How do you know if your a sub or a dom?

[nh23]

EG is right; my objection is to the use of the word "true"- particularly when dealing with someone who has little or no understading of BDSM.

"True" implies that if you don't *NEED* to submit (how subjective is that?) that you are fake.

"True" implies that if you aren't black and white 100% either way, you are fake.

"True" implies that anyone who doesn't practice BDSM in XYZ manner (with the stamp of approval on their ass to prove it), is fake.

When I first began to explore my feelings with regards to power in relationships, I absorbed a lot of the "True submissives are X/True dominants are Z" stuff... IMO the "True" argument is a bunch of hogwash, as BDSM hinges on the needs of the individual parties involved in each relationship.

Under the "True" argument, it would be easy for one to claim that Shanky isn't a "True" Top/Dom- he's a cross dressing bisexual guy who spent quite a while as a bottom. You could argue Netz isn't a "True" Domme, because she tends to be pretty laid back about a lot of shit. You could argue that I'm not a "True" submissive, because I'd refuse to consider a realtionship with a Lover who wouldn't let me Top him- yet I most comfortably ID myself as submissive. You could just as easily argue Kajira and Catalina are "True" as they are slaves; Marquis is "True" as he is one hell of an Alpha male (with mini-harem), or that EG, AngelicAssassin, RJMasters, or DVS are "True" because (to my kowledge) none of them are interested in doing anything other than deliciously wicked things to a willing subject... In actuality, we are all exactly who we are, experiencing BDSM in a manner that works for our particular lives, and our personal truths, not some pre-conceived checklist-style notion of what a "True" Dominant or submissive is...

That is beautiful cutie! When i first started looking for BDSM sites online i found quite a few forums and sites that said if you were not living the BDSM lifestyle 24/7 that you were not true. In the relationship i have with my Dom it's not possible for it to be a 24/7 thing. Don't know that i would be comfortable with that even if it was possible. When i found this site i saw that most everyone accepted everyone else for what they were. it made me realize that there are so many possibilities and not one way was right or wrong. Doesn't mean i'm not true.. just means i may have a different way of doing things than other's do. This is a great forum... haven't found another one that is anywhere near as accepting of different ideas and ways of doing things.

 

[graceanne]

That is beautiful cutie! When i first started looking for BDSM sites online i found quite a few forums and sites that said if you were not living the BDSM lifestyle 24/7 that you were not true. In the relationship i have with my Dom it's not possible for it to be a 24/7 thing. Don't know that i would be comfortable with that even if it was possible. When i found this site i saw that most everyone accepted everyone else for what they were. it made me realize that there are so many possibilities and not one way was right or wrong. Doesn't mean i'm not true.. just means i may have a different way of doing things than other's do. This is a great forum... haven't found another one that is anywhere near as accepting of different ideas and ways of doing things.

No matter what you do or where you go you'll find people who know the one true way to do something. And if you don't do it that way, you're not 'real' or 'true'.

I once met a 'christian' who told me she didn't think people with tattoos and weird peircings could 'truelly' be saved. And everyone around us nodded and agreed. That woman didn't like me very much. After I finished coughing the tea I'd been drinking OUT of my lungs, I vehnemantly(sp?) argued it with her.

 

[omniavincet]

When Did You First Know?

This is an excellent discussion. I have a related question for everyone - I am pretty sure that people come to their sexual understandings in various ways - some through "just knowing," some through experiences good and bad, etc. But as one person pointed out, it often takes people time to sort these things out however you're doing it. My question, then, is: when did you first know that you were something different?

I knew from an extremely young age in a vague way (only kid who wanted to be tortured during neighborhood capture the flag games...), then grew into certainty as a teenager about my submissive and bisexual nature, and only found my dominant side as an adult in my 20's. I find it hard to classify myself at this point, not because I'm not sure or true, but I think because I'm a lot of those things.

OV

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... I once met a 'christian' who told me she didn't think people with tattoos and weird peircings could 'truelly' be saved. And everyone around us nodded and agreed. That woman didn't like me very much. After I finished coughing the tea I'd been drinking OUT of my lungs, I vehnemantly(sp?) argued it with her.

*LOL*
[/mini-hijack mode on]
She wouldn't like me either, gracie! You're in good company! We'll be in the "Totally Rockin' Kick-Ass Party" heaven, and she can hang out in the "Violin Muzak, Boring" heaven. [/mini-hijack mode off]

 

[graceanne]

*LOL*
[/mini-hijack mode on]
She wouldn't like me either, gracie! You're in good company! We'll be in the "Totally Rockin' Kick-Ass Party" heaven, and she can hang out in the "Violin Muzak, Boring" heaven. [/mini-hijack mode off]

Oh, that poor woman. LOL

 

[Evil_Geoff]

.... My question, then, is: when did you first know that you were something different?

OV

Hi OV,

My thoughts, feelings, fantasies about SM started about the time I figured out what the difference between boys and girls was for, and what I wanted to be doing to the girls before engaging in activities that the diffences would be fun for... *weg*

As for knowing I was "different" from most of my friends... At age 17, probably about the 5th time I went to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show... and realized that something in the movie spoke to me, touched me, in a way that my friends did not see or hear. I wanted to be doing the torturing, the beating, being the driving sexual force corrupting the innocent... *sighs happily remembering*

Unfortunately, rather than continuing to explore that facet of myself (except for a brief but glorious relationship I had in college) I found myself in the most vanilla of relationships until I hit my mid thirties. At that point I was finally able to admit who and what I was to myself, accept it, and get on with my life to become the real me. That was almost 10 years ago now, and I'm loving every minute of it!

 

[graceanne]

My question, then, is: when did you first know that you were something different?

If you're really interested their's a lot of threads along this line around here. You could research it.

But frankly my fantasy's were always kinky and involved pain. Of course how graphic they were changed as I got older, but I've got memories as early as eight that were kinky. For quite some time I felt that my masochism was a sin, and wouldn't discuss it or acknowledge it in any way. K tried to get me to talk about my fantasy's and stuff and I refused. But still, I found myself reading stories with alpha males. I typed 'alpha male stories' into google once which led me to a site which led me to another site which led me to another site . . . It was a pretty long process, but I learned more and more about bdsm, and found some sites that even dealt with the whole religious issue. Then I found my way here, and eventually me and K managed to talk about it. LOL

 

[Netzach]

2 out of three that I know are in jobs where they're the boss, too - but from what I've read and talking to other people they all say the oppopsit. *shrugs*

Oh, and did they actually say appaling? LOL K just says I'm a brat - no fun words like appaling.

Is being the boss at work actually "being in control of your life?"

Hee hee. I can boss my cat around all day and my gut still says "you don't run THIS show, asshole."

As you know....

 

[FurryFury]

How do you know if you are a sub or a dom?

You might not. You might not be either. You might need to experiment for a while before your gut check tells you.

Sometimes people change, as they explore as well.

I do know some folks who say they "always" knew. I sure as hell didn't. Good for them. Of course they totally screwed up the curve . . .

Fury

 

[BiBunny]

How do you know if you are a sub or a dom?

You might not. You might not be either. You might need to experiment for a while before your gut check tells you.

Sometimes people change, as they explore as well.

I do know some folks who say they "always" knew. I sure as hell didn't. Good for them. Of course they totally screwed up the curve . . .

Fury

I'm a switch. I still haven't made up my mind.

On a serious note, I sort of discovered my submission by accident. I knew I was a masochist from a very young age (6 or 7). Since the age of about 17 or so, I've been chasing my need for pain. When I met B., the submission came naturally. Even though I'd always labeled myself a sub, I wasn't really able to submit 'til I met him, at the age of 22. [/end sappiness]

I started exploring the other side out of curiosity a couple of years ago. I've found that I'm as big a sadist as I am a masochist. I still have yet feel that real dominant vibe with someone like I felt that real submissive vibe with B. when I met him. (We're both switches, but even when I Top him, I don't feel the dominant vibe. I just like hurting him.) I'm not saying I'll never find it, though.

So I guess I'm really more of a submissive who likes to Top occasionally, but "switch" is a much shorter way to express it. The moral of the story is that you never really know what you'll like until you try it.

 

[badbadgirl23]

*Reads the topic...partially, anyway.*

Personally, I like to dominate. It's more fun, and in my experience (which is exactly twice lol) men don't know how to do it without exacting a lot of pain. <_< The last time I was a sub, I found myself sore and aching for a week. Hell, I couldn't even get out of bed right... -_-

 

[TooTiredToLive]

<_< The last time I was a sub, I found myself sore and aching for a week. Hell, I couldn't even get out of bed right... -_-

Ummm... isn't that the point?

 

[badbadgirl23]

LOL Well yeah, I don't mind being sore for a day or two. But a whole week? I mean it's like being teased until you almost cum and then your partner not letting you. That's great a couple of times, but eventually you just end up playing with yourself because he or she won't let you do what you want to do so damn bad. <_<

Besides, like I said being a dom's more fun anyway. ^_^

 

[ARoss]

New to the sub/dom thing but I dont think it is about pain. at least not for me.

 

[CutieMouse]

New to the sub/dom thing but I dont think it is about pain. at least not for me.

If you're a masochist, pain is partly the goal... if you aren't, pain makes things not so much fun.

 

[badbadgirl23]

Exactly. If all you're trying to do is put someone in pain, you're not letting them enjoy it as much as you are. <_< Like I said, being sore for a couple days should be enough at max. I think it's all about trust - and I no longer trust either of the two men I was a sub to.

 

[ARoss]

I love the tease and the power of course, but I think I am more of a switch and not into the pain.


Rather have a woman beg out of need for release then beg for me to stop hurting her!

 

[FurryFury]

Try substituting the word pain for sensation.

Fury

 

[ARoss]

Very good point furry

That is the feedback I get .. not pain but feeling or sensation.

 

[CutieMouse]

Try substituting the word pain for sensation.

Fury

When I first started figuring myself out, I'd say "Oh but I'm not a pain slut... Nononono... that's not for me... I'm just interested in XYZ, and that pain stuff looks really horrible, no offense."

If someone had asked "But are you a sensation junkie?" I'd have said "Ummmmmmmm..."





















Now I just admit I'm a pain slut.

 

[ARoss]

That is so funny but true

Heck I love the feel of fingernails on my chest and getting my nipples twisted and the girl I play with is a self admitted pain slut. She loves to be bitten and I mean hard. She wants me to break the skin and I wont

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Now I just admit I'm a pain slut.

We have GOT to play! *LOL*

 

[FurryFury]

I think that makes some of what many call pain more understandable for more people. You get to a point where you can say, yes, I like pain. Most folks are NOT going to understand. Sensation they would understand much better. Really pain is simply a stimulus like many other sensations.

What's interesting to me is how differently you feel pain depending on when, how and what type is administered.

Fury

 

[CutieMouse]

We have GOT to play! *LOL*

LOL

I am very blessed that Someone important in my Life, carefully assisted me in conencting the dots between pleasure and pain over the last few years.

My roommate thinks I'm weird... she borrows books from my D/s library, and I helped her design a restraint system for her bed/a few toys this weekend (she and her partner do a lot of bondagy sort of things), so she's very understanding of where I'm at... except for the pain thing.

She'll be relating some story about something or other she and her partner were doing.

Me: "But why did you stop? If you'd have done ___ the pain receptors would have kicked in, and you'd get this *fabulous* endorphin rush!"

Her: "But that would HURT."

ME: "Aaaaaaannnnnnnd?"

*crickets chirp*

Her: *Sigh* "I love you. I'm not doing that. It'll hurt."

ROFL

 

[graceanne]

LOL

I am very blessed that Someone important in my Life, carefully assisted me in conencting the dots between pleasure and pain over the last few years.

My roommate thinks I'm weird... she borrows books from my D/s library, and I helped her design a restraint system for her bed/a few toys this weekend (she and her partner do a lot of bondagy sort of things), so she's very understanding of where I'm at... except for the pain thing.

She'll be relating some story about something or other she and her partner were doing.

Me: "But why did you stop? If you'd have done ___ the pain receptors would have kicked in, and you'd get this *fabulous* endorphin rush!"

Her: "But that would HURT."

ME: "Aaaaaaannnnnnnd?"

*crickets chirp*

Her: *Sigh* "I love you. I'm not doing that. It'll hurt."

ROFL

My best friend and I have similar conversations. lol I have way too much fun with her.