How does a bi-newbie guy come out to his wife?

[OralAllOver]

Usually these "how do I say" questions have an unstated motivation behind them.

Like (not putting words in your mouth, just giving examples)
"How do I say it so that the other person doesn't get mad?" or
"How do I say it so that they'll agree to give me something I want?" or
"How do I say it so that..." some other motivation succeeds.

Because the answer to "how do I say it" is trivially simple. I can't tell what your unstated motivation here is. But the answer to that will have a huge role in determining what to say next and how to say it.

Trivially easy? WHAT?

Not a change of subject: have u considered psychotropic medications? Maybe two of everything....
And regular empathy boosters

 

[Britva415]

Trivially easy? WHAT?

I’m assuming you have a tongue in your head and aren’t medically intubated, and have no other condition rendering you functionally mute.

You could do it right this instant if you wanted to.

The reason you don’t isn’t because you can’t talk, it’s because the agenda has other priorities besides just getting away with saying the words out loud, as if one could without any consequences or blowback.

Saying “honey, I’m bi” isn’t any harder than saying “please pass the salt.” That isn’t the hard part. The hard part is having it go the way you want it to, which is why it’s important to know and to say what that looks like instead of just asking “how do I say…” without spelling out what the agenda really is.

(I’m not trying to make this personal. I don’t know you or what your situation is. The “you” I’m referring to here is a generic and impersonal “you,” given some hypothetical person who finds theirself in a situation like what prompted the original question.)

 

[OralAllOver]

1) Emotions r real. This is not for debate.
2) Sexual "morality" can trigger wildly destructive and judgmental reactions. Also not for debate
3) Spouses have great power involving everything and everyone you value
4) Hurting a spouse should be avoided if possible, a sometimes fraught determination
5) Dude, your way, your thoughts r not the only valuable ones. Open your mind and heart

 

[SissyBrandi19]

I’ve read a lot about guys like me here on lit. Sounds like I’m pretty typical for this situation. Mid 60s, 2nd wife of five years is late 50s. As far as that relationship goes, we have what seems like something almost ideal, including fantastic, frequent sex. In this relationship, I am the more dominant and adventurous, she is content to be support staff, as she says. I guess I really shouldn’t complain too much, she’s willing anytime, and enjoys it immensely. She’s just not one to initiate it very much and is happy for me to take the lead in all that we do. I read elsewhere here about men being described as wanting more in the bedroom, that is to be able to be submissive. The description that I’ve read says that we spend our adult lives, careers, being the alpha, the dominant, the breadwinner, the dad, the in-charge, responsible one, and at the end of the day sometimes we need a sexual relationship where we can be submissive, as a respite from all of that. We need someone else who will take charge, and let us enjoy being nurtured, attended to, the submissive in a dominant – submissive role play. Combine that with the fact that seven or eight years ago, I started having bi sexual fantasies… very typical of ones described here so often. I’m not so much attracted to a male/male relationship as I am to wanting a sexual relationship with another male or males. I want to suck cock, I want mine sucked, I want to be fucked in the ass, so badly first, and eventually return that favor. I can see myself making out passionately with another guy in the middle of all of that. I’m not into cross-dressing myself, but I have seen photos of cross-dressed men that really turned me on because they look so much like a sexy woman. Trans girls interest me, but I’ve never been around one, that I know of. Maybe that’s in my future also someday.

I’ve sucked one cock, about seven years ago. It changed my life. Since then, I have fantasized about it daily, but nothing more. My wife of five years and I have found her limits, she’s not really into blowjobs, and is quite uncomfortable with the idea of pegging me. This leaves me desperately wanting to experience cocks in my mouth again, mine in someone else’s, and being fucked in the ass like you can’t imagine.

We have a very private, secluded home in the woods, and I work from home. I spend most days naked after she leaves for work. I think I’ve masturbated in every single room in this house. She knows all of that and is OK with it. She knows I am much more sexual than she is and accepts that. She struggles with her own boundaries and the idea that she’s not enough for me. It’s life, and we both love the relationship we have and each other enough that we are OK with it. Yet I still want so much more. I asked her once, hypothetically, if we were to bring a third person into our bedroom for fun, just purely recreational sex, would she prefer another guy or another girl? I’ve said before here that she dodged that question by saying she guessed my preference would be for another guy, so he could peg me. That leads me to wonder if she might be open to that, to accepting my desires and being OK with letting me play with other guys Just to scratch that itch.

I didn’t intend for this to be so long winded, but that’s the situation. The point of this post is to ask how others came out to their wives. I’ve hinted to my wife about some of this, but either too vaguely, or she got the hint but chose not to respond. I want to play with other guys so badly that I’m wanting to know how others have come out to their wives. I don’t like the idea of sneaking around behind her back, that’s probably what’s prevented me from going any further so far. If I just came out and told her, I don’t think it would be the end of our relationship, but she might have a hard time dealing with it, more so because it would add to her feelings of inadequacy that she already struggles with. Or, she may just object to it entirely. I don’t know. Do I hint a little more explicitly? Do I just blurt it out in plain language? Hypothetically, after sex with her, in a sort of “how would you feel if…” way?

I’d love to hear how others did this and how it turned out for you.

How to come out to your wife? Easy. Four words: Honey? This is Gary!

 

[jchtlit]

I’ve read a lot about guys like me here on lit. Sounds like I’m pretty typical for this situation. Mid 60s, 2nd wife of five years is late 50s. As far as that relationship goes, we have what seems like something almost ideal, including fantastic, frequent sex. In this relationship, I am the more dominant and adventurous, she is content to be support staff, as she says. I guess I really shouldn’t complain too much, she’s willing anytime, and enjoys it immensely. She’s just not one to initiate it very much and is happy for me to take the lead in all that we do. I read elsewhere here about men being described as wanting more in the bedroom, that is to be able to be submissive. The description that I’ve read says that we spend our adult lives, careers, being the alpha, the dominant, the breadwinner, the dad, the in-charge, responsible one, and at the end of the day sometimes we need a sexual relationship where we can be submissive, as a respite from all of that. We need someone else who will take charge, and let us enjoy being nurtured, attended to, the submissive in a dominant – submissive role play. Combine that with the fact that seven or eight years ago, I started having bi sexual fantasies… very typical of ones described here so often. I’m not so much attracted to a male/male relationship as I am to wanting a sexual relationship with another male or males. I want to suck cock, I want mine sucked, I want to be fucked in the ass, so badly first, and eventually return that favor. I can see myself making out passionately with another guy in the middle of all of that. I’m not into cross-dressing myself, but I have seen photos of cross-dressed men that really turned me on because they look so much like a sexy woman. Trans girls interest me, but I’ve never been around one, that I know of. Maybe that’s in my future also someday.

I’ve sucked one cock, about seven years ago. It changed my life. Since then, I have fantasized about it daily, but nothing more. My wife of five years and I have found her limits, she’s not really into blowjobs, and is quite uncomfortable with the idea of pegging me. This leaves me desperately wanting to experience cocks in my mouth again, mine in someone else’s, and being fucked in the ass like you can’t imagine.

We have a very private, secluded home in the woods, and I work from home. I spend most days naked after she leaves for work. I think I’ve masturbated in every single room in this house. She knows all of that and is OK with it. She knows I am much more sexual than she is and accepts that. She struggles with her own boundaries and the idea that she’s not enough for me. It’s life, and we both love the relationship we have and each other enough that we are OK with it. Yet I still want so much more. I asked her once, hypothetically, if we were to bring a third person into our bedroom for fun, just purely recreational sex, would she prefer another guy or another girl? I’ve said before here that she dodged that question by saying she guessed my preference would be for another guy, so he could peg me. That leads me to wonder if she might be open to that, to accepting my desires and being OK with letting me play with other guys Just to scratch that itch.

I didn’t intend for this to be so long winded, but that’s the situation. The point of this post is to ask how others came out to their wives. I’ve hinted to my wife about some of this, but either too vaguely, or she got the hint but chose not to respond. I want to play with other guys so badly that I’m wanting to know how others have come out to their wives. I don’t like the idea of sneaking around behind her back, that’s probably what’s prevented me from going any further so far. If I just came out and told her, I don’t think it would be the end of our relationship, but she might have a hard time dealing with it, more so because it would add to her feelings of inadequacy that she already struggles with. Or, she may just object to it entirely. I don’t know. Do I hint a little more explicitly? Do I just blurt it out in plain language? Hypothetically, after sex with her, in a sort of “how would you feel if…” way?

I’d love to hear how others did this and how it turned out for you.

I am in the same situation as you are. I too need some suggestions.

 

[Oshkosh60]

How much do you value the relationship and is it more important than your desire to suck and be fucked by a guy. If she has been backing off the pegging it is probably already wondering where it might lead to. Not everyone is good with their partner being involved in a same sex relationship. So, telling her is fine and good .... and feel free to ask.... but at the risk that the answer will be a hard "NO" and things might go south with the marriage.

 

[panty_aussie]

well she wont suck you're cock or do much sexually with you?.

is she into you still ?

i have had experience with previous partner were she stopped wanting to have fun with me.

Its strange especially if they were into you a lot and it does change over time but if they dont want to have much to with you sexually and emotionally then it maybe over

 

[trucker6142]

I’ve read a lot about guys like me here on lit. Sounds like I’m pretty typical for this situation. Mid 60s, 2nd wife of five years is late 50s. As far as that relationship goes, we have what seems like something almost ideal, including fantastic, frequent sex. In this relationship, I am the more dominant and adventurous, she is content to be support staff, as she says. I guess I really shouldn’t complain too much, she’s willing anytime, and enjoys it immensely. She’s just not one to initiate it very much and is happy for me to take the lead in all that we do. I read elsewhere here about men being described as wanting more in the bedroom, that is to be able to be submissive. The description that I’ve read says that we spend our adult lives, careers, being the alpha, the dominant, the breadwinner, the dad, the in-charge, responsible one, and at the end of the day sometimes we need a sexual relationship where we can be submissive, as a respite from all of that. We need someone else who will take charge, and let us enjoy being nurtured, attended to, the submissive in a dominant – submissive role play. Combine that with the fact that seven or eight years ago, I started having bi sexual fantasies… very typical of ones described here so often. I’m not so much attracted to a male/male relationship as I am to wanting a sexual relationship with another male or males. I want to suck cock, I want mine sucked, I want to be fucked in the ass, so badly first, and eventually return that favor. I can see myself making out passionately with another guy in the middle of all of that. I’m not into cross-dressing myself, but I have seen photos of cross-dressed men that really turned me on because they look so much like a sexy woman. Trans girls interest me, but I’ve never been around one, that I know of. Maybe that’s in my future also someday.

I’ve sucked one cock, about seven years ago. It changed my life. Since then, I have fantasized about it daily, but nothing more. My wife of five years and I have found her limits, she’s not really into blowjobs, and is quite uncomfortable with the idea of pegging me. This leaves me desperately wanting to experience cocks in my mouth again, mine in someone else’s, and being fucked in the ass like you can’t imagine.

We have a very private, secluded home in the woods, and I work from home. I spend most days naked after she leaves for work. I think I’ve masturbated in every single room in this house. She knows all of that and is OK with it. She knows I am much more sexual than she is and accepts that. She struggles with her own boundaries and the idea that she’s not enough for me. It’s life, and we both love the relationship we have and each other enough that we are OK with it. Yet I still want so much more. I asked her once, hypothetically, if we were to bring a third person into our bedroom for fun, just purely recreational sex, would she prefer another guy or another girl? I’ve said before here that she dodged that question by saying she guessed my preference would be for another guy, so he could peg me. That leads me to wonder if she might be open to that, to accepting my desires and being OK with letting me play with other guys Just to scratch that itch.

I didn’t intend for this to be so long winded, but that’s the situation. The point of this post is to ask how others came out to their wives. I’ve hinted to my wife about some of this, but either too vaguely, or she got the hint but chose not to respond. I want to play with other guys so badly that I’m wanting to know how others have come out to their wives. I don’t like the idea of sneaking around behind her back, that’s probably what’s prevented me from going any further so far. If I just came out and told her, I don’t think it would be the end of our relationship, but she might have a hard time dealing with it, more so because it would add to her feelings of inadequacy that she already struggles with. Or, she may just object to it entirely. I don’t know. Do I hint a little more explicitly? Do I just blurt it out in plain language? Hypothetically, after sex with her, in a sort of “how would you feel if…” way?

I’d love to hear how others did this and how it turned out for you.

My wife and I clicked on gay porn, just to see what was happening.
The more we watched , the more I noticed she was enjoying it.
I made the comment , I wonder what it feels like to have a cock in my ass.
I have told her, id be willing to be with a guy, since I kniw you live watching two men.
You want to see your husband fucked don't you?
Needless to say we're looking here in the southern Idaho area.

 

[lifeis2short2b]

I’ve read a lot about guys like me here on lit. Sounds like I’m pretty typical for this situation. Mid 60s, 2nd wife of five years is late 50s. As far as that relationship goes, we have what seems like something almost ideal, including fantastic, frequent sex. In this relationship, I am the more dominant and adventurous, she is content to be support staff, as she says. I guess I really shouldn’t complain too much, she’s willing anytime, and enjoys it immensely. She’s just not one to initiate it very much and is happy for me to take the lead in all that we do. I read elsewhere here about men being described as wanting more in the bedroom, that is to be able to be submissive. The description that I’ve read says that we spend our adult lives, careers, being the alpha, the dominant, the breadwinner, the dad, the in-charge, responsible one, and at the end of the day sometimes we need a sexual relationship where we can be submissive, as a respite from all of that. We need someone else who will take charge, and let us enjoy being nurtured, attended to, the submissive in a dominant – submissive role play. Combine that with the fact that seven or eight years ago, I started having bi sexual fantasies… very typical of ones described here so often. I’m not so much attracted to a male/male relationship as I am to wanting a sexual relationship with another male or males. I want to suck cock, I want mine sucked, I want to be fucked in the ass, so badly first, and eventually return that favor. I can see myself making out passionately with another guy in the middle of all of that. I’m not into cross-dressing myself, but I have seen photos of cross-dressed men that really turned me on because they look so much like a sexy woman. Trans girls interest me, but I’ve never been around one, that I know of. Maybe that’s in my future also someday.

I’ve sucked one cock, about seven years ago. It changed my life. Since then, I have fantasized about it daily, but nothing more. My wife of five years and I have found her limits, she’s not really into blowjobs, and is quite uncomfortable with the idea of pegging me. This leaves me desperately wanting to experience cocks in my mouth again, mine in someone else’s, and being fucked in the ass like you can’t imagine.

We have a very private, secluded home in the woods, and I work from home. I spend most days naked after she leaves for work. I think I’ve masturbated in every single room in this house. She knows all of that and is OK with it. She knows I am much more sexual than she is and accepts that. She struggles with her own boundaries and the idea that she’s not enough for me. It’s life, and we both love the relationship we have and each other enough that we are OK with it. Yet I still want so much more. I asked her once, hypothetically, if we were to bring a third person into our bedroom for fun, just purely recreational sex, would she prefer another guy or another girl? I’ve said before here that she dodged that question by saying she guessed my preference would be for another guy, so he could peg me. That leads me to wonder if she might be open to that, to accepting my desires and being OK with letting me play with other guys Just to scratch that itch.

I didn’t intend for this to be so long winded, but that’s the situation. The point of this post is to ask how others came out to their wives. I’ve hinted to my wife about some of this, but either too vaguely, or she got the hint but chose not to respond. I want to play with other guys so badly that I’m wanting to know how others have come out to their wives. I don’t like the idea of sneaking around behind her back, that’s probably what’s prevented me from going any further so far. If I just came out and told her, I don’t think it would be the end of our relationship, but she might have a hard time dealing with it, more so because it would add to her feelings of inadequacy that she already struggles with. Or, she may just object to it entirely. I don’t know. Do I hint a little more explicitly? Do I just blurt it out in plain language? Hypothetically, after sex with her, in a sort of “how would you feel if…” way?

I’d love to hear how others did this and how it turned out for you.

Based on your previous posts, This "Story" is full of holes

 

[dingdongditchding]

I am divorced. My ex knows I at least have bi fantasies. I did not cheat. After divorce I have sucked cock. Me telling bi fantasies in the bedroom was not why we got divorced. Well...my .02$... IDK marriages dont last anymore. Maybe if couples could have hall passes they would stay together. Or the 3rd may interfere with the marriage. IDK

 

[liqueur]

Is my pleasure worth the pain it could cause her?

I wouldn't think so, no. I say this as a 75 year old, looking back on a couple of life-changing decisions I made over the years that resulted in great pain for people I loved.

Or is it plausible that I could somehow explore with her understanding and acceptance.

You mean, cheat. That's what an astonishing number of people on here do. I'm not entirely innocent, but I have to warn you: if you do, and things go sideways and she finds out, them the pain you've caused her will increase by a factor of 10.

 

[BlueChamisa]

You mean, cheat.

Boy, that’s not what I read at all.

Also, re blanket condemnation of “cheating” (loaded word that mean just about anything to different people), I find it, at least, lacking in compassion.

In most cases of infidelity, we on the outside know very little about the situation. I try to refrain from open judgment.

I’m not advocating for infidelity, just for more compassion and humility.

And by my reading, the person responded to simply proposed talking to their partner about their desires and needs. If done skillfully, hard to see how that’s bad.

Enmeshment is not our friend.

 

[liqueur]

Boy, that’s not what I read at all.

Oh, jeeze, @Kuriousnomore, my apologies! I misread, thought you said “without her understanding and acceptance.” mea culpa

Also, re blanket condemnation of “cheating” (loaded word that mean just about anything to different people), I find it, at least, lacking in compassion.

No moral judgement there. As I said, I'm not innocent myself. I'm just trying to be realistic. I've been on all three sides of the cheating my triangle in my life— the cheater, the cheated, and the cheated with— and in my experience, unless it's done with extreme caution and mindfulness (things that typically don't go hand in hand with lust), then somebody always gets hurt. Usually, all three people.

 

[JT1999]

It might be a major turn off for her to know that you're bi. I used to be on Empty Closets, an LGBTQ forum. This was a common thing, guys coming out to their wives as bi and basically it was either the beginning of the end or they inevitably went back into the closet to keep the marriage alive. It didn't seem to work out well very often.

Us women can be pretty judgemental about this, we aren't like most men who would probably give their left nut to see their wife get it on with another woman. My husband is cool with me being bi, he has known since before we were an item. He's the love of my life and even as accepting as I am of all things queer, this would be a difficult one for me. It's not a fantasy of mine at all.

If you're wife is highly sexual and has a bi side herself, you might have more luck, but even this is no guarantee.

 

[BlueChamisa]

It might be a major turn off for her to know that you're bi. I used to be on Empty Closets, an LGBTQ forum. This was a common thing, guys coming out to their wives as bi and basically it was either the beginning of the end or they inevitably went back into the closet to keep the marriage alive. It didn't seem to work out well very often.

Us women can be pretty judgemental about this, we aren't like most men who would probably give their left nut to see their wife get it on with another woman. My husband is cool with me being bi, he has known since before we were an item. He's the love of my life and even as accepting as I am of all things queer, this would be a difficult one for me. It's not a fantasy of mine at all.

If you're wife is highly sexual and has a bi side herself, you might have more luck, but even this is no guarantee.

Sincere question: Given your bisexuality, would you ever consider giving him permission to explore his bi side, even if you did not wish to be part of it?

 

[Litme2]

I am divorced. My ex knows I at least have bi fantasies. I did not cheat. After divorce I have sucked cock. Me telling bi fantasies in the bedroom was not why we got divorced. Well...my .02$... IDK marriages dont last anymore. Maybe if couples could have hall passes they would stay together. Or the 3rd may interfere with the marriage. IDK

Where in Michigan do you live?

 

[JT1999]

Sincere question: Given your bisexuality, would you ever consider giving him permission to explore his bi side, even if you did not wish to be part of it?

If that scenario ever happened, it'd be hypocritical of me not to give permission. I don't think it would affect his ability to be a good husband and father, but I think it might seriously affect how I see him and how attracted to him I am.

 

[Oshkosh60]

Hypocritical in what way ? Are you bi ? I agree with your statement about being a good person and father. But yeah, there are things that are deal killers with many people. I have been a closeted panty wearer my whole life. Strong, tall masculine type.... I just came in from splitting firewood and it is sub-zero. You get the picture. But my partner I am certain only wants the total masculine me . Though she likes how I can be very thoughtful and kind and considerate to others (me expressing what I like to think of as my feminine side) she would be very unhappy to know that I wear.

 

[JT1999]

Hypocritical in what way ? Are you bi ? I agree with your statement about being a good person and father. But yeah, there are things that are deal killers with many people. I have been a closeted panty wearer my whole life. Strong, tall masculine type.... I just came in from splitting firewood and it is sub-zero. You get the picture. But my partner I am certain only wants the total masculine me . Though she likes how I can be very thoughtful and kind and considerate to others (me expressing what I like to think of as my feminine side) she would be very unhappy to know that I wear.

Yes I’m bisexual. I told my now-husband the night we met - so he’s always known and been accepting. Infact when we met, I would never have even considered him as a potential partner, I hadn’t been with a guy for years then, the idea of it didn’t really cross my mind in a serious way untiltil quite a while later. It was about 6 months after we met before we were anything more than flirty friends, and another couple of years after that until our relationship became more serious. From about 2015, a couple of years before I met my husband up until just before I sold my flat and moved in with him in late 2023 I had quite a few friends with benefits things going on, no men just women. He’s always known about those too, even since before we were serious I would tell him about whatever girl I was seeing, and I’d ask him how he was getting on with finding a wife. Never thought back then it would be me

But basically that’s why I would see it as hypocritical….

 

[JT1999]

I think you’re probably right about your wife too, by the way. Most of my girl friends would not take something like that well I don’t think. What men expect of women and what women expect of men are quite different. It isn’t necessarily fair, but I don’t think it does anyone any good to pretend otherwise.

 

[Oshkosh60]

Such a sweet story JT..... still, historically speaking, society has always been much more accepting of female/ female relationships than male/ male relationships. So yeah.... If going into it I knew that my partner had been with other women, I could support that and I even thought at one point my wife was in a relationship with another woman. I was good with that, as long as she wasn't with another man.

 

[Oshkosh60]

Yeah, thanks for offering your view point up. I had chatted with a lot of crossdressers who had their relationships end over their wearing. I always thought that it might have been because they perceived it as almost a competition that the partner did not relish. She is trying to perhaps be put more together than her female peers.... and then suddenly here is her spouse who is wearing a dress size smaller than her and has nicer panties......

I obviously don't know if that plays a part..... some probably were looking for that Prince Charming and not Princess Not-So-Charming. And life is not fair but because we wish that others understood our desires doesn't make it so..... I don't fault the women, just to be clear, I think their position is totally understandable.

 

[Oshkosh60]

So I know the score. I will continue to secretly wear at times as I have for the past 50 years. There have been a few women who have been privy to the secret and supportive but none were girlfriends or my ex-wife.

 

[JT1999]

Yeah I suppose it is one way that women had it easier, historically speaking. While homosexual men were jailed and chemically castrated, homosexual women basically were just ignored, probably because the men in charge were simply not interested in what women got up to behind closed doors.

I think the problem wives & girlfriends might have with cross dressing (or bisexual) men is not that it’s competition but that it’s emasculating. Some women will take pleasure in emasculating their own men - not that I think it makes them happier in the long run - but very few women would accept a man who emasculates himself, or allows others to do so. I think emasculation is a desire killer, and desire is the basis of bonding.

 

[Britva415]

basically that’s why I would see it as hypocritical…

I still don't exactly get it. Do you have permission to go fool around with women while married? It doesn't sound like you do, it sounds like that all stopped when you got married. If that's the case, then, there would be no hypocrisy in expecting him to also not go extramarital on you.