Ok, so now I'm almost divorced after being married most of my life, the kids are practically grown, the dogs are housebroken, I learned how to change the oil in my truck, and I can shop for one.. Now what? How does one go from being married to suddenly single again? The silence is driving me mad, I'm talking to myself and answering, then fussing at myself outloud for answering myself. I have no clue how to date, and am in fact, terrified of having to go out on one. This computer is becoming my best friend, I even sit down and have lunch while on it. My friends took me out to a bar and dancing, and I felt like a piece of meat being looked over and sized up. Then ran like a chicken when approached. I don't think I'm gonna adjust very well to this new world I'm being slammed head first into..Any advice from the "been there, done that" group?
I have no clue...
- Thread starter Simply Me
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Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
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Simply Me said:
Find the local ESPN affiliate or NPR affiliate, and keep the radio on to either of those or some radio station that is mostly conversation. The sound of other voices makes the house seem less empty. Music stations are better than nothing, but don't give the illusion of not being alone.
Simply Me said:
A "Meat Market" is definitely NOT the place to ease back into being social on your own.
Join a church. Churches are good places to meet people without the pressure of everyone being on the make.
Join a Bowling League, or some other sports team -- softball, track, or whatever sports you enjoy. Again, a way to meet people without the dating pressure.
Join a dance club, theater company, or choir. (My mother chose square dancing, but I suppose there are other dance clubs available.) Again, a way to meet people with common interests without dating pressures.
Volunteer. In a hospital if you're looking for a doctor friend, In a school if teachers turn you on, or whereever your interests lie. Volunteering isn't as good a way to meet people, but it will get you out of that empty house.
Or you could choose what I did -- become a recluse.
Renegade
Strange and Disturbed
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G.R. said:but I think Harold is the wisest man alive. He has given you some excellent advice.
Agreed. Weird Harolds advice is what I'd suggest you follow. But it's up to you, Simply Me. Whatever you choose to do, best of luck to you.
fgarvb1
We are in for it now.
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starting over again can be scary.!
I, Know.
Basic stuff first. You have to learn how to live alone {without a spouse}again. This takes time. Some people can't
handle it.
Don't "date" untill your ready. On the other hand people do what they have to to make it through the night sometimies.
I can only speak for myself when i say it takes me about six months to feel "natural" about living alone.
A realy good thing to do is to keep yourself busy. Doing what you ask.?
Well for one thing i have never meet anyone who came out of a divorce without some kind of damange. Look into this.
It does not matter who divorced who..When, What for, or Where. It had to effect your self esteem and other things in some way.
As for being lonely..It's ok to feel that way, It's just an emotion and it will not hurt you. I wish i had a dollar for everytime i've felt alone in a crowd of people or even married.
What i am trying to say is that being alone and being lonely to two very different things. Being alone is physical
and can be fixed by getting out and meeting people/making new freinds.
Being lonely often is an emotional/spiritial condition which only you and your higher power can work own.
I remember one time when someone said to me that in a way i was lucky. They said that not everyone gets a chance to start over and that the future was mine to with as i saw fit, To be who i wanted to be, How i wanted to, Where i wanted to be and with who i wanted to be with. They said it was a rare gift and i would be a fool to waste it.
They were correct..even if i could not see it at that time.
Good luck..fgarvb1....sorry about the spelling..
[Edited by fgarvb1 on 05-19-2001 at 07:16 PM]
I, Know.
Basic stuff first. You have to learn how to live alone {without a spouse}again. This takes time. Some people can't
handle it.
Don't "date" untill your ready. On the other hand people do what they have to to make it through the night sometimies.
I can only speak for myself when i say it takes me about six months to feel "natural" about living alone.
A realy good thing to do is to keep yourself busy. Doing what you ask.?
Well for one thing i have never meet anyone who came out of a divorce without some kind of damange. Look into this.
It does not matter who divorced who..When, What for, or Where. It had to effect your self esteem and other things in some way.
As for being lonely..It's ok to feel that way, It's just an emotion and it will not hurt you. I wish i had a dollar for everytime i've felt alone in a crowd of people or even married.
What i am trying to say is that being alone and being lonely to two very different things. Being alone is physical
and can be fixed by getting out and meeting people/making new freinds.
Being lonely often is an emotional/spiritial condition which only you and your higher power can work own.
I remember one time when someone said to me that in a way i was lucky. They said that not everyone gets a chance to start over and that the future was mine to with as i saw fit, To be who i wanted to be, How i wanted to, Where i wanted to be and with who i wanted to be with. They said it was a rare gift and i would be a fool to waste it.
They were correct..even if i could not see it at that time.
Good luck..fgarvb1....sorry about the spelling..
[Edited by fgarvb1 on 05-19-2001 at 07:16 PM]
Svedish_Chef
On Walkabout
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mig said:
I'd hate to have that half...
Andra_Jenny
Mentally Divergent
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- 2,865
In similar times, my remedy was to pack everything. Pick a spot. Any spot. Go live. Just starting a new life keeps you too busy with too many new little worries. With the same routines come the same thought patterns. When every day is a new adventure, the people that you meet are more interesting, and it sounds as if people may be the key here.
batter
Lick me 'til i scream!
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what i did was go on a cruise to the caribean for a week, met new friends and enjoyed myself. it was a great refief to get away from the usual crap that comes with finding yourself single. i was married for 16 1/2 yrs the first time round. i was on my own for 2 yrs with no steady mate at all..that also included no sex as well...i used to ask the neighbor upstairs out to lunch once in a while when she was available...and there were no strings attached. we became great platonic friends who had a lot in common.
i went away the following year to a different part of the bahamas and when i came back, i was ready to find a friend first, then a mate later. i met my second wife at the local bingo hall, and we were together for 10 months before we got married. it is almost 4 yrs now and i have not regretted it at all.
good things come to those who wait.
i went away the following year to a different part of the bahamas and when i came back, i was ready to find a friend first, then a mate later. i met my second wife at the local bingo hall, and we were together for 10 months before we got married. it is almost 4 yrs now and i have not regretted it at all.
good things come to those who wait.
Being alone after years of marriage IS one of the strangest sensations imaginable. Your thoughts are mostly goverened by all of the uncertainity demons. Just remember this, it will pass. If you allow it to get better then it will. Not today, most likely not tomorrow nor next week even. But it will get better.
I agree with WH,,, find something to help pass the time outside of your home,,, something that interests you. This interest or activity does not have to be deep and capable of moving mountains nor bridging rivers,,, and it may not interest you for long. But starting somewhere is important.
Sitting about all alone with the self doubts and memories is the worst thing that you can do. Depending on someone else to help you find the road to contentment is easily done,,, but terribly wrong and usually a dissappointment in the long run. As hard as it might be,,, this is something that you have undertake by yourself for yourself.
Reclusion is a natural tendancy but generally NOT the answer that works for most people. We are social animals and most of us need the companionship of others. But placing yourself in a meat market situation is not going to result in the type of companionship that you will most likely be comfortable with yet. Low key situations would be by far the best way to get comfortable with interactions as a single woman again.
Self doubt and self examination are going to be with you for some time to come. Learn to set them aside after a short visit. Otherwise they will become a chain and anchor that you will find hard to shake loose.
Been there and done all that. It's not easy, but you can get beyond this.
Very best wishes. My email is current and active,,, if you need to talk just zap the little button below.
I agree with WH,,, find something to help pass the time outside of your home,,, something that interests you. This interest or activity does not have to be deep and capable of moving mountains nor bridging rivers,,, and it may not interest you for long. But starting somewhere is important.
Sitting about all alone with the self doubts and memories is the worst thing that you can do. Depending on someone else to help you find the road to contentment is easily done,,, but terribly wrong and usually a dissappointment in the long run. As hard as it might be,,, this is something that you have undertake by yourself for yourself.
Reclusion is a natural tendancy but generally NOT the answer that works for most people. We are social animals and most of us need the companionship of others. But placing yourself in a meat market situation is not going to result in the type of companionship that you will most likely be comfortable with yet. Low key situations would be by far the best way to get comfortable with interactions as a single woman again.
Self doubt and self examination are going to be with you for some time to come. Learn to set them aside after a short visit. Otherwise they will become a chain and anchor that you will find hard to shake loose.
Been there and done all that. It's not easy, but you can get beyond this.
Very best wishes. My email is current and active,,, if you need to talk just zap the little button below.
Just got home from work, and read all the replies. First, thanks to you all, for your advice and for the good wishes.
I have been tossing around doing some travel nursing when my youngest daughter graduates school this year. Reading what you all had to say has convinced me to go for it! I've never been out of the south, and would love to see as much of the world as I can. I think it is sinking in that nothing is holding me back, I can now come and go as I please, and maybe for the first time, think about what I would like to do instead of what I have to for others.
The loneliness is the worst part, and I miss many things about being married, such as having someone to lay in bed with and talk and laugh. I use to come home and talk about the horrible things I had seen at work with my husband, now I come home and bury it inside, and of course I miss the intimacy, the cuddling, and the look across the room that says so much without saying a thing.. but as you all said, I will move past this and maybe? on to better things.
Didn't mean to make this so long, just wanted to thank you guys for listening and caring...this is a great place with wonderful people. Ok, I'm finished being mushy..heh..
I have been tossing around doing some travel nursing when my youngest daughter graduates school this year. Reading what you all had to say has convinced me to go for it! I've never been out of the south, and would love to see as much of the world as I can. I think it is sinking in that nothing is holding me back, I can now come and go as I please, and maybe for the first time, think about what I would like to do instead of what I have to for others.
The loneliness is the worst part, and I miss many things about being married, such as having someone to lay in bed with and talk and laugh. I use to come home and talk about the horrible things I had seen at work with my husband, now I come home and bury it inside, and of course I miss the intimacy, the cuddling, and the look across the room that says so much without saying a thing.. but as you all said, I will move past this and maybe? on to better things.
Didn't mean to make this so long, just wanted to thank you guys for listening and caring...this is a great place with wonderful people. Ok, I'm finished being mushy..heh..
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