How to - Friends with Benefits

[Primalex]

FWB are strong, supportive, and loving FRIENDS first and foremost. The sexual part of the relationship is added pleasure - but each FWB must accept they are always a place-holder lover and can be replaced if their partner finds "The One" - and when they are replaced, they should be just as supportive in their friends future as they were in the present they shared.

What he said.


I'm "with" my FWB for 11 years and neither of us would dare to demand priority over some other partner or end our friendship just because of some other woman or guy.

 

[clyde57]

I'm looking for a bit of insight. I've been wanting a simple friends with benefits arrangement for awhile now. After getting out of a long term and now with a schedule of work and school, I don't care for any further commitment at this point in my life. But I don't want to have too many notches on my bed post either. My first and last fwb was earlier this year and was a complete failure.

He was a great guy but started to become attached and I guess wanted to be the exception to my situation. Started nagging when I didn't call or pick up (I was usually in class at these times), wanted to do more date nights and less fucking. He accused me of playing with his heart and using him which made me feel horrible despite being upfront from the start. The last thing I wanted was anyone to feel disrespected and so I believed in being honest from start to end. Long story short I ended it but the end was still messy and emotionally guilt ridden.

So I guess I'm left wondering...

Did I simply choose the wrong guy? Should I be upfront first or later on after becoming friends? Is this even a successful arrangement to have or is it bound to fail?

Hope you're in the UK !!!

 

[DirtySecrets11]

xxxxxxxx

 

[LiveFromKorea]

Sounds like you need to find a guy with attachment issues.

I think the best advice I could give was already said by someone else. There is an emotional connection with FWB's, but it's important that for a truly successful relationship to happen both people are aware of what that connection is.

I can enjoy hanging out, drinking, playing video games, and BSing with someone all night, but that doesn't mean I want to marry them. Sex is no different. I can enjoy sex with someone and not want to marry them.

Both people need to know themselves and be able to either curb their feelings or end things if their feelings are swaying from friends to more intimate feelings. That said, I think actually being friends and being able to keep things separate would make a FWB situation better. That's just so hard to do.

 

[LiveFromKorea]

You want a long-term FWB, exclusive for you, because he is not allowed to have feelings for other women and is only allowed to have feelings for you, but not too strong feelings?

Seriously, girl, grow up!

YOU lack the right attitude to enter a FWB relationship. You don't want a FWB, you want a dildo with voice recognition.

I think you misunderstood what she said.

I took it as, "If a man is in a committed relationship, whether it's open or not, I don't want to be part of that."

Which to me just means that if her FWB finds someone he wants to see, then she would be happy for him, but wouldn't want to sleep with him anymore. To me that jives with what Paul Chance said, which you agreed with.

 

[Blazexx]

FWB is not worth it in my opinion unless the guy is really special.

 

[tiny_tits]

Here's my advice: Find a married man in an open relationship where his wife knows and approves of him having an extra lover. I have had the opportunity to be FWB with a few women during my marriage (which is still open and still amazing). I've always been upfront about my wife's place in my heart and home and every woman I've engaged in this situation with knows exactly where she stands. We enjoy our time together and usually, it ends when they find someone they want to be more emotionally involved with. Of course, this has it's own pitfalls, but I've had pretty amazing luck with this over the years.

Now..how can you find something like this? It's pretty rare, or so I've found, but there are a few places you can look. PM me if you want some more detailed information.

For some time now, I've been pursued by a married, older man at work that has proposed a FWB type relationship.

I am very close to accepting his proposal...

(but he does not have an 'open relationship')

 

[Primalex]

For some time now, I've been pursued by a married, older man at work

Don't shit where you eat.

 

[Hypoxia]

For some time now, I've been pursued by a married, older man at work

Don't shit where you eat.

What they said. Workplace relationships can work (or at least be non-destructive) IFF A) neither party is married AND B) neither party works for the other. Go for a married cow-orker? Expect deep shit to splatter all over you. Go for a married cow-orker while you yourself are married? Expect ten times more. Pursue such paths only if you are tired of your present life and career, and wish to fully experience pain. Have fun.

 

[Mrclean_sober]

Um, no...

I've seen this go horribly wrong on 2 occasions. I don't know a time when it has worked well, although I guess there are people who did it that I don't know about. In general, absolutely horrible idea.

For some time now, I've been pursued by a married, older man at work that has proposed a FWB type relationship.

I am very close to accepting his proposal...

(but he does not have an 'open relationship')

 

[panty_aussie]

i think its a problem

I have tried but found women wanted there cake and eat it too.

I had fun with chick who wanted a casual esclusive relationship whatever that is.

I think i found chicks get jealous i had more than fuck buddy at a time. I couldnt just have one chick she was too busy so found another one.

I think women wanted to fuck heaps of guys but me only to see them so def big double standard. I think i found alot of women with problems

 

[jomar]

Your statement is less of a broad generalization than you may think.

The bonding hormone - oxytocin - is released by guys upon orgasm. For women its released upon duress, stress, and conflict (IIRC).

When he blows get the F out of there as quickly as possible. Men are like baby chickens. After they hatch anybody can become mama (wait that might not be a good analogy).

J

Nonsense. Women release oxytocin when making love the same as men. And childbirth. Where did you get information that a bonding hormone gets released during conflict...that makes no sense.

 

[jomar]

For some time now, I've been pursued by a married, older man at work that has proposed a FWB type relationship.

I am very close to accepting his proposal...

(but he does not have an 'open relationship')

I have to agree with others...these don't end well. If you're up for an older man, and that might work for based on your thread, find another.

 

[patient1]

As a guy, let me say that I think you simply picked the wrong guy. It happens all the time. Based on my experience with this type of relationship all you can do is be up front about what you want, draw some hard lines, then don't cross them, and don't be afraid to simply walk away.

Over the years I've found there is a certain type of personality that can do a casual FWB type relationship. Find someone who is stable (jobs and relationships), successful (success in one thing generally means success in others), and a non-drinker, non-drug user (or very light and casual user - the drama from alcohol and drugs will spill into your FWB relationship). I've found people who are divorced and comfortable with being single the best - they bring a "thanks, no thanks" attitude toward traditional relationships.

It's not so much about having emotional attachments - I think FWB relationship are an emotional attachment - but rather about having the right type of emotional attachment - casual, loving, and non-possessive.

Good luck!

As for myself, come to think of it, my only FWB experience was with my wife, and while the great friendship and great sex lasted, the FWB status didn't. I have no regrets.

What you say makes sense. Content divorced people sound like the best safeguard against complications.

 

[leatherleaf]

Nonsense. Women release oxytocin when making love the same as men. And childbirth. Where did you get information that a bonding hormone gets released during conflict...that makes no sense.

Don't be an ass and dismiss things because YOU can't understand it.

Its not my burden to teach you.

But since I am: http://www.psu.edu/ur/2000/womenstress.html

 

[jomar]

Don't be an ass and dismiss things because YOU can't understand it.

Its not my burden to teach you.

But since I am: http://www.psu.edu/ur/2000/womenstress.html

Thanks for the link! But you were misleading, or at least incomplete, when you brought up oxytocin.

 

[human_male]

I have no experience with it but I guess all you can do is be upfront about it, like you have, but if he starts expressing deeper feelings or gets clingly end it quickly. Don't let it drag on.

 

[FGB]

For some time now, I've been pursued by a married, older man at work that has proposed a FWB type relationship.

I am very close to accepting his proposal...

(but he does not have an 'open relationship')

That is not what he is about!

He is after a hot little piece on the Side!

Or looking for a "other woman"

"A player only loves you when their playing!"

 

[GiggLeGasm]

actually.. having been a lamaze instructor for over a decade, I have some experience teaching the oxytocin debate. Men typically experience two types of oxytocin highs in their lifetimes. The first is associated with love. Many research articles contradict the one that has been sighted, suggesting that the oxytocin rush actually encourages monogamy because the male will compare oxytocin highs that he receives with each mate. The second type of high occurs when he is witnessing the birth of a child. It is, for some men, a bonding experience.

The article is a bit outdated and does not include more current information about the ability of others to facilitate the oxytocin response in men. It also does not address the newly popular theories regarding men who slow the oxytocin response in women (specifically targeted to the pregnant population)

So much to learn.

If only you men would stick around long enough for us to probe you with needles after the sex act..
we could be much wiser.

 

[SexyAlison]

seems like you just picked the wrong guy. he wanted more and you didn't. I think the key to FWB relationships is to never do anything romantic. I love FWB relationships but you have to be careful. Obviously it's okay to hang out and stuff, but never treat it like a date. Treat it like being with one of the girls. He should treat it as being with one of the guys, just they're the opposite sex and you fuck them once in a while.

 

[Loving50]

When I first got into a fwb relationship I had no idea what the rules were or should be. I learned that they are determined by two mature adults who can look at the situation realistically and agree on guidelines that work for them both. You can't look to others to set limits and rules for you.

In our case it was very simple. Be discreet and it works until it doesn't for either one of us. Ambiguous? Yes. Possibly frustrating? Yes. Satisfying? In our case, yes.

Please be careful.

 

[LearnerDom]

If you are that desperate for NSA sex, try Male escorts. They will do exactly as you ask within certain limits, be very good looking with fit bodies and they sure as hell wont become emotionally attached to you

 

[Que]

I haven't been very good at it.

If you want casual sex and casual sex only how is it that you are a "good girl" if you keep your bedpost notch count down by serial relationships?

Either casual sex is ok and liberating or it isn't for you, or it isn't- right?

What difference does it make if you have sex 7 times a month with the same guy or sex 7 times a month with 3-4 different guys, if the intent was just fun?

I have never been female, but the way I was raised gave me a LOT of misconceptions about them that don't seem valid in the real world. As a Male I thought it was my job to keep my dick in my pants and not "corrupt" the fairer gender into engaging in fornication. I was taught that evil men 'use" a girl for sex and cast her aside.

I have met few girls with LESS casual sex experience than I, I have found they are probably MORE apt to suggest taking things physical early, so, I dunno.

I think the whole meme was inverted somewhere. I think a LOT of guys are bad at FWB...(Me included)

If the girl does it for you...shes beautiful, available and she is good in bed...isn't that what a guy is LOOKING for in a long term companion???

Woman's requirements for a long term guy I think tend to be more complicated...a guy might be all of the above, but is ambitious? Is he got the social skills to be around her friends and family? Is he daddy material?

Even though I am (probably) past my child-siring days, I actually DO think about a girls maternal qualities, but I haven't heard many guys extolling that sort of relationship trait in their hot girlfriend...they figure it out too late.

I think guys are way more easily enmeshed than popular culture portrays.

 

[Daniel_Hart]

I have always found it harder to maintain than it at first seems. Someone always seems to want more pretty quickly. What is the secret for maintaining the FWB aspect?

 

[KinkyPan]

It really can be difficult to find the right balance of friendship and sex to make a FWB situation fun without becoming caught up in possessiveness or mismatched desires. It is possible to have good sex and good friendship with someone you aren't romantically involved with, though.

You've had a lot of good advice - be honest up front, be ready to disengage if he develops feelings you don't share, etc. When I first started to try to have relationships without possessiveness someone recommended that I read The Ethical Slut, which is basically a how-to manual on being in honest, respectful, nonpossessive relationships. If I recall correctly, there's a whole chapter on living single and seeing people outside of the normal relationship escalator*. It helped me a lot and I still reread it about every year or so. You might find it useful too.

*Relationship escalator: "Well, we've been seeing each other awhile, now we're an official couple" leading to "well, we've been a couple awhile, we should live together" leading to "well, we've been living together awhile, I guess it's time to get married."