How to make her feel comfortable

[clashman1]

I realize Im a newbie here but hopefully some of you will look past that and help me out. Im glad I found this forum and look forward to becoming active here. Well here is my situation I am in my early 20s and so is my girlfriend. We have been together 2 and a half years now. We have not had sex and she wants to wait till marriage for it. I am totally fine with this and I understand this although if she wanted to have sex I definately wouldnt put up a fight. ha. Anyway we kiss and make out she lifts up her shirt and lets me kiss her breast and suck her nipples but then pulls her shirt back down. She will pull her pants down in back so I can grab her butt while she is on top of me dry humping me. And she will jerk me off with her hand. She lets me finger her but ONLY through her clothes. It seems like it really pleases her when I do this even if it is through her clothes. But she never gets off from it! And a few times I start to reach down her pants to actually touch her and at first she doesnt say anything but when I start moving closer to her vagina she just says "stop" and I always listen to her because I am all about making her happy. She has even let me lick down there but only on top of her pants. I love the way her juices taste even if it is just through her pants. I have told you all of this just to say I really want to drive her crazy! I want to make her cum and I know I can if she would just let me really finger her. Im not asking her to have sex with me just a little foreplay Do you all think I should just gently move my hand down her pants and start fingering her next time? I was even thinking about the next time it happens and she says "stop" to say something to her like "Please hunny just once I just want to feel how wet you really are. Ill do it really quick and if you dont like it Ill stop." Pretty much beg her to let me touch her and let her know how much I really want to. Maybe thats a horrible idea I dont know. I mean she touches mine when she jerks me off why cant I touch hers? ha. just kidding. I really just want to be able to get her off! I really want her to be satisfied instead of her getting all hot and wet when Im doing it through her close and then not finishing. I feel like she wants things to go farther even though shes not saying it. All she really ever says is that she want to wait till marriage to have sex. I am not a virgin and neither is she. Although she has only had sex one time and that was not a good experience it was when she was drunk. So I hope you all can give me some good advice just be honest with me if Im being stupid about this. Maybe you can give me some tips. Maybe some of you have some ideas on what I can do to please her more with the current situation. Also something else I noticed is a few times I have taken her hand and stuck it down her pants and then took my hand on top of her pants and just kind of moved her hand making her finger herself. That just drives me crazy though and makes me want to be able to do it! Thank you all for your help in advance Im sure I will get some interesting thoughts on this.

 

[Cathleen]

I realize Im a newbie here but hopefully some of you will look past that and help me out. Im glad I found this forum and look forward to becoming active here.

Well here is my situation I am in my early 20s and so is my girlfriend. We have been together 2 and a half years now. We have not had sex and she wants to wait till marriage for it. I am totally fine with this and I understand this although if she wanted to have sex I definately wouldnt put up a fight. ha.

Anyway we kiss and make out she lifts up her shirt and lets me kiss her breast and suck her nipples but then pulls her shirt back down. She will pull her pants down in back so I can grab her butt while she is on top of me dry humping me. And she will jerk me off with her hand. She lets me finger her but ONLY through her clothes.

It seems like it really pleases her when I do this even if it is through her clothes. But she never gets off from it! And a few times I start to reach down her pants to actually touch her and at first she doesnt say anything but when I start moving closer to her vagina she just says "stop" and I always listen to her because I am all about making her happy. She has even let me lick down there but only on top of her pants. I love the way her juices taste even if it is just through her pants.

I have told you all of this just to say I really want to drive her crazy! I want to make her cum and I know I can if she would just let me really finger her. Im not asking her to have sex with me just a little foreplay

Do you all think I should just gently move my hand down her pants and start fingering her next time? I was even thinking about the next time it happens and she says "stop" to say something to her like "Please hunny just once I just want to feel how wet you really are. Ill do it really quick and if you dont like it Ill stop." Pretty much beg her to let me touch her and let her know how much I really want to. Maybe thats a horrible idea I dont know. I mean she touches mine when she jerks me off why cant I touch hers? ha. just kidding.

I really just want to be able to get her off! I really want her to be satisfied instead of her getting all hot and wet when Im doing it through her close and then not finishing. I feel like she wants things to go farther even though shes not saying it. All she really ever says is that she want to wait till marriage to have sex. I am not a virgin and neither is she. Although she has only had sex one time and that was not a good experience it was when she was drunk.

So I hope you all can give me some good advice just be honest with me if Im being stupid about this. Maybe you can give me some tips. Maybe some of you have some ideas on what I can do to please her more with the current situation.

Also something else I noticed is a few times I have taken her hand and stuck it down her pants and then took my hand on top of her pants and just kind of moved her hand making her finger herself. That just drives me crazy though and makes me want to be able to do it! Thank you all for your help in advance Im sure I will get some interesting thoughts on this.

I had to break this up to read it. I'll think on it a while.

Welcome to Lit (and please remember paragraphs are our friends )

 

[clashman1]

yeah sorry about that I will remember that next time.

 

[KennyL]

Clash,

I'm a big fan of, "When its time, you'll know". I waited until I was with my (now, wife) before we made love. We tried so damned hard to wait until marriage, but we had an 11 month engagement and moved in together after 2 months...so...yeah, talk about temptation (we did manage to stay our desires for the last 30 days before the wedding).


I wouldn't beg...it might lead to guilt on her part. I know one of the biggest things with us trying to wait was if the panties came off (or anything went in them from me...finger...whatever...) it was INCREDIBLY hard to calm down and stop.

One thing that helped us was mutual masturbation. It is quite an enjoyable experience in my opinion, and, can help allieviate some frustration. It also lets the both of you explore each other as you watch each other climax. Try suggesting something when she begins to jerk you off...especially if you're laying next to her...tell her you want to return the favor while she does it. And for goodness sakes...if you're hot and heavy: keep the panties / pants on ...ohhh the temptation


To use some of my wifes words,
"If I take my pants off right now I'm just going to crawl on top of you and (#*$ your brains out...so they have to stay on...."

Hope that helps

 

[witch_baby]

Wow. I find this so interesting.

So when she says sex, she basically means penetration (by fingers, penis, whatever)? Because I consider what you guys are doing to be sex...
Is it that she thinks if she lets you get her off, she'll just kind of let go and want you inside her? Or is this just as far as she feels comfortable going?

I will say this- DON'T push things further. Even if she lets you finger her/go down on her and get her off, she may later regret it and blame you. It could really wreck things between you. This is the kind of thing you need to sit down and discuss in a non-sexual context, so no one feels pressured or does something they later regret. You obviously care a great deal about her and want her to enjoy sex.

Another thing to consider is her previous traumatic sexual experience. If she had sex while drunk, didn't enjoy it and regrets it, there is a lot to talk about.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I would ask how imminent your marriage is and how long this abstinence needs to continue for. If you haven't set a date yet, pushing things a little more and a little more is going to make things so frustrating. You need a light at the end of your tunnel!

If she is happy to finger herself (although I agree with witch_baby in that I find these distinctions a little academic) you could ask her if she will masturbate while you watch and also touch yourself. If she agrees make sure she's out of arms reach, across the room from you if you are determined not to get carried away. This will make her feel safer and more likely to enjoy herself. Discuss this before hand rather than suggesting it once you're down to your underwear.

If she's had a bad experience she may be terrified of sex, seeing it as an act of violence rather than love. A friend of mine was raped when still a virgin and when she did first have a boyfriend his ardent desire for her frightened her. She saw in his passion for her the potential for loss of control and thought that if she let things get too far he would get carried away by lust and penetrate her. She was scared of the act of penetration and could not see as loving because of her rape.

I am not for one minute suggesting that your girlfriend's experience was anything as extreme as this but these things have an effect on people that stays.

Hope you have a great future together

Velvet

 

[INeedLove]

Newbies are cute! (j/k)

My initial thought is that maybe she is uncomfortable with herself sexually and doesn't know how to talk about it. She might think she looks "funny down there." Or, maybe the other person she had sex with made snide comments about her. Clearly she thinks that sexual experience was a mistake. Also, maybe she knows she won't be able to stop herself if her panties come off so she is taking the high road. I assume she is religious?? If so, her beliefs and/or values are deeply ingrained-she might resent being pressured.

In fact, I wouldn't try to pressure her or beg her at all. If she relents in the heat of the moment, and then regrets it later, you'll feel awful. The relationship might fail even. I would try to talk to her about your feelings. Do it when you are cuddling but not being overly sexual. Tell her you'd like to help her orgasm, if she'd consider it. Ask her if it bothers her to not cum. Maybe she is okay with it?

Good luck to both of you.

 

[jerseyman1963]

It sounds like in many ways you two are on the same wavelength about what you want as a couple, and it's just that it's getting hard (no pun intended) for you to wait. You two are lucky to have each other. And she's lucky to have guy who wants to please her on her terms, not just push the limits for his own pleasure regardless of what she wants.

But have you talked about this with her outside of sexual situations? A conversation about this in a non-sexual situation, where there's no immediate pressure to make a decision in the heat of the moment and act on it, might be helpful.

 

[clashman1]

Thank you all very much for all of your help. We are very happy together and plan on getting married even though that may be a few years. I guess I will try to bring up the topic of me fingering her and wanting to please her when we are talking. Maybe it sounds silly to you all and we are totally comfortable talking to each other about things but with this issue Im having a hard time thinking about how I want to bring it up in converstation. Any tips on how to bring it up? Also I have told her in the heat of the moment that I really want her to get off and that it makes me feel bad that she doesnt. But she always tells me its ok.

 

[witch_baby]

It doesn't sound silly at all! I have a friend who I went to high school with, we never discussed sex but the other day I was curious about her stance and whether it had changed (virginity until marriage - she's a Xstian) and she said "Well, we've waited this long. We're not gonna wreck things now."

It's interesting to me where people draw the line, and admirable that they would take the time to think and take a stance on this, stay true to themselves, etc. That said, it's not for everybody (now way is it for me!) and there's nothing wrong with either option. Both have their pluses and minuses.

While I'm sure she's fine with not getting off, she'd most likely love to, and I'm sure you know this. I'm not sure if you've mentioned it, but has she ever had an orgasm at all? Because if she hasn't, does she want to wait until marriage for THAT?

There's no real delicaate way to broach the subject if it doesn't naturally come up. I can't offer any more specific advice than for you to let her know you'd love to see her get off/cum/orgasm becasue you want her to be happy, etc. I think all you can do is leave it, once you've discussed it in a non sexual context.

If she wants to keep things as they are, make it completely clear that if at any time she wants things to change, you are totally happy to do that (more than happy) but completely understand if she doesn't want to (no pressure), and you're fine with waiting. Leave it up to her- the rewards are so much sweeter. Reassure her, she's obviously been through some stuff and it would be a mistake to push things at this point.

 

[SweetErika]

Thank you all very much for all of your help. We are very happy together and plan on getting married even though that may be a few years. I guess I will try to bring up the topic of me fingering her and wanting to please her when we are talking. Maybe it sounds silly to you all and we are totally comfortable talking to each other about things but with this issue Im having a hard time thinking about how I want to bring it up in converstation. Any tips on how to bring it up? Also I have told her in the heat of the moment that I really want her to get off and that it makes me feel bad that she doesnt. But she always tells me its ok.

I understand how uncomfortable it can be to talk about sex, especially when at least one of the participants isn't comfortable with the topic in the first place.

That said, you're going to have to start, and then practice, practice, practice until you're both comfortable conversing. Before you consider marriage -- unless you're keen on greatly increasing your chance of divorce. Marriage is difficult and a ton of work WITHOUT much in the way of sex or communication problems, so you're pretty much doomed starting with a lot of them, and they certainly don't work themselves out on their own. Sorry, but that's the truth!

Perhaps you could share your feelings about the relationship, then say something like, "I especially love how easily we communicate, but am a bit concerned about our lack of communication regarding sex. It's tough for me to talk about, but I firmly believe it's a vital part of a relationship, and am afraid we're going to have problems down the road if we don't start sharing like we do with everything else. I'd like to start practicing now so I can be a better partner, lover and, eventually, husband to you. Will you join and help me in communicating about sex, Honey?"

Then start, even if you two have to write your thoughts down and trade or read off of your papers. TBKahuna has used the game '20 Questions' to get the ball rolling, which seems like a fantastic, non-threatening approach. There are also commercial games that are designed to be fun and informative.

Does she masturbate?

Has she really dealt with/gotten help for her bad experience (though if she was drunk and didn't want it, I'm sorry to say it was rape)?

 

[juicywet21]

Clash: We have not had sex and she wants to wait till marriage for it. I am totally fine with this and I understand this although if she wanted to have sex I definately wouldnt put up a fight. ha.
j.w : Thats great that you're supportive of what she wants. Some guys definitely wouldn't be willing to do that.

COLOR=SlateGray] Clash: I love the way her juices taste even if it is just through her pants. [/COLOR]
j.w.: Tell her that!

Clash: I have told you all of this just to say I really want to drive her crazy! I want to make her cum and I know I can if she would just let me really finger her. Im not asking her to have sex with me just a little foreplay
j.w.: Is it really about her? Because

Clash: Do you all think I should just gently move my hand down her pants and start fingering her next time?
j.w.: absolutely no!

I was even thinking about the next time it happens and she says "stop" to say something to her like "Please hunny just once I just want to feel how wet you really are. Ill do it really quick and if you dont like it Ill stop." Pretty much beg her to let me touch her and let her know how much I really want to. Maybe thats a horrible idea I dont know.
j.w: A very horrible idea.

Clash: I mean she touches mine when she jerks me off why cant I touch hers? ha. just kidding.
j.w.: Hmm... If I were you I probably wouldn't mention that to her. It sounds very manipulative and immature, and you might lose out on hand jobs until you get married.

Clash: I really just want to be able to get her off! I really want her to be satisfied instead of her getting all hot and wet when Im doing it through her close and then not finishing.
j.w.: Does she have any toys? Does she masturbate? Would she be comfortable letting you watch? If you think she wouldnt be offended buy her a vibrator. Wrap it and get another little gift (if shes the flowers type go for it- though I would recomend a new CD she would like or good (not something from a gas station or drug store) chocolates. (Im not trying to patronize you by any means, but some men cant get over the chocolate and roses cliche. I don't want you to show up with assorted chocolates and dying roses to a girlfriend who is wary from go). I'm assuming you don't live together so as soon as she opens the door and you say hi pull her in and kiss her slowly, softly... then hold her for a minute. Give her the goodies. Tell her she doesnt have to use it if she doesnt want to, that you just wanted to make sure she has the option since she wasnt ready to have you make her cum yet. If she says she doesnt want it gently tell her to keep it for a while and if she still doesnt want it to throw it away. If she does accept dont bring it out together. A while (at least a week) later ask if she liked it and if she would let you watch her use it.

Clash: I feel like she wants things to go farther even though shes not saying it. All she really ever says is that she want to wait till marriage to have sex. I am not a virgin and neither is she.
j.w.: If you ask and she says no, then she most likely doesn't want to do anything more.

Clash: Although she has only had sex one time and that was not a good experience it was when she was drunk.
j.w.: was she raped? that how you make it seem. You guys really should talk about that. If you are seriously considering marriage, than communication is vital. Talking about sex isn't always easy... especially if its about a problem, but hopefully the relationship is worth the awkwardness.

Clash: Also something else I noticed is a few times I have taken her hand and stuck it down her pants and then took my hand on top of her pants and just kind of moved her hand making her finger herself. That just drives me crazy though and makes me want to be able to do it! Thank you all for your help in advance Im sure I will get some interesting thoughts on this.
j.w.: tell her this too.

Any tips on how to bring it up? Also I have told her in the heat of the moment that I really want her to get off and that it makes me feel bad that she doesnt. But she always tells me its ok.
j.w.: Try telling her what a good handjob she gave you and other stuff about the nght before. Ask her what she liked best about what you did to her. Tell her all the stuff you said about tasting her through her pants etc. and then bring up fingering. And if you don't know why she wants to wait ask her.

Best of luck communicating with your girlfriend, and reaching a compromise.