How to find love, despite being me

[Ansi]

Uh...hi there.

Over the past few weeks, I've been reading through a lot of the threads in this "How-To" section. Overall, the entire experience has been quite informative...I've learned a lot of things I was always curious about, lots of interesting 'activities' that I'd like to try in the future, and even a few things I wish I hadn't been exposed to.

Because the topics here seem to be handled with an unusual level of maturity (considering the subject matter, and the behavior of people on some *other* boards I know) and because you all seem like a nice bunch of people, I've decided to post. My hope is that at least some of you have experienced problems similar to my own, and may be able to give me some serious advice.

I'll try to be brief.

Anyway, here's the setup. I'm a 22-year-old male college student who'll be graduating and moving into the working world at the end of the spring. As this is an important time in my life, it's got me thinking about how I've been doing so far. Looking back, I realize that I have in fact botched things greatly, and am quite miserable.

Here's the problem: I'm abysmally lonely. Though I'm embarassed to admit it, I'm still a virgin. In fact, I've had no real experience with women at all. I've never had any real female friends, never been on a date, and never even kissed a girl.

The primary factor behind this problem is that I'm terminally shy. More than anything, I'd like to try and find the proverbial Ms. Right, but I can't even bring myself to strike up a conversation with a woman without getting so nervous that I can't talk straight. Though this can be attributed in part to my utter lack of social experience with the fairer sex, there are some other more serious hangups in the way as well.

First of all...well, I'm fat. At 22, I weigh a bit over 300 pounds. I've never been an active person, and my taste in food has only made the problem worse. This presents an obvious barrier to romance...physical attraction is a significant part of 'hitting it off' and the majority of women out there would turn me down on the spot for that alone (it doesn't help that I still have something of an acne problem). Losing weight isn't really an option; I've tried, but I simply lack the willpower. I suppose that's partly because *I* don't mind being big much.

Second, I suffer from severe 'geek' syndrome. I'm the stereotypical nerd who spends most of his free time surfing the 'Net, playing video games, and watching TV and movies (and God help me, playing with Transformers ). I would *like* to meet a girl who shares similar interests...however, finding fellow geeks in the offline world has proven to be nearly impossible. Most of the other (i.e. normal) women wouldn't want anything to do with someone as geeky as I am...it would take a woman of unusual open-mindedness to both get to know a fat dork like me and to tolerate my hobbies. I would be perfectly willing to explore other avenues of interest with potential partners, but trying to do so on my own has only reminded me that there's no one to share anything with.

Third...I know almost nothing of the 'popular' dating scene; I wouldn't be comfortable seeking out the ladies in traditional venues like nightclubs (not to mention that I can't dance). This presents a problem, as it leaves me with very little options for places to 'hook up'. There aren't really any social places that I've encountered that cater to my personal interests, or where I'd feel comfortable enough to stick my neck out. This is made worse by the fact that I don't have any friends who could provide connections.

Fourth, my self-confidence has suffered for a long time due to my lack of any real skills or talents. It seems like everything I try my hand at ends up being only 'adequate', never enough to impress anyone else; this makes it hard to be in clubs or activity groups, as I always feel like I'm not contributing anything. I'm deathly afraid this may apply to sex as well; though I have a good idea of what women want and how to give it to them, I'd be devestated if I couldn't please my potential mates. I'm also not very impressive size-wise; rather average, or maybe slightly smaller.

...well, anyway, that's how it is. Aside from being alone, I'm quite content with my life; if I could just talk to women (or even look them in the eyes) without that cold feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, I'd be happy.

I hate to seem like I'm whining, so I'll briefly state what I'm asking here:

1) Is there any workable way for me to at least partially overcome my shyness with regards to talking to your average, non-geek woman? Preferably one that doesn't involve high risk of damage to my already-frail ego?

2) ARE there average women out there who would have someone like me?

3) Are there any realistic options/places for a geek like me to meet the kind of women who would have me in the offline world? My luck at finding people in my area online hasn't been good at all so far, and I don't have the resources to use any online dating services.

4) Is there any halfway-reliable method to determine whether a girl is already involved with someone, without having to commit the social faux-pax of asking them directly? Keep in mind, I have no social connections...hearing anything through the proverbial grapevine likely isn't going to happen.

I figure my chances of meeting anyone at college are gone at this point; with only 3 months to go (and me not living on campus), I doubt I'll be able to connect with anyone in a meaningful way. Besides, the female student body here strikes me as being entirely too 'normal' to lower themselves to my level. Maybe I'll have better luck in the working world...

By the way, please note that I am *not* interested in casual sex. Though I have no problem with the idea of sex for sheer physical pleasure, I'm too commited to the ideal of 'real' love to partake in that kind of thing myself (read: not desperate enough yet). I'm in this for the long haul.

Anyway, that's all I've got to say. Sorry for dragging this on for so long; my verbosity can be a curse at times.

 

[Bobmi357]

As one that has been in your shoes and walked the same identical road, I can tell you that yes, there are lots of women out there that would love to meet you.

The problem is (a) you see women as if they are almost another species and because of that it (b) makes you incredibly shy. You also seem to have a confidence problem.

I think you should approach your problem from a different angle. Instead of trying to go out there and find romance, or even just a one night stand, go out there looking for friends. Sit down and write a list of your favorite activities and see if there are any clubs in your area for those activities. The bar/club scene isn't really a good place for nerds like us.

Don't be frightened by women. They are as human as you are. Spend some time making friends with them and you'll find out they have all the same hopes and dreams that we do. Home, family, a love to call their own.

If you spend some time getting to know a woman as a friend first and foremost, you'll find they aren't really another species. Sure they think funny, and their minds definitely don't work like ours do, but they are still people with feelings and hopes just like you and I.

I'm not very religious, but I am reminded about something my Grandfather once told me. He said "Women are special, and when you find one that is right for you, its like being handed a present from God himself, always treat her as if she's the most important person in your life and you'll do fine". Its a rule I've tried to live by.

There is nothing to be ashamed about in being a 22yr old virgin. Hell, I was 23 when I lost my virginity. In a lot of cases when you are ready to lose your virginity, if you simply tell your partner this is the first time for you, she'll be tickled pink and help you through it. Its a pretty shallow individual that would make fun of someone in one of the most important times of their life.

I will caution you not to confuse hormones and sex for love, its a trap I fell into and it led to disaster.

Make some friends first. Yes you can find a lot of girls out there playing online games or video games. Hell, I met my second wife on an online RPG. Our courtship included the death of countless Orcs and trolls and dragons.

Your weight is only a factor because you're allowing it to be one. The simple fact is you've allowed yourself to be conned by the media into thinking that to be attractive you need to be 110 pounds (or 170 for men). Bullshit. Give me a gal who enjoys life despite her extra poundage anyday over one that spend all day counting calories. Even the beautiful people have flaws/scars, the difference is, they don't believe they do.

Love is a funny thing. Oft times it finds you when you're not even looking for it. I certainly wasn't looking for love when I met my wife online in that RPG. I was just trying to escape and intolerable situation at home in a world of dungeons and dragons.

So look at it this way, find yourself some social activities you can participate in, maybe make some new friends with different viewpoints and enjoy yourself.

 

[Four_Inch_Heels]

Welcome to the boards, Ansi!

I'm pretty shy myself, until I get to know someone. My advice would be to strike up a conversation with non-threatening girls...girls who are "average" like you. Being in school gives you the perfect opportunity to ask about an assignment, make a comment about the class, the professor, etc. You'll gain confidence over time, and it'll get easier to start the conversation and come up with more things to talk about. Most girls, even the prettiest ones, have their own complexes, and probably think they aren't that hot. I assume you're not setting your sights on the "supermodel" types.

Take stock in yourself, and determine your assets. Do you have a great sense of humor? Women love a funny guy! Are you good at art? Join an art club. You love movies...ask that girl next to you at the video store if she's seen a certain movie. It's really not that hard to strike up a casual conversation, just don't think about it too long and get yourself all nervous. Make sure you smile! Wear the colors that you look good in. Do you have a sister, or female cousin, etc. who could help determine that kinda stuff?

As far as your weight, you've let yourself go! Work on that while you're working on your confidence. Dr. Phil's weight loss book seems to be popular right now, and deals with all aspects of improving your life. Join a weight loss support group, another way to meet people going through the same thing you are. I'm sure there are women who would go for a guy as big as you, but from a health standpoint, you should try and lose some of that weight.

I've been married longer than you've been alive, so I'm probably out of the loop as far as where to meet someone. But, joining clubs, meetings, etc. of things you're interested in will be fun, as well as an opportunity to find women with similar interests.

I don't see anything wrong with asking a girl if she's seeing someone. Maybe the rules have changed since I've been off the market?

Good luck!

 

[Vixandra]

Welcome to Lit!
Do not apologise for being wordy- you've a complex problem that would have required a lot of elaboration if you hadn't been.
I shall do my best to help where I can, bare with me, I do honestly make sense occasionally.

1) Is there any workable way for me to at least partially overcome my shyness with regards to talking to your average, non-geek woman? Preferably one that doesn't involve high risk of damage to my already-frail ego?
Personally, I find "average, non-geek" women stupid and dull. But then I'm one of those rare females who find the rest of my ilk beyond to be beyond normal comprehension. There are women out there who are just as "geek" as you if not more so. I know a few computer nerds and such, quite a few of them female. Check out Comic/Anime cons, you'll find some there more likely then not.
Your "already-frail" ego needs some boostering from the most essential being in your life- YOU! If you don't love, like and respect yourself how can you expect anyone else to? You can't. So that's something to work on.
2) ARE there average women out there who would have someone like me?
Yup, guarantee it, though you'll have to take a risk and go out to look for them, they do exsist out there.
3) Are there any realistic options/places for a geek like me to meet the kind of women who would have me in the offline world? My luck at finding people in my area online hasn't been good at all so far, and I don't have the resources to use any online dating services.
Where to go? Try an internet cafe? The afore mentioned Comic/Anime Conventions? Um... other then that, could check out the Lit personals. If you're an Anime fan you could check for local clubs, or for whatever your interests are. There has got to be something like that in your area unless you're in the middle of bum-fuck-no-where.
4) Is there any halfway-reliable method to determine whether a girl is already involved with someone, without having to commit the social faux-pax of asking them directly? Keep in mind, I have no social connections...hearing anything through the proverbial grapevine likely isn't going to happen.
If you're already talking with a girl, its' not wrong to ask if she's seeing anyone- saves everyone's time. And sometimes, just having a friend that's a girl can come in handy. I know my guy friends (before I got married) came in handy.

I agree with Bobmi's post as well.
Your life will be what you make of it and only what you make of it.
If you're self concious about your weight and can't control your eating, start exercising. Walk to the grocery store instead of driving, walk back with a day or two's worth of food. Slowly work up to running instead of walking.
If running's not your thing- try swimming, kick boxing, yoga, or biking. I'm not saying that you have to be in shape to be attractive to others. I'm saying it may help your self image, you feeling of how you look to the world. Never exercise, loose wieght or change for anyone but yourself and only if you want to.
I wish you luck!
Oh- and check out the ORP board- you've great typing, spelling and grammer, something we could use more of over there.
Laters,
Vix

 

[warrior queen]

First of all...well, I'm fat. At 22, I weigh a bit over 300 pounds. I've never been an active person, and my taste in food has only made the problem worse. This presents an obvious barrier to romance...physical attraction is a significant part of 'hitting it off' and the majority of women out there would turn me down on the spot for that alone (it doesn't help that I still have something of an acne problem). Losing weight isn't really an option; I've tried, but I simply lack the willpower. I suppose that's partly because *I* don't mind being big much.

ok, this one you can do something about, fairly easily.
get out there and get moving! do some form of excercise, because if you don't, you are going to end up being one of those overweight people who have a myriad of health problems, and never really get to enjoy life.
it's not hard - just think of the end result, a better body, a healthier body, and an increased attractiveness to women!
and all for the sake of 20 - 30 minutes walking per day!
easy!!!
and you'll find that once you get moving, the increased circulation might also help with your acne situation.

Second, I suffer from severe 'geek' syndrome. I'm the stereotypical nerd who spends most of his free time surfing the 'Net, playing video games, and watching TV and movies (and God help me, playing with Transformers ). I would *like* to meet a girl who shares similar interests...however, finding fellow geeks in the offline world has proven to be nearly impossible. Most of the other (i.e. normal) women wouldn't want anything to do with someone as geeky as I am...it would take a woman of unusual open-mindedness to both get to know a fat dork like me and to tolerate my hobbies. I would be perfectly willing to explore other avenues of interest with potential partners, but trying to do so on my own has only reminded me that there's no one to share anything with.

hobbies are great - until, that is, they become more like obsessions!
spending the majority of your day doing them, makes them obsessions.
you need to schedule 'down time', where you go out, get some fresh air, go to a show, walk in the park (there's your excercise thingy!), visit an obscure art gallery, anything to get your mind, and body, out and into the public arena.
by sequestering yourself with your hobbies, you severely limit your chances of finding, let alone even meeting, someone.

Third...I know almost nothing of the 'popular' dating scene; I wouldn't be comfortable seeking out the ladies in traditional venues like nightclubs (not to mention that I can't dance). This presents a problem, as it leaves me with very little options for places to 'hook up'. There aren't really any social places that I've encountered that cater to my personal interests, or where I'd feel comfortable enough to stick my neck out. This is made worse by the fact that I don't have any friends who could provide connections.

there is no longer such a thing as the 'traditional' dating scene.
nowadays, you are just as likely, if not more so, to meet people in the local library, as you are in a nightclub.
forget looking for a place to find someone, and start looking to find someone in whatever place you are in!
what about a book club? or a social cafe? or even a gaming room? (not sure what you call them over there, but here, we have gaming rooms where people get together, male and female, to play computer games as well as strategic board games).

Fourth, my self-confidence has suffered for a long time due to my lack of any real skills or talents. It seems like everything I try my hand at ends up being only 'adequate', never enough to impress anyone else; this makes it hard to be in clubs or activity groups, as I always feel like I'm not contributing anything. I'm deathly afraid this may apply to sex as well; though I have a good idea of what women want and how to give it to them, I'd be devestated if I couldn't please my potential mates. I'm also not very impressive size-wise; rather average, or maybe slightly smaller.

this is a self-confidence issue of huge proportions.
you need to pick one thing you don't like about yourself, and work on improving that.
once you have done that, then you move onto another thing you want to improve, and so on.
something as simple as losing 10 pounds can give you enough of a boost that you begin to improve many areas of yourself without even thinking about it!
so pick something, and get moving!!!

and the thing about size - well, let me tell you straight up... it's not about size for the majority of us women!
it's about being with a partner who takes the time to learn what we like and want, and who isn't afraid to change and grow alongside us.
i'd rather have 5" attatched to a genuinely caring and knowledgable man, than a 9" monster with a dickhead attatched!!!!! (and i am sure most women feel the same way).

1) Is there any workable way for me to at least partially overcome my shyness with regards to talking to your average, non-geek woman? Preferably one that doesn't involve high risk of damage to my already-frail ego?

think worst case scenario here - what is the ABSOLUTE WORST thing that can happen?
she says she's not interested?
she says no?
she moves away from you?

it's not like she's gonna pull out a gun and blow you away for daring to speak to her!

you need to rethink what is so potentially damaging that you can't even stomach the thought of approaching someone, and reason with yourself as to why these fears are stopping you.

2) ARE there average women out there who would have someone like me?

hell, YES! there are women out there for men like you....
but you're never going to find out if you don't allow yourself to!
get out there and let yourself be known!

3) Are there any realistic options/places for a geek like me to meet the kind of women who would have me in the offline world? My luck at finding people in my area online hasn't been good at all so far, and I don't have the resources to use any online dating services.

like i said, you need to actually get out into the offline world for anything to happen.

4) Is there any halfway-reliable method to determine whether a girl is already involved with someone, without having to commit the social faux-pax of asking them directly? Keep in mind, I have no social connections...hearing anything through the proverbial grapevine likely isn't going to happen.

ASK.
simple.
we women are not going to bite your head off if you do - in fact, most of us will appreciate the fact that you thought enough to ask in the first place. (trust me, so many guys just wade on in, and don't think about the fact that we actually have lives outside of their circle!)

By the way, please note that I am *not* interested in casual sex. Though I have no problem with the idea of sex for sheer physical pleasure, I'm too commited to the ideal of 'real' love to partake in that kind of thing myself (read: not desperate enough yet). I'm in this for the long haul.

i think this is a great attitude.
but like i said, you'll never get anywhere if you don't first begin by making a few changes to your currently isolated and secular life.
really look at your life, and decide which bits you might be able to change in the short term to get the ball rolling, then begin working on your issues.

good luck!

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

Looks like I arrived at the thread late, all the good advice is taken! Ah well, I guess I can whore myself out as an example of when things go right ^_~

I was (and still am) a huge computer nerd, and an even larger anime otaku. I was online constantly and I commonly sang the evangelion opener randomly throughout my day when bored. These and other factors made me think I would never find the right women for me. I also had a second strike against me, I practiced abstinence which means that even if someone was attracted to me I still had a 99% chance of it not working out due to problems with that.

To make a long story short I found the women I was looking for in a good friend of mine. We had known each other for some time and she was into many of the same things I was. We have been together a year and eight months now, just a proof that an overweight computer geek can find love too!!!

As for my personal advice on the subject I would say don't go out looking for a date, go out looking for friends. It lets you get to know someone better before you ask them to date, and you won't get as nervous as if your trying to get a date. I personally subscribe to the belief that friends make the best lovers but thats just me...

Well you sound like a real interesting person, drop me a PM or IM sometime (SN is YarunMetios). Always here to help.... even though I think I came a bit late to this little party ^_^()

-Zergplex

 

[NaiveOne]

Welcome Ansi!


So much good advice has been given, so I'll just talk a little about being overweight.

I am overweight too, and I KNOW how difficult it is to change. When you have friends and family that like you for the way you and don't challenge you to be better, it's so easy to be satisfied with yourself. But I also KNOW that I do feel better about myself when I'm doing something to help myself. Eventhough I don't see immediate results when I work out, I still feel better. I'm less winded going up a flight of steps. My clothes fit better (even if it's just mentally). I don't desire fatty foods because I know working out won't matter.

So I really encourage you to find a friend to work out with. Even if you and he aren't at the same stamina level, you'll still be more accounatble to getting excersize. And do what you like. Swimming? Shooting hoops? Walking? Lifting? Although....

My doctor once told me to start running. Even if it is only for 10 minutes a day. Why? "Because you never see a fat runner." People who are truly committed to running aren't overwieght.

And this little spiel is totally for me, too. Last May I got to the point where I could run a mile and a half without stopping. Which is amazing for me!!! But then I met a guy who I started dating who didn't hold me accountable to keeping it up. It was SO easy to be too busy to keep running when he liked my body. So now that I have more free time (i.e. we broke up), I'll be starting very soon. Tomorrow maybe.

Also, I like to think of working out as a preventative measure. Us overweight people have such a high risk of diabetes, cancer, and heart disease. I want to do all that I can so I can enjoy as many days on earth that the Lord wills.

Good luck with everything!

Keep us updated, okay?

 

[CelticFrog]

Okay... I'm going to be a TEENSY bit facetious here. But you may enjoy what I have to say.

Exercise. Hm. Now sometimes that can be real hard to get into, especially for one with the hobbies you've explained. So instead of suggesting more 'traditional' exercise, let me tell you different ways I have learned to create exercise opportunities in the face of your sort of hobbies. And I'll think more on everything else later... I have to do the mildly mindless posting tonight.

I have been sucked into MechWarrior. This in itself can be exercise. Why? Because you stand up to play the game. You walk around a table continually. You reach and reach again. Your brain gets tactical exercise. And you walk some more.
MechWarrior website
Now watch, I'll have gotten the link wrong.

Do you play D&D? We do. Have a regular weekly game, barring my desire for quality alone time with Ranger. Instead of sitting on the couch the entire time, eating snacky cakes (okay, well I eat a lot of those but only on Saturdays) I tend to get up, wander around the house, and occassionally lift a weight or two (homemade ones... like 2-liter bottles for curls)... I can do all this while still paying attention to the game. Ask sheath, I can multitask like crazy.

Video games? Get into them like I do. I'm one of those people that CAN NOT hold still during a video game... especially the driving ones. God help someone who tries to hold me still when I'm willing the damn car to move with my ENTIRE BODY.

Yeah, it's not a lot of exercise. But it's a start. And if you look into finding yourself healthier means of eating (not junk food) you'll find that cooking may become a hobby as well, and you'll be able to feed your passion for food with healthier, yummier fare. WHILE you lose weight.

My three
Ang

 

[Zergplex]

CelticFrog your list of exercising has just made you my hero. ^_^ I had never thought of my geeky pasttime could be used to lose weight. I'm not currently in a situation where I need to lose any more weight (it took me years but I'm now at a point that I am more then happy with my weight) but I definatly will remember those ideas (and recommend them to friends). No matter what you do it can be exercise, just take the extra few minutes to move around rather then sit around.

And if you ever get bored CelticFrog give me a PM, I'm always up to talk to a D&D, anime, or video game fan. ^_^

-Zergplex

 

[CelticFrog]

Oh yeah -- and I'm obsessive about creating dinner for the gaming group every Saturday night. Although sometimes I'm just too tired and we have frozen pizza, generally they get to play guinea pigs for some new creation.

Another good reason to learn great cooking skills.

Ang

 

[Ansi]

And if you look into finding yourself healthier means of eating (not junk food) you'll find that cooking may become a hobby as well

Actually, one of the big problems with my weight is that I have a *serious* distaste for almost all fruit/vegetable foods. My diet therefore consists mostly of meats, breads, and dairy products. Aside from giving my diet rather high fat/carb levels, this means that *real* cooking is rather beyond me...how am I supposed to cook scrumptious meals using veggies and the like when I myself can't stomach the stuff?

I'm not totally hopeless in the food department, though. Though I've found it mostly impossible to change *what* I eat, I have managed to reduce how *much* I eat. Specifically, I've been outright skipping meals (usually lunch) whenever my stomach will let me get away with it.

Also...in my household the #1 drink is sweet tea. REALLY sweet, as in 2 scoops of sugar per half-gallon. about 6 months ago, in an unusual fit of sheer willpower, I kicked the habit entirely. Ever since I've been drinking water (tastes great, less filling), diet colas (no sugar or much of anything else), and milk (which may actually help in the fat-burning process, if my mom's magazines are to be believed).

At any rate, between the 'no-tea' (heh) and the meal skipping ALONE, I've managed to lose over 25 pounds over the past 3.5 months. With hardly a bit of exercise, even. Hot damn!

I really would like to lose weight for the sake of my own physicality. The problem is that I have a painfully-short attention span (the direct result of ADD, mind you). Exercise is outright *boring* most of the time...combined with how badly it tires me out, I'm ready to give it up and go back to my magic entertainment box within a few days.

This is the same reason why I'm not good at much of anything...unless I have at least some innate talent at something (which I never do), my inevitable inability to progress quickly has me moving on in no time. Dammit.

After I made this post (and read some of the replies), I wound up with a *bad* case of depression. Not that I don't get those often, mind you...but this time, something was different. I snapped. I was sitting there, sobbing my poor heart out, and...something just *broke* in my mind. I stopped boo-hooing and just sat there for a while...not sad, not happy, not much of anything.

I had finally realized that I was sick of it. I was sick of being depressed. I wasn't sad because nothing was going right...I was *pissed* at myself for being such a nutjob. This chronic cyclical depression business was driving me insane!

So that's it, then. This has to stop. Come Hell or high water, I'm going to find some female companionship (love, or even just a *decent* friend or two) one way or another.

(plays patriotic music while the American flag flies in the background)

I've already drafted a plan of action. First, I'm going to give serious weight loss another try...and hopefully stick with it this time. Someone up above mentioned running...that's actually something I'd rather like to get into. People already say I can run unusually fast for a fat guy...I just can't keep it up for very long. Plus, maybe it will help me get my speed-freak jollies a little bit.

Second, I'm going to find *some* club(s) or the like in my area where I'll fit in. I've really wanted to do that for a long time...but I've never been able to FIND any. I live in a fairly small town in eastern North Carolina...this place isn't the kind of locale that fosters geeks like me. There's no sci-fi conventions or anything of that ilk here...not that I've found at least.

(not sure what you call them over there, but here, we have gaming rooms where people get together, male and female, to play computer games as well as strategic board games)

Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Amazingly enough, there was a place like that here in my own town (sold used games and served as a tabletop gamer hangout). But, as is typical of *my* luck, the place closed down only a week after I learned about it.

I guess my single biggest problem ATM is finding 'my' kind of people (especially female people) in my local area. Geeks like me by nature tend to stay out of the public sight. How can I *find* a D&D group, or a gaming store/room, or the like? I don't have a clue where to look...

Seriously, if anyone can tell me, PLEASE do. Not just for me...I've got an online female friend who'd kill to know where to look for boyfriends.

(Side note: I actually would like to give D&D a try. I even have my own 3rd-edition manual that I got to see how it all worked. But, again, I don't know where to look...)

I would love to go to some of those big sci-fi or other conventions, if only to reassure myself that there are people like me out there (and to score some cool merchandise). But aside from money issues (gads, plane flights are expensive!), I'd probably feel bad after meeting all those 'cool' people and then having to go home to my normal lonely life.

As far as non-geek clubs/groups go...that's a bit tricky. As I said, there isn't a lot of mainstream stuff that I'm interested in much. For example, I could never get 'into' art or the like...I'm terribly uncreative, plus I lack the mechanical skill to draw/paint/sculpt anything beyond a 3rd-grade level (I've tried taking art classes in high school, but they didn't help).

Aside from video games and an obscure form of digital "art" (pah) called spriting, the only thing I'm really any good at is writing (as my posts can testify). Again, though, I lack the creativity for good original fiction...I'm not sure I'd fit in at all with any fiction writers/fans.

Book clubs...hmm, not a bad idea. There is the problem of my tastes in books, though. Almost all of my reading literature is of the 'light' entertainment kind, usually fantastical and/or humerous...stuff like Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide, Pratchett's Discworld novels, the Lord of the Rings trilogy, etc. It seems to me that most book clubs and literature buffs oogle over 'deep' books...you know, the kind with "thematic significance" and "emotionally-complex characters" and the like. The kind that, more often than not, try so hard to drive home a point that the entertainment value is lost (at least to me). I guess I just can't appreciate what most people think are 'good' books.

One thing I certainly wouldn't mind is joining some kind of weight loss group. That'd be excellent...lose weight AND be able to meet lots of chicks. But again, I don't know where to look for that kind of thing. I'd join a gym, except I'm not that dedicated, not that rich, plus my college has a perfectly usable machine room I can access for free.

(Note to self: Start using machines and running track after class. Get in shape, maybe meet cute college girls. Mmm, co-eds in sweatpants... )

As for my personal advice on the subject I would say don't go out looking for a date, go out looking for friends.

Actually, my idea all along was to go for friends first, dates second. It somehow feels...wrong, to ask out on a date someone you just met in a bar or the like. I'd much prefer to meet women on a friendly level, watch to see who responds positively to me, and then try to take things upward from there. After all...if she's already my friend, then it's a given that she likes me...thus, she'll be a lot more likely to give me the benefit of the doubt when it comes time for dating. I hope.

Actually, I just had a thought...as I said, I'll be out of college and in the working world in 3 months. The online friend I mentioned above has herself a very close personal friend of the opposite sex; they've gotten really close because they decided to split the rent on an apartment. I've been thinking...maybe that would be a good idea for me to try. Once I'm on my own I'll probably be pressed for cash for at least a while...maybe I should seek out a roommate to split the bills.

One of my greatest regrets from college is that I didn't live on-campus, and thus didn't even have a roommate to be friends with. I suppose there's nothing stopping me from going that route now...find a nice, amiable female who'd be willing to bunk with me (no, not like THAT) and hopefully become my friend in the process. It worked for my online friend...I don't see why it wouldn't work for me.

So, any comments on any of this? That is, from those of you who survived reading this far?


Oh, just a quick question: As mentioned above, I've been skipping meals with good success...but it's been causing my stomach to growl and churn painfully at inopportune times. Anyone know of a good way to stop that?

 

[DevilishTexan]

And Warrior Queen wins the Lit trophy for the longest post lol!!!
(it's a lovely gold plated statue of a uni-sex person sitting in front of a computer with bug eyes, put it on the mantle!)
I have found that you don't find love, it finds you. Sometimes it walks up and just smacks the hell out of you!

 

[Vixandra]

From a medical view point: DO NOT SKIP MEALS! It will not help you in the end- you generally end up eating more later and it throws off your blood sugar, making it harder to loose and keep off weight.
I say go for a good break fast, lunch, keep dinner light and no before bed snacks. Tis better all around.
Slow and steady.
If you can't abide veggies- try putting the sugar-free peanut butter on them. Not as good but still peanuty taste that's good on carrots and celery p )
Also- stews are a great thing to hide veggies in. Beef broth can cover a lot.
www.recipezaar.com is a great site, also shows the nutritional info for the food too.

 

[Bobmi357]

Oh, just a quick question: As mentioned above, I've been skipping meals with good success...but it's been causing my stomach to growl and churn painfully at inopportune times. Anyone know of a good way to stop that?

People are going to shoot me for this one, but I find coffee, with sweet'n'low and a powdered creamer curbs my appetite and the sounds it makes quite nicely.

I've also heard that grapefruit juice helps curb the appetite. As much as I like the stuff, it doesn't have that effect on me. On the other hand, sitting here sipping at my HUGE coffee mug, I'm not hungry. I haven't eaten since last night, but I'm not hungry. Take away my coffee and I'll be ready to chew your arm off in about 20 minutes.

 

[Mskey]

Well first off I want to say welcome to Lit!
Much of what I would say has already been posted here but I did want to let you know that despite what you think you're not beyond hope.

You strike me as intelligent and articulate, very attractive qualities in a friend and more in my opinion, and while you may be feeling down on yourself now you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. I say work on your self-image- easier said then done I know!- and see if things don't start to improve from there. Sure looks are important, but they aren't everything! A man who is comfortable in his own skin is sexier to me then a guy who may be a physical knockout but trying to be something he's not. Everyone has different tastes and turn ons and call me romantic but I do believe there is a person out there for everyone. Sometimes we just have to look a bit harder to find them then other people do.

Alot of good ideas have been posted to help you get yourself out there and to expand your social circle. Try some of them out and see if they help. Get comfortable and happy within yourself and that will radiate and make you more attractive to others as well. Put yourself in some low or no pressure situations where you have the opportunity to meet more people, take a class, go to the park etc. As long as you stay holed up in your own world you may feel " safe" but you'll be cutting yourself off from any opportunity to find someone.
It's not going to be easy to do, but if you set your head and heart to it I think you can make the changes you want to.

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

Well your recent post seems to say your heading in the right direction. Good for you!

-Zergplex

 

[warrior queen]

And Warrior Queen wins the Lit trophy for the longest post lol!!!
(it's a lovely gold plated statue of a uni-sex person sitting in front of a computer with bug eyes, put it on the mantle!)
I have found that you don't find love, it finds you. Sometimes it walks up and just smacks the hell out of you!

i felt i had to reply
in detail.

i have a friend who was in almost the same situation, and he came out of it and into luuuuurrrrrvvve doing the things i said.

 

[Ansi]

I find coffee, with sweet'n'low and a powdered creamer curbs my appetite and the sounds it makes quite nicely.

Coffee? Ick. I think I'd rather have the stomach problems.

Ugh...I never liked coffee. Tastes like muddy water. Plus, I'd rather not get hooked back on caffiene after kicking the tea habit so handily.

As for the meal-skipping...to put it bluntly, one of the major problems with my eating habits is that I already eat far more than I need to. Oftentimes I'll munch on snacks between meals not because I'm particularly hungry, but because I just feel some subconcious need to. Personally, I think that's another bad habit I need to kick, and I haven't been doing bad at it so far.

You strike me as intelligent and articulate

Heh. Well, not to toot my own horn, but...

However, don't forget that this is *text* communication. I'm considerably less articulate with speech, primarily because I just don't have the time my brain needs to put my thoughts together properly. Especially when I'm nervous (such as when I'm, say, talking to pretty girls ), I often stumble over syllables, transpose word orders, and stutter. I fear that this makes me come across as a boorish oaf rather than the wordy guy of book-learnin' I am.

Also, I find it *very* disconcerting making eye contact with people when I speak to them. Something about having looking directly at me like that...well, it makes me nervous. I've been reading a book on shyness lately...one thing is suggests is a sort-of "mask" technique. The basic idea is that one can lessen the 'jolt' of direct eye contact by wearing sunglasses or something else that partially obscures your own eyes. I've been thinking about that one, and it sounds like it might actually work...somehow, it seems comforting to think that I could converse without the other party being able to see through my 'windows into the soul', taking them off after I get more comfortable. Then again, eye contact is considered very important in US society...hiding behind sunglasses might make me seem rude.

Oh, and...not to seem repetitive, but I would still appreciate any tips for finding social groups and the like in my area.

It recently occured to me that volunteer work of some sort might be a good way to get into something new. I mean, hardly anyone would turn down free help, and it wouldn't require any extensive skill on my part to do. Plus, I do like being nice for people, even I am afraid of them. Anyone have suggestions for what kinds of places might be good for my purposes?

 

[BirdsWife]

It recently occured to me that volunteer work of some sort might be a good way to get into something new. I mean, hardly anyone would turn down free help, and it wouldn't require any extensive skill on my part to do. Plus, I do like being nice for people, even I am afraid of them. Anyone have suggestions for what kinds of places might be good for my purposes?

I'd suggest you start out volunteering at some place that caters to young children or senior citizens, or perhaps even try an animal shelter. You would probably feel much less "threatened" by these three groups than with people your own age. Starting here will help you learn interpersonal skills and develop some confidence in your abilities, which you can then slowly incorporate into other areas of your life.



And speaking from experience, the sunglasses trick does work.

 

[NaiveOne]

I think the volunteering idea is brilliant! I say totally go for it. I don't know what your religious affiliations are, but church is always a god place to meet nice people, maybe a cute gal, too.


As for the suport groups, check with our community center. It's their job to have groups that cater to the needs of their town. Also check there for other activities. Lots of them offer art classes, golf lessons, etc.

 

[CelticFrog]

hm. yes. here I am, finding ways to exercise and game at the same time.

Is there a Rent-A-Center near you? Why not look into getting a treadmill (or stairstepper, I would suggest that instead) from them or a thrift store? Then, you can play your happy magic box games while endlessly exercising at least your lower half. Just don't set anything too high or you'll end up killing yourself because you couldn't pause fast enough.

Just another random idea.

Ang

 

[Needssome]

Just to add my 2 cents worth: If you want to find love - don't go looking for it. I thought people were crazy when they told me to do that and I never gave it a real try. Finally I got fed up with not being able to find a date no matter how much I hoped and dreamed (and to some extent, flirted) and gave up. I decided to not care who I went out with (not that I ever had anyone lining up) and just started putting myself out there like I had never done before. I wasn't expecting to find anyone anyways, and then I did. The kicker - I probably would never have dated him if hadn't made that decision. He seemed like a nice guy, didn't think we really had much in common but I'd go for it anyways and boom! Incredible guy in my life!

Also: don't expect finding that special someone to make you feel better about yourself. No one else can do that for you! You just end up feeling bad about yourself but instead you also have a make out partner.

Okay this "quick" reply is getting long. But I also need to add, try looking online - really. I'm a bit of a computer geek who is incredibly shy with a penchant for falling for guys who are in very serious relationships. My guy is also pretty shy and a BIG computer geek. Neither of us was into the bar scene and all that and so we made our match online. The best part was we just so happened to both go to the same university! Never would have met him otherwise - even though we passed each other in the halls on a regular basis!

So good luck! I KNOW how hard it is to meet people. I'm trying to get myself a new circle of friends now that my undergrad friends have all moved home and I'm still at school (a grad student now). One more suggestion: try wearing a hair net. I swear I never got hit on so many times in my life as the summer I spent as a cafeteria lady.

 

[kiwis29]

It recently occured to me that volunteer work of some sort might be a good way to get into something new. I mean, hardly anyone would turn down free help, and it wouldn't require any extensive skill on my part to do. Plus, I do like being nice for people, even I am afraid of them. Anyone have suggestions for what kinds of places might be good for my purposes? [/B]

First of welcome...
I have read thru everyone's posts and I agree with everyone's advice. I think that volunteering is an amazing idea. I am assuming that you live in a pretty small town as I do. Like 3200 people small. We have a huge senior citizen center, and an old folks home where basically old people have been dropped off and they have no family around to visit them. There are a lot of nurses there that are single women..That could be a place to start is by visiting old people..I find that they lighten my day a whole bunch when hearing old stories. I know different strokes for different folks but maybe being around people that truly have no one will lighten your mood and help you get out of your slump also..I don't know I am just trying to suggest different things. You could always read to children at the schools library. We have a guy that does that at our elementary school. He is in a wheelchair and the kids just love him. I don't know if any of this helps you but I thought I would just put my two cents in.

 

[Mskey]

I'll give a big thumbs up to the volunteering with children idea! Kids are wonderful for lighting up your life and making things seem so much simpler and easier, plus kids don't judge quite the same way adults do. They are happy to have a person in their lives who wants to spend time with them regardless of what they may look like and they tend to give so much of themselves that it's hard to not feel great when a little face lights up as you walk into the room.

Oh, and while I do realize that it's alot easier to communicate in the safe faceless world of the internet, I still maintain that I sense and intelligence and charm in your online demeanor that I think will eventually be able to find its way into a realtime conversation as well.

 

[peachykeen]

Ansi you have certainly gotten some very good advice here. One thing I would say is that, although I know you are lonely and looking for a partner, I would maybe put looking for romance 'on the shelf' for a little while, and focus on figuring out who you are, and getting yourself/your life in shape. It sounds like you're already working towards that, which is great, and you've got the most important thing, which is the will to make positive changes. I think if you just take, say, 6 months to a year, and forget about looking for a partner but just concentrate on broadening your social circle and being healthy, you'll find yourself one day waking up and going "Damn! I feel good, I look good, hey world, check me out!" And that confidence and bright attitude is bound to catch someone's eye before too long. It ain't gonna happen overnight, but it will happen eventually. What is that saying, "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step", eh?

My one great overeating-avoidance tip: water, and lots and lots and lots of it. And then, have some more. In fact, I would say, cut out all other beverages. (In my house we have saying- "Water when not wine". In other words, we usually have wine with dinner, but at all other times, it's just water, water, water. Well, except for a cup of coffee in the morning, but since you've already said you don't care for it, hey, not a problem!) Avoid soft drinks at all costs (yes even the diet ones, they're rubbish and full of toxins, which will slow down your bodies ability to break down adipose tissue). Water, water, water.

Oh and I just thought of another one: dried apple rings for snacks. If you eat a handful - and go on, be generous, have a big handful - and then have guess what, a great big glass of water, the apple rings will absorb the water and expand in your belly to make you feel full. Voila!

As far as volunteering goes, there are plenty of things you can do that don't require a lot of special skills. How about running errands for senior citizens, who still live independently but maybe can't get around so well on their own anymore? Often older people appreciate assistance with all kinds of everyday things that we give no thought to. Going to the supermarket, the post office. And you know, an awful lot of them are quite lonely as well, and would just like to have someone to chat with once in a while.