How to be comfortable with intimacy?

[tenchikoi]

I've met this new guy. But there's a problem. I'm still very much in love with the man I was previously with. We're no longer together and I haven't seen him in quite a while. This new guy, he's said that he loves me, though I haven't said it to him. I want to learn to love him and be with him so maybe I can get over my ex. I don't want to use him because I honestly want to be with him. I want to be intimate with him, but each time I feel like I want to try I get so uncomfortable and skittish. I *really* want to get over my ex so I can move on with my life. Or maybe I'm going about it the wrong way? Any words of wisdom?

 

[Sleazy19]

All I can say is that you can't rush things. It takes time to get over a person, especially if you've spent a long time with them. How long has it been since you broke up with your ex? I think it's understandable that you're not comfortable being intimate with this new guy since you're still in love with someone else. Again it takes time, you have to be patient.

 

[tenchikoi]

All I can say is that you can't rush things. It takes time to get over a person, especially if you've spent a long time with them. How long has it been since you broke up with your ex? I think it's understandable that you're not comfortable being intimate with this new guy since you're still in love with someone else. Again it takes time, you have to be patient.

I don't want him to think I'm not interested since I very much am.

 

[Sleazy19]

How about telling this new guy how you really feel? How do you think he will react? I believe being honest is the best thing you can do in any circumstance. If this guy really loves you, he will understand and give you time. Let him know you ARE really interested in him though.
On the how to begin to love him, well you can't force yourself to love someone, but spending as much time as you can with that person, sharing things with them and getting to know them is what really leads to loving someone. But that's just my opinion.

 

[ninevahcatgirl77]

Oh boy, where to begin... There are some serious problems here. First of all, I can't help but notice you make no mention of why you're not still with the man you love. If you still haven't dealt with the issues that broke you two up, your feelings about it could be a major roadblock to any new relationship.
Second is the fact that you're still in love with the first guy. You say you don't want to use this new man but unfortunately, you already are. You're using him to block the pain and loneliness of not being with your ex and it's not fair to him. "I want to learn to love him..." That sort of phrase is generally reserved for arranged marriages, in-laws, or step-family members. You can't force genuine love for someone. If it's there, it's there and if it isn't you're wasting your time and his.
That skittishness you feel when you try to go further? That's your subconscious mind telling you that you're not ready for this. Whatever the problem is that keeps you from moving on, it's something you need to deal with soon, possibly in therapy. The sexual hang up coupled with the long term inability to get over your ex is troubling. A professional can help you get to the root of it. In the meantime, do the new guy a favor. Tell him the truth and let him go. If he's still available after you get things sorted out and you really do feel something for him, then feel free to try again.

 

[sunandshadow]

Mentally, I would say try not to think about the old guy and not to compare the new guy to him, put that part of your life behind you and make a fresh start.

 

[SweetErika]

Oh boy, where to begin... There are some serious problems here. First of all, I can't help but notice you make no mention of why you're not still with the man you love. If you still haven't dealt with the issues that broke you two up, your feelings about it could be a major roadblock to any new relationship.
Second is the fact that you're still in love with the first guy. You say you don't want to use this new man but unfortunately, you already are. You're using him to block the pain and loneliness of not being with your ex and it's not fair to him. "I want to learn to love him..." That sort of phrase is generally reserved for arranged marriages, in-laws, or step-family members. You can't force genuine love for someone. If it's there, it's there and if it isn't you're wasting your time and his.
That skittishness you feel when you try to go further? That's your subconscious mind telling you that you're not ready for this. Whatever the problem is that keeps you from moving on, it's something you need to deal with soon, possibly in therapy. The sexual hang up coupled with the long term inability to get over your ex is troubling. A professional can help you get to the root of it. In the meantime, do the new guy a favor. Tell him the truth and let him go. If he's still available after you get things sorted out and you really do feel something for him, then feel free to try again.

Very, very wise words.

Take Nine's advice to heart, Tenchikoi! It's the best thing you can do for yourself and this new guy. It's unfair to use him like you're currently doing (even subconsciously), and not being honest with him now will only lead to a lot of pain for you both down the road. Then you'll be trying to deal with two awful situations, instead of just the one.

I think it's okay to love someone from the past. But "the past" is the key phrase there - you can remember him fondly, with love in your heart, while still having made peace with the fact that you're not together anymore and moving forward. It's the dwelling on the previous relationship/person and feeding the hopes that you'll get back together that is problematic. Grieve the loss, and put it to rest while hanging on to the warm memories, but move on.

 

[Troubadourp]

How to be comfortable with intimacy

that skittishness can be sering as a safwty valve from bringing that first relationship to closure
It takes time to learn to cherish all that was good and then let go and go forward and be free to be honest and be fully available for the new man

 

[Troubadourp]

How to be comfortable with intimacy

that skittishness can be serving as a safety valve from bringing that first relationship to closure
It takes time to learn to cherish all that was good and then let go and go forward and be free to be honest and be fully available for the new man