchanged phone numbers so you're not relying on a computer or internet connection to communicate? If not, I'd suggest doing so.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

 

[SexyRayne]

Threesome? hmm

Ok, I just experienced my first threesome and it was great. But, I think you have received some really good advice! I must ask, though, have you ever been with a woman? Maybe some of the pressure is coming from jumping right into three or foursome! Have you considered meeting with the woman and seeing if there is anything there? Maybe, fooling around a little with just you and her? That would relieve some of the tension. And, to be fair, I should tell you I considered exploring my bicurious side for over a year before I went for it. Boundaries and rules were followed by all during our night of fun. I loved it, it was a great memory, and I would whole-heartedly recommend it to you. Make sure you are strong enough to enforce your rules, in case others' are unable or unwilling to. (I'm just saying, it could happen!)

 

[cjjrwe151]

If your uncomfortable or experiencing high anxiety, then it would probably be best to wait. If everyone involved wants to go "there", then it will eventually happen, but, if you are unsure or having second thoughts, then you may want to wait. Better to pass for now and work on communicating your feelings then jumping into a bad experience you may regret, however, you may also have a great time...but you have to be sure when you do commit.

 

[ace195008]

WOW, Fm and Cloudy10 good questions and observations. I havent been in a threesome either and Cloudly raised some of the questions i would. Thanks for your insight and open-ness FM..

 

[Shadow Thief]

I had my first 3-way about a year and a half ago, which I posted about in one of the other threads. It was with a new-at-the-time FWB (who I referred to as "Nina" in the other thread), and another friend ("Tiffany") that I had my eye on for quite some time, but nothing had ever happened with until then.

Communication and trust are important. I was open and honest with my Nina about my beliefs (particularly that I'm not mongamous), and gave her a chance to walk away before we ever did anything and before any feelings developed. It helped that she was very open-minded and willing to try new things. She considered herself straight, but she told me she was curious about doing it with another woman.

After we had been playing for a few weeks, we were hanging out with Tiffany, and it just sort of happened. There was no jealously or hard feelings of any kind, and Nina found out she truly loved sex with women. She now considers herself bi, but also says she won't do another woman on her own, only if it's with me. First, I did Tiffany from behind while she went down on Nina. Then Nina completely blew my mind by asking Tiffany if she'd like her to "return the favor." So they switched places and I did Nina the same way.

A few weeks later, Nina and I tried it again with this other girl I've been messing around with on and off for years. For some reason, this one didn't go as smoothly, and she ended up leaving right in the middle of it. I think I redeemed myself by stopping what I was doing to go after her, and once she realized I cared enough to do that, everything was OK. I wasn't going to ask her to do that again after how badly it went, but a few weeks later, she surprised me by wanting to try it again. We did, and everything went perfectly that time. We each got off twice, for a total of six orgasms.

 

[HornyVikingMN]

Meet first?

Full Disclosure: I've never done what you're contemplating, so take this advice for what it's worth.

If I were in your situation, I would want to meet the other couple in a public place at a time when there was NO opportunity to hop into bed together later that evening. In other words - meet them for dinner or drinks first, then decide if you want to set up a "date." It would take the immediate pressure off, help you to address some of your concerns, and make a less pressure-packed choice about whether, how and when to proceed to the fun part.