How to get girlfriend adventurous?

[deskee]

A few years ago my girlfriend was pretty forward in bed. She often told me she wanted to tie me up and that she even planned to buy some handcuffs.

Time went bye and nothing happened. We just had the same old sex over and over. I then bought her some sexy gifts. A blindfold, a vibrator and of course the handcuffs. I introduced them successfully and we had some fun.

Since then she has only used the cuffs on me one time, and that time I asked her to which is not as fun as if she would be the one bringing them out.

We have sex but its like on routine. What happened with her earlier style and why wont she initiate tying me up like before. On top of this she says that she gets turned of when I tell her I liked her a bit aggressive.

I have tried many times to initiate different things we can do out of the routine, and its not just for sex. I have often given her foot massages, bubble baths, full body massages etc...

How can I get her to be adventurous again?

 

[Bobmi357]

How can I get her to be adventurous again?

Sit her down and in a very non-confrontational way, ask her. Tell her how you feel without making it seem like you are blaming her for anything. Explain your position and then give her some time to formulate her thoughts.

Don't do this in the bedroom. And don't start a fight. If she takes it as a complaint, back off and refuse to discuss the topic until she is willing to talk like an adult.

And if none of this works, get her passing out drunk, paint a clown face on her and strip her naked. Take one photo and make it your desktop background image. When she comes to, spin this yarn about her dancing naked on the roof and threatening to masturbate for the local SWAT team. Then say, "I wanted you to be more adventurous, but this was a bit much, can we tone it down a bit?"

JUST KIDDING!!!!

 

[M's girl]

A few years ago my girlfriend was pretty forward in bed. She often told me she wanted to tie me up and that she even planned to buy some handcuffs.

So she liked the idea; it was a fantasy, but we all know fantasies often are far better left a fantasy....

You say you bought the handcuffs and you two experimented a bit... she seemed to like it, but......

On top of this she says that she gets turned of when I tell her I liked her a bit aggressive.

Now..... how would you feel if she asked you to do something that turned you off?

It's just not her thing, or so it turned out. In her fantasy the whole scenario was probably much different than how you played it out. You were probably too rough for her liking. I could do the handcuffs but I would not want the rough stuff either and I've noticed men often don't understand another combination other than cuffs means hardplay.

Bobmi made a good and valid point: talk to her. The only way you can get her to try this one more time is doing it her way and see if you both like that. If not: find other things that please you both but it's no fun if one of you gets turned off by anything they (feel like they) have to do....

 

[SweetErika]

A few years ago my girlfriend was pretty forward in bed. She often told me she wanted to tie me up and that she even planned to buy some handcuffs.

Time went bye and nothing happened. We just had the same old sex over and over. I then bought her some sexy gifts. A blindfold, a vibrator and of course the handcuffs. I introduced them successfully and we had some fun.

Since then she has only used the cuffs on me one time, and that time I asked her to which is not as fun as if she would be the one bringing them out.

We have sex but its like on routine. What happened with her earlier style and why wont she initiate tying me up like before. On top of this she says that she gets turned of when I tell her I liked her a bit aggressive.

I have tried many times to initiate different things we can do out of the routine, and its not just for sex. I have often given her foot massages, bubble baths, full body massages etc...

How can I get her to be adventurous again?

In addition to what the others have said, she may be turned off by you being in a submissive role, or having to take a dominant role. She may have thought it'd be fun to try, but then found out it's a lot of work to have to do just about everything to/for the person who's tied up.

Have you ever asked if SHE has any fantasies that involve her being handcuffed, blindfolded, teased, pleasured, being taken more forcefully, or similar?

Those are just some ideas I've heard from people here in the past, though. The only way you're going to find out is to ask her why it was a turnoff, or what specifically she didn't enjoy about the scenario, and what kinds of things she'd be interested in trying in the future.

Did she go for the massages and such?

Is your real complaint that she won't usually do new things, or that she usually doesn't initiate new things? Because those are two different issues in my book.

And you also may want to take a look at how your relationship has changed since she became less "adventurous" and if there's anything that's been going on in the relationship or her life (tension, resentment, job/school/family stress, health problems, etc.) that might be a barrier to breaking out of the routine.

 

[Bobmi357]

In addition to what the others have said, she may be turned off by you being in a submissive role, or having to take a dominant role. She may have thought it'd be fun to try, but then found out it's a lot of work to have to do just about everything to/for the person who's tied up.

Perhaps he should provide more definition to what he means by aggressive. I took it to mean more active in their love making. My exwife used to lay there like a unresponsive lump, hell there were times I seriously considered performing CPR on her.

There is more active in love making, and there is dominant/submissive roles, and they are two very different things.

Could she be turned off by his aggressive comment, taking it for being more dominant in the love making when he meant it differently? Who knows. We lack sufficient data to make a judgment.

The last two years of my first marriage I gave up on sex with the wife. It wasn't love making, hell it wasn't even sex, it was just using her as a fancy way of jerking off. There is nothing worse than a comatose partner.

And I still say my clown face idea is worth consideration... NOT.

-Bob

 

[M's girl]

Definitions..... I know that I have had some trouble in the past making known what I wanted. You see.... when we think about certain acts we have it all in our heads/minds how we want it. The tricky thing then is to explain what it is exactly that we want.

I like being a little submissive but any hint at violence or degradation (spelled right? Too lazy to look it up ) turns me off and sometimes even upsets me. It must be done in a loving way. I want to and sometimes even need to feel that my man wants me so bad he almost can't restrain himself and a little roughness is very sexy then.

If he is being rough just for 'the game' and takes it too far I'm put off. I have tried to accept it and play along but the chemicals in my brain won't cooperate. It's a shame, because in fact sometimes some scenario's sound quite good (on paper).

It's a funny thing.... how the mind works.

 

[human_male]

She probably wasn't adventurous at all. She just said that to make herself seem more appealing to you. Now she doesn't feel the need to anymore.

Women also seem to like the idea of being kinky and adventurous but often times they actually aren't. Someone says she's really kinky and you ask her specifics and it's "Eww no, I don't do that... No I don't like that... Gross, no I don't do that...". I don't know why, but they like to think of themselves as being horny and kinky when really they're boring and hum-drum. As in your case.

You can find more of my views on this at my website cynicaldumbfuck.com

 

[M's girl]

Human Male: Women also seem to like the idea of being kinky and adventurous but often times they actually aren't. Someone says she's really kinky and you ask her specifics and it's "Eww no, I don't do that... No I don't like that... Gross, no I don't do that...". I don't know why, but they like to think of themselves as being horny and kinky when really they're boring and hum-drum.

Again.... it's definitions. So you define kinky then? Tell me, what is that exactly, and then tell me why thát should be the standard that everyone should refer to?

 

[deskee]

Thanks all of you for your replies. I will probably talk to her in some way when I have confidence enough.

To M's Girl:s first reply: We were never rough or violent, just teasing and playing. And I didnt said she was the one tied up, It was me. So she couldnt get harmed by that either.


And when I wrote "aggresive" I didnt really mean that. It was a bad definition, maybe I should have wrote that she take more initiative at that time and come up with ideas. Which she does now adays.

 

[M's girl]

OK, cleared up. Still.... I guess the answer remains sort of the same. If you want to work this out together you need to talk. Tell each other what you like, know and expect. Tell each other what your fantasies are but also include if/that you know some fantasies are just fantasies and you don't need to play them out.

M and me, we like the idea of threesomes but we will probably (or most likely) never do them. I know for myself I could never handle the emotional issues involved because no matter how much I like sex for the sex that it is: I can (and want to) only do that to and with someone I love or am very much attracted to; which would put danger to our relationship.

M thought for the longest time he could set his feelings/emotions aside but the longer I've known him and seen him react to other situations I don't think he could handle his emotions (let alone mine) and I think he realises that too now. But as a fantasy it's still on the top of our list because in theory it's hot as hell.

My point is: if you want to build a great (sexual) relationship with each other you need to know. Everything. And all you can do to get to know is talk.

Finding the courage? Well..... make it fun. We always talked but we had our best talks about sex when we decided to do regular talks which we called the "kiss and tell" sessions. We would dim the lights, pull open a bottle of bubbles and started kissing and telling and asking and showing. The aim was NOT sex, although many times we had sex in the end because the talks were hot. But we started out talking about it in a matter of fact way. "When you do this to me, this is how it feels" and "I like it when you do this" [and I would show him or take his hand and lead him] .... things like that.

It works... and it's fun!

 

[Mr.G]

Maybe to sum up what a few have said or hinted at; HOW adventurous ARE YOU?? If you are changing things all the time, inventing new positions, scenes, using fruit and syrups, smakin her butt now and then other stuff that shows some imagination and LUST she may feel less inhibited and a tad more turned on that you're trying so hard.

Failing that I'd go with the "get 'er so drunk she gets nekkid and does stuff that even CNN won't show" - kind of subtle blackmail. Be careful what you wish for tho ...

 

[M's girl]

Maybe to sum up what a few have said or hinted at; HOW adventurous ARE YOU?? If you are changing things all the time, inventing new positions, scenes, using fruit and syrups, smakin her butt now and then other stuff that shows some imagination and LUST she may feel less inhibited and a tad more turned on that you're trying so hard.

It's funny, because I was just thinking about that (while ironing - go figure). Of all the boyfriends I have been with no one ever really complained but they always had something to say about how I could spice things up for them even more. Cool. I'm all for that, so most of the time I would jump right in and share how we (...) could make things even hotter if he would do x in return.

Often enough that would just about silence them and nothing would happen. I always wondered about that. I am a very sexual person and have always come up with plenty ideas and suggestions. But I want something in return too because, let's face it.... not all men know what they are doing to women really

I keep saying, to this day, they (men) watch too much porn (nothing wrong with that) but then take that as the standard. In porn, men don't make too much effort most of the time and all the womens efforts are concentrated on pleasing the man. I mean.... what is that... when there are two or more women pleasing one man and no one is pleasing the girls?

Luckily I found some porn that does better but unless most men keep watching the average American crap there is not much hope...

 

[Bobmi357]

Again.... it's definitions. So you define kinky then? Tell me, what is that exactly, and then tell me why thát should be the standard that everyone should refer to?

Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using a rubber chicken.

 

[human_male]

I hope it works out for you.

 

[deskee]

Actually I have been pretty adventurous myself and lots of times tries to come up with new ideas. Sometimes by myself and sometimes I read it on a forum like this one. I have done so much things I dont even have room to put them out here and she have given me great respons to my ideas. But I missed out initiative and new ideas from her and she never tells me what she really want or what her fantasies are any more.

 

[PoeticMusings53]

I prefer ultimatums:

You fuck a girl with a strapon while I watch, or find a new boyfriend.

 

[sugarishere]

I want to know why you need confidence to talk to someone who you care about and who cares about you?
"I will probably talk to her in some way when I have confidence enough."

If you can fuck her but not talk to her about feelings and emotions, perhaps you could focus on that part of your relationship and the two of you can reach new levels of intamacy then the two of you, together will ROCK the world.... just a thought???

BTW talking about feelings + emotions are difficult for me too.

 

[stargazer105]

try somewhere different

instead of something different.... the unexpected & thrilll of almost getting caught is enticing to say the least... room next to her parents, woods on a busy road , under umbrella on a beach ..

 

[dantefontana]

I'd like to echo what M's Girl and the always-perceptive Sweet Erika have to say namely, that it would be a good idea to make a special time for the two of you to openly discuss your feelings about your sex life - this should be a time when neither of you are tired or distracted, and when it is understood that the discussion is not a negotiation for an imminent sexual encounter.

Have you ever asked her how she feels looking back at these more adventurous lovemaking sessions? Does she find them exciting, or does thinking about them make her feel frightened or ashamed? Has something changed in some other aspect of your relationship which makes her feel less safe or that she has less trust? Trust is the key to pushing a couple's sexual boundaries.

I know some of the folks on How-To like to deflate the serious tone of some of the discussion here with humor and smart assery, but the joking references to alcohol are way off base as serious advice. Being drunk or high is no state in which to *introduce* erotic exploration. Sure, it's fun to enjoy a lightheaded lighthearted kinky roll in the hay with your sweetie pie, but any stuff couples try in this altered state should probably have been discussed beforehand in a more sober state of mind.

And I was also glad that M's girl mentioned pornography. How does she feel about the pornography that you consume? Even couples who enjoy porn together can find one partner's use of it outside of shared time a source of anxiety and discomfort. And when the porn enthusiast brings ideas from videos and websites into the bedroom, this can be very threatening and must be conducted with great sensitivity.

Finally, no one can or should ever try to "get" their partner to be more adventurous. It is a shared journey, and at the risk of sounding overly sexist or feminist or both, the path this journey takes for a heterosexual couple should always be about the woman's needs, safety, and comfort. Women have a much greater capacity for erotic response than men, and women bear a disproportionate amount of the negative consequences (physical, emotional, and social) for failed or ill-advised sexual acting out.

Best of luck to the both of you. It's an amazing journey to share sexuality with a partner over a long period of time!