How to stop loving someone

[BUD_Genious]

About 6 months ago, i stupidly told someone i didnt love her.
about a month later, i told her i still did, and it was a fuck up.
she still loved me. but we werent gettn back together until we could see each other again (long distance after i transfered schools)

she lead me on, told me we oculd work it out...

then the guy who she always talked to and got help when she had bad times in our relationship, became single... now they are dating... about 3 months now...

i know im screwed, she knows she lead me on, we still talk, i cant get her out of my head...

i dont know wtf to do, i really have tried, i did try, i dont see anything else i could have done other than not say those words, and i now dont know how to get her out of my head.

yes i have tried dating, i have tried finding other women, i havent tried personals, but i have gone on dates, hung out with others, etc, but i cant get her out of my head....

help?

 

[FurryFury]

I've really never understood why people do this sort of thing to themselves.

Snap shot of my thought processes after a break up next.

First hour or two, cry.

Second hour feel relieved, fantasize revenge.

You see, for me, when it's over, it's over, period. I remember more and more the shit the other person did, each day that I look back. I let them do it. It pisses me off. They will never get that chance with me again. They didn't deserve it in the first place. There HAVE to be better people out there. If not, I'd rather be alone.

I eventually, let go of the dream I had of the other person and relationship. Eventually I start looking forward instead of back. Back is full of shitty times. Now can be good. The future can be great.

Now back to you:

First you said you didn't love her. I don't know why. I don't really care why. If someone said that to me, in all likelihood, I'd be done with them, particularly if I found someone who would treat me better.

Second you changed your mind. I don't know why. I don't really care why. She either lied outright to you or tried to let you down easy, either way it didn't work out.

Last, you realized she had moved on.

Now you chose to torture yourself that she was perfect for you? I don't get it. I honestly don't.

Clearly, she wasn't perfect for you. Perhaps you should concentrate on why when you think fondly or lustfully on her?

Otherwise you are just using her to torture yourself and/or keep yourself from moving on and possibly getting hurt / hurting by another.

You don't get to really move on until you get past this but be aware that you are still living your life while you refuse to move on, just less enjoyably.

You have to let yourself open up to someone else if you want to have any hope of enjoying your life, finding the right person or loving again. That's just my opinion.

In any case, good luck.

Fury

 

[Ravin the Poet]

You said words. Powerful words, but they are just simple words. This is the danger with long distance relationships as they always lead people wondering what else they could have done, what they did wrong and how to turn the clock. Fact is, the only way is time. Yeah, the great advise is time. Like any form of love, it will take time to get over. There is no magic switch or remedy to take to get over it. Keep your self busy does help, and puts your mind on other things. Don't date. Honestly, that is the most pointless thing to do after you break up with someone you still love because your are already going into the date with the mind that it's not going to work and you want the other girl. So you need to find someone who you have feelings for emotionally. A date is not that.

So time is all I can say. Time and keep yourself busy.

I also have to agree with the above, as you said you didn't love her, and then you did. I know with women, you don't play around like that. Telling a woman you don't love her (unless valid reason of say being early) is not a good way to keep her around. I agree, you are just using her to torture yourself. Because I know for myself I speak, if I didn't live close to someone after I told them I loved them, I could simply move on unless I wanted to keep killing myself with it for months on end.

 

[midwestscribe]

yes i have tried dating, i have tried finding other women, i havent tried personals, but i have gone on dates, hung out with others, etc, but i cant get her out of my head....

help?

I'm no psychologist. But, it sounds as if you're borderline obsessive about her, maybe you've even crossed the border.

You have options, of course. You simply need to back off and try, as objectively as possible, to pick the one that's best for you.

You don't mention if you've had sex with anyone besides her. So, if you haven't, maybe some good ole fashioned recreational sex might be just the ticket (just practice safe sex).

And, yes, it might be meaningless, loveless sex but it might just be what you need to stop thinking about good ole whats-her-name. At the very least, you can convince yourself she's not the only fish in the sea and build your self-confidence back up to where some worthy girl would find you interesting.

If you're down, others notice it. So, you've got to get "up" so they'll notice that too.

Good Luck!!!

 

[BUD_Genious]

i have had sex with others. its not that. i just really want someone right now who can be with me, who understands what im going through right now...
(grandfather is ill, aunt just had surgery, im realizing all my gparents are going to pass soon, etc)

just tough times and she is someone i can turn to (i still talk with her) and she helps me, and i hope/think i help her when i dont go off aobut missing her.

 

[FurryFury]

It's pretty hard to cut the ties when you keep talking to her.

*shakes head*

Fury

 

[yoshimitsu]

I look at it the same as I look at quiting smoking, getting over addictions, and many other mental situations.

I believe that anyone who 100% wholeheartedly wants to change something like this will have little trouble doing so. I believe the problem is that there is always that small part of yourself you let boss you around in your head. I have changed my thoughts and feelings on many different things in life by simply having basically an internal monologue intervention.
First think about it a good deal and figure out exactly what you want, what makes sense, and how you want it to be. If these feelings are not benefiting your life then change them or get rid of them.
Once you have decided how you want things to be it's just a matter of convincing yourself to wholeheartedly believe that.
Any time your internal monologue starts to step out of line smack it back into place. Any time you start thinking about how it could have been, or what could have been different, or what you could have done just tell yourself "NO!" and be done with it. If you can't do this then you don't want it bad enough.
I think oftentimes we find ourselves thinking these little things and don't realize those thoughts are a big part of what's holding us back from moving on or changing our reality.

If you can't do it internally then do it externally.
Find a counselor or someone wise you look up to to talk to about it.

 

[M's girl]

You want to know how to stop loving her? You already did. And you told her so. But you had not counted on her moving on. Now deal with it. Simple as that.

 

[INeedLove]

To me...love isn't an emotion to be turned on or off. (my ex well )

Anyway, it takes time to recover from losing a love. If you don't heal from one relationship but still hop into another, you are dooming it to failure.

In my opinion, you should cut ties to her. Don't talk to her. Each time you do, it just twists your gut, right? You need to take a long break from contact with her. Maybe some day you can go back to friendship but only after you have healed.

In the meantime, if you are a college student, call Counseling and get an appointment. Universities and colleges have counselors. Those counselors are not there to sit behind a desk and look pretty. They are there to help you. If you simply need someone to listen, that is their specialty!! If you need ideas on how to heal, they can help. They won't tell you what to do. If you prefer a male, then ask for one. Really, utilize them!

Good luck

 

[lik_m_ade]

I almost hate to simplify this for you, given that you are likely to dismiss it in its simplicity, but you already know how to do this. Think the same thoughts about her that you were thinking when you realized you didn't love her. Focus on those aspects of her actions, appearance, personality and so on that were foremost in your attention at that time.

By thinking about how helpful, sweet and kind she is being now, your mind is responding with feelings of love. It's why coworkers on a project or people on the same movie set so often "fall in love" they stay focused on positive thoughts of each other until their mind responds with feelings they interpret as love.

Just think about her the way you did before and those feelings will fade, you'll realize that your initial assessment was true-you aren't in love and you'll go on with your life from there.

Good luck.

 

[DevilsAngel369]

About 6 months ago, i stupidly told someone i didnt love her.
about a month later, i told her i still did, and it was a fuck up.
she still loved me. but we werent gettn back together until we could see each other again (long distance after i transfered schools)

she lead me on, told me we oculd work it out...

then the guy who she always talked to and got help when she had bad times in our relationship, became single... now they are dating... about 3 months now...

i know im screwed, she knows she lead me on, we still talk, i cant get her out of my head...

i dont know wtf to do, i really have tried, i did try, i dont see anything else i could have done other than not say those words, and i now dont know how to get her out of my head.

yes i have tried dating, i have tried finding other women, i havent tried personals, but i have gone on dates, hung out with others, etc, but i cant get her out of my head....

help?

this may not be the best advice but it has worked for me.

Hit the gym, run, swim...exercise! dont know why it helps, but it does and it's a lot better than drinking your sorrows away.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

this may not be the best advice but it has worked for me.

Hit the gym, run, swim...exercise! dont know why it helps, but it does and it's a lot better than drinking your sorrows away.

Because as I said in my post, it's better to keep busy then to sit around and do nothing all the time. Keep your mind focused on other things and you won't have negative thoughts.

 

[thirty]

About 6 months ago, i stupidly told someone i didnt love her.
about a month later, i told her i still did, and it was a fuck up.
she still loved me. but we werent gettn back together until we could see each other again (long distance after i transfered schools)

she lead me on, told me we oculd work it out...

then the guy who she always talked to and got help when she had bad times in our relationship, became single... now they are dating... about 3 months now...

i know im screwed, she knows she lead me on, we still talk, i cant get her out of my head...

i dont know wtf to do, i really have tried, i did try, i dont see anything else i could have done other than not say those words, and i now dont know how to get her out of my head.

yes i have tried dating, i have tried finding other women, i havent tried personals, but i have gone on dates, hung out with others, etc, but i cant get her out of my head....

help?

I understand you - I used to be in your shoes one year ago. I fell in love with a girl, and for the God's sake, it's a affair out of marriage, then finally, all of a sudden, she disappeared, she was out of my life.
I could hardly sleep for a whole month, kept thinking about the girl, I cried countless times. I couldn't imagine how I would be happy again.

Then finally I was getting normal gradually few months later.

Time heals everything!

 

[AvaAdore]

Getting over someone you really care about is really hard. My partner is one of my best friends. We went through a rough patch last year and almost split, but we kept it together and our relationship is better for it. Sometimes someone just feels right for you, and no one else does. I tend to throw my whole heart and soul into a relationship. I let myself get attached. I think that's the only way to really experience it.

In my previous relationship, it was long distance and I broke it off, partially because of my current partner (he was the final straw, pretty much). My ex was very upset. It took him a long time to deal with it. I felt terrible about breaking it off, but I was unhappy in the relationship.

I can relate to your ex's position, having been in a similar one myself. I don't think she was purposely leading you on. She reached a fork in her road and had to make a choice - you or the other guy. Has she told you that getting back together is not going to happen? If she hasn't, perhaps that's what you need to move on.

As thirty said, time will heal.

 

[cocolacroix]