How to - Friends with Benefits

[TotalKnockout]

I've had one or two pretty successful FWB relationships, one that lasted over nine months until I ended it in October. From my experience (and only my experience) it was successful for a few reasons:

--we met on a sex-themed site (i.e.: looking for play partners, casual hookups, etc) so the intention was clear from the get-go.
--we only engaged in sexual-based activities when we met up. We never hung out, shared a meal, talked too much personal stuff, and when we were done fooling around one of us went home. We only slept over once and that was because it was super late, and that didn't feel good when it happened, so we steered clear to avoid it afterwards.
--we didn't meet every week, but more like every three weeks. That kept either one of us getting to attached to a routine.
--we didn't text or talk too much unless we were contacting each other to meet up.
--we both had other sex partners we hung out with during this period so we weren't totally dependent on each other for sexual/emotional satisfaction.
--He wasn't really boyfriend material. He was a good guy, he made me laugh, we had some things in common, and he was great in bed, but he worked really insane hours and smoked a lot of pot. Not really what I was looking for in a partner. And he wasn't really looking for a girlfriend either. So while I enjoyed his company I wasn't secretly yearning or hoping we'd end up together.

We had an amazing nine month run and I really enjoyed our time together. He was a fantastic lover and while we were fond of each other, we didn't get too attached.

I think it's totally possible for you to find something NSA as long as you are super direct about making sure it's what you want. And if you feel yourself or him getting attached, you have to be honest about that too.
Hope this helps!
Good luck!

TKO

 

[LWulf]

I think some people are just geared for friends with benefits, while others are not.

Now if you asked me when I was younger, I'd have said women are unable to have a FWB attitude. I had a couple of instances where friends told me they had a FWB relationship (before there was a name or title for that kind of thing), and true to my gut feeling, it would end badly where the guy was bemoaning over how "they had an agreement to not get involved!!!"

Later in life, I realized that I, myself, am a person who is incapable of a FWB attitude. This has led me to believe that either sex has the capacity to be incapable of FWB attitudes.

I think the problem starts where people don't know if they are or aren't geared for FWB attitudes. Then again, I think some people are, frankly, lonely and when they find someone who comes out and says "I want a FWB relationship," they will just go along with the ride thinking "maybe something good will come out of it?"

So there you have it; some people are incapable, while others are lying to themselves. Then again, I think some people think "I don't want anything more than FWB" at the beginning, but then human nature takes the driver's seat and before you know it, their heart lets them know they think more than they had at the beginning. As the song goes "hearts can be that way."

The trick to it all is; they say that the best LTRs start out as friends, so where do you draw the line between "FWB" and "friends at the beginning of an LTR"?
Because nobody, in my experiences, successfully goes into a relationship starting with "I want an LTR."

I wish people would just go with the older, simpler terms like "dating" and "going steady" and just accept that "all is fair in love..." and forget all this playing with words and "new" terms to describe what has been going on since the dawn of the world.
The problem is there isn't a perfect answer to any situation and people try to come up with a new perfect way to try to forestall guilt and ugly endings.
The one truth is, there is no perfect way.

Good things turn out badly to perfectly normal people (SNAFU (Situation Normal; All F***ed Up)).

I don't think you should feel guilty or badly that the guy has unresolved feelings after you left. You both agreed to FWB and he changed midstream. Contractually speaking, he isn't holding up his end of the deal.
'Nuff said.

Except, on that note...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f--u_puzhGs

 

[Elixxxher]

I have no experience with it but I guess all you can do is be upfront about it, like you have, but if he starts expressing deeper feelings or gets clingly end it quickly. Don't let it drag on.

Agreed. If all you want is to get together and screw, occasionally, regularly or whatever, you need to be right up front that that is it. Let them know if you're doing it with others as well and definitely don't pick up something at work, that will fuck you up real bad if it doesn't end well.

It also appears that a FWB relationship may be just matching headspace as everyone is different and the things they may want do change over time. If it starts to get too serious or you start getting complaints about wanting to get together for not sex stuff, be sure you talk about it and straighten things up right away before it gets away from you. Note as well, your perspective may change, so don't get upset if your FWB pulls back if you start getting more serious. Pendulum swings both ways.

Best of luck!