How to be more polite...

[Fuckette]

Obviously you fail the mental ride how to express negative traits in a positive manner, too, as I see no real suggestion from you.


But maybe the "fat ugly" thing is too close to reality for some here and so they have trouble with the necessary distance - so let me rephrase the question:

How do you tell someone who has bad breath that (s)he has bad breath and should do something about? (http://www.badbreathogram.com/ could work, but you get the point of the question.. maybe.)

Hear that? It's the bad breath patrol.

 

[Primalex]

Being a rude bastard is a choice and can be easily overcome, a woman's appearance which is based largely on genetics is not a choice she made and not easily to changed.

http://www.absolutad.com/gallery/originals_bullshit1_ranndino.jpg

 

[Noor]

Would you prefer a "Sorry, I think you are too short, your cock is too thin and stumpy and don't want to play with you" over a "Thank you, <insert fake excuse of your choice>"?

 

[Noor]

http://www.absolutad.com/gallery/originals_bullshit1_ranndino.jpg

stay around sweetie, we will beat you into shape...

 

[Netzach]

You never learned that "Mint?" (offer) trick, did you?

Or stay the fuck out of breathing range. (IE don't answer the email, who cares whether that makes you a coward or whatever, problem solved.)

Obviously you're MUCH more worried about people thinking you're the kind of asshole who doesn't answer email then the kind of asshole who's an asshole, hey we all pick our poison.

 

[Primalex]

Would you prefer a "Sorry, I think you are too short, your cock is too thin and stumpy and don't want to play with you" over a "Thank you, <insert fake excuse of your choice>"?

Yes, if it's the true reason.

Would I never prefer a lie? Hm... after thinking some time about it.
"I fucked your best friend and prefer him over you, because he is much better." This is where I would prefer the lie, but not because of the humiliation factor, but because I would hate to beat one of my friends up for fucking my girl behind my back.

 

[Noor]

I suppose if you have guinea pigs you can't be all bad.

I don't think you should be needlessly hurting people whose only offense is wanting to be in your life.

 

[graceanne]

I cannot believe that you are worried about being polite.

Either way, telling her she's fat it rude. If you're actually worried about being polite, don't do it. If you are more worried about being honest, then fine be rude. She won't thank you for being honest, so being honest will all be about you. *shrugs*

 

[Noor]

Yes, if it's the true reason.

Would I never prefer a lie? Hm... after thinking some time about it.
"I fucked your best friend and prefer him over you, because he is much better." This is where I would prefer the lie, but not because of the humiliation factor, but because I would hate to beat one of my friends up for fucking my girl behind my back.

Being needlessly cruel in the name of honesty is ill-manner to say the least.

 

[BiBunny]

General Advice: There's a thing called tact. Sometimes I choose to use it, and sometimes I don't. I find that if I usually use it, though, it has far more impact when I don't. (And while I make mistakes sometimes, I try not to be an asshole unless there's a good reason--like somebody's going to do something horrifically stupid.) If people are used to you acting like a cunt all the time, they ignore it. If people think you're generally an ok person, and you suddenly become ugly with them, then they may think twice before doing said stupid thing. Keep this in mind and engage the brain to mouth (or keyboard) filter, as it were.

Also, remember that some people's sense of humor doesn't translate well through text. Mine doesn't. I'm sort of deadpan sarcastic in real life, and a lot of times, if I don't think it through well, I insult people when I type out what popped in my head because without my facial expressions and vocal inflections, it just looks like I'm being an asshole. The same thing may happen to you.

Furthermore, while, yes, some of us would rather hear the cold, hard truth (and I tend to be one of those people), most people would rather hear a polite little white lie and get on with their lives. For that reason, if I'm not interested in someone who sends me a message online, I'll either respond back with a generic reply like, "Thank you for your interest. It's really appreciated. However, in reviewing your profile, I don't think the two of us will be compatible. Good luck in your search!" or I'll just not answer at all if I don't feel kind enough to reply.

Did that help, or no? (Assuming you were being serious in the asking, that is.)

 

[Primalex]

Obviously you're MUCH more worried about people thinking you're the kind of asshole who doesn't answer email then the kind of asshole who's an asshole

Yes, indeed. I know, playing the "I'm not there" game is very popular in the virtual world. But I think going invisible on IM without a word f.e. is much more impolite than "Sorry, I don't want to talk with you any longer." It's unfair. I would rather lie than not reply at all. And I prefer the truth over the lie.

 

[Fuckette]

Primalex,
I have to go pick up my kid from school. Good luck and let us know how she takes it.

 

[Primalex]

I don't think you should be needlessly hurting people whose only offense is wanting to be in your life.

Which is way I'm asking here in the first place. I know zillion ways of how to needlessly hurt people. One or two other ways wouldn't be bad.

 

[graceanne]

Being needlessly cruel in the name of honesty is ill-manner to say the least.

Being cruel in the name of honesty has nothing to do with honesty. If someone asks 'am i fat' and you say yes, that's honesty. Telling someone, who hasn't asked your opinion of their looks and/or weight, that they're fat has NOTHING to do with honesty, and everything to do with making yourself feel superior and good about yourself. It's another form of selfishness, the whole 'what about me' syndrome. If you actually care about the person's feeling you keep your opinion to yourself unless asked for it.

 

[where]

Which is way I'm asking here in the first place. I know zillion ways of how to needlessly hurt people. One or two other ways wouldn't be bad.

so lie to her and she won't get hurt! It won't kill you will it?

 

[Primalex]

"Thank you for your interest. It's really appreciated. However, in reviewing your profile, I don't think the two of us will be compatible. Good luck in your search!"

I guess this is as close as I can get to the truth, hm?

 

[BiBunny]

I guess this is as close as I can get to the truth, hm?

It actually *is* the truth, isn't it? Just not the whole truth.

I'm good at that. I can't bring myself to outright lie, so I'll just sort of inch around it and tell a partial truth instead. Makes everybody feel better.

 

[graceanne]

It actually *is* the truth, isn't it? Just not the whole truth.

I'm good at that. I can't bring myself to outright lie, so I'll just sort of inch around it and tell a partial truth instead. Makes everybody feel better.

That's called tactful honesty. It's a good combination, and pretty much what I do when I'm called on for honesty. You know, when I can't just back out of a thread before anyone knew I was there.

 

[Tyr51]

I'll give an answer....

I was raised by a Southern Belle. Truly, they can handle sticky situations better than most anyone I've encountered. :lol


Telling her you prefer another type, disparaging her, etc. is rude. But frankly, so is soliciting a sexual relationship from someone you don't know. If she wrote to you without provication? She stepped over the boundry first. The answer is simply "I'm sorry, I'm not looking right now." If her advance was polite and you're feeling generous, you can add "But thank you for thinking of me!"

If she is responding to an add you posted?

Well, posting an add for a sexual relationship sort of negates what is considered appropriate and thus doesn't really come with an etiquette handbook. Judith Martin will be the first person to back this up... the behavior itself is outside of the boundries of what is "polite", and as such you just do your best to keep it quiet and as private as possible. My thought is that if an ad is posted without specifying that you value health and are looking for a partner who does the same? You set yourself up.

If you wish to be polite, I'd think you'd best be served by the "prom" rules, as outlined by my sainted Mother. ^^

If someone asks you to go out to the prom, especially if you have indicated you are looking, you have several acceptable answers!
a) yes
b) Oh, gosh... I am so flattered! Thank you! But I am already going there with someone else.
c) My plans have changed, unfortunately, and I cannot go. But thank you so much for asking me!

You are not allowed to say "yeah, if you were just prettier/more popular/thinner I could do it. But you're not."

If that is the case? You use option C.
And then you do NOT go to Prom. You're not allowed to keep looking in a way that would embaress the other person.


So. Did she contact you out of the blue? "I'm just not interested, but thank you." Was she answering an advertisement, or did you find this out after some steamy correspondance? "Some circumstances in my life have changed; I'm no longer looking for this kind of relationship with someone (you dont have to specify why)." And then you say only nice things to them from then on.... but ones with boundries. Eventually the point will get across. And you never, ever, publically advertise where they are going to see again. At least, not for a very long time.

"Manners" don't really have a manual in a setting like this.
But wherever you find yourself, I generally expect that if you act with discression, care for the feelings of others, empathy, and don't indulge in the need to be too "honest" (generally used as an excuse to be cruel), or feel the need to emotionally dump on others? You'll be more or less ok.

Just think of people before you think of yourself.

 

[rida]

Since you have already got a lot of good advise, here is a half joking line:

Sorry, we are not genetically compatible.

 

[Primalex]

My thought is that if an ad is posted without specifying that you value health and are looking for a partner who does the same? You set yourself up.

Now this is an interesting point. Thanks.

Of course I don't value health per se, I don't mind a smoking, drinking, bungee-jumping, bareback-loving slut as play partner, I just prefer someone who is hmm.. "not bad looking". This is of course not the only prerequisite, but when I think it's best to turn off the light or I will need some blue pills, then there is no way we could connect.

For example, I just can't see anything beautiful in this picture or this one. I just can't. Maybe they are great girls with a great personality, but I wouldn't fuck them - ever.

 

[kinkyknickers]

Obviously you fail the mental ride how to express negative traits in a positive manner, too, as I see no real suggestion from you.


But maybe the "fat ugly" thing is too close to reality for some here and so they have trouble with the necessary distance - so let me rephrase the question:

How do you tell someone who has bad breath that (s)he has bad breath and should do something about? (http://www.badbreathogram.com/ could work, but you get the point of the question.. maybe.)

Hello Primalax!

I don't subscribe to morals, or good and evil, or even right and wrong (ah, the pleasures of unabashed atheism). What I believe in is successful and unsuccessful.

If posting this thread has thus far been successful for you then you need not read further.

In my experience, being discurtious to complete strangers is contrary to success. Being straight up and saying, "Please don't PM me anymore, you don't fit the description of my type, and your continued attentions will not succeed". Will usually suffice.

People who use mean little words usually have mean little brains amongst other little things.
A little man is no match against a big girl..... and I'm sure your not a little man now, are you Primalax?

 

[minx1]

I suppose letting her know you are simply too shallow to look beyond the superficial is out of the question?

If it is, perhaps you can try this

Dear X,

After giving this considerable thought I realize that I am not ready for a relationship with you at this time. Perhaps in a few years when I have attained a bit more maturity... If that happens, I will get back to you at that point and let you know.

*laugh* I love that.

 

[intothewoods]

Hello Primalax!

I don't subscribe to morals, or good and evil, or even right and wrong (ah, the pleasures of unabashed atheism). What I believe in is successful and unsuccessful.

If posting this thread has thus far been successful for you then you need not read further.

In my experience, being discurtious to complete strangers is contrary to success. Being straight up and saying, "Please don't PM me anymore, you don't fit the description of my type, and your continued attentions will not succeed". Will usually suffice.

People who use mean little words usually have mean little brains amongst other little things.
A little man is no match against a big girl..... and I'm sure your not a little man now, are you Primalax?

Fun times. So if you kill someone, and you get away with it, is that successful or unsuccessful? You know, seeing as how there's no right or wrong.

 

[Primalex]

In my experience, being discurtious to complete strangers is contrary to success.

Really? This is not my experience. If you are rude, they leave you alone, this is my experience. I'm surprised that you have made other experiences or most likely your female brain had a little overload and was unable to define 'success' properly.

People who use mean little words usually have mean little brains amongst other little things.

Size doesn't matter, you know?

A little man is no match against a big girl..... and I'm sure your not a little man now, are you Primalax?

I hate featherbrained attempts of reverse psychology. I'm a 4 foot dwarf with a 3 inch dick and I was too stupid to finish high school. Why would I care what you or anyone else here thinks about me? Insults only work if there is at least some truth in it.