How to figure out what the hell he's saying...
- Thread starter SkyyAngel
- Start date
crazybbwgirl
Dirty Grandma...
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2003
- Posts
- 31,020
Enjoy him wholeheartedly while you're home. Stay in touch - close touch even - while you're away. But I would never recommend a long distance relationship. If its meant to be - then you'll both be ready when you graduate. If its not - you won't. No reason to try to win him back - as it sounds like you already have him. But the best way to keep him is to not try to 'keep' him. Know what I'm saying?
firefighter02
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Nov 30, 2002
- Posts
- 634
Ok..I'll bite on this one..And if I come of rude..well deal with it..
First..You said that you wanted to show him he was the "One" and show him you would never leave him?
Yet, you know you will only be home for three weeks? And then right back 1200 miles away?
Honey..you both sound young....My gut tells me that there are a few things going on with your dude...Namely he wants to date someone..wants to have someone around...That's normal.. And if you won't be there to fufill that need then he is going to find someone who will. NOT that he is out looking mind you, but because that is the natural order of things.
If a person only likes eating twinkies and the nearest twinkie is 1200 miles away, I'm betting that sooner or later he will learn to eat ding dongs.
The problem here is that his need for companionship probably will outwiegh any "bond of celebacy" that exists between you two. Things like that happen every day even in some of the most stable relationships. You meet someone, they give you attention..next thing you know you fall for them. That's all part of life.
I would suggest you consider seriously if you both are ready for a commitment (becuase it sure doesn't sound like he is) and also what is keeping you at that school for the next 3 years? I know Mommy and Daddy spent a lot of money to send you there, but is it the only place that you can get educated in your field of study? And did they actually pay for the entire course of your study for the next few years up front? And why won't dude move to where you are?? That would be a logical thing to do if he sees you as a married couple down the road.
Tough call here, but I would say either prepare yourself to make some sacrifices, or let go of the belief that he won't fall for someone else while you are gone and let him go. Come back in three years and see if something is still there. My guess is that if he "finds" someone to talk to, hang out with, companionship...well...let's just say you should probably be out looking as well.
FF
First..You said that you wanted to show him he was the "One" and show him you would never leave him?
Yet, you know you will only be home for three weeks? And then right back 1200 miles away?
Honey..you both sound young....My gut tells me that there are a few things going on with your dude...Namely he wants to date someone..wants to have someone around...That's normal.. And if you won't be there to fufill that need then he is going to find someone who will. NOT that he is out looking mind you, but because that is the natural order of things.
If a person only likes eating twinkies and the nearest twinkie is 1200 miles away, I'm betting that sooner or later he will learn to eat ding dongs.
The problem here is that his need for companionship probably will outwiegh any "bond of celebacy" that exists between you two. Things like that happen every day even in some of the most stable relationships. You meet someone, they give you attention..next thing you know you fall for them. That's all part of life.
I would suggest you consider seriously if you both are ready for a commitment (becuase it sure doesn't sound like he is) and also what is keeping you at that school for the next 3 years? I know Mommy and Daddy spent a lot of money to send you there, but is it the only place that you can get educated in your field of study? And did they actually pay for the entire course of your study for the next few years up front? And why won't dude move to where you are?? That would be a logical thing to do if he sees you as a married couple down the road.
Tough call here, but I would say either prepare yourself to make some sacrifices, or let go of the belief that he won't fall for someone else while you are gone and let him go. Come back in three years and see if something is still there. My guess is that if he "finds" someone to talk to, hang out with, companionship...well...let's just say you should probably be out looking as well.
FF
dollface007
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2003
- Posts
- 814
SkyyAngel said:And we're both in our mid-twenties. Not like we're 16 or anything. That's a perfectly acceptable time to be thinking about marriage. (dammit I hate being told I'm youngI don't claim to know EVERYTHING but that doesn't mean I'd stupid/immature/etc).
I'm not trying to be mean, but when I read your post i thought that you had to be a teenager (despite your stated college status).
You ask what all this means? It means that neither of you is mature enough (it has nothing to do with age) to handle this relationship. Just look at what you wrote....waaaaaaay too much drama. Waaaaay too much high school-type stuff. You both need to go out and find yourselves separately.
Your profile says you live in Austin. I went to school there...it's such an awesome town! There are so many fun people there...guys and girls. Live in the moment, concentrate on your education, have fun, and meet people where you are at right now. When i lived in Austin, I had a long distance relationship. There were some good points about our relationship, but b/c of my bf (we ultimately broke up), i missed alot of opportunities for happiness that i had right in front of me....right there at school where there were 25,000 guys to date and 50,000 friends to hang out with. I will always regret that i wasted so much time on a relationship that i couldn't handle.
Good luck
SkyyAngel said:
Okay...so...he knows what he wants. If that includes you, then why isn't he acting like it?
I'm one of those who believes in going after the person you love. I do not understand why he isn't willing to move to you...or you to him. I will likely get flamed for this next statement from some quarters, but which is more important? The man you love or the degree in your hand?
In my mind, if you truly love him, he comes first. Period. No amount of money trumps that. And on the flip-side, if he truly wants to marry you, then YOU come first for him. So what is the problem here?
If neither one of you is willing to do what it takes to make this thing work, then it is time to move on. In every relationship there comes a 'put up or shut up' time, and this just might be it. Either you both do what it takes to make it happen, or it ends.
Best of luck...
S.
dollface007
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2003
- Posts
- 814
SkyyAngel said:
Please don't take this as a slam, but since you asked....
Reading your post was like reading a note a friend might have passed me in 10th grade. Like i said...waaaaaay too much drama. And perhaps you speak differently than you write. Case in point:
I'm not saying I do any better, but I'm just trying to give you an explanation.
Well, my opinion on your relationship - from what you've told us - remains unchanged. You can take it or leave it.
Again, good luck.
SkyyAngel said:
Okay...so. This is what we have:
Neither one of you are going to leave school to move closer to the other. You have already stated that he is wanting to find someone to give him 'companionship'. You also say you aren't walking away for any reason.
If all of these statements remain true after those three weeks are up, then you should be VERY prepared for an open relationship.
Since you are obviously getting upset with the lines of advice and you are probably very upset with this post, I probably won't post here again. I don't want to make you feel any worse. But I will leave you with this:
With all due respect..."fighting" for who you love is NOT what you are doing, in my opinion. You are worried about alienating people. You are worried about money. You are worried about distance. How about fighting for him by just worrying about HIM and saying, to hell with the rest of it?
My two cents...
S.
dollface007
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2003
- Posts
- 814
SkyyAngel said:
You just proved the "maturity" point with this post. I won't bother to respond to any of your future posts.
Hello. Hopeless romatic here....
"I'm going to throw my life away because I love so-and-so and it's keeping us apart!"
It sounds like you've answered your own question. 'Throwing your life away' is a pretty strong and telling statement, imo.
"I'm not selfish like that. If I left school just to be with him, we would have no money, no job, no family to help support us...nothing. It would probably make us end up fighting over money and god knows what else because we couldn't support ourselves. "
Lot's of assumptions here and a 'probably' that could be a self-fullfilling prophecy.
Look, every situation and personality is different. My husband and I had NOTHING when we got married. I worked at a shit job while he went to school. We didn't fight about money because there wasn't enough to fight over. We ate a lot of rice and drank a lot of Kool-aid but our personal and career goals came in second to our desire and need to be together. And, I have to say, it was the happiest time of our lives. The support that we needed came from each other, not family and friends.
Sometimes you've got to piss or get off the pot - and this would apply to either or both of you. If the two of you aren't going to be together, especially because of 'maybes' and 'what ifs', then consider yourselves unattached and free of commitment. You can't have it both ways and sacrifice is rarely 'equal'. If it's meant to be, it will be.
"I'm going to throw my life away because I love so-and-so and it's keeping us apart!"
It sounds like you've answered your own question. 'Throwing your life away' is a pretty strong and telling statement, imo.
"I'm not selfish like that. If I left school just to be with him, we would have no money, no job, no family to help support us...nothing. It would probably make us end up fighting over money and god knows what else because we couldn't support ourselves. "
Lot's of assumptions here and a 'probably' that could be a self-fullfilling prophecy.
Look, every situation and personality is different. My husband and I had NOTHING when we got married. I worked at a shit job while he went to school. We didn't fight about money because there wasn't enough to fight over. We ate a lot of rice and drank a lot of Kool-aid but our personal and career goals came in second to our desire and need to be together. And, I have to say, it was the happiest time of our lives. The support that we needed came from each other, not family and friends.
Sometimes you've got to piss or get off the pot - and this would apply to either or both of you. If the two of you aren't going to be together, especially because of 'maybes' and 'what ifs', then consider yourselves unattached and free of commitment. You can't have it both ways and sacrifice is rarely 'equal'. If it's meant to be, it will be.
Last edited:
CutieMouse
Meticulously Flighty
- Joined
- Apr 7, 2004
- Posts
- 8,493
*****
Last edited:
Spenser41
Nice Guy
- Joined
- Mar 27, 2002
- Posts
- 14,241
ok I will try
I am a father of three 20 year olds. My daugthers are in the mid 20s. About your age. I understand your frustration and I am not going to put you down for your age, but I am going to talk to you like a dad.
From what I remember of your post, your relationship with this young man was not going that well to begin with. You had problems as you pointed out and you gave up on the relationship and walked away. NOW you say you made a mistake and that he is the love of your life.
I think at this point and time in your life, you really need to put that realtionship on hold. I think you need to focus on college and your studys. Let him be your best friend and let him be nothing more. I think it is really difficult to be talking marriage when you are so far away and you also are going to be at school for 2-3 more years.
I think right now, at this time, remember the good times, think of him as a dear and best friend and let him go to do what he needs to do, and he needs to let you go to do the things you need to do. The reason why I am saying this is because there is no way you are going to be able to focus on school if you are constantly going to be thinking of the "what ifs" See that kind of thinking is distructive. It keeps you stuck in the past and right now, you can not afford that - your grades can not afford that.
You also said he is the "love of your life". Well my feelings on that are, if he is, he is and if he isn't he isn't. Stop sweating out what will happen or if it will happen 2-3 yrs down the road. I would tell you if you were my daughter to focus on the here and now. I think what has happen is that you moved away, and you missed those special times with him because you are so far from home. And that made you miss him more and more and made you feel you made a mistake. Well that could also be loneliness talking to you.
So, if I was your dad, I would say... Honey, love what you had, keep the friendship going, but set each other free to live your life in the moment and if it is meant to be, then after 2-3 yrs, you two can get together and see if this is where you really want to go. When you finally get a chance to be on your own and live far away from home is when the heartaches begin, but at the same time, that is when maturity kicks in as well, and you start to learn about you.
Take this time in college to not only learn about education and to follow the dreams of your heart, but to discover who YOU are and what makes you tick and where you want to be with your life. Then surround yourself with friends - both guys and girls - that will help further your dreams and wishes.
This is what I would say to my girls and I hope you take it this advice with fatherly love.
I am a father of three 20 year olds. My daugthers are in the mid 20s. About your age. I understand your frustration and I am not going to put you down for your age, but I am going to talk to you like a dad.
From what I remember of your post, your relationship with this young man was not going that well to begin with. You had problems as you pointed out and you gave up on the relationship and walked away. NOW you say you made a mistake and that he is the love of your life.
I think at this point and time in your life, you really need to put that realtionship on hold. I think you need to focus on college and your studys. Let him be your best friend and let him be nothing more. I think it is really difficult to be talking marriage when you are so far away and you also are going to be at school for 2-3 more years.
I think right now, at this time, remember the good times, think of him as a dear and best friend and let him go to do what he needs to do, and he needs to let you go to do the things you need to do. The reason why I am saying this is because there is no way you are going to be able to focus on school if you are constantly going to be thinking of the "what ifs" See that kind of thinking is distructive. It keeps you stuck in the past and right now, you can not afford that - your grades can not afford that.
You also said he is the "love of your life". Well my feelings on that are, if he is, he is and if he isn't he isn't. Stop sweating out what will happen or if it will happen 2-3 yrs down the road. I would tell you if you were my daughter to focus on the here and now. I think what has happen is that you moved away, and you missed those special times with him because you are so far from home. And that made you miss him more and more and made you feel you made a mistake. Well that could also be loneliness talking to you.
So, if I was your dad, I would say... Honey, love what you had, keep the friendship going, but set each other free to live your life in the moment and if it is meant to be, then after 2-3 yrs, you two can get together and see if this is where you really want to go. When you finally get a chance to be on your own and live far away from home is when the heartaches begin, but at the same time, that is when maturity kicks in as well, and you start to learn about you.
Take this time in college to not only learn about education and to follow the dreams of your heart, but to discover who YOU are and what makes you tick and where you want to be with your life. Then surround yourself with friends - both guys and girls - that will help further your dreams and wishes.
This is what I would say to my girls and I hope you take it this advice with fatherly love.
Spencer, that rocks.
On behalf of us 20somethings in long distance relationships, thank you a heartfelt lot.
I think my situation is quite different from SkyyAngel's, but I feel for her. Long distance is tough. If it is meant to be, it'll be - but I really do have to back Spencer up on the 'just be best friends' angle, since it sounds unfeasable for the two of you to physically be together.
If and when he hooks up with others, try for an attitude of friendly encouraging permissiveness, and joking with him... "Should I be proud of you, or embarrassed?" If you are worried about winning him back, this isn't as meant to be as you think.
good luck.
On behalf of us 20somethings in long distance relationships, thank you a heartfelt lot.
I think my situation is quite different from SkyyAngel's, but I feel for her. Long distance is tough. If it is meant to be, it'll be - but I really do have to back Spencer up on the 'just be best friends' angle, since it sounds unfeasable for the two of you to physically be together.
If and when he hooks up with others, try for an attitude of friendly encouraging permissiveness, and joking with him... "Should I be proud of you, or embarrassed?" If you are worried about winning him back, this isn't as meant to be as you think.
good luck.
H0wl
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 3, 2004
- Posts
- 270
Tough choices I know
I had to go away and think about this one.
First, I think you're right to recognize that you giving up college, or him moving out to be with you is a bad idea. Especially when what you have now isn't what it used to be. From what you've posted it doesn't sound like either of you is really in a position to give up everything for love and still be able to expect a healthy relationship afterwards.
Now the hard stuff. As several other posters have noted, you can't have it both ways. And I really think that may be what your friend is trying to tell you. Him saying that he needs other companionship is a pretty clear message that a 1200 mile away long distance relationship isn't going to work for him.
Now for the really hard stuff. What can you do? Honestly, not much. You can be there for him when he needs someone to talk to. You can stay in touch with him. When you're there in town you can be friends with him but...I'm not sure you'd be doing either yourself or him any favors by going any further. After all shortly afterwards you'll be gone again, you'll have resurrected a lot of your old feelings of intimacy and you wont be available to each other.
If you were closer together, close enough for an occasional trip to visit each other it might be different. But thats not the case here. In addition it sounds to me like your guy needs some room to grow. You've gone out, you've had relationships with other people even if you feel they were mistaken, you've had that experience. Based on what you've posted here, your friend hasnt.
Maybe you will get back together. Maybe you wont. In the meantime I think your best bet is to be good friends and to not try to lock yourself into this one choice. It's not fair to either of you.
I've done the long distance thing before, hell, I'm doing it now. And knowing that I can make the trip to see my girlfriend makes it bearable because I just have to be patient. Without that clear reward/goal in sight for both of you to work towards chances are it will be painful and messy and not very satisfying for either of you.
I'm sure this isn't what you wanted to hear, but its the best I've got.
I had to go away and think about this one.
First, I think you're right to recognize that you giving up college, or him moving out to be with you is a bad idea. Especially when what you have now isn't what it used to be. From what you've posted it doesn't sound like either of you is really in a position to give up everything for love and still be able to expect a healthy relationship afterwards.
Now the hard stuff. As several other posters have noted, you can't have it both ways. And I really think that may be what your friend is trying to tell you. Him saying that he needs other companionship is a pretty clear message that a 1200 mile away long distance relationship isn't going to work for him.
Now for the really hard stuff. What can you do? Honestly, not much. You can be there for him when he needs someone to talk to. You can stay in touch with him. When you're there in town you can be friends with him but...I'm not sure you'd be doing either yourself or him any favors by going any further. After all shortly afterwards you'll be gone again, you'll have resurrected a lot of your old feelings of intimacy and you wont be available to each other.
If you were closer together, close enough for an occasional trip to visit each other it might be different. But thats not the case here. In addition it sounds to me like your guy needs some room to grow. You've gone out, you've had relationships with other people even if you feel they were mistaken, you've had that experience. Based on what you've posted here, your friend hasnt.
Maybe you will get back together. Maybe you wont. In the meantime I think your best bet is to be good friends and to not try to lock yourself into this one choice. It's not fair to either of you.
I've done the long distance thing before, hell, I'm doing it now. And knowing that I can make the trip to see my girlfriend makes it bearable because I just have to be patient. Without that clear reward/goal in sight for both of you to work towards chances are it will be painful and messy and not very satisfying for either of you.
I'm sure this isn't what you wanted to hear, but its the best I've got.
PilotKitten
Virgin
- Joined
- Apr 12, 2002
- Posts
- 4
...
SkyyAngel said:
I don't think it is a case of people talking down to you as much as it is people telling you things you don't want to hear. The "immature" label that has been given to you by some posters has nothing to do with your age. It comes from the fact that you don't really seem to know what you want. This is what I get from your posts:
You dated this guy for five years, and the relationship was serious enough that you were engaged at one point. However, it wasn't so serious that in the times when you were separated over those five years, you had sex with two other people, one of which, presumably, you are still living with.
You finally ended the relationship to be with another guy, but now you realize this first guy is the love of your life and you want him back. You are willing to "wait" for him and consider yourself unavailable, but you are hurt and jealous because his actions prove that he obviously doesn't feel the same. He's disappointed that other women he is attracted to are not attracted to him. He has some female friends, at least one of which he wouldn't mind having sex with. He wants a companion. And although you mention that "technically" you two are not together, you admit that you are hurt because he is acting as if you two are not together.
You post on here that you want to find a way to "win" him back. My question is: what exactly does that mean to you? That he would consider himself as unavailable as you consider yourself? That he not have a "companion"? That you are the only female he is attracted to or wants to have sex with? Wouldn't that be the same as having a long-distance relationship, which you have already tried and acknowledged wouldn't work?
Before you even make any attempt to win this guy back, you really need to examine your motives and make sure that this is what you really want. Did you decide that you wanted this guy back around the same time that he stopped pining for you and began to notice other girls? Do you really want him for him or because you miss the ego boost he used to give you? I obviously don't know all the details of your particular situation, but I have seen instances where it is more a case of "I don't want him, but I don't want anyone else to have him, either" than a mature( in the sense that you want what is best for your partner), abiding love that would withstand the tests of distance or time or a million other obstacles thrown in its path.
Just some food for thought.
