how to....not cry when angry

[INeedLove]

Sorry this isn't sexual.......


When I get angry/frustrated and try to calmly discuss the issue with another, I find myself crying. I have tried deep breathing to no avail. Well, I had a conflict at work during a staff meeting and was crying as I tried to talk about the problem. I HATE crying in front of others. I think the crying negates or reduces my arguements. Any ideas on how I can change this???

I wonder if it stems from that old teaching "good girls don't get angry"?

Any books or article ideas? Anyone else do this??

Hugs!

 

[SweetErika]

I've yet to find something that can really stop me from crying; once I start, trying not to cry just makes it worse, and I end up crying partially over the fact that I'm getting upset! I don't do it when angry, but I'm very sensitive to hurt and extreme frustration and disappointment (e.g. with myself, a situation like losing my purse, when I realize I'm going to fail at something big).

What I can do is give myself time to collect myself before it starts. With the staff meeting, could you have said something like, "I'd like to talk with you about this, but I need some time to gather my thoughts, so I'll get back to you in a few minutes/hours/days,"? You might even be able to excuse yourself to the restroom or some area/task where you can calm down and formulate a plan.

Once in a while I can also get out of it by focusing on something else, like a good memory or counting, if I think I'm approaching tears.

 

[Chicklet]

I took a conflict management seminar a few years back which brought up some ideas about keeping yourself from crying in situations exactly like you described.

one of them has worked for me pretty well... when you start getting teary, get a glass of cold water and chug it. don't stop, just drink, and it helps keep the tears from flowing.

 

[deliciously_naughty]

it's also hard for me not to cry when I feel really strong emotions.

I do the quick blinking trick which works only about 30 or so % of the time.

 

[sunandshadow]

I can't help crying when angry. It annoys me because it gives the wrong impression, makes me seem hurt rather than furious. I've heard that the trait seems to be particularly common among women of italian descent among others, but that's not a scientific fact or anything. I don't think there's anything we could do about it short of just not getting angry or having your tear ducts removed or something extreme like that.

 

[Eilan]

I do this as well.

 

[bobsgirl]

I do it and I hate it. I don't think you can argue from a position of strength when you're crying. But I find I only cry if the anger is because of a personal issue between my husband and me. If, for instance, I get pissed off at poor customer service, I never get teary-eyed. The anger has to be about something that triggers a very personal reaction, if that makes sense.

for years I have told my husband, I need to discuss something with you, and I will probably cry but disregard the tears. the last thing I want during an argument is to be comforted.

 

[crysede]

Crying when angry has been a real problem for me, but with practice I've found I can short-circuit the tears by focussing on the "wrong" itself rather than on how I've been wronged.

Here are some other good tips:

1. Not all situations that bring tears to our eyes are the same. Anticipate situations when possible. Some emotionally charged encounters could be anticipated. In these instances it is extremely useful to spend time rehearsing various responses with someone else. Be prepared! Use what you know about the person and situation to construct likely scenarios. Practice! If you can hear yourself responding to what you fear most, you will lessen your anxiety and defuse your fear while developing confidence that you can respond effectively.

2. Women often cry without really knowing why. We cry when we are actually angry. Devote some energy and time to identifying your feelings more accurately. Increase your self-awareness. The more able you are to distinguish one feeling from another, the more you will feel able to control tears. You will find yourself less overwhelmed by feelings and thereby less likely to cry. Flooding causes crying in women and withdrawal in men.

If, as you examine your feeling, anger is what you are avoiding, work at becoming more assertive, so you more accurately and appropriately express your anger. When you feel that sensation of crying start to build, take a deep breath and immediately ask yourself, "What exactly is angering me? What do I need to do to resolve the situation?" Re-focus on the problem. This can help calm you down.

3. Women often cry when they feel overwhelmed with work, unrecognized, or anxious and fearful about their performance. If this is you, remember, crying will not make a dent in what is really wrong. Cultivate a sense of optimism—things generally work out. Make a list of the actual and perceived issues and problems creating your feelings. Seek out others such as a mentor, outside friend, business coach or networking group. Use them to assist with gaining a broader perspective that includes a healthy dose of optimistic alternatives. Few things in the workplace are life and death. Back up and give yourself some perspective.

4. Compartmentalize. If you well up frequently or easily cry at the office, your personal life may be intruding on your business life. Although somewhat artificial, it is important to create and then maintain a boundary between your personal and professional worlds. Being at work can be a great diversion. Think of work as a rest stop from the personal issues! Give yourself permission to focus on something other than your personal life. Away from the office, seek support and help from friends, family, religious leaders, a psychotherapist, family counselor, or the employee assistance program. Don’t forget that it took time for the problem to develop; it will take time to solve.

Compartmentalizing feelings is also a good skill to learn. Practice not acting on a feeling you have. Focus instead on the other person. Learn to delay and restrain the sense of urgency to act on feelings. It’s a skill men have developed to a much larger degree than women, and often makes them seem uncaring and unfeeling. However, women can use this skill to time the expression of their feelings, and having control over your feelings provides a wonderful sense of confidence.

Women are sensitive to perceived personal criticism. Even though criticism hurts, again, crying doesn’t make it hurt less, so we need to re-train ourselves. Calm down. Have in your repertoire a practice that helps you calm down when you need to. A good one to cultivate is mindfulness. Focusing on the breath and your breathing and utilizing relaxation techniques, you can slow down reactions, gain control and think more clearly.

A complimentary strategy is focusing on content instead of the criticism, or redirecting your thoughts. For example, comment on how you can get the reports in more quickly rather than on the remark about “you’re to slow” or focus on how the negotiations are proceeding, instead of on your bosses question about “why haven’t you booked the business?" Finally, you might say to a colleague, “Matt, at the moment I’m not as concerned with your interpretation as I am on this scheduling problem."

5. If you do find yourself starting to cry when you don’t want to, acknowledge your feelings or excuse yourself. You can say, “As you can see, I feel strongly about this. Let’s focus on how we might get along better through this tough time.” Or, if you’re feeling you can’t gain control—say, “As you can see I feel strongly about this. I’d like to take a time out and talk about it again later. I appreciate your understanding.” Then leave and book another appointment at a later time.

www.womensmedia.com/new/Crying-at-Work.shtml

 

[INeedLove]

Thank you! Erika, Chicklet, Crysede, BG-thank you for the tips. Everyone-it's nice to know I'm not in the boat alone! Today is a "follow up" meeting with my colleagues. I am bringing a big glass of cold water and a funny pic to try to redirect my feelings if I get upset. The good thing is that I have mentally prepared for the meeting unlike the previous ones where I was a bit blindsided. I will let you know how it goes!

Sending hugs and smiles!

 

[ecclectic]

try being a guy whith this issue... i can control it now, but when i was younger, well into my teens i would get so angry i couldn't odo anything but break down. Now, i just break other things down. Usually the situation, i go over it in minutae until it seems just too rediculous, if that fails i find something to destroy.

 

[M's girl]

try being a guy whith this issue... i can control it now, but when i was younger, well into my teens i would get so angry i couldn't odo anything but break down. Now, i just break other things down. Usually the situation, i go over it in minutae until it seems just too rediculous, if that fails i find something to destroy.

I think this is a big part of the issue. Women are taught to behave well, not yell and certainly not to break stuff or hurt people when they are angry or frustrated. I like it for the most part because I would not want to be someone (not even if I was a guy) who just destroys things (and people) if and when I can't handle a situation too well.

On the other hand it would not hurt women to be somewhat more aggressive, but in a passive way. The ones that can do this is who most of us call the bitches although they probably cry too - most of them have learned somehow to do this when they are alone...

When I cry, most of the time it's out of frustration or if I know I'm being treated unfair and at the same time know there's nothing I can do at that moment. I hate it. But I still prefer it over being looked at as a cold hearted bitch...

 

[INeedLove]

Update-

Well, I made it through the meeting without a tear falling. Chicklet, the cold water thing really helped!! I felt the tears welling and drank a hard sip of cold water which helped me refocus. I know my frustration, anger, upset at what I percieved to be an injustice (not just at how our staff was treated but also in the callous attitude of the agressor), etc all contributed to my tears. If I could go back to last thursday and zip my mouth shut pre-conflict I would, believe me!

Thanks again everyone!

 

[herecomestherain]

Hey good for you on the way the meeting went. I've found anticipating how I might feel really helps. The other thing I used to do was look to the ceiling if I felt tears approaching and sometimes just naming what you're feeling - "I'm feeling really hurt about this" can help a bit -- people are afraid of shows of strong emotions, especially at work, but it won't be the end of the world and who knows, it can occasionally be cathartic if it makes someone else think about their impact on others.

 

[Sassyfrass]

I'm the same way.......I cry when angry......
It's really frustrating because I don't want to be seen as weak.....

Funnier...is that I rarely cry when things are sad......