I protest
- Thread starter Master_Vassago
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wiped clean
All done. (Couldn't help myself, forgive me.) PMathGirl said:
Master_Vassago
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LOL what am I a man-whore? Am I just getting passed around and not knowing it. Hmmm I rather think that chicklets ass AV would be much better over my lap than that damn big assed baby one MG uses sometimes.
Master_Vassago
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MathGirl said:
Well if you're refering to Chicklet as Cheeky she's a bit of alright in my book.
But if you're refering to that big assed baby well, I just don't like her. LOL. Something about her seems creepy to me.
Quasimodem
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As some poetical dude once said of MG:Master_Vassago said:
"that barefoot girl w/cheek needs tan . . ."
Did you mean to infer that you don't agree?
Quasimodem
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No Chicklet,Chicklet said:
but if that's what you want, I could arrange it . . .
Master_Vassago
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I love that av chicklet .
MG, you're such a big smartass(ed baby) sometimes.
.MG, you're such a big smartass(ed baby) sometimes.
Master_Vassago
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Whoa I made a big booboo
I realized after I went back to edit this that I posted the unedited version. Where I hadn't changed all the hers and she refernces that had been replaced you's.
I feel stupid. But with that said, here is the newest version edited, thanks for the help you guys. I still feel like a big dummy though. I had posted the final product with all the her corrections to lit but had forgotten to save it from word.
Now I have fixed it and in the next post will see if you think it's better.
I realized after I went back to edit this that I posted the unedited version. Where I hadn't changed all the hers and she refernces that had been replaced you's.
I feel stupid. But with that said, here is the newest version edited, thanks for the help you guys. I still feel like a big dummy though. I had posted the final product with all the her corrections to lit but had forgotten to save it from word.
Now I have fixed it and in the next post will see if you think it's better.
Master_Vassago
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Just think of Jennifer being on the beach walking alone one night wearing her leather two piece bikini. As she passes by the mouth of a cave she hears a squeal from within. Moments later as entering the mouth of the cavern to see if she can still hear anything, her flashlight goes out. Instantly Jennifer is knocked to the floor and her hands wrapped tightly together and bound over head to the wall, as she struggles a rough hand reaches out from the darkest shadows and touches her face. In her moment of fear Jennifer faints dead away.
As she shakes the cobwebs out of her head suddenly she feel big rough hands tugging off her bottoms and slipping their way into her. His hands while rough and his nails long and sharp probe her depths as Jennifer struggles with what is happening in her own mind.
She feels the coarseness of his hands but also the delicate manner in which he touches her. Gruff at once, but yet at the same time taking deliberate time so as his nails do not harm her insides. Her pink, clenching muscles deep inside welcome the intrusion even if her mind hasn’t completely come to realize the danger of the situation. Jennifer has always liked it rough but even at this moment when she is getting just that, she still doesn’t know who the fingers belong to. He curls them as he rolls her over and lets only his thumb remain. As she tries to twist away his other hand in pinning her down, as it presses into the small of her back.
Suddenly just as she feels revulsion pass through her mind, Jennifer feels his thumb doing something exquisite, it rubs and manipulates the spongy spot just inside the mouth of her sex on the inner walls. He strokes it continuously with his thumb grinding it down and pressing against Jennifer’s inner walls making her cry out, as her body trembles. She has been given orgasms before but this is proving most intense.
"Why?" she cries out, her body writing and yet needing a answer.
"Because you have entered what was Mine and now I have entered what is yours slut," the voice responds.
As quickly as the fingers have invaded her wet moist cavern of desire, they slip away. She feel herself hoisted effortlessly over the man/creature’s shoulder and totter on the brink of passing out again.
As her eyes open for the second time this evening dazed from the blow that sent her reeling to the floor Jennifer realizes just where it is he has taken her, an old abandoned motel, having lived around here for a long time and haunted some of these places with her friends late at night to steal away and smoke a joint or two and have a few shots of tequila.
As Jennifer’s eyes adjust to the dim light she sees the figure, veiled in shadows before her. His intentions aren't known but the dampness between her legs makes her think that he has possibly fingered or fucked her by now because her juices are flowing down her thighs.
"Ahhh the pretty dark one is awake," he says in a low grumble. In a flash his lips are upon her neck and his cock jutting against her naked areolas. The tip presses and rubs against her nipples as he crouches over the chair and bites hungrily into the flesh of her neck. His rough hands eagerly seeking warm depths in which to sink.
She finds herself protesting but still opening her thighs in arousal. This putrid smelling man is as strong as an ox and determined to devour nothing less than her soul, she thinks. As Jennifer spreads her thighs his incisors tear into her neck and make the blood trickle down her breasts. Her nipples become hard at once and suddenly her mouth is watering and her breath catches in her throat.
As he laps at the trickle of blood her suddenly feel his weight shift away from her. His big hand locks on her jaw and squeezes forcing her mouth open. She wants to protest what's about to happen but once again her body betrays her.
As his thick cock presses against her tongue her wrap it around him and close her lips encircling his meaty prick. His hands fly to her hair and he fucks her mouth harder and faster. His guttural moans only fuel her on more. Jennifer loses herself in the moment and can only think of consuming his fleshy wand as it invades and fills her mouth.
Swallow after swallow she tastes the leaking precum from his cock. Jennifer’s pussy grows even more moist and she starts rubbing her thighs together to create a little pleasurable friction. He reaches down and tugs on her nipples forcing her to open her mouth at first to the pain. As her open her mouth he presses the full length of his shaft into her mouth and the tip rushes past her gag reflex and into her throat. Gulping to try and catch air her throat muscles contract around the tip of his tool and set of a steady stream of pulsing cum shots down her gullet.
As soon as he has finished skullfucking her he spreads her legs apart again and hefts her over his shoulder. Tossing her onto an old mattress he immediately pounces. Covering her body with his and raking his long unkempt nails down her flesh. The nails seem to be talon like, and she feels the trickles of blood flow from where he has scratched and torn the flesh open. His mouth covers the wounds as he thrusts into her. Claiming her body as his own vessel of pleasure once again.
Jennifer’s wet pussy easily accepts him and she no longer care what is about to happen or is happening just reaching her own screaming climax before she finds out if she was brought here to die. His pulsed and shot deep inside Jennifer’s tight center and still he thrust inside her and she can feel the intensity he is using to show her how animal like he really was.
His cock pounds inside her and his talon like nails press into the hood of her clit as he fumbles to manipulate her body to orgasm. Jennifer’s clit pulses in time with his thrusts and despite the fact that she should be crying rape, she finds herself wrapping her ankles around his hips and thumping her heels on his ass spurring him to fuck her deeper and faster. If he is going to treat her like a slut she is determined to act like one.
As he slides deeper into her wet depths her feel his hand reaching around and squeezing her ass. Her impulse is to clench and prevent any backdoor intrusion but Jennifer finds herself once again lulled into obedience and without him having to remove his cock from her wetness, she manipulates her body so that she is on her hands and knees in front of him impaled by his cock.
He leans over and tugs her hair hard and then pushes it aside as he sniffs the scent of her hair and blood mixed together. His tongue snakes out and her now feel a definite split to his tongue, it's almost snakelike. In that instant her cunt contracts around his massive member and she feels the orgasm rush through her body. She reaches down to stroke her own clit as he pounds her and finds herself reaching beneath to cup his balls.
As she teases them both with her hands her face is pressed into the musty mattress and his hand suddenly comes down and cracks her across her tender ass.
"Oh fuck yes," she moans into the makeshift bed.
Her pussy is quivering from the abuse and she feels lightheaded from the loss of blood. But still she continues to grind her hips back and stimulate the two of them as best she can in her hand bound position.
Again he takes her by surprise as he slips a wet finger into her asshole. Jennifer was so relaxed from cumming that the invasion wasn't even on her mind, just the pleasurable feeling as his finger stimulates nerve endings inside her rectum.
Her ass is now on fire and her cunt juices flowing freely. In a few seconds he barks out a command that she doesn't understand at all and she freezes for the moment. Again the command comes but she is still having no ideas of understanding. His cock withdraws leaving her pussy gaping and begging for attention. That is until she feels his finger leave her ass and suddenly his cock is pressing deep within her bowels.
No fighting no struggle just taking what he knows is his. Jennifer reacts as she always has when getting fucked in the ass, slamming her hips back and fingering herself as whatever man above pounds her. As viciously as it started he pulls out and rolls her over. He grabs her jaw and forces it open again and in her unalert state she allows this to happen.
His cum shoots out and splashes over her lips and down her neck as she moans and writhes in her pleasure.
Hours later she awakens in the cave, bound once again. As she opens her eyes she sees the thing that has taken her stooping beneath the low cavern walls. The firelight silhouettes him perfectly. He is as big as an ox, naked covered in front by thick patches of hair. His profile shows her a huge man and her know now that the legends are true.
But still there are unanswered questions. Is he a vampire, a freak mutated somehow. She just don't know yet... Perhaps one day she will, but the only thing her know now is that there is another fire in this room that needs no stoking at all... it only needs to be put out. She opens her mouth and calls out, "I'm ready you fucking hideous beast, do your worst to me or free me."
He turned to Jennifer and cocked his head, strange animal like at the least. Then her see it that huge cock dangling in front of her face just as he reaches to undo her bindings. The last instinct she has is to please him because he has now claimed her soul. She knows this as she opens her eyes one final time before he slips between her thighs and Jennifer sees the contents of the cavern better now that her eyes have adjusted.
Along the back wall is a pile of skeletons and mismatched bones. Finally as he pushes his cock into her once more she turns her head and sees two other beauties with feral eyes glaring at her from their places on the wall. Each has long scratch marks and scars down the length of her body and finally once winks and flicks out her serpent like tongue. She knows now for sure that she is lost to the outside world. She will either be converted or suffer a worse fate.
Finally this monstrous man speaks to her and not at her, “Little dark one, I have taken you because you entered my domain, I am not a creature as your mind must think by now. I am simply a man that grew tired of all the day to day bullshit in the world and decided to slip away into this dark cavern. The tongues, I know you have noticed by now that each of us here have splits in them, this is my way of marking what is mine. It’s erotic once it heals and adds to my lapping between a woman’s legs and her tongue teasing my cock.”
He took a deep breath before continuing, “I also must say the bones around the room are animals, and some human, occasionally someone will venture to far inside this place of dwelling and try to harm me or what is mine. That is the only time I kill. Then or to eat. Other than that you are safe, but you won’t be leaving now even if I let you up. I have fulfilled your desires, without you even knowing they were there before hand. I know that you are alone and have watched you and your so called friends many a night wander this beach and that hotel. You always separate yourself from the group and I know you are the loner I want to share my time with.”
Closing her eyes she pushes all that aside as his fangs bite into her flesh again and his cock throbs deep within. She is his for whatever use he may have of her, that is the only certainty now...
edited again.
As she shakes the cobwebs out of her head suddenly she feel big rough hands tugging off her bottoms and slipping their way into her. His hands while rough and his nails long and sharp probe her depths as Jennifer struggles with what is happening in her own mind.
She feels the coarseness of his hands but also the delicate manner in which he touches her. Gruff at once, but yet at the same time taking deliberate time so as his nails do not harm her insides. Her pink, clenching muscles deep inside welcome the intrusion even if her mind hasn’t completely come to realize the danger of the situation. Jennifer has always liked it rough but even at this moment when she is getting just that, she still doesn’t know who the fingers belong to. He curls them as he rolls her over and lets only his thumb remain. As she tries to twist away his other hand in pinning her down, as it presses into the small of her back.
Suddenly just as she feels revulsion pass through her mind, Jennifer feels his thumb doing something exquisite, it rubs and manipulates the spongy spot just inside the mouth of her sex on the inner walls. He strokes it continuously with his thumb grinding it down and pressing against Jennifer’s inner walls making her cry out, as her body trembles. She has been given orgasms before but this is proving most intense.
"Why?" she cries out, her body writing and yet needing a answer.
"Because you have entered what was Mine and now I have entered what is yours slut," the voice responds.
As quickly as the fingers have invaded her wet moist cavern of desire, they slip away. She feel herself hoisted effortlessly over the man/creature’s shoulder and totter on the brink of passing out again.
As her eyes open for the second time this evening dazed from the blow that sent her reeling to the floor Jennifer realizes just where it is he has taken her, an old abandoned motel, having lived around here for a long time and haunted some of these places with her friends late at night to steal away and smoke a joint or two and have a few shots of tequila.
As Jennifer’s eyes adjust to the dim light she sees the figure, veiled in shadows before her. His intentions aren't known but the dampness between her legs makes her think that he has possibly fingered or fucked her by now because her juices are flowing down her thighs.
"Ahhh the pretty dark one is awake," he says in a low grumble. In a flash his lips are upon her neck and his cock jutting against her naked areolas. The tip presses and rubs against her nipples as he crouches over the chair and bites hungrily into the flesh of her neck. His rough hands eagerly seeking warm depths in which to sink.
She finds herself protesting but still opening her thighs in arousal. This putrid smelling man is as strong as an ox and determined to devour nothing less than her soul, she thinks. As Jennifer spreads her thighs his incisors tear into her neck and make the blood trickle down her breasts. Her nipples become hard at once and suddenly her mouth is watering and her breath catches in her throat.
As he laps at the trickle of blood her suddenly feel his weight shift away from her. His big hand locks on her jaw and squeezes forcing her mouth open. She wants to protest what's about to happen but once again her body betrays her.
As his thick cock presses against her tongue her wrap it around him and close her lips encircling his meaty prick. His hands fly to her hair and he fucks her mouth harder and faster. His guttural moans only fuel her on more. Jennifer loses herself in the moment and can only think of consuming his fleshy wand as it invades and fills her mouth.
Swallow after swallow she tastes the leaking precum from his cock. Jennifer’s pussy grows even more moist and she starts rubbing her thighs together to create a little pleasurable friction. He reaches down and tugs on her nipples forcing her to open her mouth at first to the pain. As her open her mouth he presses the full length of his shaft into her mouth and the tip rushes past her gag reflex and into her throat. Gulping to try and catch air her throat muscles contract around the tip of his tool and set of a steady stream of pulsing cum shots down her gullet.
As soon as he has finished skullfucking her he spreads her legs apart again and hefts her over his shoulder. Tossing her onto an old mattress he immediately pounces. Covering her body with his and raking his long unkempt nails down her flesh. The nails seem to be talon like, and she feels the trickles of blood flow from where he has scratched and torn the flesh open. His mouth covers the wounds as he thrusts into her. Claiming her body as his own vessel of pleasure once again.
Jennifer’s wet pussy easily accepts him and she no longer care what is about to happen or is happening just reaching her own screaming climax before she finds out if she was brought here to die. His pulsed and shot deep inside Jennifer’s tight center and still he thrust inside her and she can feel the intensity he is using to show her how animal like he really was.
His cock pounds inside her and his talon like nails press into the hood of her clit as he fumbles to manipulate her body to orgasm. Jennifer’s clit pulses in time with his thrusts and despite the fact that she should be crying rape, she finds herself wrapping her ankles around his hips and thumping her heels on his ass spurring him to fuck her deeper and faster. If he is going to treat her like a slut she is determined to act like one.
As he slides deeper into her wet depths her feel his hand reaching around and squeezing her ass. Her impulse is to clench and prevent any backdoor intrusion but Jennifer finds herself once again lulled into obedience and without him having to remove his cock from her wetness, she manipulates her body so that she is on her hands and knees in front of him impaled by his cock.
He leans over and tugs her hair hard and then pushes it aside as he sniffs the scent of her hair and blood mixed together. His tongue snakes out and her now feel a definite split to his tongue, it's almost snakelike. In that instant her cunt contracts around his massive member and she feels the orgasm rush through her body. She reaches down to stroke her own clit as he pounds her and finds herself reaching beneath to cup his balls.
As she teases them both with her hands her face is pressed into the musty mattress and his hand suddenly comes down and cracks her across her tender ass.
"Oh fuck yes," she moans into the makeshift bed.
Her pussy is quivering from the abuse and she feels lightheaded from the loss of blood. But still she continues to grind her hips back and stimulate the two of them as best she can in her hand bound position.
Again he takes her by surprise as he slips a wet finger into her asshole. Jennifer was so relaxed from cumming that the invasion wasn't even on her mind, just the pleasurable feeling as his finger stimulates nerve endings inside her rectum.
Her ass is now on fire and her cunt juices flowing freely. In a few seconds he barks out a command that she doesn't understand at all and she freezes for the moment. Again the command comes but she is still having no ideas of understanding. His cock withdraws leaving her pussy gaping and begging for attention. That is until she feels his finger leave her ass and suddenly his cock is pressing deep within her bowels.
No fighting no struggle just taking what he knows is his. Jennifer reacts as she always has when getting fucked in the ass, slamming her hips back and fingering herself as whatever man above pounds her. As viciously as it started he pulls out and rolls her over. He grabs her jaw and forces it open again and in her unalert state she allows this to happen.
His cum shoots out and splashes over her lips and down her neck as she moans and writhes in her pleasure.
Hours later she awakens in the cave, bound once again. As she opens her eyes she sees the thing that has taken her stooping beneath the low cavern walls. The firelight silhouettes him perfectly. He is as big as an ox, naked covered in front by thick patches of hair. His profile shows her a huge man and her know now that the legends are true.
But still there are unanswered questions. Is he a vampire, a freak mutated somehow. She just don't know yet... Perhaps one day she will, but the only thing her know now is that there is another fire in this room that needs no stoking at all... it only needs to be put out. She opens her mouth and calls out, "I'm ready you fucking hideous beast, do your worst to me or free me."
He turned to Jennifer and cocked his head, strange animal like at the least. Then her see it that huge cock dangling in front of her face just as he reaches to undo her bindings. The last instinct she has is to please him because he has now claimed her soul. She knows this as she opens her eyes one final time before he slips between her thighs and Jennifer sees the contents of the cavern better now that her eyes have adjusted.
Along the back wall is a pile of skeletons and mismatched bones. Finally as he pushes his cock into her once more she turns her head and sees two other beauties with feral eyes glaring at her from their places on the wall. Each has long scratch marks and scars down the length of her body and finally once winks and flicks out her serpent like tongue. She knows now for sure that she is lost to the outside world. She will either be converted or suffer a worse fate.
Finally this monstrous man speaks to her and not at her, “Little dark one, I have taken you because you entered my domain, I am not a creature as your mind must think by now. I am simply a man that grew tired of all the day to day bullshit in the world and decided to slip away into this dark cavern. The tongues, I know you have noticed by now that each of us here have splits in them, this is my way of marking what is mine. It’s erotic once it heals and adds to my lapping between a woman’s legs and her tongue teasing my cock.”
He took a deep breath before continuing, “I also must say the bones around the room are animals, and some human, occasionally someone will venture to far inside this place of dwelling and try to harm me or what is mine. That is the only time I kill. Then or to eat. Other than that you are safe, but you won’t be leaving now even if I let you up. I have fulfilled your desires, without you even knowing they were there before hand. I know that you are alone and have watched you and your so called friends many a night wander this beach and that hotel. You always separate yourself from the group and I know you are the loner I want to share my time with.”
Closing her eyes she pushes all that aside as his fangs bite into her flesh again and his cock throbs deep within. She is his for whatever use he may have of her, that is the only certainty now...
edited again.
Last edited:
G
Guest
Guest
YOU feel stupid?!?
But I'm not going through this with you again.
Perd
Man, I feel so used, kinda cheap. Not a bad feeling, really.Master_Vassago said:
But I'm not going through this with you again.
Perd
Master_Vassago
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Well with the hers and shes fixed it was a bit more enjoyable to read lol. I'm not that stupid, ok sometimes I am. Sorry, I feel sheepish having thrown that out there. But I didn't want anyone to wonder why I suddenly seemed to have gone completely dumb.
So now it's fixed. Please give it another gander.
So now it's fixed. Please give it another gander.
G
Guest
Guest
Sheep and Ganders
in one post! MV, you're too much.
I have to consult with MG about giving you another chance. We gurls have to stick together.
Drink lots of water and get some sleep. That's my motherly advice.
Perdita
in one post! MV, you're too much.
I have to consult with MG about giving you another chance. We gurls have to stick together.
Drink lots of water and get some sleep. That's my motherly advice.
Perdita
Master_Vassago
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LOL well MG will undoubtedly have a field day with this. I should have kept my big mouth shut.
Thanks purdy, nice av change by the way.
Preparing to be pounced by that big assed baby av anytime now.
Well I would sleep but, I have some writing to finish and waiting for a certain Lit belle to return.
I should have kept my big mouth shut. Thanks purdy, nice av change by the way.
Preparing to be pounced by that big assed baby av anytime now.
Well I would sleep but, I have some writing to finish and waiting for a certain Lit belle to return.
Chicklet
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mwahahaha. you put your story here and now I will tear it apart! (giggle giggle)
It was really good, your revision. It was much better, imho, than the first draft posted at the beginning of the story. You should look at your rejection/movement to extreme as good fortune, giving you time to make these changes.
That said, if you want to read what I have to say about tiny things in your story, do so. If not, you can just click back, right?
It bothered me to see the ...?, all at once. ...? I can buy, but ...?, it hurt my poor lil head. I would get rid of that comma if I were you, bud.
Creatures or creature's? I never notice when I put the apostrophe in the wrong place, and hardly ever notice if someone else does. The only reason I noted this is that it's so early in the story I wasn't sure at first if you meant that there was more than one creature or not - just because dumb little chicklet's ass couldn't figure it out on first glance, I thought I'd mention it.
Now I'm getting really nit-picky, can you tell <grin> must be the bitch in me. I felt like you said "nipples" too much right there - back to back with such a boring word (not that nipples is really a boring word, just that there are so many euphamisms you could have used in place of one of them) If you want to make it a slightly more pleasing read you could change one, and then, well, I'd be pretty pleased with myself <more stupid grinning>
you don't need the comma here. It felt like a "sigh" to me. "as it invades (sigh) and fills her mouth." It was a pause for me where there didn't need to be one. Possible ways to change it would be "As it invades, and fills, her mouth" cause you're adding another thing in there and then going back to what it was doing. But, really, I don't know the rules about that - it's just the style thing that I've been known to appreciate and use myself. But getting rid of the comma since you have an "and" would definitely be good.
happy friction? In this dark, scary story, the phrase above really threw me out of it. It's great, I love the idea of a little happy friction...hell, i'd like some happy friction right now! who wouldn't?! anyways it seemed out of place. Maybe you could find another phrase to replace it with? maybe "To create a startling friction" or even "To create a pleasing friction."
Through the whole story you're using 3rd person but from her POV, know what I mean? And then in the last part of that paragraph, in this line, it seems that you switch to his. If you'd gone back and forth through the whole story this wouldn't seem out of place, but since you've kept pretty strictly with her it seems a bit off. Maybe she's thinking of herself as the wet bitch, but I don't think she is - the fact that I, as a reader, didn't think this worked should be a decent reason to consider changing it. Ideas, she might think of herself as a slut?
Okay, I really liked the story, and I hope you don't put me on your block list or anything for this feedback!! = ) = ) (see, the smiles are to get you to come play with me)
ttyl
Chicklet
It was really good, your revision. It was much better, imho, than the first draft posted at the beginning of the story. You should look at your rejection/movement to extreme as good fortune, giving you time to make these changes.
That said, if you want to read what I have to say about tiny things in your story, do so. If not, you can just click back, right?
Master_Vassago said:
It bothered me to see the ...?, all at once. ...? I can buy, but ...?,
it hurt my poor lil head. I would get rid of that comma if I were you, bud.Master_Vassago said:
Creatures or creature's? I never notice when I put the apostrophe in the wrong place, and hardly ever notice if someone else does. The only reason I noted this is that it's so early in the story I wasn't sure at first if you meant that there was more than one creature or not - just because dumb little chicklet's ass couldn't figure it out on first glance, I thought I'd mention it.
Master_Vassago said:
Now I'm getting really nit-picky, can you tell <grin> must be the bitch in me. I felt like you said "nipples" too much right there - back to back with such a boring word (not that nipples is really a boring word, just that there are so many euphamisms you could have used in place of one of them) If you want to make it a slightly more pleasing read you could change one, and then, well, I'd be pretty pleased with myself <more stupid grinning>
Master_Vassago said:
you don't need the comma here. It felt like a "sigh" to me. "as it invades (sigh) and fills her mouth." It was a pause for me where there didn't need to be one. Possible ways to change it would be "As it invades, and fills, her mouth" cause you're adding another thing in there and then going back to what it was doing. But, really, I don't know the rules about that - it's just the style thing that I've been known to appreciate and use myself. But getting rid of the comma since you have an "and" would definitely be good.
Master_Vassago said:
happy friction? In this dark, scary story, the phrase above really threw me out of it. It's great, I love the idea of a little happy friction...hell, i'd like some happy friction right now! who wouldn't?! anyways it seemed out of place. Maybe you could find another phrase to replace it with? maybe "To create a startling friction" or even "To create a pleasing friction."
Master_Vassago said:
Through the whole story you're using 3rd person but from her POV, know what I mean? And then in the last part of that paragraph, in this line, it seems that you switch to his. If you'd gone back and forth through the whole story this wouldn't seem out of place, but since you've kept pretty strictly with her it seems a bit off. Maybe she's thinking of herself as the wet bitch, but I don't think she is - the fact that I, as a reader, didn't think this worked should be a decent reason to consider changing it. Ideas, she might think of herself as a slut?
Okay, I really liked the story, and I hope you don't put me on your block list or anything for this feedback!! = ) = ) (see, the smiles are to get you to come play with me)
ttyl
Chicklet
Master_Vassago
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- Oct 18, 2002
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You are all now on ignore
.
Hey what the hells wrong with a leather bikini? Dammit I have my fantasies too lol. Thank you and I am revising at the moment.
.Hey what the hells wrong with a leather bikini? Dammit I have my fantasies too lol. Thank you and I am revising at the moment.
G
Guest
Guest
Put me on ignore too, please. It should be 'little leather bikini' at the very least, or just 'leather bikini'; little is implied unless you mean to say 'the teeny, tiniest thong' or some such.Master_Vassago said:
Perditata
G
Guest
Guest
Chicklet, he can't ignore you, he loves all this attention, not to mention your AV.Chicklet said:
It's just MG's butt and bigger brain that really gets to him,
(but even then he needs all the attention he can get).
MathGirl
Cogito
- Joined
- Aug 4, 2002
- Posts
- 5,825
Ignore?
Damn, that's sure put me off my feed.
Story plot:
Disgusting man overpowers & rapes beautiful airhead.
She loves it and becomes his willing slave forever more.
Good grief! The realism! The heartfelt sense of respect for women! Mom would be so proud!
MG
Master_Vassago said:
Damn, that's sure put me off my feed.
Story plot:
Disgusting man overpowers & rapes beautiful airhead.
She loves it and becomes his willing slave forever more.
Good grief! The realism! The heartfelt sense of respect for women! Mom would be so proud!
MG
