How to... figure out what you like?

[Phoenix Stone]

I know this probably seems like a weird thread idea but it seems to be the crux of my problem right now and I don't see any other threads like it. I've tried a Putting more Passion into your Relationship type thread, and some others.

Ok, here goes: I had an experience a couple of months ago that made me realize that -- how do I put this? (and do it Briefly!) -- that something's been missing from my sex life, mainly because suddenly, due to some circumstances I'm not going to repeat, I got back all sorts of sexual feelings I hadn't realized I'd forgotten.

Since then, I've tried to recreate what I thought were the relevant parts of that enlightening experience with partial success. It feels like I'm having to rediscover my sexuality all over again.

So, how do you figure out what you like?

I followed my initial impulses, looked at pictures to see which ones had some spark, read stories, reexamined the enlightening experience of a few months ago from several angles. I've even gone down kink lists to see if I've forgotten any ;>

One of the things that is hard is that I'm on this journey alone in many ways. My husband of many years doesn't like to talk, though he has been more than happy to try out some of the ideas with me. As makes sense, it's going to be me figuring this out.

Is anyone else in the same boat? I think 'rain mentioned going thru this at one time. Don't know what I want here, really. Maybe to hear about other people's journeys to finding themselves sexually?

(Mine led me to the bdsm board, where they've been very nice, and where I've found my particular bent doesn't seem to quite fit. (Mindplay, anyone?))

Any thoughts, ideas, commiseration, will be deeply appreciated.

 

[angela146]

Hmmm... What do you mean by "mindplay".

What are you unsure of, physical pleasures, emotional response, how/where to touch yourself, fantasies to feed the emotions?

Was the "experience" a couple of months ago a thing that restored your physical sensation or an event that reminded you of past emotional pleasures.

Please ruminate.

 

[herecomestherain]

An essay...

PhoenixStone,Hi again.

Indulge me while I spin out a little essay about a journey of self- discovery, perhaps it will have meaning for you and encourage you to continue as you undertake your own. It's a very long post, so get your coffee and settle in...

Some journeys, especially those of self-discovery are essentially taken alone. That's the nature of introspection. Besides, you're never truly alone because we're all out here! I've made good supportive friendships through Lit. Friends with whom it is possible to discuss things that are not that easy to talk about over the kitchen table...

I've always been one to immerse myself in the information, I think I should have been a researcher, anyway over the last year or so I decided to undertake a personal odyssey into all things sexual. A rediscovery if you like. I consider my "work" as essential research that informs and nurtures the Glamazon, Sexual Adventurer, Lust Crazed Cyber Slut, Insatiable Sex Goddess, wife, mother, vulnerable shy petal, mixed up discoverer of strange and unusual yearnings.

To that end;
I've read and continue to read writings on feminism and porn, pro- porn, anti porn censorship, scientific studies, acts of Parliament and legislation, current research, history, both recent and distant past. I've delved into the workings of the Australian Classification Board, read the work of lobbyists at the Eros foundation etc. I've enjoyed the works of sex positive culture enthusiasts, went to Sexpo, the most attended exhibition in this country and saw toys that hummed, shook, vibrated and buzzed in every conceivable shade of silicon.

I've read a tonne of erotica, checked out the publication guidelines of erotica publishers, dipped into erotica offerings on ebay, trawled through Jane's Guide, delved in the various sex related newsgroups. I've joined the "girlpornclub" tribe, visited sexuality related information sites, looked up words like polyamory, contributed to web based erotica sites, read through acres of sex related message boards. I've explored and read about and been informed and amused by the lives of sex celebrities like Annie Sprinkle, Violet Blue and Carol McQueen.

I've looked into and sought to understand fetishes and all manner of deviant desires too numerous and unusual to list, I've talked to makers of erotic films. I've played about on line, flirted outrageously with all kinds of lovely men and women, squealed and chuckled with laughter at innuendo and double entendre, blushed with pleasure at all sorts of deliciously erotic musings. I've watched porn movies, read a thousand porn reviews and read and swooned over wonderful fantasy anthologies.

I've marvelled at the erotic photography of Roy Stuart, bought a vibrator or two, puddled around with lube, redecorated our bedroom, bought sexy underwear, discovered new G Spot techniques and rejoiced in the miracle of female ejaculation. I've taken up painting nudes, writing dirty stories and shaving bits of myself I never thought I would.

I have marveled at the breadth and depth, complexity, hilarity, absurdity and vulnerability of the human sexual condition and I've enjoyed the journey immensely.

Consequently I've spent a lot of time being very horny but I've also learned many things about myself. Good things about who I am and what I like.

Where was my partner while all this was going on, you may say? Well he was here alongside me, not necessarily with me on every step of the journey, but definitely reaping the rewards of having a happy, sexually adventurous wife.

Go play, go discover, go explore. Immerse yourself, go trawling, go researching. Ask yourself questions about the discoveries, would I like to do this, does this turn me on, why does this disturb me, do other people feel this way, etc etc. When you find out something interesting, unusual, satisfying, absurd, exciting or just plain fun, enjoy the knowledge of it for yourself,let it feed you, then if you'd like to, go share it with the one you love.

My New Year's resolution for 2004 was to allow myself to be open to possibility. So far it's been a lot of fun and deeply satisfying. I'm looking forward to continuing on the journey, hope to catch up with you along the way..

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

What a reply Rain, your SO is a very lucky man. Well I'm going through my own such phase of relearning as Pheonix mentioned. I could never imagine taking the journey alone as you mentioned it though Rain. I need my SO with me every step of the way, I am not a very sexual person and taking the journey alone is quite frightening to me. Luckly I am gifted with a girlfriend who is quite open about sexuality who wants to help me learn myself sexually the way I helped her earlier in our relationship.

-Zergplex

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Hmmm... What do you mean by "mindplay".

What are you unsure of, physical pleasures, emotional response, how/where to touch yourself, fantasies to feed the emotions?

Was the "experience" a couple of months ago a thing that restored your physical sensation or an event that reminded you of past emotional pleasures.

Please ruminate.

Wow, asking me to ruminate is, well, you don't know what you are in for. I can ruminate all day, but will try to limit myself.

By mindplay, I mean the something a little like d/s stuff but only the emotional and mental part. Not just fucking but having some angle to it. And it usually involves talk. Don't know how clear I'm being here. I've heard something similar referred to as a mindfuck, only mine would be sort of mindfuck-lite. James Spader frequently plays a character who does that sort of thing.

Where to touch myself I've got down. My fantasy life is what it's always been. Only perhaps I'd like to do things that are maybe a bit more like my fantasies. Not sure. I just know that something got kicked up in me that I don't want to give up. So I'm trying to figure out ways to feel that without getting myself in trouble.

And the answer to your last question is 'yes -- both.'

And 'rain, thank you so much for your post -- that's some of the exact help I was looking for -- more ideas, for one thing, as I've lately been running out of steam. Well, the steam is there, just don't know quite where to take it next. I was also hoping to here other people's journeys, and it was great to read yours. You have done so much, how do you even remember it all? Every time I read one of your posts, I'm amazed at how much we have in common -- I refer to myself as an info-junkie for being so into doing research. Will follow up.

Zerg, thank you for responding. My husband is open but like 'rain, I'm in many ways on my own with this. My husband has been happy with our sexlife all along, and is happy still with all the playing and experimenting I'm doing. He just doesn't know what I want, so can't help me. And he doesn't like to talk. Which is frustrating, as I'm a long-winded sort. And talking, including the written kind, helps me think.

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

Zerg, thank you for responding. My husband is open but like 'rain, I'm in many ways on my own with this. My husband has been happy with our sexlife all along, and is happy still with all the playing and experimenting I'm doing. He just doesn't know what I want, so can't help me. And he doesn't like to talk. Which is frustrating, as I'm a long-winded sort. And talking, including the written kind, helps me think.

I can understand your last comment completely. I think best when voicing my thoughts. It seems to solidify the thoughts floating around in my head far better then simply brooding on them myself. Hence why I am a longwinded person myself. My darling is a good listener/talker herself though so it works for us (though occassionally she gets tired of hearing my bitching about the same subject for the 800th time).

Well if ya ever need a wall to bounce thoughts off of I'm around pheonix, just check my profile for my aim screenname ^_^ always here to help out.

-Zergplex