How to get a woman to reply to a PM

[SmileyGirl]

I agree with Rainshine. I will rarely respond to a guy who isn't atleast posting on the boards and had some interaction with me. Guys who pm and don't post on the boards always make me feel a bit uneasy, like they're shady or have something to hide. It doesn't need to be tons of posts but atleast some kind of interaction on the threads. And yes I always read profiles and look at previous posts and that will also have a bearing on whether I respond.

 

[eric60red]

I agree with Rainshine. I will rarely respond to a guy who isn't atleast posting on the boards and had some interaction with me. Guys who pm and don't post on the boards always make me feel a bit uneasy, like they're shady or have something to hide. It doesn't need to be tons of posts but atleast some kind of interaction on the threads. And yes I always read profiles and look at previous posts and that will also have a bearing on whether I respond.

I entirly agree before I message a female I check her profile and posts, it helps me to decide if she is the type of woman or girl that interests me

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I almost never PM, so all are safe.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Send her flowers via PM. Specifically peonies. Worked for me.

 

[sereneone4u]

Can't say if that one poster is on target with your picture cause I didn't see it (and I'm not a chick.)


I think they tend to like a picture that gives them a feel for what you look like, but there's some kind of line that's hard for guys to discern.

Back in a previous incarnation when I was on Lit with my then-wife, she was quite taken with a lot of the photos done by y=mx+b..(I cut him some slack for looking better than I because I'm a big fan of quadratic equations, but I digress)

Because of a particular picture of his we went out thrifting and found me a pair of button-fly vintage jeans to replicate one of his pictures. It showed nothing but the flap was slightly undone. With women (generally speaking here) less is more.

A hint of rakish behavior is better than flashing.

If anonymity is required I'd go with maybe a close-up of an eye, or a smile...back turned mostly from the camera could work too.

You mentioned you thought your pm's content were fine (assuming you mean you avoided the pitfalls suggested) perhaps you, like I, don't leave enough mystery. You seem open to me, and the sort of guy wears his heart on his sleeve.

Girls SAY they like a man "in touch with his feelings" and forthright about his intentions. So, we as guys tend to tell them straight out what it is that we find attractive about them. Best to tease that a bit. A hint of attraction is great, fawning when they don't know you is awkward to them. We don't get that because as men we are compliment starved...women hardly ever give us compliments on our appearance even if you can believe it a man as handsome as I!

As you can tell, I tend to write prolifically. I do WAY better online and in real life on the rare occasion when I pause and say quite a bit less than what I had in mind.

Plus they are DELUGED with pm's so keep it interesting and really pithy if possible.

THEY on the other hand need to work on being LESS pithy. As mentioned in my thread and above here "LOL" or "Go on..." or "Tell me more..." is NOT a conversation.

Excellent post.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Can't say if that one poster is on target with your picture cause I didn't see it (and I'm not a chick.)


I think they tend to like a picture that gives them a feel for what you look like, but there's some kind of line that's hard for guys to discern.

Back in a previous incarnation when I was on Lit with my then-wife, she was quite taken with a lot of the photos done by y=mx+b..(I cut him some slack for looking better than I because I'm a big fan of quadratic equations, but I digress)

Because of a particular picture of his we went out thrifting and found me a pair of button-fly vintage jeans to replicate one of his pictures. It showed nothing but the flap was slightly undone. With women (generally speaking here) less is more.

A hint of rakish behavior is better than flashing.

If anonymity is required I'd go with maybe a close-up of an eye, or a smile...back turned mostly from the camera could work too.

You mentioned you thought your pm's content were fine (assuming you mean you avoided the pitfalls suggested) perhaps you, like I, don't leave enough mystery. You seem open to me, and the sort of guy wears his heart on his sleeve.

Girls SAY they like a man "in touch with his feelings" and forthright about his intentions. So, we as guys tend to tell them straight out what it is that we find attractive about them. Best to tease that a bit. A hint of attraction is great, fawning when they don't know you is awkward to them. We don't get that because as men we are compliment starved...women hardly ever give us compliments on our appearance even if you can believe it a man as handsome as I!

As you can tell, I tend to write prolifically. I do WAY better online and in real life on the rare occasion when I pause and say quite a bit less than what I had in mind.

Plus they are DELUGED with pm's so keep it interesting and really pithy if possible.

THEY on the other hand need to work on being LESS pithy. As mentioned in my thread and above here "LOL" or "Go on..." or "Tell me more..." is NOT a conversation.

I find that men waste their time with women who aren't interested. When a woman is interested she'll come after you. So I never PM or email or send poems until she acts interested. I wait. I wait a long time. But I still get PMs.

 

[GrrlFriday]

I'm usually pretty good on what i say in Pm's but i still don't get replies.


It could very well just be me.

Maybe... look at what kinds of posts you're writing - can someone get a sense of who you are through your posts?

 

[wongyboy95]

bumping this amazing thread to the top! really taught me heaps!

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Which was in relation to our interaction on the forum as well as really, really funny.

Humour wins for me, every time.

Pbrain makes me laugh a lot.

 

[subdued_passion]

I find that men waste their time with women who aren't interested. When a woman is interested she'll come after you. So I never PM or email or send poems until she acts interested. I wait. I wait a long time. But I still get PMs.

Can't speak for all women. But this is me for sure. If I find anything interesting about a poster, I will PM them letting them know that and why I find them interesting.

I won't beat around the bush either.

Bottomline, you gotta post so women get a sense of who you are.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Can't speak for all women. But this is me for sure. If I find anything interesting about a poster, I will PM them letting them know that and why I find them interesting.

I won't beat around the bush either.

Bottomline, you gotta post so women get a sense of who you are.

Sure. If you got IT flaunt IT and she'll check you out.

 

[hunnyblonde]

Beat me to it!

I've been trying to dig up my own thoughts on this topic for quite a while. It was buried in an old LiveJournal entry. I found a shortcut to it though finally.

I'm not trying to hijack this thread, I just don't want to create a brand new one that would be a duplicate when I'm just as happy contributing to someone else's instead.

So here are my two cents:


"The Perfect PM" according to Annie.

I've been asked before, what am I looking for in a PM. Essentially, the biggest problem men have online is that they don't know what their words are communicating and so they come across inaccurately. So that's paramount to the issue...be sensitive to the fact that men and women tend to speak different languages. Try your best at translating what you want to communicate into a message that is appealing. I'm sure many women have the same problem, but we're not the ones doing the pursuing, so it matters very little. We don't have to "get it right" in a few sentences because there will always be opportunity for us to demonstrate our personality and uniqueness over the course of several conversations. But a man only has probably one or two tries before he's on the default "no fly" list that all women have.

My first piece of unsolicited advice in making the most of those one or two chances is not to waste them on a thread, but instead to seek out individual women and send a thoughtful PM to her. Then you're almost guaranteed at least a few seconds of her undivided attention as she considers what you've written. You're not guaranteed that she'll even open your thread if you go that route. Also, there is more of a drive in some women to be cordial enough to send a reply, especially if you've made yourself stand out in the slightest. The bar is set pretty low at Lit, it shouldn't be difficult to grab someone's attention if you put in any amount of reasonable effort.

After deciding to send a PM, the hard part is composing a letter that will be both unique and attractive to the recipient. I think every PM should be different, but that first-time letters should all follow roughly the same basic formula, which I've sort of made up here based on the way I perceive my own expectations to be for such a letter.

I think I do very well with men online because we communicate similarly. (But apparently I have some luck with women as well....I must be bilingual! LOL) When talking with men, I speak directly using straightforward language and clear, precise thoughts, because that's how they talk and think, and it's what makes sense to them. Female recipients need a more restrained version of the same language. You almost have to come at them from a sneaky angle. You can't usually just say "here it is.... this is what I want from you." You have to let it be her idea. She needs to see the benefit for herself before she'll respond. And if you understand how desperately most all women want to be pursued and possessed and obsessed over, then you can cater to that longing, and have damn near any woman you want. So with that in mind, here is my roughly constructed formula for creating PMs, which I've broken up into three sections, each of which should probably be a short paragraph in the PM:

1) Compliments/Flattery/Attraction
2) Intention/Purpose/Desire
3) Incentive/Persuasion/Seduction

I'm going to talk in the first person sense now, as if I'm the recipient of the PM. This is, after all, my formula for the perfect PM. *grin*

The first paragraph should be used to explain why I find a letter from you in my Inbox. Why me? How did you notice me, and what about that encounter made you write to me? Unless you have a complaint you want to make about me, this should obviously be a time to either compliment something I said that you've read, or to point out desires we have in common with one another that make you attracted to me. There must be attraction. I can't just be a case-study to you. You absolutely must demonstrate some sexual desire for me, or I'll never respond, at least not with sexual interest for you.

Example:

Hello Hunny, my name is xxxx. I've seen your posts from time to time and I must say that I always smile when I see your lovely avatar, as I very much look forward to reading your thoughts on any topic. You're thoughtful and erotic, and you clearly have a firm grasp on much of what excites you and what pleases you. This makes me want to know more about you, especially those things which you do not share in the main forum. I share in some of your desires, and the thought of exploring even deeper with you arouses me greatly.

The second paragraph is for honesty. I know you want something, so tell me what it is. Don't be aggressively direct about it, but don't try to hide it either. Whether you're looking for a cybering partner, or someone to boss around on camera, it's very important (at least to me) that you quickly get to the point so that I can determine matters of compatibility. If you're looking for something that I will literally never be interested in, it will suck to make that discovery after twelve PMs. Even if you're flexible and only have a vague goal in mind, go ahead and say it. I won't know which direction to move toward if I don't know what you want from me. And everybody knows that the girl is always in control of moving from one level of interaction to another. It's possible to let this step wait until the second PM, but I myself prefer knowing in advance what a man is after.

Example:

I'm looking for someone sexual, intelligent and playful to spend some of my free time with, and you seem like exactly that kind of girl. I would love to share a few PMs, get to know one another by chatting, and then eventually share some sexually-charged moments together, pleasuring one another and using the knowledge we've learned while building a delicious tension. I also enjoy talking on the phone and would love to try that if it's something you're comfortable with. Any or all of the above activities are available for your consideration if I have piqued your interest.

Lastly.... make me want you. Seduce me. And go hard or go home. Don't make me wonder if you're interested in my pleasure or not. You either are or you aren't. The only men I'd expect to find in the "aren't" category would be Doms of course, but even Doms most frequently want pleasure from their partners. Also, don't be cheesy. Not in the first PM. And not in the second one either, unless you can really pull it off in a clever way. Being a cheeseball is cute, but not sexy. There is no faster way to land yourself in the friend zone. The last thing I would add here is that a man should spend more time and energy on emotional and psychological pleasure than on a non-existent physical pleasure. Any real, true physical pleasure that a woman is going to feel for you will happen only after you've won her heart or her mind or both. Lengthy narratives that describe physical encounters have no effect whatsoever unless I already have a good taste of you, which can't be accomplished in one letter.

Example:

I look forward to learning your desires. I believe I can tempt you with my own lusts, seducing you slowly and arousing your need while simultaneously satisfying it. Your pleasure will be the catalyst for mine, and I'll do everything I can to make it happen as often as possible. I will reach through the distance and make your physical body ache for release, and then I'll help you achieve it. Nothing stimulates me more than spending time with a sexy creature like yourself.

 

[Eilan]

so no pic is preferred?

I actually liked your av--nudity is better than a disembodied cock. Anything is better than the scrotum close-up av that someone had up a few months ago.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Which was in relation to our interaction on the forum as well as really, really funny.

Humour wins for me, every time.

I am pretty damned hilarious.

All I can say is think of your PMs carefully... They can bring you to meet a person who is really special. I've sent one PM that has literally changed my life.

 

[gagginforit]

I am pretty damned hilarious.

All I can say is think of your PMs carefully... They can bring you to meet a person who is really special. I've sent one PM that has literally changed my life.

That's awesome. It's nice to know it can happen.

 

[gagginforit]

Thanks for that geekgirl. If I ever PM anyone I'll certainly keep that in mind.

Can I ask on a slightly related note, does it matter what the guy's name is? Like my name for instance. Would it put you off, or would you take it as a joke? Mine was an alt I used in the gay threads, I wanted to keep that separate. But over the years the need to separate the two sides of my personality has changed and I sort of just stuck with this one. But I'm worried it gives people the wrong idea about me. What do you think?

Thanks everyone. Tons of good advice.

 

[gagginforit]

And if you understand how desperately most all women want to be pursued and possessed and obsessed over, then you can cater to that longing, and have damn near any woman you want.[/I]

Even if you're clever or skilled enough to do that will it do more than just get your foot in the door? If she doesn't like you, if you don't tick her boxes, she's not going to like you in the long run? Would you agree?

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

None of what I've read on this thread resonates with my female encounters, so I conclude that I have an uncommon skill for picking up women or my dum luck is so incredible I oughta be gambling. I truly rolled my eyes at what I read.

Females want two kinds of men: Rhett Butler to date and sleep with, then Ashley Wilkes for prosperity and security and fidelity and comfort for her family. Then Rhett Butler again when the hormones come calling. Jekyll and Hyde.

Don't try and figger her out, don't do her math, leave her alone till she's interested and initiates contact. Then be attentive and act interested with a hint of enchantment. If she acts coy toss her back as a player.

 

[eric60red]

Can't speak for all women. But this is me for sure. If I find anything interesting about a poster, I will PM them letting them know that and why I find them interesting.

I won't beat around the bush either.

Bottomline, you gotta post so women get a sense of who you are.

Thats what I like a woman who can be honest.

 

[Mercury_Maniac]

I actually liked your av--nudity is better than a disembodied cock. Anything is better than the scrotum close-up av that someone had up a few months ago.

thanks i'll see if i can come up with something else, but it takes awhile to find a good pic i don't really have a whole lot to look at being a skinny guy average height.

 

[ThisIsHero]

This has been one if the most interesting posts I've read. I'm in concurrence with most things said here. I do believe that women do look for different types of guys at different times, but us guys do the same thing. I think if you're just yourself you'll get more pms. *shrugs*Works for me.

 

[rosie1972uk]

Things I love / things not so hot

I never get cross or mad with people who pm me without interaction on the threads (if I like their content which 95% of the time I do). I'm just glad that they contact me full stop. Doesn't bother me like a lot here.

Love:
Telling me information about you.. where you're from, what you are into
Complimenting me on my pictures
A cheeky sense of humour - goes a long way
Originality - by this I mean being yourself

Hate:
Impersonal pm's.... we all know the ones where someone is looking for a woman to chat to and multiple posts the same message.
Over dominant men who think that I should obey them just because that they have pm'd me.
Pm's that just say hi and nothing else
Going straight in for the kill - ie telling me that they want to fuck my breasts without an introduction

I shall edit when I think of more.

 

[rosie1972uk]

Oops sorry

Trying to post a reply to the flower peonie man...... so sweet ! x

 

[poppadog]

I've been trying to dig up my own thoughts on this topic for quite a while. It was buried in an old LiveJournal entry. I found a shortcut to it though finally.

I'm not trying to hijack this thread, I just don't want to create a brand new one that would be a duplicate when I'm just as happy contributing to someone else's instead.

So here are my two cents:


"The Perfect PM" according to Annie.

I've been asked before, what am I looking for in a PM. Essentially, the biggest problem men have online is that they don't know what their words are communicating and so they come across inaccurately. So that's paramount to the issue...be sensitive to the fact that men and women tend to speak different languages. Try your best at translating what you want to communicate into a message that is appealing. I'm sure many women have the same problem, but we're not the ones doing the pursuing, so it matters very little. We don't have to "get it right" in a few sentences because there will always be opportunity for us to demonstrate our personality and uniqueness over the course of several conversations. But a man only has probably one or two tries before he's on the default "no fly" list that all women have.

My first piece of unsolicited advice in making the most of those one or two chances is not to waste them on a thread, but instead to seek out individual women and send a thoughtful PM to her. Then you're almost guaranteed at least a few seconds of her undivided attention as she considers what you've written. You're not guaranteed that she'll even open your thread if you go that route. Also, there is more of a drive in some women to be cordial enough to send a reply, especially if you've made yourself stand out in the slightest. The bar is set pretty low at Lit, it shouldn't be difficult to grab someone's attention if you put in any amount of reasonable effort.

After deciding to send a PM, the hard part is composing a letter that will be both unique and attractive to the recipient. I think every PM should be different, but that first-time letters should all follow roughly the same basic formula, which I've sort of made up here based on the way I perceive my own expectations to be for such a letter.

I think I do very well with men online because we communicate similarly. (But apparently I have some luck with women as well....I must be bilingual! LOL) When talking with men, I speak directly using straightforward language and clear, precise thoughts, because that's how they talk and think, and it's what makes sense to them. Female recipients need a more restrained version of the same language. You almost have to come at them from a sneaky angle. You can't usually just say "here it is.... this is what I want from you." You have to let it be her idea. She needs to see the benefit for herself before she'll respond. And if you understand how desperately most all women want to be pursued and possessed and obsessed over, then you can cater to that longing, and have damn near any woman you want. So with that in mind, here is my roughly constructed formula for creating PMs, which I've broken up into three sections, each of which should probably be a short paragraph in the PM:

1) Compliments/Flattery/Attraction
2) Intention/Purpose/Desire
3) Incentive/Persuasion/Seduction

I'm going to talk in the first person sense now, as if I'm the recipient of the PM. This is, after all, my formula for the perfect PM. *grin*

The first paragraph should be used to explain why I find a letter from you in my Inbox. Why me? How did you notice me, and what about that encounter made you write to me? Unless you have a complaint you want to make about me, this should obviously be a time to either compliment something I said that you've read, or to point out desires we have in common with one another that make you attracted to me. There must be attraction. I can't just be a case-study to you. You absolutely must demonstrate some sexual desire for me, or I'll never respond, at least not with sexual interest for you.

Example:

Hello Hunny, my name is xxxx. I've seen your posts from time to time and I must say that I always smile when I see your lovely avatar, as I very much look forward to reading your thoughts on any topic. You're thoughtful and erotic, and you clearly have a firm grasp on much of what excites you and what pleases you. This makes me want to know more about you, especially those things which you do not share in the main forum. I share in some of your desires, and the thought of exploring even deeper with you arouses me greatly.

The second paragraph is for honesty. I know you want something, so tell me what it is. Don't be aggressively direct about it, but don't try to hide it either. Whether you're looking for a cybering partner, or someone to boss around on camera, it's very important (at least to me) that you quickly get to the point so that I can determine matters of compatibility. If you're looking for something that I will literally never be interested in, it will suck to make that discovery after twelve PMs. Even if you're flexible and only have a vague goal in mind, go ahead and say it. I won't know which direction to move toward if I don't know what you want from me. And everybody knows that the girl is always in control of moving from one level of interaction to another. It's possible to let this step wait until the second PM, but I myself prefer knowing in advance what a man is after.

Example:

I'm looking for someone sexual, intelligent and playful to spend some of my free time with, and you seem like exactly that kind of girl. I would love to share a few PMs, get to know one another by chatting, and then eventually share some sexually-charged moments together, pleasuring one another and using the knowledge we've learned while building a delicious tension. I also enjoy talking on the phone and would love to try that if it's something you're comfortable with. Any or all of the above activities are available for your consideration if I have piqued your interest.

Lastly.... make me want you. Seduce me. And go hard or go home. Don't make me wonder if you're interested in my pleasure or not. You either are or you aren't. The only men I'd expect to find in the "aren't" category would be Doms of course, but even Doms most frequently want pleasure from their partners. Also, don't be cheesy. Not in the first PM. And not in the second one either, unless you can really pull it off in a clever way. Being a cheeseball is cute, but not sexy. There is no faster way to land yourself in the friend zone. The last thing I would add here is that a man should spend more time and energy on emotional and psychological pleasure than on a non-existent physical pleasure. Any real, true physical pleasure that a woman is going to feel for you will happen only after you've won her heart or her mind or both. Lengthy narratives that describe physical encounters have no effect whatsoever unless I already have a good taste of you, which can't be accomplished in one letter.

Example:

I look forward to learning your desires. I believe I can tempt you with my own lusts, seducing you slowly and arousing your need while simultaneously satisfying it. Your pleasure will be the catalyst for mine, and I'll do everything I can to make it happen as often as possible. I will reach through the distance and make your physical body ache for release, and then I'll help you achieve it. Nothing stimulates me more than spending time with a sexy creature like yourself.

This is fantastic advise Hunnyblonde, however did anyone else laugh at the Tank Girl quote " Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry shit continues just shoot me now please." at the end of the post and think that this wasn't quite the pm's that it encouraged??

Must stress I am not laughing at Hunnyblonde AT ALL just the coincidence!

Look it's all quite difficult really but I'm with poster earlier who said, just be honest. If someone doesn't float yer boat - tell them!

If they continue to pm you - block them and get on with it. If you have a pm address you will get pm's.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

This has been one if the most interesting posts I've read. I'm in concurrence with most things said here. I do believe that women do look for different types of guys at different times, but us guys do the same thing. I think if you're just yourself you'll get more pms. *shrugs*Works for me.

No one likes bait and switch, and 99% of internet social interactions are bait & switch.