How to handle a situation

[squidlips]

Hello fellow conisours of all things erotic in literature



At present I have found myself in a situation with a girl (I am male) that I do not know how to handle, so I am looking for advice.


I work with this girl. She has been at my work for 3 years but I only realy met her 5 months ago at a staff party. We hit it off instantly, with similar love of music, movies, food, travel etc...

It was very flirty straight away and we were never realy friends, moreso it was never realy plutonic.

She then left for a few weeks to visit family but we kept in contact over msn. Things got very flirty and we got to know each other fairly well.

When she came back I asked her out on a date, normal movies dinner routine and we kissed. A few dates followed and eventually I asked her out, as in a couple.



Skip 2 months 13 days, a few little problems, and alot of time together she broke up with me. Her family has had alot of issues with abuse, rape and other things of that nature, and she was a victim of verbal abuse all her life. She has an extremely low self esteem and although she is quite sexualy charged she said she felt dirty, and obligated after any encounters.

Her reasoning was that she thoought we would be better just as freinds, but I have gotten to know her well enough that she is just pushing me away because we have gotten so close, and her family has conditioned her to do so.


I love this girl, and crazy as it might seem I could see myself spending the rest of my life with her, but I need to know what I can do, or how I can handle the situation to make her see dating as a viable option again.



Any help?

 

[Ravin the Poet]

I suggest becoming the friend she wants. And show her your not going to abuse her at all, and how much you care. It's not going to be a quick thing and will take a good amount of time. But my gold rule is...if it's something you believe in, then it's worth the fight and worth the time.


Good luck. And remember, if you think she is the one, don't let her get away. You already know what you have to do. I think you came here for reassurance. JUst do what your heart tells you.

Ravin

 

[EJFan]

I suggest becoming the friend she wants. And show her your not going to abuse her at all, and how much you care. It's not going to be a quick thing and will take a good amount of time. But my gold rule is...if it's something you believe in, then it's worth the fight and worth the time.


Good luck. And remember, if you think she is the one, don't let her get away. You already know what you have to do. I think you came here for reassurance. JUst do what your heart tells you.

Ravin

this is wonderful advice. i was friends with a woman for a number of years before we got together as a couple and it was fantastic when we did.

all in all, i think some of the best relationships come from solid friendships. keep both of your best interests in mind and let us know how things move forward.

best of luck!!!!!

 

[SweetErika]

this is wonderful advice. i was friends with a woman for a number of years before we got together as a couple and it was fantastic when we did.

all in all, i think some of the best relationships come from solid friendships. keep both of your best interests in mind and let us know how things move forward.

best of luck!!!!!

I agree. Has she had a lot of therapy to deal with her past? You certainly can't force her to go or be pushy, but perhaps through friendship you can encourage her to take care of herself. Once she does that, she may be more willing and able to have a relationship with you.

Make sure you're genuine when you tell her you just want to be friends, and let her know that she's in control of the relationship because you respect her boundaries.

 

[squidlips]

Thanks for the advice ravin, its always good to hear someone else comform your line of thinking.

I would never dream of being pushy, and as hard as it was to swallow my pride and accept the fact that I wouldn't mind being dropped and picked back up by this woman I would never do anything to harm the relationship.


Has anyone had a similar experience? A relationship followed by a freindhip? If so.. what were to outcomes and how did it progress?

 

[Mamid]

sometimes friends make the best body buddies - sex without the mindgames if you know what I mean.

It sounds like she needs a rock to hold onto as she tries to escape the stormy seas of her childhood. Be the rock only if you think you can.

My rock is now my partner and we've since had two gorgeous children.

 

[watergirl]

well...

This is not quite the same situation, but -

I worked with a guy a couple years ago and we got to be great flirty crazy silly buddies pretty fast. I had a thing for him, we had some great sex a few times, but he has a long sob story about how his ex cheated on him & broke his heart, & he's a bitter broken man. I think some of it is for real, and some of it is just a line. He does have a pattern for getting to be great friends with girls, getting laid, then pushing them away with excuses like "you live too far away," "she's allergic to my cats," etc.

I hate to be the downer in this thread. It sounds like you two had a wonderful thing for a brief while, and I hope you can stay her friend. The dude & I still are best friends, and it's cool, but it irks me when I see him pulling the same stunt on other chicks from time to time. The whole poor me thing, I'll never trust again, it sucks women in. They want to be the one who proves him wrong about the evil of womankind.

So, yes, I hope that you are able to be her friend & rebuild the romantic/sexual relationship, but she may have other reasons for pushing you away, & this is her safety blanket cover story - true, but overused.

I'm coming off like a heartless wench & I'm sorry. Good luck.

 

[squidlips]

heartless wench? bah.. humbug

Fairly different situation, she has only had a few (countable on one hand) boyfriends previously, and they still didn't do much for the trust (cheating etc).



At present we still go out in the same circle and converse politely, and talk over msn but I fear that if I ask her out to lunch, or to my apartment then she will think that I am trying to make 'moves' instead of just being a friend.

Personally I have no problem with the friendship thing for as long as she needs but I want to be a friends that is there for her and that spends alot of time together.

Thank for the input so far everyone, Lit has some kind souls.

 

[SweetErika]

At present we still go out in the same circle and converse politely, and talk over msn but I fear that if I ask her out to lunch, or to my apartment then she will think that I am trying to make 'moves' instead of just being a friend.

Personally I have no problem with the friendship thing for as long as she needs but I want to be a friends that is there for her and that spends alot of time together.

Thank for the input so far everyone, Lit has some kind souls.

That's why you might have to tell her explicitly that you're ready to be platonic and want to spend time together as platonic friends.

 

[Bobmi357]

Its never easy dealing with someone who's been the victim of abuse, either mentally or physically.

From what you state, I'd say make it plain to her that would really like to remain good friends with her and leave it at that. Offer to take her to public places, parks, pubs, malls etc. Be there as a friend and be supportive. HOWEVER, on one aspect be very firm. When she puts herself down, correct her, when you see her doing something to reinforce her bad self image, tell her to stop it.

When you've grown up in an environment where you've been continually put down, called fat or stupid or ugly or all of the above and no one is around to contradict it, you start to believe it. You not only start to believe it, but you adopt behavior which reinforces that opinion which you have been forced into. What she needs most of all besides a supportive friend, is some positive reinforcement of a better self image. Its not going to happen overnight and may never happen at all without professional intervention. But until you start, it will probably never happen at all. You can't rebuild someone's self image, but you can start eroding their opinion of themselves. If you cast enough doubt on how she perceives herself, she may start to form a better, not so harsh opinion of herself.

So by all means, be her friend, be her rock to cling to, but be clear in your own mind, she has issues you CAN help her with and issues you CAN'T help her with. Go for the small victories and help her as much as she'll let you.

 

[squidlips]

Heys guys


It's over for good now. We had a big d&m and it turns out that because we were similar and I was always there for her she confused her friendship for liking me.

I can accept that, and she is happier now than I have ever seen her before... so in that respect I am happy as well but...



How exactly do you deal with finding out that the woman that you beleive to be perfect, have fallen completely in love with and would die for want to 'just be friends'?

Its funny, more than two decades of my life I can be totally detached romantically and all it takes is one person to turn me into a crying, quivering mess.

 

[Bobmi357]

How exactly do you deal with finding out that the woman that you beleive to be perfect, have fallen completely in love with and would die for want to 'just be friends'?

How do you cope? You just do. You continue your regular routine, try to keep busy and remember she is not the only female in the world.

You really have two choices, you can wallow in your misery, or you can get up and get out, look around and find the world is filled with people that are soft in all the right places. I'm not saying that its going to be easy, or you should jump back in dating right away. You'll need some time to adjust, and get used to the idea that you've been given the female version of the coupe de main (a bullet to the head). That old line about being "just friends" works for some people. But for a majority of people it really doesn't. The more you try to be her "friend" at this point, the more it will hurt you. Cut her off. Unless she calls on you, leave her alone and go do something to keep yourself busy and your mind off her.

The line about wanting to be "just friends" along with the other classic "I like you like a brother" must be taught to women in a special class they pull them all into at an early age. Its that, or its instinctual.

 

[squidlips]

Thank you all for your support, its comforting to know that complete strangers can be so insightful and sympathetic.

Wallowing in misery definitely dosn't sound to pleasent.


I wish I could just foget I ever met her and go back to normal dating... I even tried it just dosn't feel right, and I'm always distracted with other women.

Time is the best/only band aid in this case...


So glad I found lit and the kind souls within, having few people to lean on in real life folks like Bobmi357, watergirl, SweetErika, Mamid, EJFan and Ravin the Poet make dealing with this situation alot easier.



Merry christmas everyone, and a happy new year.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

Thank you all for your support, its comforting to know that complete strangers can be so insightful and sympathetic.

Wallowing in misery definitely dosn't sound to pleasent.


I wish I could just foget I ever met her and go back to normal dating... I even tried it just dosn't feel right, and I'm always distracted with other women.

Time is the best/only band aid in this case...


So glad I found lit and the kind souls within, having few people to lean on in real life folks like Bobmi357, watergirl, SweetErika, Mamid, EJFan and Ravin the Poet make dealing with this situation alot easier.



Merry christmas everyone, and a happy new year.

You don't want to forget it, or even wish you never met her. In the end, it will make you a better man. Think of it this way. You were ready to make a full commitment to her and she just wants to be friends. Imagine what it will be like when you find someone who wants the same as you do. You'll be more prepaired and better off.

Never say you want to forget something or wish it didn't happen. It's not only one of those life lessons, but it makes you a better person in the end.

Merry Christmas

Ravin

 

[SweetErika]

I agree with Bobmi and Ravin. Remember there are many, many people who are perfect for you, and don't doubt you'll meet and fall in love with another. Enjoy meeting different people, and happy holidays!

 

[boston_bbw]

HOWEVER, on one aspect be very firm. When she puts herself down, correct her, when you see her doing something to reinforce her bad self image, tell her to stop it.

Bobmi357 is so right about this. And half the time the person putting themself down has come to do it so automatically they don't even realize it. I have recenly been made aware of my tendancy to do this and make jokes when given a compliment by a good friend. He calls me on it every time and won't put up with up. Has even hung up the phone saying "when your done beating yourself up call me back" CLICK . I must say I am now more aware of it and unlearning this behavior.. it really has started to effect my self esteem for the better.

 

[Roscollo]

If you can be friends then that's perfect. Forget about changing or "saving" her. These are self-indulgent fantasies that never work. She has problems with relationships, and she always will....until she wants to change. If this happens then you will be there to help and then it may be possible to get back together (very slowly).

 

[Winemaster]

Agree with majority

I would have to agree with the majority...you can't force anyone into anything. So, be a friend and do some things for yourself...she has to overcome some of her past and see you as the way "she" wants - not the way you want....and then that may blossom into something - if not...you did your deed to humanity!
Good Luck!

 

[nycphoto]

What you do depends on how old you are. If you are under 27-30, run away. Girls with emotional baggage are not worth the effort to get sexually involved with. You have to know who you are before you can handle someone who has had such a hard life. If not you are looking at a world of confusion.
If you want to hook up with a girl that you will have a good relationship with find someone else.
If you are old enough to know yourself and you want to help her do so and understand that there may never be a good way to help her unless your are a trained professional. And even then it would have to be objective.
It sounds like she needs a friend, so be that. Don't take it any further because she most certainly will confuse sex for love and inadvertently lead you on.
So if you care for her be her friend and don't have sex with her. At least not until she gets professional help and a few years of it.
If you just want to get laid, leave her alone!

 

[SlickTony]

The line about wanting to be "just friends" along with the other classic "I like you like a brother" must be taught to women in a special class they pull them all into at an early age. Its that, or its instinctual.

Oh, yeah, like guys don't use the same line. When they say they want to be "just friends," it means they want to date other chicks, but they also want you to be around just in case they're feeling lonely or horny, don't have anyone else lined up, or don't feel like cooking for themselves.