How to talk a man out of suicide?

[Kazzmatic]

Huh. I came here looking for advice and got nothing.

I had a friend, actually, my best friend at the time, commit suicide. In the letter he left me, he said he didn't want to go through with it - he just wanted to scare his parents into realising how much they were hurting him by shunning him for being bi. The only reason he went through with it is that I was late picking him up for lunch. I let myself into his place, and found him cold and grey slumped over on his bathroom sink.

I still can't walk into ANYONE's house without knocking and receiving a verbal reply.

If you're going to leave "how-to's", could they be actually helpful? I don't ever want anyone to have to go through what I went through.

 

[celticbtrfly]

Suicide

Huh. I came here looking for advice and got nothing.

I had a friend, actually, my best friend at the time, commit suicide. In the letter he left me, he said he didn't want to go through with it - he just wanted to scare his parents into realising how much they were hurting him by shunning him for being bi. The only reason he went through with it is that I was late picking him up for lunch. I let myself into his place, and found him cold and grey slumped over on his bathroom sink.

I still can't walk into ANYONE's house without knocking and receiving a verbal reply.

If you're going to leave "how-to's", could they be actually helpful? I don't ever want anyone to have to go through what I went through.

Kazzmatic, I'm so sorry for your loss and the experience of finding your friend. My best friend and love of my life killed himself almost 12 years ago. I wasn't entirely surprised (there had been multiple, very serious attempts prior to the last one), but it was so hard for me. Still is. I miss him every day.

And I'd like to say that I don't get it, but I understand it all too well. I've lost someone to suicide, and yet I have my own history of attempts. Because of chronic pain issues, I frequently consider it. In a lot of ways, the people who say "If someone really wants to do it, they will" are right--there is no way to stop someone who truly wants to end it all. For the people who are trying to use it as a "fuck you" to their loved ones, well, there are other things in place there. The fact is that in my 20+ years of dealing with chronic pain and severe depression, I've never expected anyone to save me. I'm responsible for my own actions.

And ultimately, for the survivors who lose someone, that's the hardest lesson to realize. The "If only"s kill us; "If only I had been there", "If only I had forcefully removed the knife from his/her hand", "If only I had forced the pills out of their mouths", etc.

 

[Kazzmatic]

Kazzmatic, I'm so sorry for your loss and the experience of finding your friend. My best friend and love of my life killed himself almost 12 years ago. I wasn't entirely surprised (there had been multiple, very serious attempts prior to the last one), but it was so hard for me. Still is. I miss him every day.

And I'd like to say that I don't get it, but I understand it all too well. I've lost someone to suicide, and yet I have my own history of attempts. Because of chronic pain issues, I frequently consider it. In a lot of ways, the people who say "If someone really wants to do it, they will" are right--there is no way to stop someone who truly wants to end it all. For the people who are trying to use it as a "fuck you" to their loved ones, well, there are other things in place there. The fact is that in my 20+ years of dealing with chronic pain and severe depression, I've never expected anyone to save me. I'm responsible for my own actions.

And ultimately, for the survivors who lose someone, that's the hardest lesson to realize. The "If only"s kill us; "If only I had been there", "If only I had forcefully removed the knife from his/her hand", "If only I had forced the pills out of their mouths", etc.

The "if only"s are definitely the hardest part. I can tell myself all day that it was ultimately his decision, but it only takes a half of an "if only" to ruin all the forward progress. Missing is hard too. I'm so sorry you know how it feels, and I sincerely hope it's made you a stronger person for it.

I consider myself to be a strong and confident person, so I tend to see suicide as a permanent problem to a temporary solution (as crass and horrible as it might sound) so I don't truly understand why someone would kill themselves. And that's hard too. Because not knowing how he felt and what drove him to slitting his wrists is... Unbearable. And it causes the "what if"s to spiral out of control.

Ultimately, though, it's talking about him in past tense that hurts so badly. Because when you boil all of it down, you're simply left with "he was" which are the saddest words I can think of.

 

[celticbtrfly]

Hi Kazzmatic-
I also get the whole "permanent solution to a temporary problem" thing. I can tell you, from being in the worst of my pain and depression, that it doesn't seem so temporary at the time.

And I am stronger, but I have a really difficult time letting people close.

And Rainshine, thank you. I know, for me (I can't speak for other survivors) it's become about helping others so that their loved ones don't have to experience this.

 

[Kazzmatic]

I know it seems awful at the time and I do understand that somewhat.

Yeah. It's that little thing that makes letting people in difficult. Which kinda sucks...

Yes, thank you Rainshine. It's not so much a horrible thing anymore as much as it is just a thing. Which sometimes I feel irrationally guilty for.